RecoveryCoachNewYorkCity.com

Author: Melissa Killeen

  • 20 Question Assessment – Is this a healthy relationship?

    two people on a beachAs a recovery coach I guide a lot of people in the “realm” of healthy relationships. Many ask — is this a healthy relationship? Some clients have not been in a relationship for several years, and are attempting to dip their toes into dating. Others might have just left a relationship, and are trying to figure out whether to stay away from a former lover. Even more of my clients who are in relationships can’t figure out if the relationship is healthy or not.

    Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

    My coaching clients know the “type” of person they want, but realize they keep picking the same unhealthy man or woman, just in a different body. They return time and time again to these relationships because they seem comfortable, reminding them of their family, or first marriage etc. When this happens I urge my clients to actively try to change the relationship selections they make. It is often very difficult for someone to see if the relationship they are in is healthy or unhealthy. I often review the qualities of a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with them. Do these attributes describe your relationship?

    • Healthy-Equality — Partners share decisions and responsibilities. They discuss roles to make sure they are fair and equal.
    • Unhealthy-Control — One partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, or tells the other person what to wear or who to spend time with.
    • Healthy-Honesty — Partners share their dreams, fears, concerns with each other. They tell each other how they feel and share important information.
    • Unhealthy-Dishonesty — One partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One partner keeps secrets or withholds information from the other.
    • Healthy-Physical Safety — Partners feel physically safe in the relationship and respect each other’s physical space.
    • Unhealthy-Physical Abuse — One partner uses force to get his/her way (grabbing, hitting, slapping, shoving).
    • Healthy-Respect — Partners treat each other like they want to be treated and accept each other’s opinions, friends, and interests. Partners in a healthy relationship stop what they are doing, look their partner in the eye and listen to each other.
    • Unhealthy-Disrespect — One partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner. He or she may not show any care for your property or throw out your personal possessions.

    Is This a Healthy Relationship? — 20 Question Assessment

    I suggest answering these questions to figure out if you are in a healthy relationship?

    1. Has your partner shared their hopes and dreams for the future, such as where s/he wants to live 5 years from now?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    2. Do you and your partner discuss what to do regarding a holiday weekend’s activities? Yes [   ] No [  ]
    3. Do you flinch when your partner makes a sudden action with his/her arms?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    4. Do you go to your bedroom in order to avoid interaction with your partner?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    5. Do your feelings matter to your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    6. Would you call your partner’s humor cynical, cutting or belittling?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    7. When you suggest something to be completed in the manner you would like, are your suggestions ignored?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    8. Do you feel like you have to hide things (gifts, clothes, make-up) from your partner? Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    9. Does your partner compliment you in front of others?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    10. Can you mention something you like or admire about your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    11. Is your partner glad you have other friends and activities?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    12. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    13. Does s/he talk about her/his feelings?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    14. Does s/he really listen to you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    15. Does your partner have a good relationship with his/her family?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    16. Does your partner have good friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    17. Do you and your partner spend time with these friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    18. Does s/he have interests besides you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    19. Does s/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for his/her failures?  Yes [   ]   No [    ]
    20. Does your partner respect your right to make decision that affects your own life?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]

    If you have answered “NO” to more than 12 of these questions, I suggest you look into how to cultivate a healthier relationship, perhaps by seeking the advice of a counselor or therapist.

  • Disagreements are normal in relationships

    Expect every relationship to have a disagreement along the way. Disagreements are normal in relationships. Disagreements, however, can trigger other feelings, such as loss of control, powerlessness, or feelings of abuse. Mix into this situation your partner’s personality, the triggers the disagreements bring up for both of you, and a dash of how we saw disagreements resolved in our childhood and you may have a very dysfunctional approach to resolving conflict.

    Are you willing to change? Most importantly, is your partner willing to change, too?

    IntimacySome disagreements are not disagreements but break downs in communication, or misinterpreted statements. Sometimes the way a message is delivered (i.e. in a text or email) can open the door for miscommunication and result in a fight between partners. Your partner may be upset over reading an email, or hearing your message on their voicemail and you may not know why there is such high level of upset. The answer usually is: they misinterpreted your statement.

    Simple miscommunication

    Miscommunication typically results from not explaining yourself clearly, specifically and completely. All very difficult to do in a voice mail, text or email. So make a rule that all difficult conversations be made face to face. Your partner deserves this quality of conversation and you deserve not to be in the realm of upset over this predicament.

    When communicating with your loved one, ask yourself the following, are you:

    1. Communicating with a lack of emotion in your voice?
    2. Leaving out information you assume your partner should know about?
    3. Are you really saying what you want to say?
    4. Is there a hidden agenda lurking behind this communication? Perhaps all of these things you have reviewed, resolved, cleaned up and cleared out. It was a simple miscommunication, end of story. Now, you both can move on to your weekend chores or favorite Netflix program.

    It’s a bigger thing . . .

    If this is more than a miscommunication problem, the next step is picking a time to discuss it, calmly, quietly and with no interruptions. Maybe at lunch on Sunday, or after the kids go to bed, most definitely when both of you have cooled down. Plan on sitting down with your partner and starting with an opening statement affirming your love and commitment to the relationship. Pledge that this meeting is an attempt to change how you communicate. Make fastidious notes regarding your presentation, because you may have to make an appointment with your partner to discuss this again, in a few days. Chances are you will forget all about your thoughts and feelings about this miscommunication, so keep your notes handy. If your partner is not looking you in the eye, or multitasking on their cell phone while you are attempting a conversation, maybe they had some difficulties coming to this meeting. Kindly ask, with a lack of emotion in your voice, the following:

    1. Ask if they heard your request to discuss this problem
    2. If there would be a better time to have this discussion when you could have their full attention
    3. Are they bringing up old resentments from past conflicts, if so, ask them to set these resentments aside for a time
    4. Is something really bothering them about this problem, and would they like to speak first?

    Identify avoidance

    Couples become very good at avoiding conflict. Sometimes one partner is so good at it, they teach the other partner avoidance through osmosis. Soon both partners are adept at sidestepping the real issues, and all conflicts because they won’t like the results. Remember your intimate relationship with your partner is not a win/lose proposition. Avoidance leaves one or both partners feeling unloved, not respected and upset that they are not being “heard.” It is important to work through a few of these exercises, so each partner can realize that discussing and resolving conflict is very important for a healthy, intimate relationship.

    Avoidance looks and feels like this:

    1. You are so resentful at your partner that you are unwilling to do anything to resolve it
    2. All conversations like this devolve into conflict, anger, shouting and negative outcomes
    3. You don’t see any problem to discuss
    4. These meetings are a waste of time, dull boring and I could be mowing the lawn, paying bills or doing the wash instead of doing this
    5. If you have to have these discussions at the therapist’s office, a common thought is, I would rather spend my money on something other than this.

    How to prepare for the meeting to resolve a problem

    Before your meeting, identify your “hot button” issues. You know the ones, identify your pattern in most of your arguments. Does talking about money set you off, does mention of your domineering mother make you defensive, does worrying about your partner leaving you bring up actions you would rather not display (like aggression) or when things aren’t going your way do you start to cry? Review your reactions to your hot-button issues before hand, come up with some solutions to control your reactions (bite your lip, light a cigarette, hold a teddy bear) this will help you cope better during this meeting. Here are some ground rules both you and your partner should read and agree on prior to this meeting:

    1. Pick a time to discuss a problem so it can be resolved. Don’t discuss a problem when either of you are angry
    2. In this discussion, stay focus on the one problem. Use the specific example of your “upset” over this problem. Even if you have to repeat this specific example several times, stay focused
    3. Have a goal in mind when you discuss this problem. What are the changes you hope to make by discussing this problem? Why is it important for you to discuss this problem? Is this problem something you and your partner can change? Can you both commit to the change?
    4. Tell your partner what has upset you and what you are willing to do to change things going forward. Ask your partner what he/she is willing to do or change
    5. Be courteous when speaking to your partner, no back stabbing, knife twisting or “I’m better than you” comments
    6. Express positive messages, focus on the good attributes your partner has. As in the Jungle Book, “Accentuate the positive.” Or as in Mary Poppins, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
    7. Ask for changes to this problem in a positive way, avoid a cynical tone of voice or aggressive body language
    8. Do something nice for your partner, without expecting something in return.
    9. Complain about the things that matter. Attempt to limit your complaints to one thing that will make a difference or has to be acted upon immediately
    10. Let go of the past. Don’t allow yourself to bring up old problems, behaviors or incidents from the past. This will derail this conversation and it will devolve into a shouting match
    11. Be open to compromise. Intimate relationships are not a winner-take-all environment. Be open to your partner’s ideas
    12. Remove ultimatums from your vocabulary. Phrases like “I am leaving you” or “Pack your bags” should be turned into a “Let’s cool down and discuss this at another time.”

    Using these tools to improve your intimate relationship is just like going to a board retreat or a workshop to improve your job performance. Isn’t it worth it to improve your intimate relationship’s performance? To advance change with the person you trust more than your boss, manager or administrator?

    In an intimate relationship, the ultimate goal is not to dominate, control, or win. It is, instead, to create nourishing and mutually supportive intimacy; that is, to fully see your partner and to be fully seen; to be lovingly held by your partner (and vice versa) and to listen to them. The highest priority is on the relationship itself, on creating and maintaining an empathetic, loving environment. Acknowledging there is no boss, no subordinate, no winners, no losers. In other words, an intimate relationship is a place where two people, sometimes being in direct opposition or conflict, ultimately, trust the other’s predominant values enough to find equilibrium.

    Go at it!

  • Improve your relationship intimacy

    Every couple wants to improve the intimacy in their relationship with their partner. How do you do this? Jeff Garson, a community minded attorney, psychotherapist and coach explores improving your communication with your partner to achieve intimacy. Jeff is also the originator of a creative and inspiring initiative called: Radical Decency. Radical Decency is an approach to living that embraces a very different set of values that I call “decency”, it includes respect, understanding and empathy; acceptance and appreciation; fairness and justice. Radical Decency seeks to practice these values “radically”, meaning at all times and in every area of your life. Jeff writes a blog called the Reflections Series, you can visit more of Jeff’s Reflections on his web site 　http://www.thedecencygroup.com/ -Melissa Killeen

    Improve your relationship intimacy by not changing the subject

    Written by Jeff Garson, June, 2016

    Senior husband and wife walking along the beach in California

    Make no mistake about it. The mainstream culture’s way out-of-balance emphasis on the values I call “compete and win, dominate and control” thoroughly infiltrates our most intimate relationships.

