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Category: Addiction

Addiction

  • The Recovery Support that is Available Following Overdose

    What subsequently happens to people who experience a drug overdose and are successfully rescued through emergency medical intervention?

    What is their fate after they leave the hospital or other emergency care setting?

    Missing in the media coverage of the unrelenting legions of drug overdose deaths in the United States is an equally important but less heralded story. What happens to people who experience a drug overdose and are successfully revived through emergency medical intervention? What is their fate after they leave the hospital or other emergency care setting? The Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery (CCAR)  and other  grassroots recovery community organizations (RCOs) nationwide are influencing positive outcomes to overdose by placing recovery coaches with first responders and doctors in the emergency departments in hospitals to advance recovery options for the revived overdose patients.

    The Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery (CCAR) is one of several hundred recovery advocacy and recovery support organizations (RCOs) rising on the American landscape in the last two decades.  CCAR began piloting an Emergency Department Recovery Coach (EDRC) Program in March of 2017. Through this program, CCAR-trained recovery coaches are on-call for hospital emergency rooms to offer assistance to patients and their families during an emergency room visit resulting from an adverse drug reaction or other alcohol- or another drug-related medical crisis. An evaluation of EDRC services provided between March and November 2017 within four collaborating hospitals revealed the following. CCAR-trained recovery coaches provided recovery support services to 534 patients/families during the 8-month evaluation period with a relatively even distribution of services provided across the four hospitals. Of those served by the EDRC, the majority were in the ER due to an alcohol- or opioid-related condition; 70% were male; and 5% were seen more than once during the evaluation period. Most importantly, of the 534-people interviewed, 528 were assertively linked to a detoxification program, inpatient or outpatient treatment, or community-based recovery support resources.

    A more formal and sustained evaluation of the EDRC program is underway in collaboration with Yale University, and the program is now being expanded to an additional four hospitals. Funding support for the EDRC comes from the Connecticut Department of Mental Health and Addiction Services through support of the federal block grant and a Targeted Response to the Opioid Crisis Grant from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

    CCAR’s EDRC program has many distinct features worthy of replication and local refinement. Among the more striking of such features are the following-

    • The EDRC program is governed by a formal agreement between CCAR and each participating hospital that delineates the roles and responsibilities of each party.
    • The EDRC program is currently staffed by one Recovery Coach Manager and 9 full-time Recovery Coaches (RCs).
    • Emergency Department Recovery Coaches (EDRCs) are recruited and screened (2 interviews with background and reference checks) based on desired experience, skills, and a good work history, but also for what our EDRC manager, Jennifer Chadukiewicz, calls “a servant’s heart.”
    • All EDRCs go through more than 60 hours of training and spend the first weeks shadowing tenured EDRCs. The training includes the CCAR Recovery Coach Academy© (30 hours) as well as topical trainings, e.g., Narcan (naloxone administration), medication-assisted recovery, ethical decision-making, crisis intervention, and conflict resolution. Hospital specific training includes such areas as fire/general safety, OSHA, blood borne pathogens, infection control, hazardous materials, and HIPPA regulations.
    • EDRC Recovery Coaches are employed by CCAR rather than the hospitals and enter the hospitals as service vendors and “guests” who defer to leadership of ER staff.
    • The RCs are paid a livable wage ($20-$25/hr. to start plus benefits, health insurance, etc.) that allows them to work full time and support themselves and their families while affording time away for rest and self-care.
    • EDRC coverage is provided from 8 am to 12 midnight, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
    • Patients have the option of enrollment in enhanced Telephone Recovery Support (TRS) program (i.e., patients receive daily support calls for the next 10 days and then weekly if desired).
    • EDRC’s provide assertive linkage and transportation (when needed) to treatment and recovery support resources.
    • The EDRCs spend considerable time with community providers and other stakeholders building collaborative relationships that facilitate this patient referral and service linkage process.
    • CCAR provides each hospital emergency department with “prescription pad” style resource handouts that can be attached to discharge paperwork and given to patient friend/family member.

    There are critical windows of vulnerability and opportunity within addiction and recovery careers that serve to plunge one deeper into addiction or mark the catalytic beginning of a recovery process. The reversal of a drug overdose or treatment of other drug-related medical crises can constitute a recovery tipping point.

    The emergency room is not the only critical point of potential intervention to reduce the risk of drug-related deaths and to promote addiction recovery. For persons with a history of addiction, the days and weeks immediately following release from a correctional facility, release from an inpatient or residential detoxification/treatment program without medication support, or cessation of medication-assisted treatment, and even transfer from one medication-assisted treatment provider to another all constitute a zone of heightened risk for re-initiation of risky drug use and death. Altering such risks and tipping the scales toward recovery stabilization, recovery maintenance, and enhanced quality of personal/family life in long-term recovery should be the goals of every community. Recovery community organizations like CCAR are showing us how this can be done.

    This blog was written by William White, Rebecca Allen & Phil Valentine. It was originally posted on the William White web site: www.williamwhitepapers.com on January 18, 2018

    Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) is one of the nation’s first RCOs, CCAR pioneered what have since become standard RCO service fare: recovery-focused professional and public education, legislative advocacy, recovery community centers, recovery celebration walks and conferences, recovery support groups, training for recovery home operators, face-to-face and telephone-based recovery support services, family-focused recovery education and support services, and collaboration with research scientists on the evaluation of the effects of peer support on long-term recovery outcomes. As an example of its reach, CCAR’s Recovery Coach Academy curriculum has been used in the training of more than 20,000 recovery coaches in more than 33 states and in such countries as Sweden, Vietnam, Canada, and Spain.

  • Recovery Rising – A memoir of William L White

    Recovery Rising is the memoir of foremost recovery researcher and advocate, William L White. It has just been released on Amazon. White, for over five decades has had different roles in the addiction treatment field, beginning in Chicago’s inner city as a street worker working with addicts and the homeless, an addiction counselor, clinical supervisor, treatment administrator, educator, clinical and organizational consultant, and research scientist to being honored as the addiction field’s preeminent historian, one of the fields most visionary voices and a most prolific author.

    In Recovery Rising, William White’s ideas, methods, and organizational studies emerge to give the reader an idea on how dynamic a leader White is in the modern addictions field. These stories, sometimes poignant, sometime humorous always are revealing and informative. Williams White’s life work has been affirmed by this memoir and (hopefully) a younger generation of addiction advocates and professionals will be inspired by his story  to continue his good work.

    This link to his book on Amazon is:

    https://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Rising-Retrospective-Addiction-Treatment-ebook/dp/B07526ZDVD/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1506351061&sr=1-1&keywords=recovery+rising

  • What is a recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this article, I hope to define some different recovery coaching titles for those interested in becoming a recovery coach, what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches. If you are reading this to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is “an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey”. Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this article, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is required. If you want recovery coaching certification, google this term with the region you live in. For addition recovery coaching education, I suggest: adding certification for treating co-occurring disorders, training on the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, also certification for counseling individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders. If you would like to work in an inpatient treatment center, drug and alcohol counseling certification maybe required.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include coach supervision certification, which is training for individuals who want to manage other recovery coaches. Also there is an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching. A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program or a professional recovery coach certification from Recovery Coaches International. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches, developing a coaching relationship with a client outside of the clinical treatment. They can escort a client home from a treatment center and stay with the client for a period of time, insuring they do not relapse after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents. Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own coaching business. They will visit clients or talk with them over the phone or on SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator or will seek referrals from therapists. The client is billed directly for the coaching services, there is no insurance coverage for a recovery coach.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$18 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than five years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Care Act and the legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts, recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

     

  • Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly

    Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly is a new documentary by writer-director Justin Hunt and is narrated by Metallica’s James Hetfield.

    The movie is not about James Hetfield. Hetfield’s connection to the film is solely based on his connection with Hunt after the two worked on Hunt’s previous film Absent, a documentary about disengaged and absent fathers. Hetfield, who grew up without a father, spoke candidly in that movie—about his road to recovery.

    Hunt named the film as a nod to a scientific study where painted cardboard butterflies were used to see if male butterflies would be more attracted to the larger, more ornate butterflies. Guess what? They were. The analogy? Humans who choose a two-dimensional sexual exchange versus the real thing.

    There is no sex or porn education in schools, so porno films are serving as the only educator kids can find on sex. Then, guess what? Kids get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and think that is the way to be sexual, romantic or intimate. Well, it doesn’t work that way.

    Don Hilton, the neurologist in the film, explained that viewing porn can create the same chemical reaction as cocaine use—activating endorphins and the delta FosB. “The reason I wanted to include the portion about the brain in the film,” Hunt told writer, Dorri Olds for an exclusive interview published in theFix.com, “was because many try to discredit the idea of an addiction to porn.” He described naysayers who said porn is impossible to define. “An image I think is pornographic may not be to somebody else,” said Hunt, “so I had to come up with a common denominator. For the purpose of this film, the word ‘pornography’ refers to sexual images that cause the chemical reaction in the viewer’s brain.”

    It’s easy to draw parallels to alcohol and drug addiction. Another parallel is what Hunt called the shame cycle. Porn addicts use sexually explicit images to manage their mood. After indulging in the compulsive behavior, they then feel ashamed. That shame creates anxiety, so they watch more porn to calm their nerves. It is the same circular shame spiral that exists in substance abuse.

    Hunt said, “I’ve interviewed people who said, ‘The only way I knew how to stop feeling bad was to look at porn, but the reason I felt so bad was that I’d looked at too much porn.’ My first film, American Meth, was about drug addiction.

    “By the way, Absent wasn’t about James Hetfield—it was about the impact of absent fathers. You can have that father wound and turn it into something positive, like James did with his music. While we were making that movie, we built a friendship based on paternity—or should I say, the fraternity of fatherhood. [Laughs] We talked about our kids, parenting, being husbands, so when I discussed this project with him we both felt it was important to try to make a difference in the world. That’s why he decided to be a part of this and help me out. I commend him because he did this right as the band’s new album was coming out and touring. It’s not like he was sitting around with nothing to do.”

