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  • The dopamine gold rush: How bad habits are formed and kept

    By JayDee Vykoukal

    In September of 2024, researchers at the University of Central Florida ( UCF ) unveiled a rapid test sensor to detect dopamine in our system. The device will increase the detection of neurological diseases and cancers caused by too much or too little of this important brain chemical.

    Dopamine is a neural transmitter that regulates feelings of reward or pleasure. The UCF team, led by Professor Debashis Chanda, developed an “integrated optical sensor” able to detect the important brain chemical from unprocessed blood.

    The sensor uses a synthetic DNA strand, known as an aptamer, to identify the dopamine present in a person’s system.

    Dopamine’s Role in Society

    While this is good news for the neuroscience community, dopamine has had negative headlines of late. The neurochemical is an essential part of the human condition, though it also leads to forming habits — namely bad ones.

    Dopamine plays a huge part in our brain development, not least when we display destructive, repeated behavior. In Atomic Habits, author James Clear gives a detailed breakdown of all the neuroscience involved in habit formation, or what he calls the “habit loop.”

    How Habits Form

    Within the habit loop, Clear lists three core elements:

    Cue (The Trigger). Habit loops begin with a trigger for behavior: extrinsic or intrinsic signals that prompt a habitual response. Certain brain regions, like the basal ganglia, are where this interplay takes place.

    Routine (The Behavior). The next part of a habit loop is when it becomes routine — our decision-making process carries out this stage, guided by the prefrontal cortex. Routines will embed as neural pathways become active; these strengthen through a reaction known as long-term potentiation (LTP).

    Reward (The Reinforcement). Finally, dopamine gets to work in the reward phase, where the routine culminates. Dopamine governs how we feel rewarded, bolstering the habit loop and ensuring repeated behavior in the future.

    Distraction vs. Entertainment

    American cultural polemicist and music historian Ted Gioia likes to use the term “dopamine culture” to portray his worldview. His essay, “The State of the Culture, 2024,” published earlier this year, reads like a societal eulogy.

    Gioia believes we are seeing a “post-entertainment culture” emerge from the ashes of its previous glory. In his opinion, distraction has now taken over from arts and entertainment, and the distraction industry is here to stay.

    “This is more than just the hot trend of 2024,” writes Gioia. “It can last forever — because it’s based on body chemistry, not fashion or aesthetics.

    Where in the past, the emphasis was on keeping people awed or entertained, the present points to a new goal — addiction. “Everything is designed to lock users into an addictive cycle,” writes Gioia. “This is present in everyday life, not least our cell phones.”

    Fishing for Users

    While social media platforms fish for more subscribers, the psychological methods they use are what keep users hooked. The International Journal of Environmental Science and Public Health published a 2019 study on modern tech’s addictive features.

    The study points to how the exchange of personal data fuels a string of measures used within “Freemium” online games and social media apps. Researchers analyzed “several prominent smartphone apps” to uncover these methods.

    Addictive by Design

    Scientists highlighted at least six different mechanisms used in prevailing smartphone app development, with some classic psychological/economic theories present:

    — Endless scrolling. Once a video or post has finished, something similar appears underneath, tempting the user with more content.

    — Social comparison and social reward, which usually means a “like” on a social media post;

    — The endowment effect — or our hard-wired tendency to give personal belongings higher value than others. Once an app user has built a profile, added their preferences, and attached meaningful posts, they will be less likely to discard the app.

    — The mere-exposure effect, which is a form of cognitive bias in which people indicate a preference for something they find familiar; Social pressure. In apps like WhatsApp, the sender will see two gray ticks appear under a message they sent. These ticks turn blue when the recipient reads the message, putting them on a perceived time trial for responding.

    — The Zeigarnik effect refers to the human ability to remember unfinished tasks. This technique is especially powerful on social media platforms, where messaging or commenting makes up most of the activity.

    At the very least, apps’ success relies on showing users what they like to see. One example of this is a personalized news feed catering to a singular worldview. Algorithms reward the user with similar content to what they’ve seen before. This maneuver makes them feel more connected to their app and less inclined to switch off.

    Childhood Habits Have Become Untenable

    Social psychologist and author Jonathan Heidt has studied the phenomenon of smartphone technology and behavior extensively. In an Atlantic article titled “End the Phone-Based Childhood Now,” Heidt outlines how smartphones have laid waste to America’s youth.

    He cites one overwhelming consequence of teenage smartphone addiction: a precipitous rise in depression and anxiety. Suicide rates in American adolescents aged between 10 and 19 went up by half between 2010 and 2019. Just for girls between 10 and 14 years, the rate increased a shocking 131%.

    Falling Grades and Rising Depression

    Other implications include surging rates of isolation and a decline in academic achievement. All of these changes came when social media platforms were emerging into everyday life. What’s perhaps most startling is how both teen suicide rates and academic prowess were improving through the 2000s in America.

    The Nation’s Report Card published U.S. reading and math scores over the past few decades, cementing Heidt’s concerns. Both scores peaked in 2012, though they have each fallen in the years since. Clearly, bad habits are taking over in age groups where they shouldn’t be.

    The modern era is now rife with dopamine-inducing temptations wherever one turns. Ads for food and cookery influencers create content that might elicit binge eating. Moreover, news and short-form video platforms like YouTube Shorts allow vicarious — and often negative — viewing experiences, prompting unhealthy doom-scrolling.

    Rewiring the Habit Loop

    Of course, there is much conversation on this matter, with terminology to match. University of California, San Francisco Medical School professor Dr. Cameron Sepah is responsible for the term “dopamine fasting.”

    Sepah writes on his LinkedIn page how his “Dopamine Fasting 2.0” is an “evidence-based technique to manage addictive behaviors, by restricting them to specific periods of time…” His objective is for people to “regain behavioral flexibility” by fasting from impulsive choices.

    Fighting the Urge

    The method is a cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) driven process he calls “stimulus control.” Putting one’s phone away is the first step, followed by finding a less sedentary alternative to combat the urge to retrieve it. Finally, blocking the apps, platforms, or video games causing the problem is another suggested measure.

    Sepah also recommends “urge surfing,” wherein one reflects on the desire to repeat the habit in question, watching it “come and go.” By training oneself to understand why negative impulses occur, Sepah believes people can help weaken habituation, replacing bad habits with good ones.

    JayDeeVykoukal is the author of this article, a Doctor of Physical Therapy, a travel enthusiast, and a mom of two girls. Having completed her Doctorate of Physical Therapy at the University of Montana in 2013, Jay Dee has sought to combine her passion for health and wellness with her love for traveling and writing. She is an avid traveler who has visited over 30 countries.

    Jay Dee’s writing reflects her diverse passions for physical therapy, holistic health, travel, and parenting. She writes about everything from tips on injury prevention to gardening, science facts, and fun places to visit around the globe with children in tow. Jay Dee hopes to share her knowledge with others through her books and blogs so they can live happier, more meaningful, and healthier lives.

  • Recovery Contagion within the Family

    By Bill White

    Addiction runs in families, but far less known is the fact that recovery also runs in families. Recovery Contagion is a phenomenon have captured my attention in recent decades and been the focus of numerous articles. Recovery contagion is defined as the recovery from a disease spread by close contact.

    Scientific studies are unravelling the factors that combine to elevate risk of intergenerational transmission of addiction and related problems. These mechanisms of transmission include genetic and neurobiological influences, fetal alcohol spectrum disorders, assortative mating (attraction of those exposed to parental addition to individuals who share this family history), co-occurring conditions, temperament, developmental and historical trauma, family dynamics (e.g., parental/sibling modeling and collusion), early age of alcohol and other drug (AOD) exposure, and disruption of family rituals. (See Here for review of studies). Rigorous studies have yet to be conducted on the prevalence, patterns, and mechanisms through which addiction recovery of one family member increased the probability of other addicted family members also initiating a recovery process. The purpose of the present blog is to offer some observations on these issues drawn from decades of observation of families impacted by and recovering from severe and persistent AOD problems. The following suggestions should be viewed as hypotheses to be tested via scientific studies and more expansive clinical observations.

    • Innumerable patterns of recovery transmission exist within families. Recovery transmission may occur intergenerationally (e.g., parent to child) and Intragenerationally (between siblings) and reach the extended family and social network. The recovery influence may also be bi-directional, e.g., mother in recovery to addicted child, child in recovery to addicted mother). Recovery transmission, like addiction, can also skip generations.
    • The probability of recovery initiation of an addicted family member increases as the density of recovery within an addiction-affected family network increase. The contagiousness of recovery and the push and pull forces towards recovery increase exponentially as other family members initiate recovery and as overall health of the family system improves.
    • The mechanisms of recovery transmission within affected families include:

    1) infusion into the family of increased knowledge about addiction and recovery by the family member(s) in recovery,

    2) withdrawal of family support for active addiction,

    3) truth-telling about the addicted family member’s behavior and its effects on the family, 4) elicitation of hope,

    5) recovery role modeling,

    6) active engagement and recovery guidance by family member(s) in recovery,

    7) assertive linkage and co-participation in recovery mutual aid and other recovery support institutions,

    8) assistance when needed in accessing professional treatment,

    9) post-treatment monitoring and support, and

    10) adjustments in family life to accommodate recovery support activities for recovering members and family as a whole.

    These individual mechanisms achieve heightened power when sequenced and combined over time.

    • Recovery of a family member can spark personal reevaluations of AOD consumption of other family members, resulting in a potential decrease in AOD use and related risk behaviors, even among family members without a substance use disorder. This may constitute a hidden benefit of recovery in lowering addiction-related costs to community and society.
    • The recovery contagion effect on other family members exists even when the recovering family member isolated themselves from the family to protect his or her own recovery stability. The family’s knowledge of the reality of his or her continued recovery and its effects on their health and functioning exerts pressure towards recovery even in absence of direct contact.
    • One of the most complicated forms of recovery contagion is between intimate partners who both experience AOD problems. The recovery of one partner destabilizes the relationship and increases the probability of recovery initiation of the other; addiction recurrence in one partner increases the recurrence risk in the other partner. Recovery stability is greatest when each partner established their own recovery program in tandem with activities to support “couple recovery.”
    • Where conflict exists between a family member in recovery and a family member in active addiction (e.g., a father in recovery and an actively addicted son), the conflict can serve as an obstacle to recovery initiation of the addicted family member. Though recovery initiation may be slowed, recovery prognosis is still increased, and the conflicted relationship is often reconciled when both parties are in recovery. When not reconciled, conflict can continue to be played out via different pathways of recovery.

    It is rare to escape injury to family within the addiction experience. Such injuries increase progressively within families in which multiple people are experiencing AOD-related problems. For those of us who find ourselves in such circumstances, the greatest gift we can offer our family is our own recovery.