    At one level, this reality is reasonably well acknowledged, with most of us recognizing its manifestation in patriarchal patterns or in highly conflictual, “War of the Roses” type relationships. But the infiltration of compete and win values into our intimate relationships, go far deeper than is commonly recognized.

    This Reflection provides a key example, examining:

    • Our culturally reinforced habit of reflexively changing the subject, even in our intimate conversations;
    • The price we pay as a result; and
    • The powerful positive effects that result when we commit ourselves to breaking this unfortunate habit.

    Intimate versus strategic relationships

    Intimate relationships are different – very different – from the more “strategic” relationships that are the norm “out there, in the real world.” See Reflection #44, Intimate vs. Strategic Relationships.

    In a typical strategic interaction, a department head convenes a staff meeting at 1 pm and a vigorous exchange ensues. Now, at 2:59, the department head ends the discussion, makes her decision, and the rest of the staff is expected to fall in line.

    In an intimate interaction, by contrast, a husband and wife sit down at 1 p.m. to discuss where to send their son to school. Now, at 2:59, with no meeting of the minds, what happens? The decision is deferred. The couple keeps talking.

    The difference? The priority, in the first scenario, is on achieving a goal – getting something done. And the relationship is authoritarian: What the boss says goes. For these reasons, it is fully in tune with the culture’s predominant compete and win values.

    The second scenario, however, is very different. Here, the highest priority is on the relationship itself, on creating and maintaining an empathic, loving relationship. And there is no boss, no subordinate, no winners, no losers. In other words, done right, an intimate relationship is antithetical to and, ultimately, deeply subversive of the culture’s predominant values.

    Unfortunately, high schools and colleges don’t teach us how to conduct the intimate relationships around which most all of us organize our lives, focusing instead on what they (presumably) see as the more important stuff. And so, expected to “just know” how to do it, we seldom reflect on how different our intimate relationships are from our other, “out there, in the real world” relationships – or on the implications of those differences.

    The result? We muddle through. And muddling through, we import into our interactions with our loved ones the compete and win values in which, living in our culture, we are so deeply immersed.

    To illustrate, consider the following hypothetical keeping in mind that, while I am dealing with a married couple, the principles I describe are applicable in any intimate relationship.

    A woman comes home after a busy day at work and, noticing the dirty breakfast dishes, still in the sink, says to her partner in an irritated voice: “Why can’t you clean the dishes?”

    Here are some of the typical responses that have been reported, over and over again, by women in my practice (and, regrettably, that have come out of my own mouth as well):

    1. “Those aren’t my dishes. I cleaned mine”; or
    2. “It’s no big deal. Why do you have to criticize me?”; or
    3. “You’re one to talk, how many times have I had to clean up your messes”; or
    4. With body language that reeks of annoyance, silent attendance to the chore.

    And, needless to say, similar scenarios regularly unfold in reverse as well, with the woman in the reactive role.

    Changing the subject

    One very pertinent example of this phenomenon is our tendency, even in our most intimate relationships, to change the subject, quickly and repeatedly; a habit of mind that, because it is so engrained in our taken for granted ways of being, more typically operates entirely outside our awareness.

    Despite years of work with couples – and on my own marriage – this congenital “change the subject” reality never occurred to me until recently. The reason, I think, is because of our deep, culture-wide confusion about what intimate relationship is all about; a confusion that, not surprisingly, has slowed my own growth since, as one of my formative teachers, Vikki Reynolds, once memorably said, “we are all in the dirty bathtub.”

    With a moment’s reflection, most of us will realize that these responses are unlikely to promote loving interactions as the day or evening proceeds. But few of us understand the fundamental trap that we have fallen into: We have unwittingly replicated the cultures compete and win values in this, their most intimate relationship. Here’s how.

    The woman’s irritation brings with it an implicit assertion of domination and control. And he, rising to this provocation, seeks to turn back her perceived bid for control by:

    • Avoiding responsibility (responses 1 and 2);
    • Invalidating her right to feel the way she does (response 3); or
    • Signaling a refusal to submit with reluctant compliance (response 4).

    In an intimate relationship, the ultimate goal is not to dominate, control, or win. It is, instead, to create nourishing and mutually supportive intimacy; that is, to fully see your partner and to be fully seen; to have all that you are, lovingly held by your partner (and vice versa).

    In furtherance of this goal, your initial, highest priority as you talk with your partner should be on taking in all that he or she is saying – that is, on listening. And this understanding leads directly to this simple, but vital guideline:

    When he or she speaks, never change the subject.

    Instead, stick to the issue your partner raises – in our example, getting the morning dishes cleaned. Listen fully. And, importantly, let your partner know that he or she has been fully heard. Then, and only then, think about adding a thought of your own (and then, perhaps, if the issue is a sensitive one, only after you have asked if a change of subject is ok).

    So, while a mea culpa (“I’m sorry”) or the offer of corrective action (“I’ll to get them right away”) would certainly be constructive, the essence of “never change the subject” is this simple statement: “You’re right, I didn’t get to them.”

    Note, moreover, that this directive needs to be applied especially when your partner’s words are somewhat provocative, as in our example. Doing so offers the prospect of a meaningful healing moment for your partner since, underneath her annoyance, is almost always a deeper emotional wound – fear of not being appreciated, seen, or heard by you, a panicky sense that with so many things to do she’s losing control, etc.

    What is so cool about this “don’t change the subject” guideline is that, as the listener, you don’t have to analyze or, even, understand your partner’s deeper emotions. All you have to do is give yourself over, fully and warmly, to the issue your partner has raised trusting that, in making that choice, you are likely to be soothing his or her deeper needs and longings.

    On the flip side, notice how the more typical compete and win reactions, outlined in our example, are the very opposite of our “never change the topic” injunction. Instead of discussing the issue she has raised, the partner in our example shifts to another topic entirely, by either:

    • Talking about what he did that morning (response 1):
    • Critiquing her current behavior (responses 2 and 3): or
    • Trumping her subject of choice by raising (nonverbally) a topic of his own, namely his annoyance with her (response 4).

    So, the good news about “never change the subject” is that it does double duty:

    1. Firmly redirecting us toward a more intimate way of relating to our partner; and, at the same time,
    2. Pulling us decisively away from problematic behaviors that our mainstream habits of mind can so easily evoke.

    In closing, here are a few caveats to keep in mind as you apply this guideline.

    Four pillars of a successful relationship

    First, “never change the subject” works best when it isn’t deployed in a tit for tat way; that is, where your willingness to persist is not dependent on your partner doing so in return. On the other hand, intimate relationships thrive on mutuality. So if your partner in intimacy persists in this (and, possibly, other) behaviors that are destructive of intimacy, you may need to rethink, not the wisdom of the injunction but, rather, the wisdom of pursuing deeper levels of intimacy with this person.

    Remember, also, that “never change the subject” is not a magic cure for all that ails our intimate relationships. To the contrary, it needs to be appropriately applied in a complex context that includes many other important considerations.

    This qualifier is especially true when it comes to the choices women make in their relationships with men. While we have made important strides when it comes to patriarchy, these patterns – themselves an important manifestation of our culture’s compete and win mindset – remain deeply imbedded in our relationships.

    For this reason, if a man’s commitment to “never change the subject” is tepid or non-existent, a woman’s unilateral persistence may simply enable his patriarchal ways. At that point, others strategies or, even, a re-evaluation of the relationship may be called for.

    More broadly, intimacy works best when what I call the four pillars of a successful relationship are in place:

     

    Limitations in one or more of these areas will, in turn, qualify the ability of a couple to follow through on this “never change the subject” guideline or, if they do, to reap its rewards.

    For more information, you can go to:

    www.thedecencygroup.com to learn more about Radical Decency
    Or contact Jeff at Garson Counseling Group
    60 Flourtown Road
    Plymouth Meeting, PA 19462
    (215)450-4306
    wjgarson@comcast.net

  • A Call for Clinical Humility in Addiction Treatment

    by William White and video featuring Chris Budnick

    The history of addiction treatment includes a pervasive and cautionary thread: the potential to do great harm in the name of help.  The technical term for such injury, iatrogenesis (physician-caused or treatment-caused illness), spans a broad range of professional actions that with the best of intentions resulted in harm to individuals and families seeking assistance. My recounting of such insults within the history of addiction treatment (see endnotes 1, 2 and 3 below) also includes the observation that such harms are easy to identify retrospectively in earlier eras, but very difficult to see within one’s own era, within one’s own treatment program, and within one’s own clinical practices.

    The challenges for each of us who work in this special service ministry and for william_l_white_portrait_1the specialized industry of addiction treatment include conducting a regular inventory of clinical and administrative policies and practices to identify areas of inadvertent harm, altering conditions linked to such harm, making amends for such injuries, and developing mechanisms to prevent such injuries in the future. In my own professional life, many of the projects in my later career were products of such an inventory and served as a form of amends for actions I took or failed to take in my early career due to lack of awareness or courage. (See endnote 4 and 5 for two vivid examples.)

    There have also been times I have taken the larger field to task for practices I deemed harmful. I have suggested at times that what were perceived as personal failures to achieve lasting recovery could be more aptly characterized as system failures (endnote 6). I have suggested at times that the field was becoming addicted to professional power and money and that the field itself was in need of a recovery process that should include processes of rigorous self-inventory, public confession, and amends (endnote 7 and 8).

    The shift from acute care models of addiction treatment to models of sustained recovery management (RM) and recovery-oriented systems of care (ROSC) involves dramatic changes in clinical practices, including a shift in the basic relationship between the service provider and service recipient. The service relationship within the RM/ROSC models shifts from one dominated and controlled by the professional expert to a sustained recovery support partnership, with the provider serving primarily as a consultant to the service recipient’s own recovery self-management efforts. Those who have made this relational shift inevitably look back on areas of potential harm that emerged from the expert relational model they once practiced. And then the question inevitably arises, “How does one make amends for past harm in the name of help within the context of addiction counseling?”