    There have been many movies about porn, but they’ve been about the industry, about adult film stars. Those weren’t about the brain or what Hunt calls the “porn progression.” Another remarkable aspect is that he created the whole movie without any provocative imagery. I asked him if that was intentional to avoid including any possible triggers for pornography addicts.

    “Yes, a big problem with documentaries about porn is that people struggling with that issue can’t watch those films because they become triggered. You can’t make a movie to help people with an addiction, and then fill it full of triggers. That’s like me saying, ‘Dorri, I think you have a drinking problem, let’s go have a beer and talk about it.’”

    The movie is not anti-porn. Hunt calls it “porn informative.” He believes the topic should be more openly talked about. Hunt said, “We’re just letting you know that porn addiction is a real thing and we need to start having conversations about it.”

    Another important issue the film raises is how technology is allowing people to be exposed at an earlier age and at a much higher rate. “We know how it affects the brain and we know that young kids’ brains are not ready for that. They get into public schools and public education, but there is no education on sex or porn so the porno films are serving as the educator. Then, guess what? They get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and it doesn’t work that way.”

    The movie shows one couple whose relationship is being destroyed by the husband’s addiction to porn. Hunt said this could have easily been a seven-hour movie. “There are so many different avenues that we could have gone down,” said Hunt. To fit everything into a movie-length film, Hunt said his goal was to expose people to the idea that kids are learning about intimacy and sexuality from porn. A doctor in the film points out, “Kids are learning about sex from ejaculations to the face. That’s what they’re learning about sex and romance and intimacy.”

    Hunt has three children, 16 and 13, and a three-year-old daughter. I asked if he had broached the topics of drugs, alcohol, and pornography with the two teenagers.

    “Yeah,” said Hunt. “They’ve been with me through the entire process of working on these films, and they’ve been on stage with me and they’ve watched me speak. They’ve watched the newspaper and the magazine articles come out. They’ve gone to radio spots with me, so they’ve seen this. They’ve seen the impact that drug addiction has, and they’ve seen the four-year process of making this film and what porn can do. That’s one of the beautiful side effects of what I do for a living—my kids get to see and learn.”

    It seems his kids are open with him. “My daughter is in eighth grade and she told me that she knows of sixth graders who are texting nude photos of each other back and forth on Snapchat.”

    He pointed out that because of technology, “we’re choosing synthetic relationships over authentic relationships. We’re not seeing the beauty in the people before us because we’re buying into the myth of what we’re seeing on computers and smart phones and movies. That’s just sad because we’re missing out. We’re destroying the essence of women and we’re buying into this imitation beauty.”

    He said 88% of the scenes in porn have aggressive behavior of some kind, physically or verbally. The other thing to consider is how many of these films make people seem like objects. They’re objects for release. That’s all they are. And that’s what kids are learning when they’re watching porn in those formative years.

    Hunt said, “When young people are naturally going to want to learn about sex and relationships and sexuality and intimacy, instead of learning courtship and humanity, they learn a selfishness, a way to just get theirs. One of the guys that I interviewed who didn’t make it into the film, was a juvenile therapist. He said there’s a massive increase in anal sex and oral sex amongst teenagers because of porn. They are mimicking what they see.”

    Another part that had to be cut for length reasons was about a porn-addicted pastor. “We had an entire segment on how prevalent porn has become in the church,” said Hunt. “He was busted because his wife had gone away for the weekend at a time when he was really deep in his addiction. While she was gone he’d spent the entire weekend on the computer looking at porn. She got back when he was in bed reading. She tried to get on the computer but it crashed. When she rebooted it, all these sexual images came up. She said, ‘Hey, can you come here for a second?’ He got out of bed in his underwear and went over to her. She said, ‘What’s this?’ And that’s how he was busted; exposed. He’s standing there in his underwear exposed, at the moment his addiction was exposed.”

    At that point Hunt looked at his watch and said, “We’ve been talking for 36 minutes, right? That’s 120 million searches for porn that have happened since you and I began talking.”

    As our conversation was coming to a close, I asked him who his target audience for the film was. He laughed and said, “I’m going to go with a quote from the movie Argo: ‘People with eyes.’ The average age that people start actively looking for porn is about 10 years old. One in three porn addicts are women, 58% of divorces cite porn as one of the reasons, and 67% of men look at porn once a week at least. It affects the whole human demographic.

    “When you look at someone you can often tell if they’re an alcoholic or a drug addict, but you can’t look at anyone to see if they’re a porn addict. Also, getting back to the topic of the brain, your brain can purge coke when you stop using it. It can purge alcohol. But you can’t purge these pornographic images completely out of your mind.”

    I asked Hunt if he was in recovery from an addiction. “No,” he said, “never done a drug in my life and have never been addicted to anything else either.” So, why did he become interested in addiction? “I saw people facing problems. When we made American Meth, people weren’t talking about the topic all that much. Far Too Far came from what was left over in my brain from making American Meth. I turned it into a narrative that was based on a true story where a woman on meth pulls her ear drum out with pliers because she thinks the FBI is listening to her thoughts. When we made Absent, people weren’t talking about absent fathers like they are now. I hope that my new film will open up a conversation about porn addiction.”

    This article was written by Dorri Olds and was originally published at www.thefix.com on 02/05/17

  • 10 Signs You’re a Sex Addict

    By Brian Whitney

    Reposted from an article published by www.thefix.com in 02/10/15

    Is sex starting to become a real problem for you?

    Take a look at our list for some warning signs you might want to look out for.

    So, you like to have sex. Good for you. Sex is the best. But lately there have been some problems in your life because of your sexual habits. Maybe you really love your wife, but she dumped you after catching you having sex with the babysitter. Perhaps, you were doing great at your job, but you got fired after getting caught in your office beating off to porn. Maybe you’re starting to wonder if you have some sort of a problem. Or maybe, like me, you knew you had a problem all along, and thought the most important thing was to not let anyone ever find out.

    It took me a long time to admit I was a sex addict. It isn’t an easy thing to do. I could deal with being a playboy, a hedonist, maybe even a freak, but a sex addict? Not me. It took about 20 years, two divorces, the loss of jobs and homes before I admitted it.

    When I was in the process of getting my second divorce, I was seeing a therapist. He was cool enough. He was funny. We got each other on a certain level, which sometimes is all you can ask for when you pay someone to talk to you about your problems.

    I got along with him well enough that I decided to do something new: I was going to be honest. This time I wasn’t going to pay someone to sit there and listen to me lie.

    I told him about how I was having affairs, how I couldn’t stop. How everything I did was designed to either get me laid or indulge my kinks, and my kinks were getting more extreme by the day. No matter what went on in my life, no matter how fucked up it got, no matter what I lost it didn’t matter; I couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t, stop. The most important thing to me in the world, by far, was sex and all the adrenaline and anxiety that came with it.

    I told him what had been going on. First, I lost my job because I was having affairs with so many people at work. Then, my wife tossed me out of the house because I was screwing around with so many people at places outside of work. I wound up living with a woman that I couldn’t stand, but that would do anything I wanted sexually, no matter how deviant my demands were—I was cheating on her, too.

    When I got done relating what my wreck of a life was all about, he looked at me and said, “Well the thing is, most guys would want to do what you do. I mean, what guy wouldn’t?” My misery was this guy’s fantasy—it wasn’t the first time.

    That is the thing about sex. If you’re getting a lot of it, you don’t have a problem, right?  I mean seriously, you’re getting laid all the time and complaining about it?

    So many people get all worked up about the sex addict thing. “How can anyone be addicted to sex?” Don’t get hooked on semantics. Who cares what you call your problem? I don’t. Call it sexual compulsion if it makes you feel better. By acting out with sex, you are dosing your brain with dopamine and other chemicals that excite, distract, and otherwise cover up the underlying distress or emptiness that is making you suffer.

    Below is a list of 10 signs that could mean you are a sex addict. I did all 10 of the things on this list in all of my relationships. I was often accused by women of being a selfish, lying asshole, or a total freak, and I was both of those things, but no one ever asked me if I might actually have a problem.

    I write this list as a heterosexual man, though, this can also apply to women and LGBT individuals.

    If you have none of the things on the list, good job. Go screw with impunity. If you have between one and three of these, check yourself and figure out what is going on, if you have more than three, you need to find someone to talk to, and you should probably do it soon.

    You live a double life

    This one is tricky. Maybe you just cheat all the time, and lie about where you are, and how you spend your money. That, in itself, doesn’t make you an addict. But, if you have sexual secrets that you refuse to share with anyone, or if somehow you figure out ways to spend Christmas with two different women (done it) then something is way, way off. Sex and your sexual proclivities are private, but if your whole life is going to go down the tubes if people know what you are REALLY up to, and you have to lie to everyone constantly just to stay afloat, then you have at least the beginnings of a problem.

    You exploit others for sex

    You’re probably a good guy. You are kind to kids and animals, you cried when you watched The Lion King. When your girlfriend talks about her feelings you listen—I mean you really do.

    But when it comes to sex, you could care less about people. They are just objects to use to get off, or toys to play with. You don’t care what happens to them when you are done with them, and you will do anything to get them to do what you want.

    Your life is constantly in crisis

    Because sex is your number one priority, everything else is always totally messed up. When you are at work, you spend the majority of your time trying to get your boss to fuck you, once you succeed, you try to get that cute temp to meet you out for drinks. Once you start banging her, you try for the woman in the cubicle across from yours.

    If you manage to stay employed, you are constantly broke, and you get two credit cards your wife doesn’t know about so you can keep up the appearances you need to with your girlfriends.

    Everything from school, to work, to money, is secondary to feeding your addiction.

    You’re preoccupied with sex

    I don’t mean this in a “Wow, look at that chick’s ass!” kind of way. I mean, you can’t concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes without going back into your place of fantasy. Or if you aren’t fantasizing, you are planning your next move. And if you aren’t planning your next move, you are having sex. Which then makes you feel ashamed, so to combat that you go right back into fantasy.

    You have sex without regard to potential consequences

    You’re out of control. Your wife is upstairs and you are banging her best friend on the couch. It isn’t enough to have sex with a co-worker; you have to do it on your boss’s desk. You just spent your mortgage payment at the strip club, or you just gave your credit card number to your dominatrix.