    Related Papers of Potential Interest

    Evans, A. C., Lamb, R., & White, W. L. (2014). Promoting intergenerational resilience and recovery: Policy, clinical, and recovery support strategies to alter the intergenerational transmission of alcohol, drug, and related problems. Philadelphia: Department of Behavioral Health and Intellectual disAbility Services. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/2014%20Breaking%20Intergenerational%20Cycles%20of%20Addiction.pdf

    Navarra, R. & White, W. (2014) Couple recovery. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2018/03/couple-recovery-robert-navarra-psyd-lmft-mac-and-bill-white.html

    White, W. & Savage, B. (2003) All in the Family: Addiction, recovery, advocacy.   Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/2005AllintheFamily.pdf

    White, W. (2014) Addiction recovery and intergenerational resilience Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2014/07/addiction-recovery-and-intergenerational-resilience.html

    White, W. (2017). Family recovery 101. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2017/12/family-recovery-101.html

    White, W. Addiction/Recovery as a family tradition. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2017/12/family-recovery-101.html

    White, W. (2015) All in the family: Recovery resource review. http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/blog/2015/11/all-in-the-family-recovery-resource-review.html

    White, W. L. & Chaney, R. A. (2008). Intergenerational patterns of resistance and recovery within families with histories of alcohol and other drug problems: What we need to know. Posted at http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/2012%20Intergenerational%20Resilience%20%26%20Recovery.pdf

     White, W. L. & White. A. M. (2011).  Tips for recovering parents wishing to break intergenerational cycles of addiction. Posted at: http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/pr/Tips%20for%20Recovering%20Parents.pdf

    About the author:

    Bill White first published this blog on the web site WilliamWhitePapers.com on September 5, 2019. Bill White is a preeminent researcher on addiction and recovery. He received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Faces and Voices of Recovery in 2015. William L. White is an Emeritus Senior Research Consultant at Chestnut Health Systems / Lighthouse Institute and past chair of the board of Recovery Communities United. Bill has a master’s degree in Addiction Studies and has worked full time in the addictions field since 1969 as a streetworker, counselor, clinical director, researcher and well-traveled trainer and consultant. He has authored or co-authored more than 400 articles, monographs, research reports and book chapters and 20 books. His book, Slaying the Dragon – The History of Addiction Treatment and Recovery in America, received the McGovern Family Foundation Award for the best book on addiction recovery. Bill was featured in the Bill Moyers’ PBS special “Close to Home: Addiction in America” and Showtime’s documentary “Smoking, Drinking and Drugging in the 20th Century.” Bill’s sustained contributions to the field have been acknowledged by awards from the National Association of Addiction Treatment Providers, the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, NAADAC: The Association of Addiction Professionals, the American Society of Addiction Medicine, and the Native American Wellbriety Movement. Bill’s widely read papers on recovery advocacy have been published by the Johnson Institute in a book entitled Let’s Go Make Some History: Chronicles of the New Addiction Recovery Advocacy Movement.

    His web site is: http://www.williamwhitepapers.com/

    *Definition of Recovery Contagion:

    The recovery from a disease spread by close contact.

  • What do I need to be a recovery coach?

    I published the second edition my book Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions in 2019. Since the first edition was released (in 2013) there have been several changes in certification requirements for recovery coaches, and peer recovery specialists. The training of coaches has become one of the fastest growing aspects of the coaching field. So what kind of training do I need to be a recovery coach?

    Many of the organizations that offer addiction recovery coach training or peer recovery-support specialist training are listed on my web site . For many people interested in being a recovery coach, the training costs are an important factor. Deciding on the best training organization and the training necessary to fulfill the state certification requirements can be confusing. So I would like to attempt to clear up this confusion and will attempt to answer these questions in this post:

    What are the guidelines I must meet to apply for recovery coaching training?

    Applicants must meet the following guidelines to apply for a training course in order to be a recovery coach or a peer recovery support-specialist. These guidelines are shared by many training organizations and certification boards across the nation as a standard for what a potential recovery coach must have before applying for recovery coaching training:

    High school diploma, GED or higher

    Minimum of one year of direct knowledge of sponsorship and 12-step programs

    Minimum one year of sobriety from substance use or one year sobriety in co-occurring mental health and substance use disorders (self-attestation)

    Have a minimum of one year experience working with a family member, loved one or significant other that is addicted, is attempting to recover or who has loss their life due to an addiction(self-attestation)

    What kind of training do I need to be a recovery coach?

    Certification boards require the coach to receive peer recovery specialist or recovery coach training from an organization that is authorized by the state to give this training. This ensures the training will fulfill the requirements mandated by your state’s certification board. In order to find out what authorized training organizations are, go to your state’s certification board.

    After your research, you will need to complete the following:

    • Each state and organization has different requirements. So first check with your state to ensure the courses you take will be accepted by the state credentialing board.
    • A certain amount of hours in coaching training (46-120 hours depending on the state) in topics such as addiction recovery theory, motivational interviewing, relapse prevention, cultural awareness, suicide prevention and HIV-AIDS education
    • 8-16 hours of coaching ethics.

    The places in which you receive this training are quite diverse. In the links section of this web site,  ( https://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/recovery-coach-training-organizations/ ) I list over 250 organizations offering recovery coach training. The courses can be virtual, or in a classroom. The costs for this training is diverse as well, from free (in Ohio) up to $4,000 per course. The length of the course could be three days or four months.

    At no time does taking a recovery coaching course give you an immediate state certification board recovery-coaching credential. It gives you a document (called a certificate) that says you completed the training hours. There are many coaches who do not seek state board certification and use this document or certificate from a training organization as adequate proof they are knowledgeable in performing the duties of a recovery coach.

    There is a central international credentialing organization, the International Certification and Reciprocity Consortium, commonly known as the IC & RC, which runs many state credentialing boards and has developed an exam for a Peer Recovery (PR) Certification. The IC & RC suggests applicants check with their state credentialing board for specific test-taking guidelines.

    What differentiates a Peer Recovery Coach from a Professional Coach?

    Why the “Professional Coach” title? The word “professional” will differentiate Peer Recovery Coaches with more coaching experience and more training from other peer coaches with credentials or certifications. Employers ( e.g., hospitals, providers, prisons) employ coaches, and for these employers  the term “Professional” signifies a higher level of competence and expertise.

    There are trainings offered that can give a coach more information that may not be on the state certification board list but are very helpful. The kinds of training I found helpful as a new recovery coach are conflict resolution and management, anger management, intervention training, co-occurring disorders, behavioral addictions, the pharmacology of addiction, as well as knowledge about coaching families in relationships with addicted persons. There are also trainings on how to be a recovery coach in a hospital Emergency Department, working with Narcan revived patients, or working with people in prisons or the homeless. There are also organizations that offer Professional Coach certification (CCAR- Conneticut Community of Addiction Recovery, (https://addictionrecoverytraining.org/ ) and the International Coaching Federation that offers three different levels of life coach training: associate, professional- and master-level coaching certificates https://coachingfederation.org/

    After you receive this initial Peer Recovery Coach training, additional trainings can open up to you. The more time you engage in being a recovery coach and the more educational credentials you receive; you move closer to the “Professional Coach” status.

    Are there any additional credentialing organizations for recovery coaching certification?

    NAADAC, the Association for Addiction Professionals, and the National Certification Commission for Addiction Professionals (NCC-AP) offer the Nationally Certified Peer Recovery Support-Specialist Certification. Similar to the state certification- however- the NAADAC certification is good to use in every state in the union. So a coach does not have to worry about reciprocity from one state to another. The requirements the  NAADAC recommends, in order to receive certification, mandates a coach read and sign a statement on the application affirming adherence to the Peer Recovery Support-Specialist Code of Ethics. The new coach will confirm they have taken the NAADAC six-hour ethics training course and have completed six hours of HIV/other pathogens education and training course (also available through NAADAC).Credentialing boards require supervisors of the coaches-in-training to sign a document verifying they have supervised the coach during the 200-hour period of the coach’s  practice training. Letters of recommendation are also items required by some credentialing boards. Other state boards require a recent photograph.

     NAPS, or National Association for Peer Support is an organization for peers focusing on mental health recovery peer support as well as addiction recovery support. They have education and credentialing standards that are listed at : https://www.peersupportworks.org/.

    As always, check with your state credentialing board for specific requirements for credentialing training. Many states only accept training from an organization that have had their trainings screened by the state and authorized to be used as a credentialing training source.

    What is the next step in the  process of being qualified, getting training, and then credentialed as a recovery coach or peer-recovery support specialist?

    After you have completed the research as to what type of credentialling you want (e.g. state certification board, IC & RC or NAADAC), then seek out the training you can afford. Go to http://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/recovery-coach-training-organizations/ for a list of addiction recovery coach training organizations

    1. Verify that you meet the qualifications to apply for the course (e.g. be 18-years-old, have a GED or high school diploma, one year sobriety from any addiction)
    2. Take and pass the course, retain the coaching certificate for future purposes
    3. Research places like Recovery Community Organizations or treatment centers to work or volunteer as a recovery-coach-in-training to receive your practice hours.
    4. Complete the recovery-coach-in-training supervised practice hours that are required by the state board or the NAADAC
    5. Apply to your state certification board or the NAADAC for the time to take the recovery coach exam(a fee will apply)
    6. Send in your application with paperwork verifying the completion of practice hours to the state credentialing board with a certification fee (the additional fee varies for every state, from $100-$250)
    7. If you pass the exam and meet all the requirements listed on the application, you will receive your recovery coaching or peer-recovery support specialist certificate
    8. In the next 2 – 4 years take the required courses for renewing this certificate. Refer to your state board or the NAADAC for more information on courses and renewal time frames. A renewal fee will be required.

    So, whether you are working as a coach, looking to become one, if you are a family member, or an ally ready to learn about the recovery process, we can promise you the process to become a coach is a transformational experience.

    Good luck on your journey.

  • The Recovery Support that is Available Following Overdose

    What subsequently happens to people who experience a drug overdose and are successfully rescued through emergency medical intervention?

    What is their fate after they leave the hospital or other emergency care setting?

    Missing in the media coverage of the unrelenting legions of drug overdose deaths in the United States is an equally important but less heralded story. What happens to people who experience a drug overdose and are successfully revived through emergency medical intervention? What is their fate after they leave the hospital or other emergency care setting? The Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery (CCAR)  and other  grassroots recovery community organizations (RCOs) nationwide are influencing positive outcomes to overdose by placing recovery coaches with first responders and doctors in the emergency departments in hospitals to advance recovery options for the revived overdose patients.

    The Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery (CCAR) is one of several hundred recovery advocacy and recovery support organizations (RCOs) rising on the American landscape in the last two decades.  CCAR began piloting an Emergency Department Recovery Coach (EDRC) Program in March of 2017. Through this program, CCAR-trained recovery coaches are on-call for hospital emergency rooms to offer assistance to patients and their families during an emergency room visit resulting from an adverse drug reaction or other alcohol- or another drug-related medical crisis. An evaluation of EDRC services provided between March and November 2017 within four collaborating hospitals revealed the following. CCAR-trained recovery coaches provided recovery support services to 534 patients/families during the 8-month evaluation period with a relatively even distribution of services provided across the four hospitals. Of those served by the EDRC, the majority were in the ER due to an alcohol- or opioid-related condition; 70% were male; and 5% were seen more than once during the evaluation period. Most importantly, of the 534-people interviewed, 528 were assertively linked to a detoxification program, inpatient or outpatient treatment, or community-based recovery support resources.