    Chris Budnick, an addictions professional in North Carolina and founding Board Chair for Recovery Communities of North Carolina, Inc. (RCNC), recently responded to that question by preparing a formal letter of amends to the individuals, families, and communities he has served. Below is the text of that letter, which was presented at the North Carolina Recovery Advocacy Alliance Summit, February 24, 2016. (The link to the video is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5MYhZbnhfU)

    Chris-Budnick LCSW,LCAS,CC,MSWMy name is Chris Budnick and I am a Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist. I first began working in the addiction treatment and recovery field in 1993. 

    There are many components involved in the broad issue of substance use disorders and recovery. Employers, first responders, the criminal justice system, policy makers, politicians, companies, advertisers, treatment providers, addiction professionals, the recovery community, families, and the individual with the substance use disorder. Of all these components, individuals with substance use disorders face the greatest scrutiny, stigma, discrimination and blame. For too long they have stood alone bearing the full brunt of this responsibility while systems of care and policies impacting housing, education, and employment have largely conspired to undermine any chance of sustaining recovery.

    Last week I found myself approaching a police department to apologize for failing them. When they reached out to us in the middle of the night seeking services for a young woman we told them “no.”  “We can’t help her tonight.”  She was killed within hours of this decision leaving behind a 2-year-old daughter.  I told the officer that we pledge to do better.

    This experience has nudged me to put to paper ideas that I’ve articulated and ideas I’ve only contemplated. I feel compelled as an addiction professional to make amends and pledge to do better.

    While I have changed my attitudes and practices over the years, I have not spoken up to say I’m sorry. So here are the things I want to make amends for:

    • I’m sorry for all the barriers you confront when trying to access help.
    • I’m sorry for contradictory “sobriety” and “active use” requirements you encounter when trying to access services.
    • I’m sorry for the harm that has come to you, your family, your unborn children, and your community when you have not been provided services on demand.
    • I apologize for expecting that you will provide all the motivation to initiate recovery when I have assumed no responsibility for enhancing your readiness for recovery.
    • I am sorry for creating unrealistic expectations of you.
    • I’m sorry for provider success statistics that have misled you and your family.
    • I’m sorry that I have discharged you from treatment for becoming symptomatic. I’m even more sorry, though, for abandoning you at your time of greatest vulnerability. And I am sorry for how this failure has contributed to the heartbreak of your loved ones.
    • I am sorry for abandoning you when you have left treatment, either successfully or unsuccessfully.
    • I am sorry for the irritation in my voice when you have returned following a set-back because you didn’t do everything that I told you to do.
    • I am sorry for my arrogance when I’ve assumed that I am the expert of your life.
    • I am sorry for privately finding satisfaction in your failure because it reinforces the fallacy that I know best and if you just do as I say, you’ll recover.
    • I am sorry for not celebrating as enthusiastically your successes when you have achieved them through a different pathway or style then me.
    • I am sorry for being a silent co-conspirator for the stigma that has resulted in systems of punishment and discriminatory policies and practices.
    • I’m sorry for turning you away from treatment because you’ve “been here too many times.”
    • I’m sorry for not referring you to different services when you have not responded to the services I offer.
    • I am sorry for allowing you to take the blame when treatment did not work instead of defending you because you received an inadequate dose and duration of care.
    • I am sorry for reaping the benefits of recovery yet failing to do everything I can to make sure those benefits are available to anyone, regardless of privilege, socio-economic status, education, employability, and criminal history.
    • I’m sorry for being an addiction professional who has not provided you with the recovery supports needed to sustain recovery. More importantly, I apologize for conspiring through silence and inaction with a system that ill prepares you to achieve success.
    • I’m sorry for not calling to check on you when you don’t show up for treatment. I’m sorry for not calling to support you after you leave treatment.
    • I’m sorry for letting society maintain the belief that you used again because you chose to.
    • I’m sorry for not fighting for adequate treatment and recovery support services. All persons with substance use disorders should be entitled to a minimum of five years of monitoring and recovery support services.
    • I’m sorry for not advocating for you to have opportunities to gain safe and supportive housing and non-exploitive employment.
    • I am sorry for being so self-centered that I only think about you in the context of treatment while failing to fully understand the environmental and social realities of your life and how they will impact your ability to initiate and sustain recovery.
    • I am deeply sorry to your loved ones who have been robbed of chances to have a healthy member of their family. I am deeply sorry to your community, who has been robbed of the gifts that your recovery could have brought them.
    • I’m sorry that systems of control and punishment has been the response to communities of color during drug epidemics.
    • I am sorry that through my silence and inaction that I have contributed to belief that persons with substance use disorders are criminals and should be punished.
    • I am sorry for not speaking as a Recovery Ally to families, friends, neighbors, colleagues, policy makers, and public officials about why I support recovery.
    • I’m sorry for all the things that I have left off this list because I’ve failed to regularly solicit your feedback about how effective I have been in supporting you in your recovery.

          This sorrow is the foundation of my commitment to improve the accessibility, affordability, and quality of addiction treatment and recovery support services and to create the community space in which long-term personal and family recovery can flourish.

                                  -Chris Budnick, Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist

    This is a remarkable statement worthy of emulation. I look forward to the day when leaders prepare such a statement of amends to individuals, families, and communities on behalf of American addiction treatment institutions. I look forward to the day when clinical humility becomes a foundational ethic guiding the practice of addiction counseling.  WW

    I honor and applaud Bill and Chris for bringing this message to clinical professionals across the nation. It is time to shed and change these old models that have not been working and embrace these new tenants that Bill, Chris and many others espouse.  Truly such client-centered treatment can change the course of recovery for many. MK

    End Notes

    This post was previously published on William White’s web site- www.williamwhitepapers.com on April 29, 2016. William White and Chris Budnick authorized this reposting.

    Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5MYhZbnhfU

  • How Adverse Childhood Experiences affects long term health – a TED MED Talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris

    Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, during her TED-Med talk presents the benefits of the Adverse Childhood Experience study and the substantiated affects the study has brought forth on how childhood trauma can impact the quality of one’s health and length of a person’s lifespan. The San Francisco based pediatrician explains that the repeated stress of abuse, experience of neglect and living with parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of a child’s brain. The ACE study concludes that those who’ve experienced chronic, and high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease, addictions and lung cancer. She gives an impassioned plea for clinicians to use the Adverse Childhood Experiences questions during intake on all of their patients and confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on.

     

  • Faces and Voices in Recovery Develops an Addiction Recovery Toolkit

    Faces and Voices in Recovery Partnering with Members of Congress to Offer Comprehensive Addiction Resources

    2016 logoFaces & Voices of Recovery, in collaboration with the Addiction Policy Forum and the House of Representatives Bipartisan Task Force to Combat the Heroin Epidemic developed a comprehensive addiction resources toolkit to help the families impacted by the heroin and opioid epidemic. This week, Members of Congress will unveil this toolkit on their websites and in their district offices and will train their office staff to provide key resources to families and individuals in their communities facing addiction. This toolkit is a resource that every recovery community organization, treatment center, doctor’s office, library as well as every family and individual should have access to.

    More Americans die every day from drug overdoses than from car accidents – an average of 129 people per day, with six out of 10 deaths related to opioids. This toolkit was developed in response to the fact that a majority of those who need help with addiction issues are not receiving it. In 2014, only 11 percent of the approximately 22.7 million Americans who needed treatment for substance use received it, according to the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

    “We are honored to partner with Members of Congress to offer individuals, families and communities important resources that will help them find support to achieve long-term recovery. We have offered our expertise for this toolkit and are pleased that Members of Congress understand the importance of making this information easily accessible and available in each Congressional district across the nation.”   -Executive Director Patty McCarthy-Metcalf

    Leading national and community organizations contributed to this comprehensive set of resources that includes resources around prevention, drug treatment, recovery support and general information for families, community organizations, schools, and parents concerned about addiction and seeking support. The groups who contributed to this guide include: Community Anti-Drug Coalition, the National Council, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids, Shatterproof, Faces & Voices of Recovery, Legal Action Center, National Institute of Drug Abuse, and the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

    In preparing this toolkit, Faces and Voices of Recovery strengthens it’s mission and dedication to organizing and mobilizing the over 23 million Americans in recovery from addiction to alcohol and other drugs, our families, friends and allies into recovery community organizations and networks, to promote the right and resources to recover through advocacy, education and demonstrating the power and proof of long-term recovery.  Faces & Voices of Recovery is the parent organization of the Association of Recovery Community Organizations (ARCO) which unites and supports the growing network of local, regional and statewide recovery community organizations (RCOs). ARCO links RCOs and their leaders with local and national allies and provides training and technical assistance to groups. ARCO helps build the unified voice of the organized recovery community and fulfill our commitment to supporting the development of new groups and strengthening existing ones.

    Link to Tool kit: http://media.wix.com/ugd/bfe1ed_439f2d84f59c4461a4eef39a7b00596d.pdf

  • How do I get recovery coaching certification?

    manhattan_bridgeOne of the most frequent questions I receive is “How do I get my recovery coaching certification?” The second most frequent question is “How do I get my peer recovery support-specialist certification?”

    A recovery coach and a peer recovery support-specialist (focusing in addiction recovery) execute the same job, the positions simply have a different title. Just like a certified drug and alcohol counselor (CADC) has the same job description as a certified addiction counselor (CAC).

    Peer recovery support-specialists can also be certified to assist individuals in mental health recovery; slowly but surely, states are requiring different certification training for these two different peer classifications.