    If you are doing things that are going to screw you over in the future, and you KNOW they are going to screw you over in the future, then your sex life has crossed the line and is now officially a problem.

    Your kink needs to be fed more and more

    Some people are into some odd stuff, some aren’t. There is a myriad of different things that people do to get off with, and whether or not you like to be tied up, or walk your girlfriend on a leash isn’t the issue. What is the issue, is if the kink you have becomes your whole scene, and you need to go deeper and deeper into the world to get off? What can start off as fun, can wind up as something deeply destructive down the road.

    You masturbate all the time

    And I do mean all the time. You do it in the morning, you do it on your lunch break, and you do it before you go to sleep. I would sometimes even masturbate right after sex—with my partner passed out next to me. It’s just a sign that there are some issues, not a judgment. Do what you do. But if you have some of these other signs and you are beating off 20 to 30 times a week, then you’re a sex addict.

    Your relationships are always messed up

    The key word here is “always.” I always knew my relationships would end because I did something insane related to sex. It was just a matter of time before I would do something totally off the charts, get caught at it, and have to move on. It wasn’t like I learned a lesson. It was a lifestyle. This isn’t “Oh, I got caught cheating and my girlfriend dumped me.” It is that you are always cheating; you know you’re going to get caught, and you can’t stop.

    You feel powerless

    You can’t stop acting out. You try to stop, but you lose everything. Little by little, you lose everything. You keep on going until it’s all gone, until you are lying in a corner in the fetal position, until you feel like dying. Try not to get here. Go talk to someone you trust.

    You hate yourself

    Who knows, you could always be a sociopath. But, if you aren’t, and you are going through life hurting other people and destroying yourself, you are going to start disliking yourself quite a bit. I know I did. And the worst part—I was so sure, so entirely sure, that if I told anyone who I was, and the things that I did, they would hate me, too.

    If after reading this you think you might be a sex addict, talk to someone you trust. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a professional. It isn’t easy to get help, unless you live in an urban area, you aren’t going to find someone that has any sort of specialization in it. But that isn’t a reason, or an excuse, to keep acting this way.

    Brian Whitney is an author, a ghostwriter, and a frequent contributor to theFix.com. His book Raping the Gods was published in the Spring of 2015.

     

  • Lions, Tigers, Bears and the Yellow Brick Road to Recovery

    This is a guest post by Steve Devlin, a recovery coach from Philadelphia PA, and a long time friend. I chose to post this over the Holiday weekend, because it brings me such joy, and brings back wonderful memories of watching the Wizard of Oz on TV during the 60’s. Thank-you Steve, and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.

    Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz.  Some of you might be looking at your computer and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I beg for your patience and to hear me out.  First a caveat or two.  I represent only myself in this message.  The second caveat is this message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting.  The person who said it gave me permission to use it.  So here we go!

    We all know the Serenity Prayer.  “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange place, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard.  On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.

    So what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery?  We cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far, we are swept up in the tornado (or drug of our choice).  Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes we land in a new brightly-colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery.  Yet our own work is just beginning.  There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety.  We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone.  There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness.  However, as we follow the path we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others.  A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance.

    The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears.  It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends.  It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.

    Finally, there is wisdom, which gives us the ability to see choices in our lives and to know what we can and cannot change.  After long periods of feeling tied up like a scarecrow on a post, we are set free to walk a brick road of new life.  Of course, finding these three companions to fight back addiction is only part of the story and the Emerald City is not the ultimate destination.  Our companions bring us to the shining light of recovery, but we must take the gifts back home and use them in our daily lives outside of the rooms.

    I wish recovery was as easy as clicking our heals together.  Finding our way home takes work but with heart, courage, and wisdom we can overcome all the flying monkeys and stay out of the way of tornadoes.  We also learn that the greatest companion of recovery is gratitude which was always just in our own backyard.

    Question: Who are your companions on the brick road?

  • What is a recovery coach?

    What is a recovery coach, a peer recovery support specialist or a professional recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this post, I hope to help define for those interested in becoming a recovery coach what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches.

    If you are reading this post to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey.

    Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this blog, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is very broad. If you want more specific training, one can add certification for treating co-occurring disorders, the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, certification coaching individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include training for individuals that want to supervise other recovery coaches, or an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching.

    A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches often escort a client home from a treatment center insuring they do not relapse in the first 30 days after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents.

    Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own business. They will visit clients or call them over the phone or use SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator, maintaining a web site or will seek referrals from therapists. These coaches meet face to face with the client weekly and will work with them over the phone or face to face on a regular basis. The client is billed directly for the coaching services.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$20 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than four years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Healthcare Act and the newest legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts , recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

  • Getting through the tough times

    As a recovery coach, I often see my clients need help getting through the tough times, without using, picking up or acting out. Recently, I personally encountered some rough patches in my life, so, I went to my library of recovery books. Several years ago, when I was experiencing trouble living life on life’s terms, I became an avid reader of Pema Chodron.

    Pema Chodron Celebrates her 80th Year

    Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun, she was born in 1936, in New York City, and is celebrating her 80th year. After a divorce, in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Buddhist teacher Lama Chime Rinpoche, and she studied with him for several years. She became a novice Buddhist nun in 1974. Pema moved to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia in 1984, ­­­to be the director of Gampo Abbey and worked to establish a place to teach the Buddhist monastic traditions (waking before sunrise, chanting scriptures, daily chores, communal meals and providing blessings for the laity). In Nova Scotia and through the Chodron Foundation, she works with others, sharing her ideas and teachings. She has written several books, and in my time of deep spiritual need, I went to her book “When Things Fall Apart”.

    A Compassionate Tool

    Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives helped me. There is not only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches several approaches that involve moving toward the painful situation and relaxing us to realize the essential groundlessness of our situation. It is in this book, I discovered a simple breathing exercise, I can use during these chaotic times so I can move into a better space. Pema advocates this tool as a breathing exercise, although this exercise could also be considered a mindful meditation.

    I use Chodron’s tool whenever and wherever life hits me below the belt. I share this tool with my clients. It is all about breathing and consciously repeating words to yourself to accompany the breathing. Since we breathe every day, it is indiscernible whether you are using this tool as you travel on the bus commuting home from work, in a conference room with your boss, or when you are feeling low and want to curl up in a ball and die.

    Breathe

    Breathe. Pema explains in her book, when things get way too complicated; step back and breathe. When the force of the world, the politics of the U.S., Great Britain or Italy start weighing heavily on your mind, breathe. When you look at all the pain around you and feel powerless to do anything, breathe.

    Pema explains, inhale and say silently to yourself breathe in the pain, then exhale and say breathe out relief. Then, inhale, and say silently to yourself breathe in the relief, and exhale and say breathe out the pain. I find I need about 15 minutes of conscious breathing, breathing in the pain and breathing out relief, works for me. After doing this, I find I have new energy or something else crosses my path to move me into a more uplifting space.

    Chodron’s exercise places me in a space I need to be. If I continue to be in that “negative space” of worry or feeling powerless, then absolutely nothing will be accomplished that day. I know we all have something to accomplish every day, whether it is just getting out of bed, taking a shower and brushing our teeth or running a Fortune 500 company, this exercise gets us from zero to ten in fifteen minutes. It is the boost we need.

     So, I invite you to try this simple exercise…and remember…keep breathing

     

  • Is Recovery Coaching Effective?

    Is Recovery Coaching Effective?

    manhattan_bridgeTreatment professionals and researchers are calling for a change in the treatment model for substance use disorders (SUD). This change calls for shedding the acute care model (28 days of SUD treatment will fix you) to a continuum of care models, similar to how chronic diseases like diabetes or arthritis are treated. (Humphreys & Tucker, 2002; Institute of Medicine, 2005; McLellan et al., 2000; White, Boyle, Loveland, & Corrington, 2005).

    At the same time, the mental health and the substance abuse treatment fields have merged, creating the behavioral health field. With this merger, the recovery-oriented systems of care model (ROSC) has become the accepted approach to treatment for those with mental and substance use disorders. This holistic approach, rather than focusing on the addiction, considers the whole person and how they interact in real life. ROSC emphasizes that recovery depends on the connection of mind, body, and spirit, motivating addicts to choose to improve their mental health, their physical health, and to embrace a spiritual component of their recovery (SAMHSA, 2011). This multi-system approach has ROSC counselors encouraging visits to the general practitioner, the OBGyn and the dentist. They assess for co-occurring disorders and embrace one-on-one therapeutic treatment and group therapy. And ROSC practitioners embrace mutual support programs, such as AA, NA or even nontraditional mutual support groups like SOS, or Women for Sobriety. A spiritual program is also encouraged. Lastly, the newest introduction to the treatment field is the recovery coach.

    As mental health and addiction treatment services are adopting this recovery-oriented approach, the emphasis on incorporating various forms of recovery coaching or peer-based recovery support into treatment services is growing rapidly. Peer-based recovery support services are defined as

    “the process of giving and receiving nonprofessional, nonclinical assistance to achieve long-term recovery from mental health and substance use disorders” (Borkman, 1999)

    This support is provided by “peers,” “peer-recovery support specialists,” “recovery coaches,” “peer mentors,” or “peer support specialists” who have lived and experienced personal recovery (Borkman, 1999). The peers assist others in initiating, maintaining and embracing recovery from their mental health or substance use disorders.

    As recovery coaches and peers begin to infiltrate treatment centers and recovery support, community organizations, there is a needling question that arises: are recovery coaches effective in the recovery process?

    Studies have been completed on the effectiveness of recovery coaches aiding in individuals achieving long-term recovery since 2005. Many were small studies, some were not exactly scientific, nor could other studies stand up to researcher’s scrutiny. None of the studies had the critical mass to come to a clear conclusion. Ellen L. Bassuk, M.D., Justine Hanson, Ph.D., R. Neil Greene, M.A., Molly Richard, B.A., and Alexandre Laudet, PhD began examining the 1,221 studies that analyze the effectiveness of peer-delivered, recovery support services for individuals in recovery. They wrote a systematic review called Peer Delivered Recovery Support Services for Addictions in the United States: A Systematic Review.