    A more formal and sustained evaluation of the EDRC program is underway in collaboration with Yale University, and the program is now being expanded to an additional four hospitals. Funding support for the EDRC comes from the Connecticut Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services through support of the federal block grant and a Targeted Response to the Opioid Crisis Grant from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

    CCAR’s EDRC program has many distinct features worthy of replication and local refinement. Among the more striking of such features are the following-

    • The EDRC program is governed by a formal agreement between CCAR and each participating hospital that delineates the roles and responsibilities of each party.
    • The EDRC program is currently staffed by one Recovery Coach Manager and 9 full-time Recovery Coaches (RCs).
    • Emergency Department Recovery Coaches (EDRCs) are recruited and screened (2 interviews with background and reference checks) based on desired experience, skills, and a good work history, but also for what our EDRC manager, Jennifer Chadukiewicz, calls “a servant’s heart.”
    • All EDRCs go through more than 60 hours of training and spend the first weeks shadowing tenured EDRCs. The training includes the CCAR Recovery Coach Academy© (30 hours) as well as topical trainings, e.g., Narcan (naloxone administration), medication-assisted recovery, ethical decision-making, crisis intervention, and conflict resolution. Hospital specific training includes such areas as fire/general safety, OSHA, blood borne pathogens, infection control, hazardous materials, and HIPPA regulations.
    • EDRC Recovery Coaches are employed by CCAR rather than the hospitals and enter the hospitals as service vendors and “guests” who defer to leadership of ER staff.
    • The RCs are paid a livable wage ($20-$25/hr. to start plus benefits, health insurance, etc.) that allows them to work full time and support themselves and their families while affording time away for rest and self-care.
    • EDRC coverage is provided from 8 am to 12 midnight, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
    • Patients have the option of enrollment in enhanced Telephone Recovery Support (TRS) program (i.e., patients receive daily support calls for the next 10 days and then weekly if desired).
    • EDRC’s provide assertive linkage and transportation (when needed) to treatment and recovery support resources.
    • The EDRCs spend considerable time with community providers and other stakeholders building collaborative relationships that facilitate this patient referral and service linkage process.
    • CCAR provides each hospital emergency department with “prescription pad” style resource handouts that can be attached to discharge paperwork and given to patient friend/family member.

    There are critical windows of vulnerability and opportunity within addiction and recovery careers that serve to plunge one deeper into addiction or mark the catalytic beginning of a recovery process. The reversal of a drug overdose or treatment of other drug-related medical crises can constitute a recovery tipping point.

    The emergency room is not the only critical point of potential intervention to reduce the risk of drug-related deaths and to promote addiction recovery. For persons with a history of addiction, the days and weeks immediately following release from a correctional facility, release from an inpatient or residential detoxification/treatment program without medication support, or cessation of medication-assisted treatment, and even transfer from one medication-assisted treatment provider to another all constitute a zone of heightened risk for re-initiation of risky drug use and death. Altering such risks and tipping the scales toward recovery stabilization, recovery maintenance, and enhanced quality of personal/family life in long-term recovery should be the goals of every community. Recovery community organizations like CCAR are showing us how this can be done.

    This blog was written by William White, Rebecca Allen & Phil Valentine. It was originally posted on the William White web site: www.williamwhitepapers.com on January 18, 2018

    Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) is one of the nation’s first RCOs, CCAR pioneered what have since become standard RCO service fare: recovery-focused professional and public education, legislative advocacy, recovery community centers, recovery celebration walks and conferences, recovery support groups, training for recovery home operators, face-to-face and telephone-based recovery support services, family-focused recovery education and support services, and collaboration with research scientists on the evaluation of the effects of peer support on long-term recovery outcomes. As an example of its reach, CCAR’s Recovery Coach Academy curriculum has been used in the training of more than 20,000 recovery coaches in more than 33 states and in such countries as Sweden, Vietnam, Canada, and Spain.

  • Recovery Rising – A memoir of William L White

    Recovery Rising is the memoir of foremost recovery researcher and advocate, William L White. It has just been released on Amazon. White, for over five decades has had different roles in the addiction treatment field, beginning in Chicago’s inner city as a street worker working with addicts and the homeless, an addiction counselor, clinical supervisor, treatment administrator, educator, clinical and organizational consultant, and research scientist to being honored as the addiction field’s preeminent historian, one of the fields most visionary voices and a most prolific author.

    In Recovery Rising, William White’s ideas, methods, and organizational studies emerge to give the reader an idea on how dynamic a leader White is in the modern addictions field. These stories, sometimes poignant, sometime humorous always are revealing and informative. Williams White’s life work has been affirmed by this memoir and (hopefully) a younger generation of addiction advocates and professionals will be inspired by his story  to continue his good work.

    This link to his book on Amazon is:

    https://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Rising-Retrospective-Addiction-Treatment-ebook/dp/B07526ZDVD/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1506351061&sr=1-1&keywords=recovery+rising

  • What is a recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this article, I hope to define some different recovery coaching titles for those interested in becoming a recovery coach, what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches. If you are reading this to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is “an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey”. Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this article, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is required. If you want recovery coaching certification, google this term with the region you live in. For addition recovery coaching education, I suggest: adding certification for treating co-occurring disorders, training on the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, also certification for counseling individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders. If you would like to work in an inpatient treatment center, drug and alcohol counseling certification maybe required.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include coach supervision certification, which is training for individuals who want to manage other recovery coaches. Also there is an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching. A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program or a professional recovery coach certification from Recovery Coaches International. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches, developing a coaching relationship with a client outside of the clinical treatment. They can escort a client home from a treatment center and stay with the client for a period of time, insuring they do not relapse after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents. Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own coaching business. They will visit clients or talk with them over the phone or on SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator or will seek referrals from therapists. The client is billed directly for the coaching services, there is no insurance coverage for a recovery coach.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$18 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than five years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Care Act and the legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts, recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

     

  • Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly

    Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly is a new documentary by writer-director Justin Hunt and is narrated by Metallica’s James Hetfield.

    The movie is not about James Hetfield. Hetfield’s connection to the film is solely based on his connection with Hunt after the two worked on Hunt’s previous film Absent, a documentary about disengaged and absent fathers. Hetfield, who grew up without a father, spoke candidly in that movie—about his road to recovery.

    Hunt named the film as a nod to a scientific study where painted cardboard butterflies were used to see if male butterflies would be more attracted to the larger, more ornate butterflies. Guess what? They were. The analogy? Humans who choose a two-dimensional sexual exchange versus the real thing.

    There is no sex or porn education in schools, so porno films are serving as the only educator kids can find on sex. Then, guess what? Kids get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and think that is the way to be sexual, romantic or intimate. Well, it doesn’t work that way.

    Don Hilton, the neurologist in the film, explained that viewing porn can create the same chemical reaction as cocaine use—activating endorphins and the delta FosB. “The reason I wanted to include the portion about the brain in the film,” Hunt told writer, Dorri Olds for an exclusive interview published in theFix.com, “was because many try to discredit the idea of an addiction to porn.” He described naysayers who said porn is impossible to define. “An image I think is pornographic may not be to somebody else,” said Hunt, “so I had to come up with a common denominator. For the purpose of this film, the word ‘pornography’ refers to sexual images that cause the chemical reaction in the viewer’s brain.”

    It’s easy to draw parallels to alcohol and drug addiction. Another parallel is what Hunt called the shame cycle. Porn addicts use sexually explicit images to manage their mood. After indulging in the compulsive behavior, they then feel ashamed. That shame creates anxiety, so they watch more porn to calm their nerves. It is the same circular shame spiral that exists in substance abuse.

    Hunt said, “I’ve interviewed people who said, ‘The only way I knew how to stop feeling bad was to look at porn, but the reason I felt so bad was that I’d looked at too much porn.’ My first film, American Meth, was about drug addiction.

    “By the way, Absent wasn’t about James Hetfield—it was about the impact of absent fathers. You can have that father wound and turn it into something positive, like James did with his music. While we were making that movie, we built a friendship based on paternity—or should I say, the fraternity of fatherhood. [Laughs] We talked about our kids, parenting, being husbands, so when I discussed this project with him we both felt it was important to try to make a difference in the world. That’s why he decided to be a part of this and help me out. I commend him because he did this right as the band’s new album was coming out and touring. It’s not like he was sitting around with nothing to do.”

    There have been many movies about porn, but they’ve been about the industry, about adult film stars. Those weren’t about the brain or what Hunt calls the “porn progression.” Another remarkable aspect is that he created the whole movie without any provocative imagery. I asked him if that was intentional to avoid including any possible triggers for pornography addicts.

    “Yes, a big problem with documentaries about porn is that people struggling with that issue can’t watch those films because they become triggered. You can’t make a movie to help people with an addiction, and then fill it full of triggers. That’s like me saying, ‘Dorri, I think you have a drinking problem, let’s go have a beer and talk about it.’”

    The movie is not anti-porn. Hunt calls it “porn informative.” He believes the topic should be more openly talked about. Hunt said, “We’re just letting you know that porn addiction is a real thing and we need to start having conversations about it.”

    Another important issue the film raises is how technology is allowing people to be exposed at an earlier age and at a much higher rate. “We know how it affects the brain and we know that young kids’ brains are not ready for that. They get into public schools and public education, but there is no education on sex or porn so the porno films are serving as the educator. Then, guess what? They get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and it doesn’t work that way.”

    The movie shows one couple whose relationship is being destroyed by the husband’s addiction to porn. Hunt said this could have easily been a seven-hour movie. “There are so many different avenues that we could have gone down,” said Hunt. To fit everything into a movie-length film, Hunt said his goal was to expose people to the idea that kids are learning about intimacy and sexuality from porn. A doctor in the film points out, “Kids are learning about sex from ejaculations to the face. That’s what they’re learning about sex and romance and intimacy.”

    Hunt has three children, 16 and 13, and a three-year-old daughter. I asked if he had broached the topics of drugs, alcohol, and pornography with the two teenagers.

    “Yeah,” said Hunt. “They’ve been with me through the entire process of working on these films, and they’ve been on stage with me and they’ve watched me speak. They’ve watched the newspaper and the magazine articles come out. They’ve gone to radio spots with me, so they’ve seen this. They’ve seen the impact that drug addiction has, and they’ve seen the four-year process of making this film and what porn can do. That’s one of the beautiful side effects of what I do for a living—my kids get to see and learn.”

    It seems his kids are open with him. “My daughter is in eighth grade and she told me that she knows of sixth graders who are texting nude photos of each other back and forth on Snapchat.”