    The most important considerations in obtaining your recovery coaching credentials are:

    1. Receive your training from an organization that is recognized by your state certification board to give the training (Google the Certification Board in your state, and go to the end of this post for a link).
    2. In the event your state does not offer certification for recovery coaches or peer recovery support-specialists, look up the IC&RC, the International Certification & Reciprocity Consortium, (http://www.internationalcredentialing.org/ ). Read about the Internationally Certified Peer Recovery (ICPR) certification tests from the IC&RC. This IC&RC certification is a credential that is recognized by almost every employer.
    3. Every state has different fees (the IC&RC has fees as well). Expect the following fees: To register for the test: $150-$250. To order study materials: $80-$100. To renew your certification: $100-$150. Renewal is necessary every two-five years. Remember, every state is different in their fee or renewal structure; this is only a guide.
    4. After taking the test, and receiving a passing grade, you are required to complete a certain amount of “practice” or internship hours. These hours vary from state to state. New Jersey requires 500 practice hours. The hours can be completed as a volunteer recovery coach at a social services agency, or as a paid recovery coach at an agency, or with private clients.
    5. These practice hours must be under the supervision of a licensed clinical supervisor (LCS) or certified, recovery coaching supervisor. A licensed clinical supervisor is a licensed counselor, psychologist or social worker that has completed training to oversee the management of other practitioners. Usually one hour of supervision is required for every 40 hours of client contact a coach may have. Documentation of these supervisory sessions are required and will be submitted to the certification board with your certification application.
    6. Once your practice hours and documentation of the supervision are completed, you submit the paperwork to your state’s certification board. When the certification is approved, you are issued the certificate.
    7. It is important you retain this certificate, because every job you apply for will ask for a copy of this document.
    8. Throughout the next few years, you must regularly take continuing education courses for the renewal of your certificate. Every certification board outlines the courses and number of continuing education credits you are required to complete.

    If you want to know where you can take the training courses to be a recovery coach, please go to my web site and look for approved training organizations in your state. Here is a link to this list: http://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/recovery-coach-training-organizations/

  • Recovery Coaching Texas Prison Style

    Kyle Gage PhotoKyle Gage lives in Longview, Texas, and he is a recovery coach. Longview is a little oil and manufacturing town a couple of hours east of Dallas-Ft Worth and about an hour west of Shreveport, Louisiana. The small town has had some illustrious citizens: Forest Whitaker was born in Longview, and Matthew McConaughey went to Longview High School in the ‘80s. Kyle had less of an illustrious impact on Longview.

    A Hard-Earned Recovery 

    Kyle entered his first rehab at 17. He enrolled in a boarding school for troubled teens. He continued in and out of rehab many times, trying to do it his way. At twenty, he knew he had to change, so he attended some NA meetings, through which he stayed clean for about 6 months. Then he used. He tried to keep things under control, and managed to avoid any serious consequences for about a year, but then one day he was pulled over by the police, who found methamphetamine.

    In lieu of jail time, he agreed to treatment. After his treatment episode he remained clean on probation, in part because he was receiving regular tox screens. Staying clean was motivated by his desire to stay out of jail. For 7 months he was sober, but then he started to drink. Eventually, drinking turned to using drugs. Because of his fear of failing a tox screen, he stopped reporting to probation and went on the run. Kyle was picked up a few months later for the probation violation and was sent to the James Bradshaw State Prison in Henderson, Texas.

    He got no help for his recovery in the state prison, drugs being as easily available there as they were on the streets. Upon his release he began using again and was eventually arrested for burglary. He went to treatment but left against medical advice. He went to live at an Oxford House, and remained clean for 2-3 months. The stinking thinking eventually returned, so he drank and drinking led to using. In a very short time, he was arrested. At 26-years-old, he was facing two consecutive ten-year convictions for burglary and grand theft auto. Kyle knew this was serious.

    He asked the judge for help, and the judge gave Kyle ten years of deferred adjudication. Deferred adjudication is a form of a plea deal, where a defendant pleads “guilty” or “no contest” to criminal charges in exchange for meeting certain requirements laid out by the court. In Kyle’s case, these terms were that he go into an inmate drug-treatment program, attend Drug Court upon his release, make a commitment to outpatient treatment, perform community service and complete probation within the allotted period of time ordered by the court.

    Kyle was sentenced to six months at the Clyde M. Johnston Unit, the Texas correctional institution’s Substance Abuse Felony Punishment Facility in Winnsboro, Texas. This facility is Texas’s drug treatment program for offenders. He received a lot of treatment and therapy at the Johnston Unit, where Kyle realized that he needed to embrace recovery.

    Embracing Recovery

    For Kyle, embracing recovery in prison began by helping others: helping others gave him hope. He was the person that led the NA meetings in his dorm. The counselors at Johnston announced that a recovery coaching certification course for the inmates would start at Johnston. They said they only had room for ten men. Kyle applied. He was hoping they would pick him, but he was nervous because he knew that it was very competitive and they were only picking one person per dorm.

    Kyle’s mother found the book Recovery Coaching—A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions on Amazon.com and sent it to Kyle. Kyle read it before he even got accepted into the class, which he eventually was. He excelled in helping others in the Unit embrace recovery. He graduated the recovery coaching class and was even invited to talk to the Unit’s next class of recovery coaches.

    Coaching Other Offenders

    The primary counselor notified Kyle that he wanted him to talk to an offender that was a disciplinary problem. Jason was 19-years-old, (his named has been changed for this post) and faced 10-15 years for aggravated assault. Jason was a first-phase client, which meant he had only been at the Johnston Unit for 30 days. He was a meth addict, and he was having trouble adjusting to the Unit: He had issues with people in his dorm. He didn’t attend AA or NA meetings. He didn’t want to be in recovery. He wanted to give up, and fantasized about “rendering his sentence.” The inmates call it “getting sent back to county.” Rendering a sentence means to go back to the original courthouse and say to the judge “Thanks, but I would rather serve 10 years for aggravated assault than spend any more time in therapy and treatment for my drug addiction.” Sound crazy? According to Kyle, that is what goes through the heads of many offenders. The grip of the addiction is so strong that living life sober is frightening. Many choose to self-sabotage by creating problems, by assaulting or threatening another inmate and receiving an extension of their sentence.

    Jason was referred to Kyle specifically as Jason reminded the counselors of Kyle, with his sleeves of tattoos just like Kyle. Kyle met with him and talked to him about meth, since they shared the same drug of choice. Kyle asked for Jason’s story, and listened. It was different from Kyle’s, but there were many similarities. Kyle shared many of Jason’s traits: Being an outlaw, an outcast, and a gang member. Jason didn’t think the meetings would be beneficial to him. Kyle shared that it was in the 12-step rooms where he truly felt alive.

    Kyle asked Jason about his plan when he gets out of Johnston and allowed Jason to self-actualize as to where he wanted to be in 5 years. Jason broke down and cried during this meeting. He was frightened at what he was facing, he had a lot of anger issues, and he didn’t know what to do. So, Kyle told him what worked for him.

    During the six months that offenders were at the Johnston Unit, there was no chance of them using drugs. The coaches assisted the offenders with embracing recovery, working the 12 steps and learning to use the steps in their daily prison life. Kyle coached men that were violent, had assaulted another men, were disciplinary problems, and where coaching was the last step before they were “sent back to county.” Kyle was there to stop them from rendering their sentence and losing everything. Sometimes an inmate had a family member pass away and the inmate was not granted permission to attend the funeral.  Although this coaching had nothing to do with recovery from drugs or alcohol, the recovery coaches are assigned to console these inmates through the grieving process.

    When inmates were close to being released, having  no experience with 12-step meetings or recovery on the outside, and  having no intentions of asking for help, Kyle gave them some “recovery capital.” He would give them lists of AA and NA meetings near the half-way house to which they were being released.  Kyle would give them information on Community HealthCore, which is a large, social services agency in Texas with outpatient drug and alcohol treatment programs. He would tell them about drug court classes and behavioral health counseling. Kyle and a few of the other recovery coaches in the Johnston Unit were from the Dallas area. When a prisoner would be going to back to the Dallas area, the coaches would refer the offenders to people on the outside who could take them to a meeting.

    Another prisoner, Caleb (his real named also changed) was in the reentry process—in a few weeks he was being released to a half-way house in Beaumont, Texas. Caleb had been in this position before.  As he got  closer to the “door” he became scared, and he was afraid of going back into the real world. He was so sure that he could to do things his way, but in the back of his head, he knew that doing things his way was what had gotten him into prison several times before. Kyle ran the 12-step meetings, and Caleb would attend as a “woodworker” (working wood means doing the absolute minimum, not participating, not getting involved and not believing this program would work for them).

    Kyle was assigned to speak to Caleb.  Kyle asked him what happened after he drank a beer, and Caleb admitted that after he drank one beer, it would soon be a dozen and very shortly, he was thinking about using crack (his drug of choice). Kyle knew this story very well, because it was Kyle’s story. So he shared his story with Caleb. It didn’t seem to work. Caleb kept wood working and didn’t really engage in the program. Caleb was antagonistic, he would challenge the tenets of the program, ask questions about will power, saying recovery was a choice, and that he was “not an addict forever.” He didn’t think that any program would help him, but he knew that if he went out into the real world, he would use again.

    Many offenders self-sabotage their release process by getting into fights and end up staying in prison a few months longer. This happened to Caleb. He remained at the Johnston Unit a few months longer, which was just enough time to let Kyle’s work with him penetrate. Upon his release, Kyle gave Caleb the information on 12-step meetings in Beaumont and he agreed to attend the meetings. Kyle continues to communicate to Caleb, who is sober and has not re-offended.

    At this point, Kyle Gage has been out of the Johnston Unit for about a year. He is wrapping up his Drug Court commitment. He is enrolled in a community college to get his Associates Degree and also works as a new car salesman. Kyle will continue recovery coaching to help himself and others maintain the recovery that he loves.

  • The Sobering Center’s Recovery Coach- George Shea

    interior photo of sobering centerThe Houston Recovery Center

    The Houston Recovery Center and the Sobering Center, is located at 150 N Chenevert St, in Houston, Texas. The Sobering Center employs recovery coaches, case managers and Emergency Medical Technicians (EMTs). At first I thought a Sobering Center was a unique set-up for drunks to “just to sleep it off.” This is how it works: Houston police bring in intoxicated people to the Sobering Center in lieu of jail. Sounds like an easy solution for an alcoholic, yes? But this facility provides much more than an alternative to incarceration for individuals who are intoxicated and on the streets. Inebriate adults remain in the Sobering Center for 5-6 hours and have a recovery coach assigned to them. This recovery coach will suggest detox, rehabilitation treatment and recovery coaching support. The clients begin to develop options for greater self-care and self-determination. Case workers can guide the client toward more stable living arrangements. EMTs check their vitals regularly. At the end of six hours the client is free to walk out and will continue to receive weekly recovery coaching services or the client can elect to participate in a detox and treatment program. What is extremely comforting is, if admitted to the Sobering Center, no one will receive a police record, or an arrest record.

    How did Sobering Centers Start?