    This compilation of all the current studies is to create an appraisal, and summarization of the success of peer-delivered, recovery support services, using strict scientific criteria. As part of their review process, the 1,221 studies were screened, but only nine studies were deemed to meet the strict review requirements.

    The nine studies examined the effectiveness of recovery support services that were delivered by a peer using a wide range of interventions and models. These studies also examined the variety of locations that offered peer support, including peer-run, drop-in centers (Ja et al., 2009), peer-run, recovery community organizations (Kamon & Turner, 2013), and Veteran’s Administration medical outpatient clinics (Bernstein et al., 2005).

    This review showed peer-delivered recovery support services accomplished the following successful outcomes:

    1. Decreased alcohol use
    2. Decreased drinking to intoxication by reducing the odds of drinking to intoxication by 2.9 percent (Smelson et al. 2013)
    3. Peer participation lowered re-hospitalization rates, meaning only 62 percent of participants from the peer based support group were re-hospitalized compared to 73 percent of those not receiving peer based support (Min et al. (2007)
    4. Increased post-discharge sobriety time was achieved by the individuals receiving the peer intervention (O’Connell et al. 2014)
    5. If peers led groups in life-skills training, those participants had 14.8 fewer days drinking
    6. Peer recovery support affected those discharged from inpatient treatment by maintaining a post-discharge sobriety rate of 43 percent to 48 percent as compared to 33 percent sobriety for those not receiving peer based support (Tracy et al. 2011)

    Overall, the review of these studies indicate that peers involved in recovery support interventions have beneficial effects on participants. While the reviewers can conclude that there is evidence supporting the effectiveness of peer-delivered, recovery support services, they acknowledge that additional research is necessary to determine the usefulness of peer support services. While this knowledge is encouraging, research in this area is just emerging, and there is a strong need to improve outcomes by completing future studies.

    References

    1. Humphreys, K., & Tucker, J. (2002). Toward more responsive and effective intervention systems for alcohol-related problems. Addiction, 97(2), 126–132.
    2. Institute of Medicine (2005). Improving the quality of health care for mental and substance use conditions. Washington, DC: National Academy Press.
    3. McLellan, A. T., Lewis, D. C., O’Brien, C. P., & Kleber, H. D. (2000). Drug dependence, a chronic medical illness: Implications for treatment, insurance, and outcomes evaluation. JAMA, 284(13), 1689–1695.
    4. White, W., Boyle, M., Loveland, D., & Corrington, P. (2005). What is behavioral health recovery management? A brief primer. (Retrieved from www.addictionmanagement.org/recovery%20management.pdf).
    5. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) (2011). SAMHSA’s Working Definition of Recovery. (Retrieved from http://www.samhsa.gov/recovery/).
    6. Borkman, T. (1999). Understanding self-help/mutual aid: Experiential learning in the commons. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press
    7. Borkman, T. (1999). Understanding self-help/mutual aid: Experiential learning in the commons. New Brunswick, NJ: Rutgers University Press
    8. Ja, D. Y., Gee, M., Savolainen, J.,Wu, S., & Forghani, S. (2009). Peers Reaching Out Supporting Peers to Embrace Recovery (PROPSPER): A final evaluation report. San Francisco, CA: DYJ, Inc. for Walden House, Inc. and the Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (Retrieved from http://www.dyja./com/sites/default/files/u24/PROSPER%20Final%20Evaluation%20Report.pdf).
    9. Kamon, J., & Turner,W. (2013). Recovery coaching in recovery centers: What the initial data suggest: A brief report from the Vermont Recovery Network. Montpelier, Vermont Evidence-Based Solutions (Retrieved form https://vtrecoverynetwork.org/PDF/VRN_RC_eval_report.pdf).
    10. Bernstein, E., Bernstein, J., Tassiopoulos, K., Heeren, T., Levenson, S., & Hingson, R. (2005). Brief motivational intervention at a clinic visit reduces cocaine and heroin use. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 77, 49–59
    11. Smelson, D. A., Kline, A., Kuhn, J., Rodrigues, S., O’Connor, K., Fisher, W. Kane, V. (2013). A wraparound treatment engagement intervention for homeless veterans with co-occurring disorders. Psychological Services, 10(2), 161–167.
    12. Min, S. Y., Whitecraft, E., Rothbard, A. B., & Salzer, M. S. (2007). Peer support for persons with co-occurring disorders and community tenure: A survival analysis. Psychiatric Rehabilitation Journal, 30(3), 207–213. http://dx.doi.org/10.2975/30.3.2007.207.213.
    13. O’Connell, M. J., Flanagan, E., Delphin, M., & Davidson, L. (2014). Enhancing outcomes for persons with co-occurring disorders through skills training and peer recovery supports. Unpublished manuscript.
    14. Tracy, K., Burton, M., Nich, C., & Rounsaville, B. (2011). Utilizing peer mentorship to engage high recidivism substance-abusing patients in treatment. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 37(6), 525–531

  • Recovery Coach Training Organizations – Free Listing

    adultlearnersDoes your organization want a free listing for your recovery coaching certification training? Every year this website updates the list of over 300 agencies, organizations and schools that offer certification training for recovery coaches working with people in recovery from addictions. This list receives over 45,000 hits a year. Please fill in the comment section below if you offer certification in recovery coaching, and your organization will be presented in this free listing.

    Provide all of the pertinent information: institution name, address, email, web site, the person in charge of the training registration and their phone number, date of training and costs. Clarify that this training is for recovery coaches working in the addictions field. This listing is free.

    You can fill out the comment section below or send an email to: melissakilleen@mkrecoverycoaching.com

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 4

     innocence-en-dangerHow can you protect yourself from a Catfisher or an online predator?

    Why do they do what they do? Catfishers want something from you. These are people that are not motivated by love, but are driven by money, perverse sexual desires and criminal intent.

    • Money is usually the first thing predators want from adult contacts
    • They want to win you over and manipulate you, so you begin to desire them in a sexual way and that means you will begin to trust them
    • They will use your photographs and distribute them to other online predators, they will re-post the pictures online in sexual forums or just enjoy your photographs themselves, privately
    • They want to have conversations with you, texting or otherwise, in order to get sexually aroused during the conversation
    • Any of the above contacts will enable these predators to black-mail, extort or rape you

    Scary Stats

    There are some scary statistics on Catfishers or online predators.

    • An estimated 725,000 people are aggressively pursued online for sex or extortion annually in the US
    • In 2005 alone, 25% percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims
    • In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers”
    • Reports say victims of these romance scams have lost over fifty million dollars—however authorities know this figure is much higher because many victims are too embarrassed to report the incidents
    • Every 2 minutes a person in America is sexually assaulted
    • 1 out of 4 children in the U.S. have been sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex by an online predator
    • Each year Internet predators commit over 16,000 abductions, over 100 murders, and thousands of rapes
    • Over 39,000 verified Registered Sex Offenders have profiles on social media sites
    • 1 out of 5 kids have been solicited for sex on the Internet
    • 1 out of 4 kids have been contacted online by a person not representing themselves in a true or accurate way
    • Only 25% of kids tell parents or adults about any online encounters
    • 77% of the time, the targets for online predators are usually in the 11-14 year-old-age range
    • 25% of children that were surveyed were exposed to unwanted pornographic material

    Dating Safety Tips

    Online dating often leads to offline dates, which may end up as a successful relationship. However, before you meet someone in person, take all the time you need to get well-acquainted with this person, so there is hopefully nothing to worry about when you meet face-to-face. Sexual assault on a date is definitely not an everyday occurrence, nonetheless, you need to ensure your personal safety when planning to meet someone for a first date. Take the time to really get to know a person and dangerous incidents are less likely to occur.

    The predators need to be exposed, if you or anyone you know has been contacted by an online predator or has received unwanted solicitation from someone online, call the police and notify the social networking site on which the contact was made.

    • NEVER give out your personal information or home address online, even giving out the town you live in can reveal too much information to a predator
    • Don’t reply to social media messages from people you don’t know
    • NEVER meet face-to-face with someone you have just met online, give yourself and the contact at least 3 weeks to get to know each other before a face-to-face is planned
    • Never download image files from an unknown source, they could contain sexually explicit images that could put you in a compromising legal situation
    • Avoid chat rooms or discussion forums that are sexually proactive
    • If you receive uncomfortable or frightening material, end the communication, block the person from contacting you and report them to the dating site or the social networking site
    • If you receive an unwanted solicitation call 911, contact the dating site or the social networking site and report the perpetrator immediately

    Sexual assault and date rape are definitely not common occurrences when meeting an online date. Read and follow the safety advice for first date meetings that have been outlined on your online dating site, so you are well-prepared. In addition, here are some of tips that will be useful too.

    • Always take the time to get well-acquainted with someone before you plan a meeting. Talking to this person online or on the phone for three weeks is a good amount of time to ensure this person is safe to meet
    • Bookend the date, which means you notify a friend where the date is, whom the date is with and when the date starts and then again, contact the same friend when you leave the date, to ensure you are home and are safe
    • Meet in a public place, like a restaurant, coffee shop, and drive your own car or know the public transportation schedule in order to leave to catch the last bus. At no time should this first date drive you home
    • While on the date, always be very aware of your surroundings. Keep an eye on your drink at all times. Date rape drugs are very easy to drop into any drink. Drinking coffee with a lid on the cup is probably your best defense against this kind of occurrence
    • Getting a girl drunk is a common ploy for a predator, so watch how much alcohol you drink. In fact, many online dating site guidelines do not recommend going to a bar or having a drink on the first date
    • Be cautious during your first few meetings with this person. Have the dates in open public places and stay away from dark and deserted situations
    • Never go to this person’s home or to a hotel until months into your dating experience

    What do you do if you have been assaulted?

    If you believe you may be a victim of sexual assault, the first thing you should do is immediately contact the police and report the crime, no matter how small you might think the crime is. It is common for victims to blame themselves in a case of assault, however you must always remember that this predator had absolutely no justification to attack you. It is also very important to protect your health, go to the hospital and request to have a sexual assault forensic exam, the staff will administer some tests that are compiled into what is sometimes known as a “rape kit.” These exams will preserve possible DNA evidence and you will receive important medical care. You don’t have to report the crime to have this exam, but the process gives you the chance to safely store evidence, should you decide to report the crime at a later time.