    He pointed out that because of technology, “we’re choosing synthetic relationships over authentic relationships. We’re not seeing the beauty in the people before us because we’re buying into the myth of what we’re seeing on computers and smart phones and movies. That’s just sad because we’re missing out. We’re destroying the essence of women and we’re buying into this imitation beauty.”

    He said 88% of the scenes in porn have aggressive behavior of some kind, physically or verbally. The other thing to consider is how many of these films make people seem like objects. They’re objects for release. That’s all they are. And that’s what kids are learning when they’re watching porn in those formative years.

    Hunt said, “When young people are naturally going to want to learn about sex and relationships and sexuality and intimacy, instead of learning courtship and humanity, they learn a selfishness, a way to just get theirs. One of the guys that I interviewed who didn’t make it into the film, was a juvenile therapist. He said there’s a massive increase in anal sex and oral sex amongst teenagers because of porn. They are mimicking what they see.”

    Another part that had to be cut for length reasons was about a porn-addicted pastor. “We had an entire segment on how prevalent porn has become in the church,” said Hunt. “He was busted because his wife had gone away for the weekend at a time when he was really deep in his addiction. While she was gone he’d spent the entire weekend on the computer looking at porn. She got back when he was in bed reading. She tried to get on the computer but it crashed. When she rebooted it, all these sexual images came up. She said, ‘Hey, can you come here for a second?’ He got out of bed in his underwear and went over to her. She said, ‘What’s this?’ And that’s how he was busted; exposed. He’s standing there in his underwear exposed, at the moment his addiction was exposed.”

    At that point Hunt looked at his watch and said, “We’ve been talking for 36 minutes, right? That’s 120 million searches for porn that have happened since you and I began talking.”

    As our conversation was coming to a close, I asked him who his target audience for the film was. He laughed and said, “I’m going to go with a quote from the movie Argo: ‘People with eyes.’ The average age that people start actively looking for porn is about 10 years old. One in three porn addicts are women, 58% of divorces cite porn as one of the reasons, and 67% of men look at porn once a week at least. It affects the whole human demographic.

    “When you look at someone you can often tell if they’re an alcoholic or a drug addict, but you can’t look at anyone to see if they’re a porn addict. Also, getting back to the topic of the brain, your brain can purge coke when you stop using it. It can purge alcohol. But you can’t purge these pornographic images completely out of your mind.”

    I asked Hunt if he was in recovery from an addiction. “No,” he said, “never done a drug in my life and have never been addicted to anything else either.” So, why did he become interested in addiction? “I saw people facing problems. When we made American Meth, people weren’t talking about the topic all that much. Far Too Far came from what was left over in my brain from making American Meth. I turned it into a narrative that was based on a true story where a woman on meth pulls her ear drum out with pliers because she thinks the FBI is listening to her thoughts. When we made Absent, people weren’t talking about absent fathers like they are now. I hope that my new film will open up a conversation about porn addiction.”

    This article was written by Dorri Olds and was originally published at www.thefix.com on 02/05/17

  • 10 Signs You’re a Sex Addict

    By Brian Whitney

    Reposted from an article published by www.thefix.com in 02/10/15

    Is sex starting to become a real problem for you?

    Take a look at our list for some warning signs you might want to look out for.

    So, you like to have sex. Good for you. Sex is the best. But lately there have been some problems in your life because of your sexual habits. Maybe you really love your wife, but she dumped you after catching you having sex with the babysitter. Perhaps, you were doing great at your job, but you got fired after getting caught in your office beating off to porn. Maybe you’re starting to wonder if you have some sort of a problem. Or maybe, like me, you knew you had a problem all along, and thought the most important thing was to not let anyone ever find out.

    It took me a long time to admit I was a sex addict. It isn’t an easy thing to do. I could deal with being a playboy, a hedonist, maybe even a freak, but a sex addict? Not me. It took about 20 years, two divorces, the loss of jobs and homes before I admitted it.

    When I was in the process of getting my second divorce, I was seeing a therapist. He was cool enough. He was funny. We got each other on a certain level, which sometimes is all you can ask for when you pay someone to talk to you about your problems.

    I got along with him well enough that I decided to do something new: I was going to be honest. This time I wasn’t going to pay someone to sit there and listen to me lie.

    I told him about how I was having affairs, how I couldn’t stop. How everything I did was designed to either get me laid or indulge my kinks, and my kinks were getting more extreme by the day. No matter what went on in my life, no matter how fucked up it got, no matter what I lost it didn’t matter; I couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t, stop. The most important thing to me in the world, by far, was sex and all the adrenaline and anxiety that came with it.

    I told him what had been going on. First, I lost my job because I was having affairs with so many people at work. Then, my wife tossed me out of the house because I was screwing around with so many people at places outside of work. I wound up living with a woman that I couldn’t stand, but that would do anything I wanted sexually, no matter how deviant my demands were—I was cheating on her, too.

    When I got done relating what my wreck of a life was all about, he looked at me and said, “Well the thing is, most guys would want to do what you do. I mean, what guy wouldn’t?” My misery was this guy’s fantasy—it wasn’t the first time.

    That is the thing about sex. If you’re getting a lot of it, you don’t have a problem, right?  I mean seriously, you’re getting laid all the time and complaining about it?

    So many people get all worked up about the sex addict thing. “How can anyone be addicted to sex?” Don’t get hooked on semantics. Who cares what you call your problem? I don’t. Call it sexual compulsion if it makes you feel better. By acting out with sex, you are dosing your brain with dopamine and other chemicals that excite, distract, and otherwise cover up the underlying distress or emptiness that is making you suffer.

    Below is a list of 10 signs that could mean you are a sex addict. I did all 10 of the things on this list in all of my relationships. I was often accused by women of being a selfish, lying asshole, or a total freak, and I was both of those things, but no one ever asked me if I might actually have a problem.

    I write this list as a heterosexual man, though, this can also apply to women and LGBT individuals.

    If you have none of the things on the list, good job. Go screw with impunity. If you have between one and three of these, check yourself and figure out what is going on, if you have more than three, you need to find someone to talk to, and you should probably do it soon.

    You live a double life

    This one is tricky. Maybe you just cheat all the time, and lie about where you are, and how you spend your money. That, in itself, doesn’t make you an addict. But, if you have sexual secrets that you refuse to share with anyone, or if somehow you figure out ways to spend Christmas with two different women (done it) then something is way, way off. Sex and your sexual proclivities are private, but if your whole life is going to go down the tubes if people know what you are REALLY up to, and you have to lie to everyone constantly just to stay afloat, then you have at least the beginnings of a problem.

    You exploit others for sex

    You’re probably a good guy. You are kind to kids and animals, you cried when you watched The Lion King. When your girlfriend talks about her feelings you listen—I mean you really do.

    But when it comes to sex, you could care less about people. They are just objects to use to get off, or toys to play with. You don’t care what happens to them when you are done with them, and you will do anything to get them to do what you want.

    Your life is constantly in crisis

    Because sex is your number one priority, everything else is always totally messed up. When you are at work, you spend the majority of your time trying to get your boss to fuck you, once you succeed, you try to get that cute temp to meet you out for drinks. Once you start banging her, you try for the woman in the cubicle across from yours.

    If you manage to stay employed, you are constantly broke, and you get two credit cards your wife doesn’t know about so you can keep up the appearances you need to with your girlfriends.

    Everything from school, to work, to money, is secondary to feeding your addiction.

    You’re preoccupied with sex

    I don’t mean this in a “Wow, look at that chick’s ass!” kind of way. I mean, you can’t concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes without going back into your place of fantasy. Or if you aren’t fantasizing, you are planning your next move. And if you aren’t planning your next move, you are having sex. Which then makes you feel ashamed, so to combat that you go right back into fantasy.

    You have sex without regard to potential consequences

    You’re out of control. Your wife is upstairs and you are banging her best friend on the couch. It isn’t enough to have sex with a co-worker; you have to do it on your boss’s desk. You just spent your mortgage payment at the strip club, or you just gave your credit card number to your dominatrix.

    If you are doing things that are going to screw you over in the future, and you KNOW they are going to screw you over in the future, then your sex life has crossed the line and is now officially a problem.

    Your kink needs to be fed more and more

    Some people are into some odd stuff, some aren’t. There is a myriad of different things that people do to get off with, and whether or not you like to be tied up, or walk your girlfriend on a leash isn’t the issue. What is the issue, is if the kink you have becomes your whole scene, and you need to go deeper and deeper into the world to get off? What can start off as fun, can wind up as something deeply destructive down the road.

    You masturbate all the time

    And I do mean all the time. You do it in the morning, you do it on your lunch break, and you do it before you go to sleep. I would sometimes even masturbate right after sex—with my partner passed out next to me. It’s just a sign that there are some issues, not a judgment. Do what you do. But if you have some of these other signs and you are beating off 20 to 30 times a week, then you’re a sex addict.

    Your relationships are always messed up

    The key word here is “always.” I always knew my relationships would end because I did something insane related to sex. It was just a matter of time before I would do something totally off the charts, get caught at it, and have to move on. It wasn’t like I learned a lesson. It was a lifestyle. This isn’t “Oh, I got caught cheating and my girlfriend dumped me.” It is that you are always cheating; you know you’re going to get caught, and you can’t stop.

    You feel powerless

    You can’t stop acting out. You try to stop, but you lose everything. Little by little, you lose everything. You keep on going until it’s all gone, until you are lying in a corner in the fetal position, until you feel like dying. Try not to get here. Go talk to someone you trust.

    You hate yourself

    Who knows, you could always be a sociopath. But, if you aren’t, and you are going through life hurting other people and destroying yourself, you are going to start disliking yourself quite a bit. I know I did. And the worst part—I was so sure, so entirely sure, that if I told anyone who I was, and the things that I did, they would hate me, too.

    If after reading this you think you might be a sex addict, talk to someone you trust. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a professional. It isn’t easy to get help, unless you live in an urban area, you aren’t going to find someone that has any sort of specialization in it. But that isn’t a reason, or an excuse, to keep acting this way.

    Brian Whitney is an author, a ghostwriter, and a frequent contributor to theFix.com. His book Raping the Gods was published in the Spring of 2015.

     

  • Lions, Tigers, Bears and the Yellow Brick Road to Recovery

    This is a guest post by Steve Devlin, a recovery coach from Philadelphia PA, and a long time friend. I chose to post this over the Holiday weekend, because it brings me such joy, and brings back wonderful memories of watching the Wizard of Oz on TV during the 60’s. Thank-you Steve, and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.

    Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz.  Some of you might be looking at your computer and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I beg for your patience and to hear me out.  First a caveat or two.  I represent only myself in this message.  The second caveat is this message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting.  The person who said it gave me permission to use it.  So here we go!

    We all know the Serenity Prayer.  “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange place, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard.  On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.

    So what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery?  We cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far, we are swept up in the tornado (or drug of our choice).  Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes we land in a new brightly-colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery.  Yet our own work is just beginning.  There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety.  We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone.  There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness.  However, as we follow the path we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others.  A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance.

    The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears.  It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends.  It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.