    There is a decade-long, upward trend in emergency department (ED) overcrowding and increased jail time for nonviolent offender populations. Homeless, alcohol-dependent people have accounted for a significant portion of this escalating trend. Law enforcement is the first point of contact with intoxicated individuals and the last contact is jail, or the emergency department, so police departments and hospital emergency physicians have been begging for an intervention. As a result, the Sobering Centers were born.

    There are Sobering Centers all over the country, so the concept is not new. Some may be in your city. There is The Sobering Center in San Antonio, the Sobering Center/Inebriate Reception Center in San Diego, The Sobering Center in Redding, California, the San Francisco Sobering Center, the CARE Connection Sobering Center in Santé Fe, New Mexico, and the Dutch Shisler Sobering Support Center in Seattle, Washington. The Dutch Shisler Sobering Support Center has been open for over twenty years, and the San Francisco Sobering Center, opened in late 2003 and has provided over 10 years of care for the homeless population in the Mission District.

    Houston Recovery Center’s Sobering Center has had 14,000 admissions since they opened their doors in 2013. That is an average of 100-150 people a week. Prior to the Houston Center’s opening, police were making about 17,000 arrests a year for public intoxication, racking up between $4 and $6 million in police costs alone. The Sobering Center has reduced that number significantly; from June 2013 to June 2014, Houston police booked just shy of 2,500 people on public intoxication, according to an August, 2014, Houston Chronicle article.

    What is the role of a recovery coach at a sobering center?

    The Center’s recovery coaches and case managers offer the option to sober up for 5-6 hours, 24/7/365. A recovery support specialist is available at any time to have that conversation with anyone sobering up at the Center. There are always three recovery support specialists on duty along with a medically trained technician and a case manager. They walk through the dorms to ensure the clients are okay. The EMT checks on the client’s vitals every thirty minutes. Once a person wakes up, the Recovery Support Specialist’s magic can begin.

    Once such magician is George Shea

    George is a recovery coach that admits clients into the Sobering Center. After a medical intake with an EMT and an assessment with a clinician, George shows the client to the dormitory and assigns the client a bunk. He stays engaged in conversation with the client, if they can remain awake. This conversation is purposeful, to gather information and to find out if the Sobering Center can help them. George is there to find out if there is a problem, or if they want to speak to a counselor so they can find rehabilitation help. If they want to go into treatment, the Sobering Center has connections with several detox centers, and rehabs. If they need a roof over their head, the Center is affiliated with several facilities including a Salvation Army facility and the Star of Hope Mission that is right next door to the center. These are all specifically low- or no-cost options for the individual.

    Yet, some clients leave the Sobering Center without seeking treatment. Any client who has visited the Center can sign up for follow-up recovery coaching calls and receive recovery coaching face to face. George calls clients once a week and asks them to complete various tasks such as formulating their recovery plan. George works with building the recovery capital of these clients, which includes providing clothing, finding housing or arranging for medical treatment.

    George interviews every client before they leave the Center. Paperwork is completed to capture the demographic of the client, and George, again, informs them that detox and treatment are available if they need or want to take advantage of the resources. George is not forcing anyone to make these changes, but he can help. George often relates his story in this process.

    George’s Story

    George grew up in Houston, in an alcoholic family. He began using at 12, and started losing interest in school, and gaining more interest in drugs and alcohol. Eventually he got kicked out of the house at 18, and dropped out of high school. His mother died when he was 20. The family imploded. He was employed as a DJ at a local radio station, and the DJ lifestyle made it easy for him to use. Eventually, his stepmother initiated a family intervention targeting his dad. During family week at the treatment center, his family initiated another intervention, this time with George as the target and he stayed at the same facility for 6 weeks. He left treatment but relapsed immediately with intravenous drug use. He moved to San Diego, California, and limped along, either in feast or famine, in-between addiction and work.

    He couldn’t keep a job or a relationship. His DJ-ing exacerbated the addictive behaviors. He was fortunate to have a small inheritance, but that also fed his addiction. In his late 40s, his health was deteriorating, he was losing his teeth, he had symptoms of diabetes, and finally had enough. He was living in a dilapidated house in Seattle that was going to be torn down. He felt so much shame. He lived an addicted life and continuously put up a front that he was okay. Finally he reached out to his family and asked for help. They said to they would help him, but he had to go to treatment and live in a halfway house in Houston. He had his last drink sleeping in his car outside of a Mexican restaurant, the night before he entered treatment.

    In March 2009, he threw himself into recovery. He became active in a home group, and started doing service. Because of his broadcasting skills, he began producing a recovery radio show. His show is a mix of music and message. The message is that a life in recovery is a positive testament to who you are. The program link is: www.live365.com/stations/docjabbo . When George heard about recovery coaching, he knew he wanted to be a certified Recovery Support Specialist. He completed the CCAR Recovery Coach Academy training at the Center for Wellness and Recovery (http://www.wellnessandrecovery.org/) and started working at the Sobering Center.

    One Life Saved . . .

    George says his role is limited because he has these people for only a short period of time. He gives it his best shot. George gets the full spectrum of clients, some in full denial of their addiction, some aware of their addiction but with interest in changing and others in the middle, wanting to take action but not able to sustain any meaningful sobriety. The amount of brutality experienced by people living on the streets was truly an eye opener for George. Sometimes he hears from a client he helped. Like this guy from Michigan, his name is Richard, and he came into the Center about two years ago. He opened up to George about how he had ruined his life, and lost his wife and children. Richard is a craftsman who works with his hands but was homeless. In the past two years, George had gotten him into several detox and recovery programs, and yet Richard would relapse and come back to the Sobering Center. Richard would commit that he is on board to get sober, then he’d relapse, and come to talk to George. Richard is now enrolled in Cenikor, in their two-year treatment program. Cenikor is a well-respected treatment program with locations in Texas and Louisiana, where the clients live at the facility, work for the program, and as residents receive job training and career planning. George sees something in Richard that he doesn’t see in many of his clients. Richard may fall, but he keeps getting back up. That gives George a feeling of hope for him. And perhaps George’s coaching is making a difference in Richard’s life.

     

  • Fortify-A free online program to help battle pornography addiction

    Fortify-logoWhat would be better than a free program for individuals 20 years and younger to use to battle their porn addiction? After all, statistics show that 93% of all boys have been exposed to pornography by the age of 18, and 70% of these boys have spent at least 30 minutes viewing porn at least once. Of the entire population of young men, only three percent have never viewed porn, and of the entire young female population, only 17% have never viewed porn. So no matter what you might think — your child has viewed porn.

    Fortify is a perfect tool to help change behavior and it is designed to be used on any device, a smartphone, tablet, laptop or desktop computer. It is free, and does not require any parental approval to download. The program is also available for adults that find themselves in the throes of a pornography addiction.

    Young people between the ages of 13-20 will have free access to the Fortify Program, thanks to the generous donations of others. For anyone else 21 years of age or older the cost is $39. Fortify suggests each adult subscriber donate $39. to cover the fee for one teenager, this sponsorship is optional. Of course, for those adults who are able, Fortify will gladly accept additional sponsorships.

    Once a login username and password have been issued, the user will always have access to the Fortify Program. The Fortify Program has fifty-two short videos that cover the science of addiction, the harms of pornography, tools and other helpful information to empower the user to overcome pornography. It is recommended to move through the software in 3 months to fully complete the Fortify program, but everyone’s recovery pace varies. Just as everyone’s level of addiction is different, everyone’s recovery will be different.

    There are some really interesting features, like a calendar called “battle tracker” that will allow the user to record victories and setbacks. Not only can a user record the day that they had a setback but also the time, location, and device used. Tracking this information will help them see trends and triggers, allowing for necessary changes to be made.

    The Fortify Program is largely self-directed. The commitment to, and application of what is learned, is vital to any success. It is not just watching some videos to fix the addiction. This is going to take work. Fortify is not just a standalone solution to a pornography addiction. Along with help from a therapist, and/or group therapy, individuals can stand united in this battle against pornography addiction. It is a good idea to find a clinician who understands pornography addiction and the Fortify Program. It is recommended to engage with a 12-step, mutual support group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and/or Sex Addicts Anonymous which can help adults in this recovery process, as well.

    If you’ve got more questions, email the creators of Fortify at info@fortifyprogram.org.

  • Recovery Coaches to the Rescue

    Recovery Coaches to the Rescue

    FBI PhotoIt is 5:30 am and a band of FBI and local sheriff authorities pull up to a New Jersey suburban house in a development not far from Philadelphia. Adorning Kevlar vests, and windbreakers with the yellow letters FBI on their backs, they storm past a toy doll stroller in the sidewalk. They bang on the door with their fist, demanding “Open up this is the FBI”. After a few more wraps, a bleary eyed woman about 40 years old opens the door a crack and peers out. With a burst of energy, five FBI agents and two local police enter her foyer, issue her a search warrant and spew out demands, only one she actually hears, “Your husband is under arrest for child pornography, where are the computers?”

    Emily, (all real names in this story will be withheld for privacy purposes) is dazed. She is in her bathrobe, and slippers, her hair is mussed, her eyeglasses crooked. She is barely awake. She glances at the stairs. She sees her two children at the top of the stairs, as a troop of agents make their way up to them. The agents ascend, as her girls descend squeezing towards the wall making way for the army of six foot, 250 pound men barreling past them. They are asking “Mommy, what is happening?” A sheriff from the local police department asks where her husband is. She says he is at work; he works the midnight shift at a local hospital. The Sheriff gets on his walkie-talkie and bursts out some demands, heralding a similar event at her husband’s workplace.

    It is 6:00 am, and Tom is just wrapping up from his shift as a nurse. His supervisor walks up to him and a force of blue windbreakers flank him on either side. “Tom,” his supervisor says, “these gentlemen want to see you in my office”. As they turn to go to the office to FBI agents take Tom at the elbows and nearly lift him off his feet. He arrives in the supervisor’s office, is placed in an arm chair and the door slams. Tom hears the words he has feared for the past two decades. “You are under arrest for the possession of, and the suspected distribution, copying, or advertising of images containing sexual depictions of minors.” For some strange reason, Tom is relieved. He thinks “It’s over, it is finally over.”