    • If you feel you cannot handle going to the hospital alone, try asking an understanding family member or friend to escort you to the hospital.
    • If necessary, you can also speak with a rape hotline operator, an experienced therapist or social worker who can help you deal with it. For more information, reference the local hotlines and services that are featured below
    • If you choose not to have a sexual assault forensic exam, it is also a good idea to to go to a clinic or to see a doctor who can test you for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
    • To find a location near you that performs sexual assault forensic exams, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (656-4673) or talk to your local sexual assault service provider

    Here are some National Resources for Victims of a Catfisher

    General Information:

    Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)                             https://www.ic3.gov/                                                                                                           A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

    National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

    National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.

    National Organization for Victim Assistance: Founded in 1975, NOVA is the oldest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States as the recognized leader in this noble cause.

    National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.

    U.S. Department of Justice: National Sex Offender Public Website: NSOPW is the only U.S. government Website that links public state, territorial, and tribal sex offender registries from one national search site.

    The National Center for Victims of Crime: The mission of the National Center for Victims of Crime is to forge a national commitment to help victims of crime rebuild their lives. They are dedicated to serving individuals, families, and communities harmed by crime.

    Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse:

    National Child Abuse Hotline: They can provide local referrals for services. A centralized call center provides the caller with the option of talking to a counselor. They are also connected to a language line that can provide service in over 140 languages. Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD (800-422-2253)

    Darkness to Light: They provide crisis intervention and referral services to children or people affected by sexual abuse of children. Hotline calls are automatically routed to a local center. Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

    Cyber Tip Line: This Tipline is operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Can be used to communicate information to the authorities about child pornography or child sex trafficking. Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (800-843-5678)

    National Children’s Alliance: This organization represents the national network of Child Advocacy Centers (CAC). CACs are a multidisciplinary team of law enforcement, mental and physical health practitioners who investigate instances of child physical and sexual abuse. Their website explains the process and has a directory according to geographic location.

    Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (888-773-8368)

    Justice for Children: Provides a full range of advocacy services for abused and neglected children.

    Domestic, Dating and Intimate Partner Violence:

    National Domestic Violence Hotline: Through this hotline an advocate can provide local direct service resources (safe-house shelters, transportation, casework assistance) and crisis intervention. Interpreter services available in 170 languages. They also partner with the Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Center to provide a videophone option. Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

    National Teen Dating Abuse Online Helpline: This online helpline assists teens who are, or may be, in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365

    Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: The center serves abused Americans, mostly women and children, in both civilian and military populations overseas. In addition to providing domestic violence advocacy, safety planning and case management, the center assists victims with relocation, emergency funds for housing and childcare, and funds for payment of legal fees. International & Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN (866- 879-6636) (Available 24/7/365)

    National Coalition against Domestic Violence: The national coalition of Domestic Violence organizations is dedicated to empowering victims and changing society to a zero tolerance policy. Call the Nat’l #DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233) if you or someone you love is a victim and needs help

    Incest:

    (See also resources on Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse above)

    Survivors of Incest Anonymous: They provide information on how to find incest survivor support groups in your area and empowers individuals to become survivors and thrivers.

    GirlThrive: Girlthrive Inc. honors teen girls and young women who have survived incest and all sex abuse through thriverships, opportunity and education.

    Stalking

    Stalking Resource Center: The Stalking Resource Center is a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Their website provides statistics on stalking, information on safety planning and other resources.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 2

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionAre you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

    I recently returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this blog post, to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers or scammers.

    I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers. The good news is that you can protect yourself by learning how to spot a phony while dating online. Tyler Cohen Wood is an expert in social media and cyber issues. She is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book — Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life, and has outlined these indicators that the person you are speaking to online, may be a catfisher.

    1.What if this person won’t video chat?

    Using SKYPE, FaceTime, Google Hangouts or even SnapChat with a person whom you meet online is normal practice in online dating. If a person makes excuses every time you want to SKYPE, consider it a red flag. Be concerned if the area code of their cell number is a not listed in the domestic list of area codes or they cannot come up with a good reason they have such a number. Areas codes that start with 473, 809, 284, 649, 654 and 876 are international, and are known to have been used for scams. Also be aware if there is a very bad connection every time you speak to them (such as a poor international connection) or no voicemail is attached to the number. This person is hiding something that they don’t want you to know.

    2. What happens when you Google them?

    Almost everyone in the United States has some sort of Internet presence. It is very rare that someone would have none at all. If you do basic research, such as conducting a search using a portal like www.WhitePages.com, www.Spokeo.com, or by looking through social media sites, and can’t find anything about this person, that is also a red flag. Most professionals will at least have a LinkedIn page. If you cannot find anything on the Internet about a person, they might not be telling you their real name, which again, is a red flag. However, anyone can very easily create a fake LinkedIn or Facebook page, so be cautious.

    3.Check public records.

    Do some reconnaissance by using search engines to find public records- www.intelius.com, or www.publicrecords.searchsystems.net. If a person says they own a house, you will be able to easily see where it is and how long they have lived there. You can also find legal documents like bankruptcy filings, divorce records and death records.

    4.Do they send real time photos of themselves?

    When people are communicating online, they will frequently send each other selfies, in real time. During a conversation, ask to see a photo of the person right then. If they refuse, or make some excuse, again, another red flag. If they have only sent you one or two photos, it is likely that they took those photos from someone else’s Facebook page or from somewhere else on the Internet. Don’t be fooled by photos of kids, or the snap of a potential romantic interest with his elderly Mom. We all post photos of our family members on our Facebook page! Do a reverse image Google search — right-click on their photos, copy the URL, and paste in the box at images.google.com. Google will then search for other sources of that image online.

    5.How many “real” friends and work colleagues are on this person’s social media sites? How many people communicate with this catfisher?

    You can get to know a lot about a person’s friends and family based on the banter they engage in on social media. How many posts are started by the potential catfisher? How many responses? Does the person seem to have real friends who carry on real conversations? Do they tag their photographs? On LinkedIn, do they have colleagues who have endorsed them? Contact a few friends for a reference check.

    6. Do they deflect or never answer your questions when you ask detailed, specific questions?

    Do they avoid answering your probing questions? Do you find that they deflect from your original question and the subject changes? Do you stop probing as a result? These too are warning signs. If you feel as if you are the only one sharing information and they are not giving away any details, consider this, yep, a red flag.

     

    Next week I will continue with Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that you are talking to a predator online and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself.

  • A Call for Clinical Humility in Addiction Treatment

    by William White and video featuring Chris Budnick

    The history of addiction treatment includes a pervasive and cautionary thread: the potential to do great harm in the name of help.  The technical term for such injury, iatrogenesis (physician-caused or treatment-caused illness), spans a broad range of professional actions that with the best of intentions resulted in harm to individuals and families seeking assistance. My recounting of such insults within the history of addiction treatment (see endnotes 1, 2 and 3 below) also includes the observation that such harms are easy to identify retrospectively in earlier eras, but very difficult to see within one’s own era, within one’s own treatment program, and within one’s own clinical practices.

    The challenges for each of us who work in this special service ministry and for william_l_white_portrait_1the specialized industry of addiction treatment include conducting a regular inventory of clinical and administrative policies and practices to identify areas of inadvertent harm, altering conditions linked to such harm, making amends for such injuries, and developing mechanisms to prevent such injuries in the future. In my own professional life, many of the projects in my later career were products of such an inventory and served as a form of amends for actions I took or failed to take in my early career due to lack of awareness or courage. (See endnote 4 and 5 for two vivid examples.)

    There have also been times I have taken the larger field to task for practices I deemed harmful. I have suggested at times that what were perceived as personal failures to achieve lasting recovery could be more aptly characterized as system failures (endnote 6). I have suggested at times that the field was becoming addicted to professional power and money and that the field itself was in need of a recovery process that should include processes of rigorous self-inventory, public confession, and amends (endnote 7 and 8).

    The shift from acute care models of addiction treatment to models of sustained recovery management (RM) and recovery-oriented systems of care (ROSC) involves dramatic changes in clinical practices, including a shift in the basic relationship between the service provider and service recipient. The service relationship within the RM/ROSC models shifts from one dominated and controlled by the professional expert to a sustained recovery support partnership, with the provider serving primarily as a consultant to the service recipient’s own recovery self-management efforts. Those who have made this relational shift inevitably look back on areas of potential harm that emerged from the expert relational model they once practiced. And then the question inevitably arises, “How does one make amends for past harm in the name of help within the context of addiction counseling?”

    Chris Budnick, an addictions professional in North Carolina and founding Board Chair for Recovery Communities of North Carolina, Inc. (RCNC), recently responded to that question by preparing a formal letter of amends to the individuals, families, and communities he has served. Below is the text of that letter, which was presented at the North Carolina Recovery Advocacy Alliance Summit, February 24, 2016. (The link to the video is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5MYhZbnhfU)

    Chris-Budnick LCSW,LCAS,CC,MSWMy name is Chris Budnick and I am a Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist. I first began working in the addiction treatment and recovery field in 1993. 

    There are many components involved in the broad issue of substance use disorders and recovery. Employers, first responders, the criminal justice system, policy makers, politicians, companies, advertisers, treatment providers, addiction professionals, the recovery community, families, and the individual with the substance use disorder. Of all these components, individuals with substance use disorders face the greatest scrutiny, stigma, discrimination and blame. For too long they have stood alone bearing the full brunt of this responsibility while systems of care and policies impacting housing, education, and employment have largely conspired to undermine any chance of sustaining recovery.

    Last week I found myself approaching a police department to apologize for failing them. When they reached out to us in the middle of the night seeking services for a young woman we told them “no.”  “We can’t help her tonight.”  She was killed within hours of this decision leaving behind a 2-year-old daughter.  I told the officer that we pledge to do better.

    This experience has nudged me to put to paper ideas that I’ve articulated and ideas I’ve only contemplated. I feel compelled as an addiction professional to make amends and pledge to do better.