    Finally, there is wisdom, which gives us the ability to see choices in our lives and to know what we can and cannot change.  After long periods of feeling tied up like a scarecrow on a post, we are set free to walk a brick road of new life.  Of course, finding these three companions to fight back addiction is only part of the story and the Emerald City is not the ultimate destination.  Our companions bring us to the shining light of recovery, but we must take the gifts back home and use them in our daily lives outside of the rooms.

    I wish recovery was as easy as clicking our heals together.  Finding our way home takes work but with heart, courage, and wisdom we can overcome all the flying monkeys and stay out of the way of tornadoes.  We also learn that the greatest companion of recovery is gratitude which was always just in our own backyard.

    Question: Who are your companions on the brick road?

  • What is a recovery coach?

    What is a recovery coach, a peer recovery support specialist or a professional recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this post, I hope to help define for those interested in becoming a recovery coach what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches.

    If you are reading this post to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey.

    Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this blog, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is very broad. If you want more specific training, one can add certification for treating co-occurring disorders, the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, certification coaching individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include training for individuals that want to supervise other recovery coaches, or an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching.

    A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches often escort a client home from a treatment center insuring they do not relapse in the first 30 days after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents.

    Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own business. They will visit clients or call them over the phone or use SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator, maintaining a web site or will seek referrals from therapists. These coaches meet face to face with the client weekly and will work with them over the phone or face to face on a regular basis. The client is billed directly for the coaching services.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$20 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than four years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Healthcare Act and the newest legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts , recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

  • Getting through the tough times

    As a recovery coach, I often see my clients need help getting through the tough times, without using, picking up or acting out. Recently, I personally encountered some rough patches in my life, so, I went to my library of recovery books. Several years ago, when I was experiencing trouble living life on life’s terms, I became an avid reader of Pema Chodron.

    Pema Chodron Celebrates her 80th Year

    Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun, she was born in 1936, in New York City, and is celebrating her 80th year. After a divorce, in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Buddhist teacher Lama Chime Rinpoche, and she studied with him for several years. She became a novice Buddhist nun in 1974. Pema moved to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia in 1984, ­­­to be the director of Gampo Abbey and worked to establish a place to teach the Buddhist monastic traditions (waking before sunrise, chanting scriptures, daily chores, communal meals and providing blessings for the laity). In Nova Scotia and through the Chodron Foundation, she works with others, sharing her ideas and teachings. She has written several books, and in my time of deep spiritual need, I went to her book “When Things Fall Apart”.

    A Compassionate Tool

    Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives helped me. There is not only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches several approaches that involve moving toward the painful situation and relaxing us to realize the essential groundlessness of our situation. It is in this book, I discovered a simple breathing exercise, I can use during these chaotic times so I can move into a better space. Pema advocates this tool as a breathing exercise, although this exercise could also be considered a mindful meditation.

    I use Chodron’s tool whenever and wherever life hits me below the belt. I share this tool with my clients. It is all about breathing and consciously repeating words to yourself to accompany the breathing. Since we breathe every day, it is indiscernible whether you are using this tool as you travel on the bus commuting home from work, in a conference room with your boss, or when you are feeling low and want to curl up in a ball and die.

    Breathe

    Breathe. Pema explains in her book, when things get way too complicated; step back and breathe. When the force of the world, the politics of the U.S., Great Britain or Italy start weighing heavily on your mind, breathe. When you look at all the pain around you and feel powerless to do anything, breathe.

    Pema explains, inhale and say silently to yourself breathe in the pain, then exhale and say breathe out relief. Then, inhale, and say silently to yourself breathe in the relief, and exhale and say breathe out the pain. I find I need about 15 minutes of conscious breathing, breathing in the pain and breathing out relief, works for me. After doing this, I find I have new energy or something else crosses my path to move me into a more uplifting space.

    Chodron’s exercise places me in a space I need to be. If I continue to be in that “negative space” of worry or feeling powerless, then absolutely nothing will be accomplished that day. I know we all have something to accomplish every day, whether it is just getting out of bed, taking a shower and brushing our teeth or running a Fortune 500 company, this exercise gets us from zero to ten in fifteen minutes. It is the boost we need.

     So, I invite you to try this simple exercise…and remember…keep breathing

     

  • A new ER resource – recovery coaches

    manhattan_bridgeIn Rhode Island, more than 1,000 addicts have been brought from the edge of death due to an opioid overdose, thanks to first-responders and emergency room workers using the new lifesaving drugs Narcan and Naloxone. When patients are overdosing, first-responders or ER nurses administer these new drugs, which reverse an opioid overdose. The ER staff members use it so often it’s become a verb, as in: “we Narcaned him.”

    In 2015, a pilot program to train law enforcement officers to use Narcan and Naloxone prefilled syringes or nasal spray was started in the New Jersey counties of Monmouth and Ocean. It has been successful in reversing over 400 potentially fatal overdoses. Narcan kits are now available in police cars, ambulances, public transportation centers and even at your local CVS. But the growing number of overdoses has stretched the emergency room doctors and nurses to a breaking point.

    When Narcan patients come to the ER, they can be angry and disorientated, when upon waking they find their high is gone. Emergency rooms are handling a lot of overdose patients, and the work can be frustrating. These patients are combative, upset, demeaning, often yelling or physically acting out. ER personnel, not trained in detox reactions, are perplexed. They are being pulled away from the people who have more medically-critical needs.

    In a relatively short period of time, Naloxone and Narcan are emerging as very one-dimensional treatments. They are lifesavers, but don’t treat the real problem that brings the patient into the emergency room. Another similar one-dimensional treatment is using a defibrillator for a heart attack, it saves the life but it doesn’t treat the heart disease. Using Narcan does not treat the disease of addiction.

    As a result, emergency room physicians, first-responders and treatment experts across the country say the same thing, without a mechanism to connect the overdose patients to addiction services, Narcan and Naloxone only create a revolving door in emergency rooms. Some addicts have returned from the edge of death four and five times, thanks to Narcan injections or nasal sprays.

    In Rhode Island’s hospitals, and in hospitals throughout New Hampshire and New Jersey, ER doctors have called on a relatively new resource to help: the recovery coach. These coaches are not ER employees but are part of a new plan to assist ER personnel in dealing with the detoxing victims of an opioid overdose. These recovery coaches work with the detoxing patients, allowing the ER staff to continue with their tasks of treating others that come into an emergency room. These recovery coaches are peers, many of them former addicts trained to work with an overdose patient coming down from the opioid. These coaches are trained to move the patients into long-term treatment programs for their drug addiction.

    “The goal of the LifelineED program is to get individuals who were Narcaned into detox and treatment,” says Sharon Chapman, program supervisor of the LifelineED program at Center for Family Services in Voorhees, NJ. “Our Recovery Coaches and Patient Navigators work with each individual to help get them into a treatment facility. It’s important for these patients to know they’re not alone, we offer support to help the patients and their families as they go through the recovery journey.”

    These recovery coaches offer peer-to-peer support. There’s nothing like being approached by another recovering drug addict who can help you in your time of need, who knows exactly what you’re going through at that moment. Often, they use information and resources that the hospital staff might not have, such as a list of treatment programs, how to go through the intake process, as well as spending time to educate addicts’ families about the treatment process and how to recognize early signs of the addiction. Of course, the patient decides whether they will take part in treatment, but willingness is the strongest when the patient realizes they just have been given a new “lease on life.” Emergency staff acknowledge it’s helpful to have recovery coaches who can spend time with a patient, and can begin moving them into treatment. These coaches know the recovery terrain better than the ER nurses and physicians. Patients have the option to go to a treatment center, or if they choose to go home, they take the recovery coach’s number with them. The recovery coach or the patient navigator will follow up with them, and assists in helping the patient take the next steps towards recovery. Overdose victims are willing to let recovery coaches into their homes to talk about the program immediately after their overdose. Some need time to come to the realization that if they don’t accept the offer of treatment, there may not be another opportunity. Finding the time for a home visit is something that the ER staff could never do.

    Funding for these ER Recovery Coaching programs is popping up all over the United States, since President Obama and Michael Botticelli, the Director of National Drug Control policy, have requested over $1 billion dollars to be placed into the 2017 budget to fight this growing opioid epidemic. This funding request surpasses the $400 million amount Obama signed for in the 2016 budget, which was a jump of $100 million over the 2014 budget, all in hopes of addressing this harrowing epidemic, which has ravaged communities in all corners of the U.S.

    If you are interested in learning more about working in an ER room as a recovery coach, here are some resources:

    Providence Center-AnchorED

    Holly Fitting

    Phone: (401) 528-0123 / Email: hfitting@provcntr.org

    528 North Main Street,

    Providence, RI 02904

    https://providencecenter.org/services/crisis-emergency-care/anchored

    Attn: Melissa Silvey

    311 Route 108,

    Somersworth, NH 03878

    Phone: (603) 516-2562 / Email: info@onevoicenh.org

    Sharon Chapman, Program Supervisor

    108 Somerdale Rd,

    Voorhees NJ 08043

    http://www.centerffs.org/programs/lifelineed

    Phone: (856) 428-5699 x116 / Email: lifelineED@centerffs.org

    Attn.: Michael Santillo

    16 Spring Street

    Paterson, NJ 07501

    Phone: (973) 754-6784

    http://evasvillage.org/recovery-center.shtml

    • Barnabas Health Opioid Overdose Recovery Program

    Phone: (732) 914-3815

    1691 U.S. 9, Toms River, NJ 08754

  • Is Recovery Coaching Effective?

    Is Recovery Coaching Effective?

    manhattan_bridgeTreatment professionals and researchers are calling for a change in the treatment model for substance use disorders (SUD). This change calls for shedding the acute care model (28 days of SUD treatment will fix you) to a continuum of care models, similar to how chronic diseases like diabetes or arthritis are treated. (Humphreys & Tucker, 2002; Institute of Medicine, 2005; McLellan et al., 2000; White, Boyle, Loveland, & Corrington, 2005).

    At the same time, the mental health and the substance abuse treatment fields have merged, creating the behavioral health field. With this merger, the recovery-oriented systems of care model (ROSC) has become the accepted approach to treatment for those with mental and substance use disorders. This holistic approach, rather than focusing on the addiction, considers the whole person and how they interact in real life. ROSC emphasizes that recovery depends on the connection of mind, body, and spirit, motivating addicts to choose to improve their mental health, their physical health, and to embrace a spiritual component of their recovery (SAMHSA, 2011). This multi-system approach has ROSC counselors encouraging visits to the general practitioner, the OBGyn and the dentist. They assess for co-occurring disorders and embrace one-on-one therapeutic treatment and group therapy. And ROSC practitioners embrace mutual support programs, such as AA, NA or even nontraditional mutual support groups like SOS, or Women for Sobriety. A spiritual program is also encouraged. Lastly, the newest introduction to the treatment field is the recovery coach.