    It is Monday night, a steady stream of middle aged men drift into a hospital conference room, and take a seat. One of them opens a gym bag and starts to place books, pamphlets and tri-fold fliers on the table. A clear plastic envelope stuffed with one dollar bills is placed next to a thin loose-leaf binder. He sits down, opens the binder, checks the time on his cell phone and says, “Welcome to the Monday night meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, my name is Ken, and I am a sex and love addict.” The seemingly normal cohort of men reply, “Hi Ken”.

    The Monday night meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous begins. The reading is on Step Three; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God. During the share a newcomer tells his story about what brought him into the rooms tonight. He is not sure he can be helped. He knows he has been a porn addict for all of his adult life. He says he has just been found out and he has no idea what will happen next, to his life, to his marriage, to his kids. He was advised to go to a 12 step meeting, and luckily he saw this meeting listed.

    The members of this unlikely band of brothers looks at Tom. His head is down. His focus is on the ravaged cuticles of his right thumb. As he raises his thumb to his mouth, a tear rolls down his cheek. They know how he feels. Each one of them have felt this same despair. Joe raises his hand to share. Joe is almost 45, yet one would think he is no older than 35. His Goorin Brothers Slayer cap is on backwards, his flannel plaid shirt is unbuttoned revealing an LA Dodgers vintage t-shirt. Appropriately ripped skinny jeans end in Vans pull ons. He gets current, talking about his therapist, his groups and what the third step means to him. Then he looks directly at Tom. “I know there is no cross talk in this meeting, so let me just say this, Tom, can we talk after the meeting?”

    Joe knows what has happened to Tom. Tom need not even say the word ‘legal’ for the subliminal message to be delivered. Joe knows because it happened to him, less than two years ago. The Cop Knock. The end of life as he knew it. The opening up of a new world. A new life without any more hiding.

    Relief.

    Joe and Tom walk to the café and Joe buys Tom a coke and a sandwich. It is the first thing Tom has eaten in two days. The café is empty, so they find a corner table and sit down. After just a few minutes, Tom’s experience from the last week is told. Joe’s head was nodding the whole time, but he lets Tom talk.

    Before an hour was up, Joe had given Tom the name of three men, Michael, Steve and Mike. Also, the number of an attorney and of a therapist that specialized in treating offenders. As they walked out of the hospital, Joe said the first call should be to Michael. Michael will coordinate everything. And Joe was right, Michael coordinated everything.

    Michael answers the phone at 9:15, and Tom was on the line. Michael was already prepared by Joe’s call, just minutes before. By 10:00, Michael assembled the team and briefed us all. The attorney appointment will be made by Tom. The therapist introduction will be on the phone, and the first group therapy meeting is tomorrow and Joe will bring Tom. Mike and Steve will call Tom daily for support. I am assigned to work with the wife.

    Every one of us responds to this call. It initiates a recruitment effort that rivals the Avenger’s response to Ultron’s threat to eradicate humanity. This team is committed to  respond to any sexual addiction crisis- the family affected by a patriarch’s incest, the individual devastated by sexual abuse, or the man that has heard the “Cop Knock”. We know they feel alone, whether they have been abandoned by their family, abused by loved ones or in this case, arrested for an illegal act. Tom needs his Avengers team to help him, because this is territory he is not familiar with. But this team is very familiar with it; the family dynamics, the law, the courtroom, treatment and therapy, prison and re-entry. We have walked this path, and emerged on the other side, as healthier and better people for the experience. So we are there, in order to keep our sobriety, we are doing service to give back what we have freely received.

  • K9-Free and Effective Porn Blocker for MacBook and iPhones

    block porn

    As a recovery coach, I have been asked by many a porn addict, “what is an effective block to use on their digital equipment?” I say K9. The added bonus – K9  is free. But it is difficult to install. Fortunately, Dr Todd Love, PsyD, JD, MBA, LPC, CSAT, S-PSB, DCC has perfected downloading and installing the highly recommended K9 Web Protection app on Apple products, including MAC computers, MacBooks, iPads and iPhones. Dr Love wants to share this with you.

    Dr. Love is a former IT professional (nearly 15 years as a corporate techie before becoming a psychologist). He specializes in treating cybersex addicts in his practice. Dr. Love has spent years and years (and years and years), setting-up blocks on clients’ systems and then had these clients find ways around the block. The result, in his expert opinion, is a HIGHLY robust and effective, porn-blocking tool.

    For myriad valid reasons, we all spend a large proportion of our time online. So the concept of not having Internet access is antediluvian. Further, using an archaic flip phone is not an option for a career professional in today’s world. Dr Love’s clients require “fully secured, yet fully functional” technology device(s). This is why Dr. Love developed these install instructions for K9.

    Dr. Love is very tech savvy and has documented the K9 configuration for your digital equipment in a 3-part blog series that walks through the details of how to set it up. Below is his personal porn-blocking solution. He has specifically developed a MacBook + iPhone combination that is, in my opinion, really good. It’s somewhat complex, so be prepared. Perhaps invite a geek in a “S” recovery program to assist in the install. The 3-part blog series is on Dr. Love’s website, and the links are below. Feel free to share this information.

    IT is a work in motion, as technology is ever-changing…. Feel free to ask Dr. Love questions, send comments, etc.

    Todd L. Love, PsyD, JD, MBA, LPC, CSAT, S-PSB,

    http://www.doctoddlove.com/about-todd-love/

    todd@doctoddlove.com

    www.doctoddlove.com

    Athens, Georgia

    706-383-7401

  • Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

    The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

    Childhood experiences

    The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

    Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

    So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

    The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

    What can these addicts do to change?

    As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

    These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

    A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

    How does a healthy person think about love?

    A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

    Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

    A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

    Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

  • Others in the Dance of Love….

    Others in the Dance of Love….

    A few more members are joining us in the Dance of Love

    Being AmbivilentLike Goldilocks, women (mostly) are all looking for the “three bears,” all in one man. Not too hot (average looking), not too cold (balanced ego) and is just right (financially self-supporting). Goldilocks often fantasizes that her perfect mate has a little bit of the great characteristics from all of her former lovers, such as from former relationship #1, the characteristic of the caring guy that gives her presents, or the handy man-car mechanic from former relationship #2 or the paternal instincts of former relationship #3. When Love Addicts fantasize about someone, they cannot let it go, even if their love interest is emotionally unavailable or toxic. By toxic, I mean their love interests are abusive, controlling, narcissistic or addicted to something.

    The Torchbearer

    Love Addicts who obsess for years over one person are called “Torchbearers.” This used to be called unrequited love. This kind of love addiction, more than any other, breeds by fantasies and delusions. Flash to the image of a tween’s bedroom with the current teen idol’s poster on her wall. Torchbearers often believe that their infatuation is reciprocated (returned). However, Torchbearers can develop erotomania — a delusion in which a person believes that another person (typically of higher social status) is in love with them.

    The Relationship Addict

    If the Love Addict is not in love anymore, but is just hanging in there for the companionship, they are a Relationship Addict. I describe these in a gender description of a woman, however, these characteristics can exist in a man as well. The non-committed, emotionally unavailable man (love avoidant) pairing with an overly attentive female (love addict) who is willing to hang in there, no matter what, is a surprisingly a common type of relationship. Ever wonder about the woman in a fifty-year marriage to an emotionally distant, overly sports-focused male, and ask “Why?”

    The Player

    Today, we might find an “eager to sow their wild oats” young adult, and describe them as a “player.” Is this person unable to commit to an emotionally intimate partner? Perhaps they are fearful of emotional vulnerability and afraid to get involved in a relationship that may challenge them. By being vulnerable to a mate, would that make them less of an independent person? Again, these descriptions apply to any gender, man or woman. Players are really love ambivalents.

    The Love Ambivalent

    In therapy, ambivalent individuals recall feeling humiliated, at some point, in their young childhood for being too emotional. Parents may have conveyed that “big boys don’t cry” or girls shouldn’t be a “drama queen.” They recall making a silent vow to never display any needs or emotional weaknesses. For them, the sad result is they reject the emotions needed for deep and intimate attachments. They are fearful of chastisement or criticism when they show emotions. They don’t cry at sad movies. They sign birthday cards to their children with a “luv ya.” They are often termed as cold and uncaring. They never share their feelings nor can they ever express their true selves, vulnerable feelings and all. What saves many of these ambivalents, is there is at least one person with whom they can feel safe, a grandfather, an aunt or sometimes a friend.

    When the ambivalent reads about the love addict or love avoidant, they identify with them both, feeling somewhat split, personality-wise, between the two. They want love, but turn away when love gets a bit too intimate. When I refer to love addicts and love avoidants being two sides of the same coin, that coin is really the love ambivalent.

    The love ambivalent eventually tires of running around, ages out of being a player or sees their love interest maturing to the next level of commitment. Fearing being left alone (yes, abandonment plays a large part in an ambivalents’ life, as well) they will commit to the latest person in their lives. This can bring a feeling of relief to the ambivalent’s partner/love addict/love interest, at first. But as the marriage progresses, unless the ambivalent has worked out a better way to communicate, show vulnerability and understand how to be intimate, the ambivalence continues. The partner finds themselves with an unreadable partner on whom they cannot depend for the plain old logistics of family life, let alone their own emotional needs.

    Are you a love ambivalent?

    The challenge is not to overly analyze how you feel or think about your ambivalence but rather to reflect on the various decisions that you make after making a commitment to someone. Consider this: decide daily (and I do mean daily) to be faithful, honest, thoughtful, loving, and so forth — or identify if you choose to run away, pick a fight, or turn to an addiction. Obviously, romantic, intimate relationships should be loving and certainly more good than bad, but expect that sometimes you might act in ambivalent ways with your partner or family. Learn from these situations and improve upon them the next time you encounter a similar situation. Being perfect is being just plain unrealistic. So, be ambivalent, but then decide to behave in ways that are consistent with your new values and emotional commitment.

    Lesson learned.

  • The Dance of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant

    A love addict knows they do not want an emotionally unavailable partner, and the love avoidant knows they want an emotionally distant mate. Yet, the love addict and love avoidant still end up being attracted to each other.

    The love addict, having experienced childhood emotional and/or physical abandonment, will look for someone who can dance of a love avoidant love addict“rescue” them. The love avoidant, having experienced childhood enmeshment, will look for a person to “rescue.”