    While I have changed my attitudes and practices over the years, I have not spoken up to say I’m sorry. So here are the things I want to make amends for:

    • I’m sorry for all the barriers you confront when trying to access help.
    • I’m sorry for contradictory “sobriety” and “active use” requirements you encounter when trying to access services.
    • I’m sorry for the harm that has come to you, your family, your unborn children, and your community when you have not been provided services on demand.
    • I apologize for expecting that you will provide all the motivation to initiate recovery when I have assumed no responsibility for enhancing your readiness for recovery.
    • I am sorry for creating unrealistic expectations of you.
    • I’m sorry for provider success statistics that have misled you and your family.
    • I’m sorry that I have discharged you from treatment for becoming symptomatic. I’m even more sorry, though, for abandoning you at your time of greatest vulnerability. And I am sorry for how this failure has contributed to the heartbreak of your loved ones.
    • I am sorry for abandoning you when you have left treatment, either successfully or unsuccessfully.
    • I am sorry for the irritation in my voice when you have returned following a set-back because you didn’t do everything that I told you to do.
    • I am sorry for my arrogance when I’ve assumed that I am the expert of your life.
    • I am sorry for privately finding satisfaction in your failure because it reinforces the fallacy that I know best and if you just do as I say, you’ll recover.
    • I am sorry for not celebrating as enthusiastically your successes when you have achieved them through a different pathway or style then me.
    • I am sorry for being a silent co-conspirator for the stigma that has resulted in systems of punishment and discriminatory policies and practices.
    • I’m sorry for turning you away from treatment because you’ve “been here too many times.”
    • I’m sorry for not referring you to different services when you have not responded to the services I offer.
    • I am sorry for allowing you to take the blame when treatment did not work instead of defending you because you received an inadequate dose and duration of care.
    • I am sorry for reaping the benefits of recovery yet failing to do everything I can to make sure those benefits are available to anyone, regardless of privilege, socio-economic status, education, employability, and criminal history.
    • I’m sorry for being an addiction professional who has not provided you with the recovery supports needed to sustain recovery. More importantly, I apologize for conspiring through silence and inaction with a system that ill prepares you to achieve success.
    • I’m sorry for not calling to check on you when you don’t show up for treatment. I’m sorry for not calling to support you after you leave treatment.
    • I’m sorry for letting society maintain the belief that you used again because you chose to.
    • I’m sorry for not fighting for adequate treatment and recovery support services. All persons with substance use disorders should be entitled to a minimum of five years of monitoring and recovery support services.
    • I’m sorry for not advocating for you to have opportunities to gain safe and supportive housing and non-exploitive employment.
    • I am sorry for being so self-centered that I only think about you in the context of treatment while failing to fully understand the environmental and social realities of your life and how they will impact your ability to initiate and sustain recovery.
    • I am deeply sorry to your loved ones who have been robbed of chances to have a healthy member of their family. I am deeply sorry to your community, who has been robbed of the gifts that your recovery could have brought them.
    • I’m sorry that systems of control and punishment has been the response to communities of color during drug epidemics.
    • I am sorry that through my silence and inaction that I have contributed to belief that persons with substance use disorders are criminals and should be punished.
    • I am sorry for not speaking as a Recovery Ally to families, friends, neighbors, colleagues, policy makers, and public officials about why I support recovery.
    • I’m sorry for all the things that I have left off this list because I’ve failed to regularly solicit your feedback about how effective I have been in supporting you in your recovery.

          This sorrow is the foundation of my commitment to improve the accessibility, affordability, and quality of addiction treatment and recovery support services and to create the community space in which long-term personal and family recovery can flourish.

                                  -Chris Budnick, Licensed Clinical Addiction Specialist

    This is a remarkable statement worthy of emulation. I look forward to the day when leaders prepare such a statement of amends to individuals, families, and communities on behalf of American addiction treatment institutions. I look forward to the day when clinical humility becomes a foundational ethic guiding the practice of addiction counseling.  WW

    I honor and applaud Bill and Chris for bringing this message to clinical professionals across the nation. It is time to shed and change these old models that have not been working and embrace these new tenants that Bill, Chris and many others espouse.  Truly such client-centered treatment can change the course of recovery for many. MK

    End Notes

    This post was previously published on William White’s web site- www.williamwhitepapers.com on April 29, 2016. William White and Chris Budnick authorized this reposting.

    Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5MYhZbnhfU

  • How Adverse Childhood Experiences affects long term health – a TED MED Talk by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris

    Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, during her TED-Med talk presents the benefits of the Adverse Childhood Experience study and the substantiated affects the study has brought forth on how childhood trauma can impact the quality of one’s health and length of a person’s lifespan. The San Francisco based pediatrician explains that the repeated stress of abuse, experience of neglect and living with parents struggling with mental health or substance abuse issues has real, tangible effects on the development of a child’s brain. The ACE study concludes that those who’ve experienced chronic, and high levels of trauma are at triple the risk for heart disease, addictions and lung cancer. She gives an impassioned plea for clinicians to use the Adverse Childhood Experiences questions during intake on all of their patients and confront the prevention and treatment of trauma, head-on.

     

  • Faces and Voices in Recovery Develops an Addiction Recovery Toolkit

    Faces and Voices in Recovery Partnering with Members of Congress to Offer Comprehensive Addiction Resources

    2016 logoFaces & Voices of Recovery, in collaboration with the Addiction Policy Forum and the House of Representatives Bipartisan Task Force to Combat the Heroin Epidemic developed a comprehensive addiction resources toolkit to help the families impacted by the heroin and opioid epidemic. This week, Members of Congress will unveil this toolkit on their websites and in their district offices and will train their office staff to provide key resources to families and individuals in their communities facing addiction. This toolkit is a resource that every recovery community organization, treatment center, doctor’s office, library as well as every family and individual should have access to.

    More Americans die every day from drug overdoses than from car accidents – an average of 129 people per day, with six out of 10 deaths related to opioids. This toolkit was developed in response to the fact that a majority of those who need help with addiction issues are not receiving it. In 2014, only 11 percent of the approximately 22.7 million Americans who needed treatment for substance use received it, according to the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

    “We are honored to partner with Members of Congress to offer individuals, families and communities important resources that will help them find support to achieve long-term recovery. We have offered our expertise for this toolkit and are pleased that Members of Congress understand the importance of making this information easily accessible and available in each Congressional district across the nation.”   -Executive Director Patty McCarthy-Metcalf

    Leading national and community organizations contributed to this comprehensive set of resources that includes resources around prevention, drug treatment, recovery support and general information for families, community organizations, schools, and parents concerned about addiction and seeking support. The groups who contributed to this guide include: Community Anti-Drug Coalition, the National Council, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids, Shatterproof, Faces & Voices of Recovery, Legal Action Center, National Institute of Drug Abuse, and the Office of National Drug Control Policy.

    In preparing this toolkit, Faces and Voices of Recovery strengthens it’s mission and dedication to organizing and mobilizing the over 23 million Americans in recovery from addiction to alcohol and other drugs, our families, friends and allies into recovery community organizations and networks, to promote the right and resources to recover through advocacy, education and demonstrating the power and proof of long-term recovery.  Faces & Voices of Recovery is the parent organization of the Association of Recovery Community Organizations (ARCO) which unites and supports the growing network of local, regional and statewide recovery community organizations (RCOs). ARCO links RCOs and their leaders with local and national allies and provides training and technical assistance to groups. ARCO helps build the unified voice of the organized recovery community and fulfill our commitment to supporting the development of new groups and strengthening existing ones.

    Link to Tool kit: http://media.wix.com/ugd/bfe1ed_439f2d84f59c4461a4eef39a7b00596d.pdf

  • How do I get recovery coaching certification?

    manhattan_bridgeOne of the most frequent questions I receive is “How do I get my recovery coaching certification?” The second most frequent question is “How do I get my peer recovery support-specialist certification?”

    A recovery coach and a peer recovery support-specialist (focusing in addiction recovery) execute the same job, the positions simply have a different title. Just like a certified drug and alcohol counselor (CADC) has the same job description as a certified addiction counselor (CAC).

    Peer recovery support-specialists can also be certified to assist individuals in mental health recovery; slowly but surely, states are requiring different certification training for these two different peer classifications.

    The most important considerations in obtaining your recovery coaching credentials are:

    1. Receive your training from an organization that is recognized by your state certification board to give the training (Google the Certification Board in your state, and go to the end of this post for a link).
    2. In the event your state does not offer certification for recovery coaches or peer recovery support-specialists, look up the IC&RC, the International Certification & Reciprocity Consortium, (http://www.internationalcredentialing.org/ ). Read about the Internationally Certified Peer Recovery (ICPR) certification tests from the IC&RC. This IC&RC certification is a credential that is recognized by almost every employer.
    3. Every state has different fees (the IC&RC has fees as well). Expect the following fees: To register for the test: $150-$250. To order study materials: $80-$100. To renew your certification: $100-$150. Renewal is necessary every two-five years. Remember, every state is different in their fee or renewal structure; this is only a guide.
    4. After taking the test, and receiving a passing grade, you are required to complete a certain amount of “practice” or internship hours. These hours vary from state to state. New Jersey requires 500 practice hours. The hours can be completed as a volunteer recovery coach at a social services agency, or as a paid recovery coach at an agency, or with private clients.
    5. These practice hours must be under the supervision of a licensed clinical supervisor (LCS) or certified, recovery coaching supervisor. A licensed clinical supervisor is a licensed counselor, psychologist or social worker that has completed training to oversee the management of other practitioners. Usually one hour of supervision is required for every 40 hours of client contact a coach may have. Documentation of these supervisory sessions are required and will be submitted to the certification board with your certification application.
    6. Once your practice hours and documentation of the supervision are completed, you submit the paperwork to your state’s certification board. When the certification is approved, you are issued the certificate.
    7. It is important you retain this certificate, because every job you apply for will ask for a copy of this document.
    8. Throughout the next few years, you must regularly take continuing education courses for the renewal of your certificate. Every certification board outlines the courses and number of continuing education credits you are required to complete.