    As mental health and addiction treatment services are adopting this recovery-oriented approach, the emphasis on incorporating various forms of recovery coaching or peer-based recovery support into treatment services is growing rapidly. Peer-based recovery support services are defined as

    “the process of giving and receiving nonprofessional, nonclinical assistance to achieve long-term recovery from mental health and substance use disorders” (Borkman, 1999)

    This support is provided by “peers,” “peer-recovery support specialists,” “recovery coaches,” “peer mentors,” or “peer support specialists” who have lived and experienced personal recovery (Borkman, 1999). The peers assist others in initiating, maintaining and embracing recovery from their mental health or substance use disorders.

    As recovery coaches and peers begin to infiltrate treatment centers and recovery support, community organizations, there is a needling question that arises: are recovery coaches effective in the recovery process?

    Studies have been completed on the effectiveness of recovery coaches aiding in individuals achieving long-term recovery since 2005. Many were small studies, some were not exactly scientific, nor could other studies stand up to researcher’s scrutiny. None of the studies had the critical mass to come to a clear conclusion. Ellen L. Bassuk, M.D., Justine Hanson, Ph.D., R. Neil Greene, M.A., Molly Richard, B.A., and Alexandre Laudet, PhD began examining the 1,221 studies that analyze the effectiveness of peer-delivered, recovery support services for individuals in recovery. They wrote a systematic review called Peer Delivered Recovery Support Services for Addictions in the United States: A Systematic Review.

    This compilation of all the current studies is to create an appraisal, and summarization of the success of peer-delivered, recovery support services, using strict scientific criteria. As part of their review process, the 1,221 studies were screened, but only nine studies were deemed to meet the strict review requirements.

    The nine studies examined the effectiveness of recovery support services that were delivered by a peer using a wide range of interventions and models. These studies also examined the variety of locations that offered peer support, including peer-run, drop-in centers (Ja et al., 2009), peer-run, recovery community organizations (Kamon & Turner, 2013), and Veteran’s Administration medical outpatient clinics (Bernstein et al., 2005).

    This review showed peer-delivered recovery support services accomplished the following successful outcomes:

    1. Decreased alcohol use
    2. Decreased drinking to intoxication by reducing the odds of drinking to intoxication by 2.9 percent (Smelson et al. 2013)
    3. Peer participation lowered re-hospitalization rates, meaning only 62 percent of participants from the peer based support group were re-hospitalized compared to 73 percent of those not receiving peer based support (Min et al. (2007)
    4. Increased post-discharge sobriety time was achieved by the individuals receiving the peer intervention (O’Connell et al. 2014)
    5. If peers led groups in life-skills training, those participants had 14.8 fewer days drinking
    6. Peer recovery support affected those discharged from inpatient treatment by maintaining a post-discharge sobriety rate of 43 percent to 48 percent as compared to 33 percent sobriety for those not receiving peer based support (Tracy et al. 2011)

    Overall, the review of these studies indicate that peers involved in recovery support interventions have beneficial effects on participants. While the reviewers can conclude that there is evidence supporting the effectiveness of peer-delivered, recovery support services, they acknowledge that additional research is necessary to determine the usefulness of peer support services. While this knowledge is encouraging, research in this area is just emerging, and there is a strong need to improve outcomes by completing future studies.


    References

    1. Humphreys, K., & Tucker, J. (2002). Toward more responsive and effective intervention systems for alcohol-related problems. Addiction, 97(2), 126–132.
    2. Institute of Medicine (2005). Improving the quality of health care for mental and substance use conditions. Washington, DC: National Academy Press.
    3. McLellan, A. T., Lewis, D. C., O’Brien, C. P., & Kleber, H. D. (2000). Drug dependence, a chronic medical illness: Implications for treatment, insurance, and outcomes evaluation. JAMA, 284(13), 1689–1695.
    4. White, W., Boyle, M., Loveland, D., & Corrington, P. (2005). What is behavioral health recovery management? A brief primer. (Retrieved from www.addictionmanagement.org/recovery%20management.pdf).
    5. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) (2011). SAMHSA’s Working Definition of Recovery. (Retrieved from http://www.samhsa.gov/recovery/).
    6. Borkman, T. (1999). Understanding self-help/mutual aid: Experiential learning in the commons. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press
    7. Borkman, T. (1999). Understanding self-help/mutual aid: Experiential learning in the commons. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press
    8. Ja, D. Y., Gee, M., Savolainen, J.,Wu, S., & Forghani, S. (2009). Peers Reaching Out Supporting Peers to Embrace Recovery (PROPSPER): A final evaluation report. San Francisco, CA: DYJ, Inc. for Walden House, Inc. and the Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (Retrieved from http://www.dyja./com/sites/default/files/u24/PROSPER%20Final%20Evaluation%20Report.pdf).
    9. Kamon, J., & Turner,W. (2013). Recovery coaching in recovery centers: What the initial data suggest: A brief report from the Vermont Recovery Network. Montpelier, Vermont Evidence-Based Solutions (Retrieved form https://vtrecoverynetwork.org/PDF/VRN_RC_eval_report.pdf).
    10. Bernstein, E., Bernstein, J., Tassiopoulos, K., Heeren, T., Levenson, S., & Hingson, R. (2005). Brief motivational intervention at a clinic visit reduces cocaine and heroin use. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 77, 49–59
    11. Smelson, D. A., Kline, A., Kuhn, J., Rodrigues, S., O’Connor, K., Fisher, W. Kane, V. (2013). A wraparound treatment engagement intervention for homeless veterans with co-occurring disorders. Psychological Services, 10(2), 161–167.
    12. Min, S. Y., Whitecraft, E., Rothbard, A. B., & Salzer, M. S. (2007). Peer support for persons with co-occurring disorders and community tenure: A survival analysis. Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 30(3), 207–213. http://dx.doi.org/10.2975/30.3.2007.207.213.
    13. O’Connell, M. J., Flanagan, E., Delphin, M., & Davidson, L. (2014). Enhancing outcomes for persons with co-occurring disorders through skills training and peer recovery supports. Unpublished manuscript.
    14. Tracy, K., Burton, M., Nich, C., & Rounsaville, B. (2011). Utilizing peer mentorship to engage high recidivism substance-abusing patients in treatment. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 37(6), 525–531
  • Recovery Coach Training Organizations – Free Listing

    adultlearnersDoes your organization want a free listing for your recovery coaching certification training? Every year this website updates the list of over 300 agencies, organizations and schools that offer certification training for recovery coaches working with people in recovery from addictions. This list receives over 45,000 hits a year. Please fill in the comment section below if you offer certification in recovery coaching, and your organization will be presented in this free listing.

    Provide all of the pertinent information: institution name, address, email, web site, the person in charge of the training registration and their phone number, date of training and costs. Clarify that this training is for recovery coaches working in the addictions field. This listing is free.

    You can fill out the comment section below or send an email to: melissakilleen@mkrecoverycoaching.com

  • Why Can’t You Do the Dishes? Part 2

    This week’s guest blogger, Jeff Garson from Radical Decency Group, shares with us a very common example of a partner/spouse/husband/wife interaction. A husband and wife are about to leave for work and his wife, looking at a sink filled with breakfast dishes, says, “Why can’t you do the dishes?” A fight ensues.

    What could have happened is an honest, problem solving discussion; that is, mutual and authentic exchange. Instead, the typical outcome is a cycle of escalating attacks and counter-attacks.

    As a child of our fight or flight culture, the wife, ever vigilant to the possibility of attack, sees the dirty dishes as evidence of danger: That her needs are being ignored; that love is being withdrawn. With her fight or flight physiology activated, her words seek to deal with the perceived source of the attack: Her husband, evidenced by his past behaviors including, very particularly, the choices he’s made in the run-up to this current interaction.

    The husband is equally focused on the immediate past; moving into defense mode; judging and criticizing the words that just came out of her mouth. Why? Because in his culturally reinforced, overly vigilant state, he also feels under attack: Unappreciated, devalued, unloved.

    What is so sad in all of this is that there is nothing to defend – on either side. As a functioning couple, they have each put enormous amounts of time and energy into the relationship and are vitally invested in seeing it continue. Beneath the bickering is a vast reservoir of trust and love. So, the perceived attacker isn’t a source of danger at all. He/she is, instead, the other partner’s staunchest ally in life.

    Given this reality, the couple would be better served by focusing, not on illusory dangers from the recent past, but instead on the near future. Why? Because they each want to increase the love flowing back and forth between them, and the best way to do that is to focus on what they do next, rather than picking apart choices already made.

    Here’s how it would work.

    The wife wants to be loved in a specific way – by coming home to a clean kitchen. So she would ask for what she longs for: “Honey, it makes me feel great when you do the dishes before you leave in the morning.”

    Now, he is set up for a positive, loving response (“sure, I’ll do my best to do it”) rather than a defensive counter-attack (“I am not a bad person for forgetting to do the dishes this morning”). Alternatively, he might acknowledge her desire but say, “My mornings are really tight. Taking time to do the dishes is tough.”

    Importantly note this; that if this second alternative is his authentic response, the couple is still set up for a positive outcome. With defensiveness eliminated and the needs of both partners on the table – hers, for a completed chore (and a concrete expression of love); his, for a routine that accounts for the pressures he feels – creative problem solving can flow from the common goal, shared by both partners: How can I best meet my needs AND the needs of this partner I dearly love?

    A similar transaction can also be initiated from the husband’s end of the conversation. Instead of rising to the bait of her nascent reactivity ( “why can’t you do the dishes”) with a counter-attack, he can thank (yes, thank!) his wife for raising the issue. Why? Because he now has a more vivid roadmap for loving her. And in this frame of mind, he will be able, once again, to move toward a forward-looking outcome that attends, with equal attentiveness, to his needs and hers.

    While this different way of treating our intimate partner may seem a little unusual and strange, it is only because we are so relentlessly pushed toward very different ways of thinking, feeling and acting. The sad reality is that these more loving techniques are seldom taught and find precious little reinforcement in our culture.

    Hopefully, this post has introduced some healing correctives in your intimate relationships – and in all other areas of living as well.

    Jeff Garson, a Philadelphia based psycho -therapist and attorney, is the originator of Radical Decency and his weekly blog called Reflections.   If you want to contact Jeff or the Decency Group, or if you want to be added to the Reflections e-mailing list, contact Jeff at info@thedecencygroup.com.

    The Reflections, published weekly by The Decency Group, explore the philosophy’s application in all areas of living — from the most private and personal to the most public and political. Earlier Reflections are available at www.radcialdecency.com.

  • Why can’t you do the dishes?

    Guest blogger Jeff Garson from Radical Decency Group shares with us a very common example of a partner or spouse interaction. A husband and wife are about to leave for work and his wife, looking at a sink filled with breakfast dishes, says, “Why can’t you do the dishes?” His response: “Look, I have a really busy morning. I usually do them. Give me a break.”

    What happens next?

    A disagreement and argument.