    Love avoidants recognize and are attracted to the love addict’s strong need to be rescued, or their fear of being abandoned. Avoidants know that they have control with a love addict. All they have to do to trigger their partner’s abandonment fear by being distant or threatening to leave. Love avoidants, whenever they pull that ‘I am leaving’ trigger, use it so they are in control. This allows them to be distant, to escape and avoid intimacy whenever they want. The avoidant’s behavior makes the love addict do anything to keep the avoidant, anything at any cost in order not to be abandoned. This interplay is what we refer to as “the dance.”

    What does the love addict/love avoidant dance look like?

    The love addict enters any relationship in a haze of fantasy, whereas the love avoidant feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as “needy,” even though the avoidant is unsure of their long-term staying potential in the relationship. The dance of the love addict and love avoidant goes something like this:

    Love Addict: “I am SOOOOO happy…I met this man and he’s everything I’ve always wanted…he has a fantastic job, loves travelling and loves children. We’re trying to see each other every day and I text him every morning, we talk at least 20 times a day… ”

    Avoidant: “I met this girl, I’m not too sure about her, but she’s nice, I mean…I may as well give it a try…”

    The love addict uses denial to protect their addictive rituals and fantasies, not wanting to look at the avoidant building up walls and starting to back away. The love avoidant, in order not to be controlled and to fulfil his or her duty, appears to be two things: being available to help, maybe even being sexually available, but hiding behind a wall that protects the avoidant from any emotional connection.

    Love Addict: “It’s great, I mean, he works a lot – weekends included – and with his volunteer commitments, we don’t spend a lot of time together but that’s okay….Guess what? He’s invited me for a get-away weekend at the beach!

    Avoidant: “OK…I’d better give her something or she’s really going to get mad….I’m going to send her flowers and maybe book a hotel room at the beach….”

    Something happens and reality comes crashing in on the love addict, the fantasy of a relationship with the perfect person is destroyed. The love addict enters  emotional withdrawal from the fantasy and in this withdrawal phase they experience an overwhelming sense of pain, shame, rage or panic. At the same time, the love avoidant starts to feel controlled or smothered. An entitlement characteristic comes forth and the avoidant says they deserve their independence, their life, they have work or family responsibilities, etc. The avoidant turns from the white knight into a wall of brick.

    Love Addict: “You’ll never believe it…first he said he’d phone me and then he didn’t. At the last minute, he cancelled the weekend at the beach because he needed to work… I don’t know how I can get through this: I feel rejected, abandoned, alone.

    Avoidant: “I can’t believe she’s so angry about me cancelling the trip… I have to work. Where does she think the money comes from for the gifts, the dinners, the flowers? I’m through with her, I am done, this relationship is too much work….”

    To return to the fantasy, and avoid feeling this sense of helplessness and hopelessness, the love addict either medicates, obsesses about the person or starts getting even. The love avoidant begins to feel hurt, and remembers that this is why he choose not to get close in a relationship, they create distance, and wants to numb out. The avoidant will numb out by creating an intensity outside of the relationship, often with substances, risk taking, or by sexually acting out.

    Love Addict: “I’m useless and I will die alone as a bag lady, and homeless. No one wants me. How am I going to live on my own? Maybe if I change, if I go on a diet, say I am sorry…”

    Avoidant: “I can’t breathe anymore… She is always telling me what she needs, wants… Gee, I need some space…I need to relax… I’ll just have this one drink (or joint, affair, etc.).”

    The final part of the dance is for the love addict to return to the fantasy with the same love avoidant partner or find a new love interest…and for the love avoidant they will either return to the relationship with the love addict because they subconsciously fear being alone, and return out of guilt, or they will move on to a new partner.

    Love Addict: “He called me, it’s fantastic! I think he is going to ask me to marry him!” or “You won’t believe it, I met a new guy, he just split up with someone…”

    Avoidant: “If I ask her to marry me, she’ll forgive me for my affair…” or “I can’t handle her anymore…so I met this girl last night…”

    What if you identify with the love addict or the love avoidant ?

    The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned. They are two sides of the same coin. Both have experienced childhood trauma, both need to learn about how to face their fears, and their abandonment traumas. Both need to embrace a desire to achieve healthy intimacy with their partner.

    If you find yourself enmeshed in this ‘Dance”, consider speaking to a professional. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health has certified therapists in your area that may be able to help.

     

  • The Dance of Love – The Love Avoidant

    codependent-relationshipWhat is a love avoidant?

    The love avoidant will build relational walls during intimate contact in order to prevent feeling overwhelmed by the other person. The love avoidant associates love with duty or work.

    This coping mechanism is usually the result of a child being parented by an adult with no personal boundaries, making the child “responsible” for the major caregiver’s happiness or sometimes, their survival. The child often feels smothered by the parent. As a result, the child loses all sense of self and starts believing that esteem is directly related to how much he/she takes care of other people. For the love avoidant, being in a relationship (i.e. relational) involves making sure that walls are in place to reduce the intensity in a relationship, to avoid being controlled or smothered and/or to avoid the risk of showing vulnerability. Love addiction is frequently discussed in the 12-step rooms of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, however, the love addict’s dark twin, love avoidance, is often brushed under the rug.

    What are the signs of a love avoidant personality?

    1: Fear of intimacy and emotional closeness

    For an avoidant, intimacy equals the risk of being hurt. Although in a healthy relationship emotional intimacy is essential and sought after, emotional closeness is the love avoidant’s ultimate fear. For the avoidant, intimacy is identical to a feeling of being smothered or being controlled. The love avoidant builds walls and boundaries to make intimacy more, or less, impossible.

    2: What you see is not what you get . . .

    A love avoidant may be acting as a love addict. Often they share the same desires and act as the chameleon to become their love interest’s rescuer. A love addict sees the avoidant as the perfect partner, their white knight and hero. But after a while in a relationship, the love avoidant seems to change from a hero to a cold, unavailable or distant partner. Indeed, the love avoidant cannot continue the charade of being Prince Charming and starts using certain coping mechanisms that will protect him (or her) from anyone trying to get closer.

    The avoidant uses these coping mechanisms, or boundaries, and comes across as not being “committed” to the relationship. The avoidant suddenly becomes super busy at work, volunteers an extravagant number of hours to a charity, creates drama through arguments or simply avoids physical intimacy – the love avoidant will do anything to avoid intimacy.

    3: The presence of an addiction or a compulsive problem

    A typical characteristic of the love avoidant is the presence of an addiction. Undeniably, there’s nothing better than an addiction to keep people away! From substance abuse to behavioral addictions, the avoidant person may use sex with others, video games or work to avoid intimacy in their primary relationship.

    4: Narcissism

    Often the love avoidant displays a number of narcissistic features. Although it may not be a clinical diagnosis of narcissism, the avoidant feels a sense of entitlement and has a two-faced personality – turning from “Mr. Nice Guy” in public to “King Lear” in private. Wishing to cover up their true feelings, an avoidant becomes defensive at any challenge, has major difficulty admitting a mistake, and can fall into compulsive lying. It is easy to see how the love avoidant can very often be mistaken for a person with narcissistic personality disorder.

    5: Resistant to help

    We often hear much more about the love addiction part of this illness than the love avoidance aspect, because the love avoidant is highly resistant to asking for professional help, either for themselves or their relationship. Indeed asking for help from anyone, let alone a clinical professional, would require the ability to open up oneself to vulnerability and connection . . . and of course, this is what the love avoidant fears most. Being in a relationship with a love avoidant is like being in a relationship with an actor in a movie.When the director yells “cut,” the love avoidant actor recedes to their trailer for privacy and protection from outside influences.

    Yet, somehow the love addict and love avoidant are drawn to each other. Read more on this dance of love between the love addict and love avoidant in next week’s post.

  • The Dance of Love—What is a Love Addict?

    The Dance of Love—What is a Love Addict?

    codependent-relationshipWhat are the characteristics of a love addict? 

    Scratch the surface of a sex addict and you will find a love addict. Scratch the surface of a love addict and you will find a love avoidant. This is a perplexing situation for most of the individuals who are facing these complex behavioral addictions.

    Love addiction or love avoidance is often an underlying addiction in many relationships. But it is hard to discern the dance of a love addict and a love avoidant when you are on the dance floor with one. It helps to look at the definitions of each behavior.

    What is love addiction?

    “Love addiction is defined as a coping mechanism whereby an individual is obsessed with a fantasy he/she has created about another person, believing he/she is ‘loving’ the other but in fact objectifying the other person through the use of the fantasy.”

    -Pia Mellody

    Love addiction is usually created in childhood when a parent or major caregiver is incapable of displaying love or forming an attachment with their child, such as a parent who stands behind an emotional brick wall, perhaps is abusing drugs or alcohol, or is an overachiever in the workplace or in society. As it’s psychologically impossible for the child to believe that it’s the parent’s issue, the child has no choice but to take on the blame themselves and begins feeling “less than.”

    In adulthood, the love-addicted person believes that if nobody takes care of them, they will be abandoned, and unable to survive. As a result, the love addict has very few personal boundaries, becoming needy and creating drama (intensity) in a relationship, in order to draw attention to themselves, to be noticed and therefore “kept alive.”

    Love addicts live in a world of desperate need and emotional despair. Fearful of being alone or rejected, love addicts endlessly search for that special someone – a White Knight or Princess Leia, the person who will make them feel safe. Ironically, love addicts have overlooked numerous opportunities to experience the true intimacy they think they want. Passing by many a good man or woman, because the love addict thinks they are boring. Mainly because a love addict is more strongly attracted to the intense experience of “falling in love” than they are to the peaceful intimacy of a healthy relationship. As such, they spend much of their time hunting for “the one.” They base nearly all of their life choices on the desire and search for this perfect relationship – the person with an Ivy League degree, or the interesting job, the guy with the perfect wardrobe or the woman with a perfect body. The love addict will play the chameleon, engaging in hobbies that may not interest them or portraying themselves falsely in conversations and social interactions, in order to attract their mate. But what is a love avoidant? In next week’s post, I will explore the love avoidant characteristics.

     

  • Child Pornography – Part Three

    manhattan_bridgeWill an offender that views child pornograhy become a ‘hands on’ offender?