    If you want to know where you can take the training courses to be a recovery coach, please go to my web site and look for approved training organizations in your state. Here is a link to this list: http://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/recovery-coach-training-organizations/

  • Recovery Coaching Texas Prison Style

    Kyle Gage PhotoKyle Gage lives in Longview, Texas, and he is a recovery coach. Longview is a little oil and manufacturing town a couple of hours east of Dallas-Ft Worth and about an hour west of Shreveport, Louisiana. The small town has had some illustrious citizens: Forest Whitaker was born in Longview, and Matthew McConaughey went to Longview High School in the ‘80s. Kyle had less of an illustrious impact on Longview.

    A Hard-Earned Recovery 

    Kyle entered his first rehab at 17. He enrolled in a boarding school for troubled teens. He continued in and out of rehab many times, trying to do it his way. At twenty, he knew he had to change, so he attended some NA meetings, through which he stayed clean for about 6 months. Then he used. He tried to keep things under control, and managed to avoid any serious consequences for about a year, but then one day he was pulled over by the police, who found methamphetamine.

    In lieu of jail time, he agreed to treatment. After his treatment episode he remained clean on probation, in part because he was receiving regular tox screens. Staying clean was motivated by his desire to stay out of jail. For 7 months he was sober, but then he started to drink. Eventually, drinking turned to using drugs. Because of his fear of failing a tox screen, he stopped reporting to probation and went on the run. Kyle was picked up a few months later for the probation violation and was sent to the James Bradshaw State Prison in Henderson, Texas.

    He got no help for his recovery in the state prison, drugs being as easily available there as they were on the streets. Upon his release he began using again and was eventually arrested for burglary. He went to treatment but left against medical advice. He went to live at an Oxford House, and remained clean for 2-3 months. The stinking thinking eventually returned, so he drank and drinking led to using. In a very short time, he was arrested. At 26-years-old, he was facing two consecutive ten-year convictions for burglary and grand theft auto. Kyle knew this was serious.

    He asked the judge for help, and the judge gave Kyle ten years of deferred adjudication. Deferred adjudication is a form of a plea deal, where a defendant pleads “guilty” or “no contest” to criminal charges in exchange for meeting certain requirements laid out by the court. In Kyle’s case, these terms were that he go into an inmate drug-treatment program, attend Drug Court upon his release, make a commitment to outpatient treatment, perform community service and complete probation within the allotted period of time ordered by the court.

    Kyle was sentenced to six months at the Clyde M. Johnston Unit, the Texas correctional institution’s Substance Abuse Felony Punishment Facility in Winnsboro, Texas. This facility is Texas’s drug treatment program for offenders. He received a lot of treatment and therapy at the Johnston Unit, where Kyle realized that he needed to embrace recovery.

    Embracing Recovery

    For Kyle, embracing recovery in prison began by helping others: helping others gave him hope. He was the person that led the NA meetings in his dorm. The counselors at Johnston announced that a recovery coaching certification course for the inmates would start at Johnston. They said they only had room for ten men. Kyle applied. He was hoping they would pick him, but he was nervous because he knew that it was very competitive and they were only picking one person per dorm.

    Kyle’s mother found the book Recovery Coaching—A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions on Amazon.com and sent it to Kyle. Kyle read it before he even got accepted into the class, which he eventually was. He excelled in helping others in the Unit embrace recovery. He graduated the recovery coaching class and was even invited to talk to the Unit’s next class of recovery coaches.

    Coaching Other Offenders

    The primary counselor notified Kyle that he wanted him to talk to an offender that was a disciplinary problem. Jason was 19-years-old, (his named has been changed for this post) and faced 10-15 years for aggravated assault. Jason was a first-phase client, which meant he had only been at the Johnston Unit for 30 days. He was a meth addict, and he was having trouble adjusting to the Unit: He had issues with people in his dorm. He didn’t attend AA or NA meetings. He didn’t want to be in recovery. He wanted to give up, and fantasized about “rendering his sentence.” The inmates call it “getting sent back to county.” Rendering a sentence means to go back to the original courthouse and say to the judge “Thanks, but I would rather serve 10 years for aggravated assault than spend any more time in therapy and treatment for my drug addiction.” Sound crazy? According to Kyle, that is what goes through the heads of many offenders. The grip of the addiction is so strong that living life sober is frightening. Many choose to self-sabotage by creating problems, by assaulting or threatening another inmate and receiving an extension of their sentence.

    Jason was referred to Kyle specifically as Jason reminded the counselors of Kyle, with his sleeves of tattoos just like Kyle. Kyle met with him and talked to him about meth, since they shared the same drug of choice. Kyle asked for Jason’s story, and listened. It was different from Kyle’s, but there were many similarities. Kyle shared many of Jason’s traits: Being an outlaw, an outcast, and a gang member. Jason didn’t think the meetings would be beneficial to him. Kyle shared that it was in the 12-step rooms where he truly felt alive.

    Kyle asked Jason about his plan when he gets out of Johnston and allowed Jason to self-actualize as to where he wanted to be in 5 years. Jason broke down and cried during this meeting. He was frightened at what he was facing, he had a lot of anger issues, and he didn’t know what to do. So, Kyle told him what worked for him.

    During the six months that offenders were at the Johnston Unit, there was no chance of them using drugs. The coaches assisted the offenders with embracing recovery, working the 12 steps and learning to use the steps in their daily prison life. Kyle coached men that were violent, had assaulted another men, were disciplinary problems, and where coaching was the last step before they were “sent back to county.” Kyle was there to stop them from rendering their sentence and losing everything. Sometimes an inmate had a family member pass away and the inmate was not granted permission to attend the funeral.  Although this coaching had nothing to do with recovery from drugs or alcohol, the recovery coaches are assigned to console these inmates through the grieving process.

    When inmates were close to being released, having  no experience with 12-step meetings or recovery on the outside, and  having no intentions of asking for help, Kyle gave them some “recovery capital.” He would give them lists of AA and NA meetings near the half-way house to which they were being released.  Kyle would give them information on Community HealthCore, which is a large, social services agency in Texas with outpatient drug and alcohol treatment programs. He would tell them about drug court classes and behavioral health counseling. Kyle and a few of the other recovery coaches in the Johnston Unit were from the Dallas area. When a prisoner would be going to back to the Dallas area, the coaches would refer the offenders to people on the outside who could take them to a meeting.

    Another prisoner, Caleb (his real named also changed) was in the reentry process—in a few weeks he was being released to a half-way house in Beaumont, Texas. Caleb had been in this position before.  As he got  closer to the “door” he became scared, and he was afraid of going back into the real world. He was so sure that he could to do things his way, but in the back of his head, he knew that doing things his way was what had gotten him into prison several times before. Kyle ran the 12-step meetings, and Caleb would attend as a “woodworker” (working wood means doing the absolute minimum, not participating, not getting involved and not believing this program would work for them).

    Kyle was assigned to speak to Caleb.  Kyle asked him what happened after he drank a beer, and Caleb admitted that after he drank one beer, it would soon be a dozen and very shortly, he was thinking about using crack (his drug of choice). Kyle knew this story very well, because it was Kyle’s story. So he shared his story with Caleb. It didn’t seem to work. Caleb kept wood working and didn’t really engage in the program. Caleb was antagonistic, he would challenge the tenets of the program, ask questions about will power, saying recovery was a choice, and that he was “not an addict forever.” He didn’t think that any program would help him, but he knew that if he went out into the real world, he would use again.

    Many offenders self-sabotage their release process by getting into fights and end up staying in prison a few months longer. This happened to Caleb. He remained at the Johnston Unit a few months longer, which was just enough time to let Kyle’s work with him penetrate. Upon his release, Kyle gave Caleb the information on 12-step meetings in Beaumont and he agreed to attend the meetings. Kyle continues to communicate to Caleb, who is sober and has not re-offended.

    At this point, Kyle Gage has been out of the Johnston Unit for about a year. He is wrapping up his Drug Court commitment. He is enrolled in a community college to get his Associates Degree and also works as a new car salesman. Kyle will continue recovery coaching to help himself and others maintain the recovery that he loves.

  • The Sobering Center’s Recovery Coach- George Shea

    interior photo of sobering centerThe Houston Recovery Center

    The Houston Recovery Center and the Sobering Center, is located at 150 N Chenevert St, in Houston, Texas. The Sobering Center employs recovery coaches, case managers and Emergency Medical Technicians (EMTs). At first I thought a Sobering Center was a unique set-up for drunks to “just to sleep it off.” This is how it works: Houston police bring in intoxicated people to the Sobering Center in lieu of jail. Sounds like an easy solution for an alcoholic, yes? But this facility provides much more than an alternative to incarceration for individuals who are intoxicated and on the streets. Inebriate adults remain in the Sobering Center for 5-6 hours and have a recovery coach assigned to them. This recovery coach will suggest detox, rehabilitation treatment and recovery coaching support. The clients begin to develop options for greater self-care and self-determination. Case workers can guide the client toward more stable living arrangements. EMTs check their vitals regularly. At the end of six hours the client is free to walk out and will continue to receive weekly recovery coaching services or the client can elect to participate in a detox and treatment program. What is extremely comforting is, if admitted to the Sobering Center, no one will receive a police record, or an arrest record.

    How did Sobering Centers Start?

    There is a decade-long, upward trend in emergency department (ED) overcrowding and increased jail time for nonviolent offender populations. Homeless, alcohol-dependent people have accounted for a significant portion of this escalating trend. Law enforcement is the first point of contact with intoxicated individuals and the last contact is jail, or the emergency department, so police departments and hospital emergency physicians have been begging for an intervention. As a result, the Sobering Centers were born.

    There are Sobering Centers all over the country, so the concept is not new. Some may be in your city. There is The Sobering Center in San Antonio, the Sobering Center/Inebriate Reception Center in San Diego, The Sobering Center in Redding, California, the San Francisco Sobering Center, the CARE Connection Sobering Center in Santé Fe, New Mexico, and the Dutch Shisler Sobering Support Center in Seattle, Washington. The Dutch Shisler Sobering Support Center has been open for over twenty years, and the San Francisco Sobering Center, opened in late 2003 and has provided over 10 years of care for the homeless population in the Mission District.