    Jeff asks “Is our approach to living – are our habits of thinking, doing or saying allowing us, in every interaction, to express our needs in constructive ways and, equally, to hear the needs of others?” Jeff, a therapist and attorney from Philadelphia states we are innately, empathic beings, however, we need some skills that will allow us to more easily and instinctively move toward some more empathetic choices in our interactions.

    In this week’s post, Jeff helps us out with some new choices:

    The formulation sounds simple. But as I have discovered in my work as a psychotherapist and coach, and in my own relationships, its application is frustratingly difficult. The reason? Because, when disagreements arise, we are culturally wired to lapse into the fight or flight ways of being, or the culture’s “compete and win, dominate and control” mindset that has so deeply engrained in our habitual ways of being in the world.

    In this post, I work through one very common example of this phenomenon. A husband is about to leave for work and his wife, looking at a sink filled with breakfast dishes, says, “Why can’t you do the dishes?”

    Even assuming a relatively restrained tone in the “music” of these communications, their fight/flight motivation is unmistakable. Both partners remember the past hurts and will mix it with what just happened, the dirty dishes. Now they are locked into judgment mode; a hallmark of fight or flight mindsets.

    The wife, thinking her words were relatively neutral words, doesn’t realize they are words of judgment and attack: You didn’t do something – something you were supposed to do – and (by reasonable inference) something you all too frequently fail to do.

    nAnd how does the husband respond? Equally focused on the past, he counterattacks. Instead of dealing with the merits of the issue – who should do the dishes and when – a response that would invite further dialogue – he seeks to disqualify his wife’s position: You are wrong on the facts AND emotionally out of line in even raising the issue (“give me a break”).

    What very often happens next is – each person, being subtly attacked, feels disconnected and sore. But the interaction is, in their minds, too minor to be worthy of further discussion. Better to absorb the pain and head to work.

    What could have happened is an honest, problem solving discussion; that is, mutual and authentic exchange. Instead, the couple chooses to get into it, and the far more typical outcome is a cycle of escalating attacks and counter-attacks.

    Her: “You’re always have an excuse!”

    Him: “You never stop complaining, get off my back!!”

    And round and round it goes, until one or both of them goes cold and withdraws; that is, retreats into the flight part of fight or flight. They both go to work; mad.

    When it comes to our romantic partner, most of us have some sense of how to charm and seduce; an unsurprising fact given the endless stream of books, movies, and ads that promote and teach these ways of interacting. And yet, at the same time, we have little guidance in the art of lovingly engaging with our partner at our points of sensitive difference – even though much of the hard work of relationship needs to be done in precisely these small moments.

    So why does this strange dichotomy exist? Why do we, as a culture, neglect this vital relational skill even as we celebrate and promote romantic seduction? Because “charm and seduce” – a wonderful gift, when done with judgment and respect – is also entirely consistent with our culture’s predominant values. In this all too typical version, seduction is an effort, through a series of manipulative moves, to get our partner to feel and act in specific ways; ways that very much suit our purposes – but not necessarily theirs.

    By contrast, a loving engagement with our partner in tense times is the antithesis of this competitive/manipulative mindset. For this reason, the predominant culture has an unacknowledged but powerful interest in minimizing this skill; an interest unerringly reflected in the marginal attention it receives in popular culture.

    Thus, one of the key challenges, implicit in my approach to living is to learn to fight well, weaning ourselves from our current fight or flight ways, replacing them with more mutual and authentic ways of interacting.

    What would that look like? Check out my next post next week.

    Jeff Garson, a psycho -therapist and attorney, is the originator of Radical Decency and his weekly blog called Reflections.

    You can contact Jeff at: wjgarson@thedecencygroup.com or the Decency Group, if you want to be added to the Reflections e-mailing list, at info@thedecencygroup.com.

    The Reflections, published weekly by The Decency Group, explore the philosophy’s application in all areas of living — from the most private and personal to the most public and political. Earlier Reflections blogs are available at www.radcialdecency.com.

  • I am most vulnerable when I am naked

     

    As a recovery coach, I approach my clients as a peer, as someone who has gone through the slings and arrows of addiction and emerged on the other side, in recovery and sober from drugs, alcohol and some behavioral addictions. As a peer I have the experiential knowledge to help my clients walk the pathway to recovery.

    However, there are some clients, I do not seek to help. These clients are the ones that identify as having eating disorders. That is because (I have to be truthful here) I struggle with disordered eating. I am an overeater. Carbohydrates, dairy and processed sugars are my heroin and I have not overcome this addiction.

    I also spent my formative years, in fact up from age one until well into my thirties, in the grips of body dysmorphia. In Wikipedia, body dysmorphia is defined as Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), also known dysmorphic syndrome, a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one’s own appearance, is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it. I saw myself as a fat person. When I looked in the mirror I saw a person three or more dress sizes larger than I really was. I thought I was fat, when all along I was a person with a normal sized body.

    What’s Underneath Project

    This blog will not go into my years of body dysmorphia, but on a recent awakening: how to accept me as I am. Just last week, I was viewing a www.thefix.com article on Tallulah Willis, Bruce Willis’ and Demi Moore’s daughter and her recent stay in a treatment center. There was a link to a video of Tallulah that I clicked on. I was introduced to a whole new way of seeing myself, through the “What’s Underneath Project”.

    Seven years ago, Elisa Goodkind, a veteran fashion stylist, and her daughter, Lily Mandelbaum, a former film student, created StyleLikeU as an alternative to the fashion culture’s crippling status quo. Launched in 2009, StyleLikeU is home to a series of intimate video portraits that redefine our culture’s notion of beauty, called the What’s Underneath Project. These simple videos, show unapologetic individuals who are true to themselves in both their style and in their lives. Individuals, gay, straight, recovering from breast cancer or transitioning to their true gender, exude confidence in their own skin. And the viewers are empowered to discover this same sense of confidence and beauty can be their own.

    As I was browsing through the videos, and I clicked on Olivia Campbell’s (a well-known British plus style model) video. I cried when I listened to her journey through bullying and sexual abuse. I came to the realization that I am still beautiful, even though I am over sixty, thanks to Jacky O’Shaughnessy’s video. I was transfixed that her story, was exactly my story, one of poor body image and how it affects my relationships. Jacky’s statement saying she feels the most vulnerable when she is naked in front of a man, and she feels the most beautiful when she is naked in front of a man, was so honest. Because underneath it all, I felt the same thing.

    A Viral Phenomenon

    The What’s Underneath Project strips everyday people and celebrity’s down to their bra and panties to open them up, exploring the power of genuine self-acceptance as they undress. Since its launch in 2014, the response has been monumental. The videos went viral, and has received over 9 million YouTube hits, international press, and fan-mail floods in from people wanting to help, donate funds and participate. The What’s Underneath Project has produced 70 plus videos, ranging from 5 to 15 minutes in length, and has posted them on YouTube.

    In November 2014, the What’s Underneath Project launched a Kickstarter campaign to support the production of a documentary film that will capture this viral video series. The campaign was a wild success and in just 18 days, exceeded the initial goal of $100k. By the end of the month-long campaign, the What’s Underneath Project raised a total of $135,655. The upcoming documentary film is in production and the What’s Underneath Project documentary film will be released in the Spring of 2017.

    The What’s Underneath Project is on the road to becoming a global movement for self-acceptance.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 4

     innocence-en-dangerHow can you protect yourself from a Catfisher or an online predator?

    Why do they do what they do? Catfishers want something from you. These are people that are not motivated by love, but are driven by money, perverse sexual desires and criminal intent.

    • Money is usually the first thing predators want from adult contacts
    • They want to win you over and manipulate you, so you begin to desire them in a sexual way and that means you will begin to trust them
    • They will use your photographs and distribute them to other online predators, they will re-post the pictures online in sexual forums or just enjoy your photographs themselves, privately
    • They want to have conversations with you, texting or otherwise, in order to get sexually aroused during the conversation
    • Any of the above contacts will enable these predators to black-mail, extort or rape you

    Scary Stats

    There are some scary statistics on Catfishers or online predators.

    • An estimated 725,000 people are aggressively pursued online for sex or extortion annually in the US
    • In 2005 alone, 25% percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims
    • In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers”
    • Reports say victims of these romance scams have lost over fifty million dollars—however authorities know this figure is much higher because many victims are too embarrassed to report the incidents
    • Every 2 minutes a person in America is sexually assaulted
    • 1 out of 4 children in the U.S. have been sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex by an online predator
    • Each year Internet predators commit over 16,000 abductions, over 100 murders, and thousands of rapes
    • Over 39,000 verified Registered Sex Offenders have profiles on social media sites
    • 1 out of 5 kids have been solicited for sex on the Internet
    • 1 out of 4 kids have been contacted online by a person not representing themselves in a true or accurate way
    • Only 25% of kids tell parents or adults about any online encounters
    • 77% of the time, the targets for online predators are usually in the 11-14 year-old-age range
    • 25% of children that were surveyed were exposed to unwanted pornographic material

    Dating Safety Tips

    Online dating often leads to offline dates, which may end up as a successful relationship. However, before you meet someone in person, take all the time you need to get well-acquainted with this person, so there is hopefully nothing to worry about when you meet face-to-face. Sexual assault on a date is definitely not an everyday occurrence, nonetheless, you need to ensure your personal safety when planning to meet someone for a first date. Take the time to really get to know a person and dangerous incidents are less likely to occur.

    The predators need to be exposed, if you or anyone you know has been contacted by an online predator or has received unwanted solicitation from someone online, call the police and notify the social networking site on which the contact was made.

    • NEVER give out your personal information or home address online, even giving out the town you live in can reveal too much information to a predator
    • Don’t reply to social media messages from people you don’t know
    • NEVER meet face-to-face with someone you have just met online, give yourself and the contact at least 3 weeks to get to know each other before a face-to-face is planned
    • Never download image files from an unknown source, they could contain sexually explicit images that could put you in a compromising legal situation
    • Avoid chat rooms or discussion forums that are sexually proactive
    • If you receive uncomfortable or frightening material, end the communication, block the person from contacting you and report them to the dating site or the social networking site
    • If you receive an unwanted solicitation call 911, contact the dating site or the social networking site and report the perpetrator immediately

    Sexual assault and date rape are definitely not common occurrences when meeting an online date. Read and follow the safety advice for first date meetings that have been outlined on your online dating site, so you are well-prepared. In addition, here are some of tips that will be useful too.

    • Always take the time to get well-acquainted with someone before you plan a meeting. Talking to this person online or on the phone for three weeks is a good amount of time to ensure this person is safe to meet
    • Bookend the date, which means you notify a friend where the date is, whom the date is with and when the date starts and then again, contact the same friend when you leave the date, to ensure you are home and are safe
    • Meet in a public place, like a restaurant, coffee shop, and drive your own car or know the public transportation schedule in order to leave to catch the last bus. At no time should this first date drive you home
    • While on the date, always be very aware of your surroundings. Keep an eye on your drink at all times. Date rape drugs are very easy to drop into any drink. Drinking coffee with a lid on the cup is probably your best defense against this kind of occurrence
    • Getting a girl drunk is a common ploy for a predator, so watch how much alcohol you drink. In fact, many online dating site guidelines do not recommend going to a bar or having a drink on the first date
    • Be cautious during your first few meetings with this person. Have the dates in open public places and stay away from dark and deserted situations
    • Never go to this person’s home or to a hotel until months into your dating experience

    What do you do if you have been assaulted?