    The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers is an international, multi-disciplinary organization dedicated to preventing sexual abuse. In a report adopted by the ATSA Executive Board of Directors on September 7, 2010 it was found that there is increasing attention paid to Internet-facilitated sexual offending. Internet-related sexual offending includes different crimes, including: viewing, trading, or producing child pornography to be traded or posted on-line. Others use the Internet to make contact with a child, or adolescent, these offenders are often called ‘hands on’ or ‘contact’ offenders. These offenders seek to contact vulnerable persons for sexual chats (electronic correspondence), exploitation such as convincing a child to view or produce pornographic images (e.g., having the child take and email a nude picture of him/herself), or to arrange face-to-face meetings to commit sexual offenses (sometimes referred to as “luring” or “traveler” offending) .

    The vast majority of these ‘contact’ abuses against minors are from either a family member, or someone the child knows such as a family friend, coach, teacher or church leader, according to Dr. Fred Berlin, founder and director of the Johns Hopkins Sexual Disorders Clinic in Baltimore. Whereas the viewer of child pornography remains anonymous.

    That is not to say there is not a significant amount of psychological damage is perpetrated on children during the production and subsequent constant viewing of child pornography. Incredible and devastating harm is done to these young children that requires years of counseling and treatment in order for these young victims to heal, if they can ever heal. It is the point of this blog, to clarify that viewers of child pornography often do not move on to being ‘contact’ offenders.

    It is a primary concern for professionals who evaluate and treat Internet-facilitated sexual offenders to assess the risk these viewers may pose to perpetrate direct contact offenses with victim(s) or to commit future Internet-facilitated sexual offenses such as producing and/or distributing child pornography. Accurate risk assessment is critical to decisions by law enforcement in order to make appropriate recommendations for sentencing, treatment, and level of supervision. Across studies of Internet-facilitated child pornography offenders, approximately one in ten has an officially known history of contacting a child for the purpose of sexual offending . However, the majority of Internet-facilitated sexual offenders have no known history of contact sexual offenses. Some, through self-reporting, suggests these offenders may have committed contact offenses, but never got caught. However unfortunately, there is very little research to assess the risk of viewers of child pornography who have no official history of contact sexual offenses to relapse into contact offenders.

    A follow-up study of offenders that view child pornography suggest these individuals present less risk for any future hands-on offenses, on average, than undifferentiated samples of contact sex offenders . Viewers of child pornography also presented a relatively low risk to commit another child pornography viewing offense. The preliminary results of follow-up research suggest criminal history, self-reported sexual interest in children, and unstable lifestyle (e.g., substance use problems) are factors that identify the likelihood that contact offenders will re-offend. As a result of these risks and unstable lifestyles, 8.5% of the offender population are more likely commit a contact sexual offense in the future .

    Possession of child pornography is a felony under federal law and in every state. If you know of anyone producing or promoting child pornography, please report them through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678. If you are concerned about what you or a loved one has been looking at while online, seek the help of a professional who specializes in this area.

    References used in this blog:

    Motivans, M., & Kyckelhahn, T. (2007). Federal prosecution of child sex exploitation offenders, 2006 (Report No. NCJ 219412). Bureau of Justice Statistics Bulletin. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs.

    Seto, M.C., Hanson, R.K., and Babchishin, K.M. (in press). Contact Sexual Offending By Men with Online Sexual Offenses. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment.

    Seto, M. C., & Eke, A. W. (2005). The future offending of child pornography offenders. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, 17, 201-210

    Wolak, J., Finkelhor, D., Mitchell, K. J., & Ybarra, M. L. (2008). Online “predators” and their victims: Myths, realities, and implications for prevention and treatment. American Psychologist, 63, 111-128.

    The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) is a nonprofit multidisciplinary organization dedicated to scholarship, training, and resources for promoting sexual health and overcoming problematic sexual behaviors. SASH is the only organization dedicated specifically to helping those who suffer from out of control sexual behavior. http://sash.net/?q=about-us

    National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678 The CyberTipline is operated in partnership with the FBI, Immigration and Customs Enforcement, U.S. Postal Inspection Service, U.S. Secret Service, military criminal investigative organizations, U.S. Department of Justice, Internet Crimes Against Children Task Force program, as well as other state and local law enforcement agencies.

    Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers is an international, multi-disciplinary organization dedicated to preventing sexual abuse. Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers offers symposia, workshop presentations, discussion groups, and advanced clinics relating to issues in both victim and perpetrator research and treatment at an annual conference in November 2016.

     

     

  • Child Pornography — Part Two

    The Child Pornography Industry

    manhattan_bridgeThe pornography industry nets approximately $13 billion dollars of revenue in the United States, alone. Illegal child pornography revenue is around $3 billion annually and is one of the fastest growing businesses online (Top Ten Reviews, 2005)[1]. In 2014, the Internet Watch Foundation found 31,266 individual child abuse domains or URLs, a 137% increase from 2013. Today, there are estimated to be more than one million pornographic images of children on the Internet, with 200 new images posted daily. The U.S. Customs Service estimates that there are more than 100,000 websites offering child pornography — which is illegal worldwide. The fastest growing demand is for images depicting the worst imaginable type of abuse and images of the youngest children. Of P2P users arrested in 2009, 33 percent had photos of children age three or younger and 42 percent had images of children that showed sexual violence. More than half of all illegal sites reported by the Internet Watch Foundation are hosted in the United States. Illegal sites in Russia have more than doubled from 286 to 706 in 2002 (National Criminal Intelligence Service, 8/21/03). One can only imagine how much free child pornography transfers hands on an annual basis. Who is possessing all of this child pornography?

    What does an Internet viewer of underage pornography look like?

    Federal child pornography charges are leveled against judges, politicians, doctors, teachers and other well-regarded members of society more frequently than you would ever imagine. If you remember in 2015 alone, Glee co-star Mark Salling, TV producer on Law and Order Jace Alexander, and the Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle were all arrested for possession of child pornography. National Juvenile Online Victimization Study found that men who view child pornography include those who are:

    • Sexually interested in prepubescent children (pedophiles) or young adolescents (hebephiles), who use child pornography images for sexual fantasy and gratification
    • Sexually compulsive, meaning they are constantly searching for new and different sexual stimuli
    • Sexually curious, downloading a few images to satisfy that curiosity
    • Interested in profiting financially by selling images or setting up websites requiring payment for access

    These offenders weren’t concentrated in any specific geographic location, and their levels of income and education varied widely. Two-thirds were single, about one-quarter lived with children under the age of 18 and about one-quarter had problems with drugs and alcohol. In 2009, similar to 2006, about 20 percent of the offenders were between the ages of 18 to 25; while the majority of men who viewed child pornography were 26 or older. The National Crimes against Children Research Center reported the great majority of those arrested were non-Hispanic white men and less than 1 percent were women.

    Possession of child pornography is a felony under federal law and in every state. If you know of anyone producing or promoting child pornography, please report them through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678. If you are concerned about what you or a loved one has been looking at while online, seek the help of a professional who specializes in this area.

    References used in this blog:

    [1] Ropelato, Jerry. Top Ten Reviews. Top Ten Reviews, Inc. 5 December, 2005. http://internet-filter-review….pornography-statistics.html

    My Kid’s Browser: http://www.mykidsbrowser.com/internet-pornography-statistics.php

    International Watch Foundation 2014 Annual Report: https://www.iwf.org.uk/accountability/annual-reports/2014-annual-report

     Center for Problem-Oriented Policing, POP Center, The Problem with Child Pornography on the Internet, Guide No.41 (2006), by Richard Wortley and Stephen Smallbone

    Enough is Enough web site: http://www.enough.org/inside.php?tag=stat archives#3

    National Juvenile Online Victimization Study

    J Clark Baird, web site of a Kentucky criminal defense attorney, http://kyfederalcriminallawyer.com/practice-areas/federal-child-pornography-charges/

    SASH- Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health- http://sash.net/

  • Child Pornography – Part One

    Child Pornography – Part One

    manhattan_bridgePossession of child pornography is a felony under federal law, as well as every state. Because I am a recovery coach, I know some offenders, and I had some questions. I wanted to know more about these viewers of child pornography. Are they all potential hands-on offenders? Is this a victimless crime? What is the demographic of the users of underage pornography? I found there were some staggering statistics about child pornography. That billions of dollars are generated annually by child porn. The volume of pornography shared for free is incredible. That one image is all that is required to be convicted and eventually spending 15 years on probation under Megan’s Law. I wondered what were the costs to maintain the non-violent offenders of Megan’s Law, for life? This blog post, as well as others that follow, will explore the issues.

    How is child pornography viewed?

    Peer-to-peer (P2P) computer platforms are the most likely portal to view underage or child pornography. These are sites that share files for free. There are also for-profit pornography sites, which charge viewers a monthly membership fee. The for-profit pornography sites do list child porn sites, but are well hidden, because to do so is illegal. A person really has to dig and search diligently to find these child porn sites. Then there is the Dark Web.

    How does a P2P Network work?

    Peer-to-peer Networks or file sharing networks are vast global systems that can be located anywhere in the world. P2P networks are used by millions of people in order to acquire, for free, popular music, current television shows, movies, electronic books, and other digital material. The software allows users to log onto any P2P network and download files from other P2P network users.

    Limewire, Gnutella, or other file sharing programs are downloaded to your computer in order for you to view files. Users create copies of movies, book or photographs, and place them into folders that are accessible to other peers. Users search by using keywords, just like you search on Google, to find these folders. Type in what you are looking for, and these keywords are broadcast to the network of participating peers and again, just like Google, files appear below the search box.

    There are several reasons P2P networks are particularly attractive to child-pornography traffickers. First, child pornography on P2P networks is free. Any person with access to the Internet can connect to a P2P network. Secondly, P2P networks do not make use of servers, which means users can transmit illegal material without oversight from an online service provider like Google, EBay or NetFlicks. P2P networks are an anonymous way used to view, buy or sell anything online. The Dark Web, however, is more anonymous.

    What is the Dark Web?

    The “Dark Web” is an encrypted network that exists between Tor servers and their clients. These Tor servers are set up to be anonymous. After downloading a Tor browser bundle, clients can search the Dark Web, a supermarket of illegal activity, for drugs, weapons, murder for hire or pornography. For a porn addict, the Dark Web has anything that addict could want. Porn mixed with anonymous high-speed Internet is a lethal mix.

    Next week, I will discuss more detail the demographic of the average child-pornography viewer and the legal consequences.

    If you know of anyone producing, promoting or possessing child pornography, please report them through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678