    Houston Recovery Center’s Sobering Center has had 14,000 admissions since they opened their doors in 2013. That is an average of 100-150 people a week. Prior to the Houston Center’s opening, police were making about 17,000 arrests a year for public intoxication, racking up between $4 and $6 million in police costs alone. The Sobering Center has reduced that number significantly; from June 2013 to June 2014, Houston police booked just shy of 2,500 people on public intoxication, according to an August, 2014, Houston Chronicle article.

    What is the role of a recovery coach at a sobering center?

    The Center’s recovery coaches and case managers offer the option to sober up for 5-6 hours, 24/7/365. A recovery support specialist is available at any time to have that conversation with anyone sobering up at the Center. There are always three recovery support specialists on duty along with a medically trained technician and a case manager. They walk through the dorms to ensure the clients are okay. The EMT checks on the client’s vitals every thirty minutes. Once a person wakes up, the Recovery Support Specialist’s magic can begin.

    Once such magician is George Shea

    George is a recovery coach that admits clients into the Sobering Center. After a medical intake with an EMT and an assessment with a clinician, George shows the client to the dormitory and assigns the client a bunk. He stays engaged in conversation with the client, if they can remain awake. This conversation is purposeful, to gather information and to find out if the Sobering Center can help them. George is there to find out if there is a problem, or if they want to speak to a counselor so they can find rehabilitation help. If they want to go into treatment, the Sobering Center has connections with several detox centers, and rehabs. If they need a roof over their head, the Center is affiliated with several facilities including a Salvation Army facility and the Star of Hope Mission that is right next door to the center. These are all specifically low- or no-cost options for the individual.

    Yet, some clients leave the Sobering Center without seeking treatment. Any client who has visited the Center can sign up for follow-up recovery coaching calls and receive recovery coaching face to face. George calls clients once a week and asks them to complete various tasks such as formulating their recovery plan. George works with building the recovery capital of these clients, which includes providing clothing, finding housing or arranging for medical treatment.

    George interviews every client before they leave the Center. Paperwork is completed to capture the demographic of the client, and George, again, informs them that detox and treatment are available if they need or want to take advantage of the resources. George is not forcing anyone to make these changes, but he can help. George often relates his story in this process.

    George’s Story

    George grew up in Houston, in an alcoholic family. He began using at 12, and started losing interest in school, and gaining more interest in drugs and alcohol. Eventually he got kicked out of the house at 18, and dropped out of high school. His mother died when he was 20. The family imploded. He was employed as a DJ at a local radio station, and the DJ lifestyle made it easy for him to use. Eventually, his stepmother initiated a family intervention targeting his dad. During family week at the treatment center, his family initiated another intervention, this time with George as the target and he stayed at the same facility for 6 weeks. He left treatment but relapsed immediately with intravenous drug use. He moved to San Diego, California, and limped along, either in feast or famine, in-between addiction and work.

    He couldn’t keep a job or a relationship. His DJ-ing exacerbated the addictive behaviors. He was fortunate to have a small inheritance, but that also fed his addiction. In his late 40s, his health was deteriorating, he was losing his teeth, he had symptoms of diabetes, and finally had enough. He was living in a dilapidated house in Seattle that was going to be torn down. He felt so much shame. He lived an addicted life and continuously put up a front that he was okay. Finally he reached out to his family and asked for help. They said to they would help him, but he had to go to treatment and live in a halfway house in Houston. He had his last drink sleeping in his car outside of a Mexican restaurant, the night before he entered treatment.

    In March 2009, he threw himself into recovery. He became active in a home group, and started doing service. Because of his broadcasting skills, he began producing a recovery radio show. His show is a mix of music and message. The message is that a life in recovery is a positive testament to who you are. The program link is: www.live365.com/stations/docjabbo . When George heard about recovery coaching, he knew he wanted to be a certified Recovery Support Specialist. He completed the CCAR Recovery Coach Academy training at the Center for Wellness and Recovery (http://www.wellnessandrecovery.org/) and started working at the Sobering Center.

    One Life Saved . . .

    George says his role is limited because he has these people for only a short period of time. He gives it his best shot. George gets the full spectrum of clients, some in full denial of their addiction, some aware of their addiction but with interest in changing and others in the middle, wanting to take action but not able to sustain any meaningful sobriety. The amount of brutality experienced by people living on the streets was truly an eye opener for George. Sometimes he hears from a client he helped. Like this guy from Michigan, his name is Richard, and he came into the Center about two years ago. He opened up to George about how he had ruined his life, and lost his wife and children. Richard is a craftsman who works with his hands but was homeless. In the past two years, George had gotten him into several detox and recovery programs, and yet Richard would relapse and come back to the Sobering Center. Richard would commit that he is on board to get sober, then he’d relapse, and come to talk to George. Richard is now enrolled in Cenikor, in their two-year treatment program. Cenikor is a well-respected treatment program with locations in Texas and Louisiana, where the clients live at the facility, work for the program, and as residents receive job training and career planning. George sees something in Richard that he doesn’t see in many of his clients. Richard may fall, but he keeps getting back up. That gives George a feeling of hope for him. And perhaps George’s coaching is making a difference in Richard’s life.

     

  • Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

    The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

    Childhood experiences

    The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

    Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

    So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

    The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

    What can these addicts do to change?

    As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

    These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

    A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

    How does a healthy person think about love?

    A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

    Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

    A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

    Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

  • The Dance of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant

    A love addict knows they do not want an emotionally unavailable partner, and the love avoidant knows they want an emotionally distant mate. Yet, the love addict and love avoidant still end up being attracted to each other.

    The love addict, having experienced childhood emotional and/or physical abandonment, will look for someone who can dance of a love avoidant love addict“rescue” them. The love avoidant, having experienced childhood enmeshment, will look for a person to “rescue.”

    Love avoidants recognize and are attracted to the love addict’s strong need to be rescued, or their fear of being abandoned. Avoidants know that they have control with a love addict. All they have to do to trigger their partner’s abandonment fear by being distant or threatening to leave. Love avoidants, whenever they pull that ‘I am leaving’ trigger, use it so they are in control. This allows them to be distant, to escape and avoid intimacy whenever they want. The avoidant’s behavior makes the love addict do anything to keep the avoidant, anything at any cost in order not to be abandoned. This interplay is what we refer to as “the dance.”

    What does the love addict/love avoidant dance look like?

    The love addict enters any relationship in a haze of fantasy, whereas the love avoidant feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as “needy,” even though the avoidant is unsure of their long-term staying potential in the relationship. The dance of the love addict and love avoidant goes something like this:

    Love Addict: “I am SOOOOO happy…I met this man and he’s everything I’ve always wanted…he has a fantastic job, loves travelling and loves children. We’re trying to see each other every day and I text him every morning, we talk at least 20 times a day… ”

    Avoidant: “I met this girl, I’m not too sure about her, but she’s nice, I mean…I may as well give it a try…”

    The love addict uses denial to protect their addictive rituals and fantasies, not wanting to look at the avoidant building up walls and starting to back away. The love avoidant, in order not to be controlled and to fulfil his or her duty, appears to be two things: being available to help, maybe even being sexually available, but hiding behind a wall that protects the avoidant from any emotional connection.

    Love Addict: “It’s great, I mean, he works a lot – weekends included – and with his volunteer commitments, we don’t spend a lot of time together but that’s okay….Guess what? He’s invited me for a get-away weekend at the beach!

    Avoidant: “OK…I’d better give her something or she’s really going to get mad….I’m going to send her flowers and maybe book a hotel room at the beach….”

    Something happens and reality comes crashing in on the love addict, the fantasy of a relationship with the perfect person is destroyed. The love addict enters  emotional withdrawal from the fantasy and in this withdrawal phase they experience an overwhelming sense of pain, shame, rage or panic. At the same time, the love avoidant starts to feel controlled or smothered. An entitlement characteristic comes forth and the avoidant says they deserve their independence, their life, they have work or family responsibilities, etc. The avoidant turns from the white knight into a wall of brick.

    Love Addict: “You’ll never believe it…first he said he’d phone me and then he didn’t. At the last minute, he cancelled the weekend at the beach because he needed to work… I don’t know how I can get through this: I feel rejected, abandoned, alone.

    Avoidant: “I can’t believe she’s so angry about me cancelling the trip… I have to work. Where does she think the money comes from for the gifts, the dinners, the flowers? I’m through with her, I am done, this relationship is too much work….”

    To return to the fantasy, and avoid feeling this sense of helplessness and hopelessness, the love addict either medicates, obsesses about the person or starts getting even. The love avoidant begins to feel hurt, and remembers that this is why he choose not to get close in a relationship, they create distance, and wants to numb out. The avoidant will numb out by creating an intensity outside of the relationship, often with substances, risk taking, or by sexually acting out.

    Love Addict: “I’m useless and I will die alone as a bag lady, and homeless. No one wants me. How am I going to live on my own? Maybe if I change, if I go on a diet, say I am sorry…”

    Avoidant: “I can’t breathe anymore… She is always telling me what she needs, wants… Gee, I need some space…I need to relax… I’ll just have this one drink (or joint, affair, etc.).”

    The final part of the dance is for the love addict to return to the fantasy with the same love avoidant partner or find a new love interest…and for the love avoidant they will either return to the relationship with the love addict because they subconsciously fear being alone, and return out of guilt, or they will move on to a new partner.

    Love Addict: “He called me, it’s fantastic! I think he is going to ask me to marry him!” or “You won’t believe it, I met a new guy, he just split up with someone…”

    Avoidant: “If I ask her to marry me, she’ll forgive me for my affair…” or “I can’t handle her anymore…so I met this girl last night…”

    What if you identify with the love addict or the love avoidant ?

    The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned. They are two sides of the same coin. Both have experienced childhood trauma, both need to learn about how to face their fears, and their abandonment traumas. Both need to embrace a desire to achieve healthy intimacy with their partner.

    If you find yourself enmeshed in this ‘Dance”, consider speaking to a professional. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health has certified therapists in your area that may be able to help.