    If you believe you may be a victim of sexual assault, the first thing you should do is immediately contact the police and report the crime, no matter how small you might think the crime is. It is common for victims to blame themselves in a case of assault, however you must always remember that this predator had absolutely no justification to attack you. It is also very important to protect your health, go to the hospital and request to have a sexual assault forensic exam, the staff will administer some tests that are compiled into what is sometimes known as a “rape kit.” These exams will preserve possible DNA evidence and you will receive important medical care. You don’t have to report the crime to have this exam, but the process gives you the chance to safely store evidence, should you decide to report the crime at a later time.

    • If you feel you cannot handle going to the hospital alone, try asking an understanding family member or friend to escort you to the hospital.
    • If necessary, you can also speak with a rape hotline operator, an experienced therapist or social worker who can help you deal with it. For more information, reference the local hotlines and services that are featured below
    • If you choose not to have a sexual assault forensic exam, it is also a good idea to to go to a clinic or to see a doctor who can test you for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
    • To find a location near you that performs sexual assault forensic exams, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (656-4673) or talk to your local sexual assault service provider

    Here are some National Resources for Victims of a Catfisher

    General Information:

    Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)                             https://www.ic3.gov/                                                                                                           A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

    National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

    National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.

    National Organization for Victim Assistance: Founded in 1975, NOVA is the oldest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States as the recognized leader in this noble cause.

    National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.

    U.S. Department of Justice: National Sex Offender Public Website: NSOPW is the only U.S. government Website that links public state, territorial, and tribal sex offender registries from one national search site.

    The National Center for Victims of Crime: The mission of the National Center for Victims of Crime is to forge a national commitment to help victims of crime rebuild their lives. They are dedicated to serving individuals, families, and communities harmed by crime.

    Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse:

    National Child Abuse Hotline: They can provide local referrals for services. A centralized call center provides the caller with the option of talking to a counselor. They are also connected to a language line that can provide service in over 140 languages. Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD (800-422-2253)

    Darkness to Light: They provide crisis intervention and referral services to children or people affected by sexual abuse of children. Hotline calls are automatically routed to a local center. Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

    Cyber Tip Line: This Tipline is operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Can be used to communicate information to the authorities about child pornography or child sex trafficking. Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (800-843-5678)

    National Children’s Alliance: This organization represents the national network of Child Advocacy Centers (CAC). CACs are a multidisciplinary team of law enforcement, mental and physical health practitioners who investigate instances of child physical and sexual abuse. Their website explains the process and has a directory according to geographic location.

    Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (888-773-8368)

    Justice for Children: Provides a full range of advocacy services for abused and neglected children.

    Domestic, Dating and Intimate Partner Violence:

    National Domestic Violence Hotline: Through this hotline an advocate can provide local direct service resources (safe-house shelters, transportation, casework assistance) and crisis intervention. Interpreter services available in 170 languages. They also partner with the Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Center to provide a videophone option. Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

    National Teen Dating Abuse Online Helpline: This online helpline assists teens who are, or may be, in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365

    Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: The center serves abused Americans, mostly women and children, in both civilian and military populations overseas. In addition to providing domestic violence advocacy, safety planning and case management, the center assists victims with relocation, emergency funds for housing and childcare, and funds for payment of legal fees. International & Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN (866- 879-6636) (Available 24/7/365)

    National Coalition against Domestic Violence: The national coalition of Domestic Violence organizations is dedicated to empowering victims and changing society to a zero tolerance policy. Call the Nat’l #DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233) if you or someone you love is a victim and needs help

    Incest:

    (See also resources on Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse above)

    Survivors of Incest Anonymous: They provide information on how to find incest survivor support groups in your area and empowers individuals to become survivors and thrivers.

    GirlThrive: Girlthrive Inc. honors teen girls and young women who have survived incest and all sex abuse through thriverships, opportunity and education.

    Stalking

    Stalking Resource Center: The Stalking Resource Center is a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Their website provides statistics on stalking, information on safety planning and other resources.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to a Catfisher—Part 3

    manhattan_bridgeAre you talking to someone on line? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

    Last week I outlined some typical characteristics and warning signs of interacting with an online scammer. I will continue outlining Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that the person you are speaking to online may be a catfisher.

    Ms. Wood is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book, Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life. Here are some more indicators you should be aware of when you are using an online dating service:

    1. Do their stories match up? Complete a reference check!

    If someone is pretending to be someone they’re not, they may have a difficult time keeping up with their fake persona. Colleges are the easiest reference to check. Call the alumni office to verify whether this person is in the alumni directory. When I wanted to check on one individual, I emailed his LinkedIn colleagues, and asked if they know “this person,” yes, I really did!  One scammer was so bold he had me speak with his daughter who was home visiting from college, and when I asked her how Boulder was, she blanked. She was supposedly attending the University of Colorado.

    1. Check the times of the calls. By the way, how is their spelling or their command of the English language?

    I have been contacted by many international catfishers, and for some reason, they will never call between 12:00am and 6:00am Sri Lanka time (2pm EST-8pm EST). We all make silly spelling mistakes, but if the person you are communicating with uses strange grammar and continuously makes odd spelling mistakes, maybe these writings are all coming from Google Translation, so proceed with caution.

    1. You will receive everything you would want to hear from a Prince Charming

    “You are so beautiful,” “I think you are someone special,” “I love you” or you receive a marriage proposal, sometimes all within the first twenty-four hours of meeting this person online. Need I say red flag to this one?

    1. In the first few days, are the communications hot and heavy with frequent emails, texting and contact? What happens next?

    My experience with scammers is that it takes five to seven days of hot and heavy intrigue, seduction, in pursuit of the development of trust. Then it is time for the “ask.” Some catfishers may take up to a month and work it very slow, all during which time, red flags are still appearing. Usually this period of time is accompanied by the building up of the “story.” This story could be a “colossal break,” a deal so big they can retire on it, or they are working on the opportunity of a lifetime. Once they know they have your trust, there then follows a disaster. A partner pulls out of the deal, leaving the scammer high and dry. Or they need to fly to Europe immediately, and they need some cash to finalize the deal. They may need large amounts of cash to be sent in order to complete business obligations. They need to bribe corrupt local officials, or they may have been “robbed” and lost all of their belongings. Just about any story will do, and it is usually a large amount of money that will satisfy them. What is totally amazing is that if you say no, it will not stop the scammer from asking again and again.

    There are a great variety of scripts scammers use to ask for money. The first step is appearing on a dating or social media site with a fake profile and credentials. Some scripts, or roles these scammers use portray them as an American soldier stationed overseas, a businessman from the United States who spends the majority of his time traveling internationally, or the entrepreneur who has the biggest international deal of a lifetime knocking at his door, usually involving oil, diamonds or gold.

    Catfishers follow similar scripts in regard to the role of their family members. The scammer is often a widower, spending too many years grieving for the dead partner, and you are the first person that really “gets” him. There are always kids, all very smart, but they are studying abroad. There are also possessions, more than one house, vacation timeshares, and an antique sports car. All plenty of stuff to check online, but there isn’t any record online, so beware!! Most important to remember, is that once the money is transferred, the scammer simply disappears, leaving you with a broken heart and an empty bank account. There is little chance of prosecution or recovery since these scammers are often located in other countries.

    Of course, not everyone is out to scam you. There are plenty of legitimate individuals seeking a partner on these dating sites. My sister and her husband met online. The intention of this post is not to make you paranoid. Ultimately, if you’re doubting this situation – you’re most likely right. If you encounter some of the scenarios and warning signs I have listed above, end the relationship immediately, never arrange a date and never, ever give this person any money. Be the fish that got away.

    Next week, I will discuss ways that you can protect yourself from online predators.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 2

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionAre you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

    I recently returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this blog post, to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers or scammers.

    I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers. The good news is that you can protect yourself by learning how to spot a phony while dating online. Tyler Cohen Wood is an expert in social media and cyber issues. She is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book — Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life, and has outlined these indicators that the person you are speaking to online, may be a catfisher.

    1.What if this person won’t video chat?

    Using SKYPE, FaceTime, Google Hangouts or even SnapChat with a person whom you meet online is normal practice in online dating. If a person makes excuses every time you want to SKYPE, consider it a red flag. Be concerned if the area code of their cell number is a not listed in the domestic list of area codes or they cannot come up with a good reason they have such a number. Areas codes that start with 473, 809, 284, 649, 654 and 876 are international, and are known to have been used for scams. Also be aware if there is a very bad connection every time you speak to them (such as a poor international connection) or no voicemail is attached to the number. This person is hiding something that they don’t want you to know.

    2. What happens when you Google them?

    Almost everyone in the United States has some sort of Internet presence. It is very rare that someone would have none at all. If you do basic research, such as conducting a search using a portal like www.WhitePages.com, www.Spokeo.com, or by looking through social media sites, and can’t find anything about this person, that is also a red flag. Most professionals will at least have a LinkedIn page. If you cannot find anything on the Internet about a person, they might not be telling you their real name, which again, is a red flag. However, anyone can very easily create a fake LinkedIn or Facebook page, so be cautious.

    3.Check public records.

    Do some reconnaissance by using search engines to find public records- www.intelius.com, or www.publicrecords.searchsystems.net. If a person says they own a house, you will be able to easily see where it is and how long they have lived there. You can also find legal documents like bankruptcy filings, divorce records and death records.

    4.Do they send real time photos of themselves?

    When people are communicating online, they will frequently send each other selfies, in real time. During a conversation, ask to see a photo of the person right then. If they refuse, or make some excuse, again, another red flag. If they have only sent you one or two photos, it is likely that they took those photos from someone else’s Facebook page or from somewhere else on the Internet. Don’t be fooled by photos of kids, or the snap of a potential romantic interest with his elderly Mom. We all post photos of our family members on our Facebook page! Do a reverse image Google search — right-click on their photos, copy the URL, and paste in the box at images.google.com. Google will then search for other sources of that image online.

    5.How many “real” friends and work colleagues are on this person’s social media sites? How many people communicate with this catfisher?

    You can get to know a lot about a person’s friends and family based on the banter they engage in on social media. How many posts are started by the potential catfisher? How many responses? Does the person seem to have real friends who carry on real conversations? Do they tag their photographs? On LinkedIn, do they have colleagues who have endorsed them? Contact a few friends for a reference check.

    6. Do they deflect or never answer your questions when you ask detailed, specific questions?

    Do they avoid answering your probing questions? Do you find that they deflect from your original question and the subject changes? Do you stop probing as a result? These too are warning signs. If you feel as if you are the only one sharing information and they are not giving away any details, consider this, yep, a red flag.

     

    Next week I will continue with Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that you are talking to a predator online and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself.