RecoveryCoachNewYorkCity.com

Category: love avoidant

  • What is a recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this article, I hope to define some different recovery coaching titles for those interested in becoming a recovery coach, what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches. If you are reading this to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is “an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey”. Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this article, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is required. If you want recovery coaching certification, google this term with the region you live in. For addition recovery coaching education, I suggest: adding certification for treating co-occurring disorders, training on the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, also certification for counseling individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders. If you would like to work in an inpatient treatment center, drug and alcohol counseling certification maybe required.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include coach supervision certification, which is training for individuals who want to manage other recovery coaches. Also there is an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching. A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program or a professional recovery coach certification from Recovery Coaches International. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches, developing a coaching relationship with a client outside of the clinical treatment. They can escort a client home from a treatment center and stay with the client for a period of time, insuring they do not relapse after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents. Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own coaching business. They will visit clients or talk with them over the phone or on SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator or will seek referrals from therapists. The client is billed directly for the coaching services, there is no insurance coverage for a recovery coach.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$18 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than five years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Care Act and the legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts, recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

     

  • Lions, Tigers, Bears and the Yellow Brick Road to Recovery

    This is a guest post by Steve Devlin, a recovery coach from Philadelphia PA, and a long time friend. I chose to post this over the Holiday weekend, because it brings me such joy, and brings back wonderful memories of watching the Wizard of Oz on TV during the 60’s. Thank-you Steve, and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.

    Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz.  Some of you might be looking at your computer and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I beg for your patience and to hear me out.  First a caveat or two.  I represent only myself in this message.  The second caveat is this message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting.  The person who said it gave me permission to use it.  So here we go!

    We all know the Serenity Prayer.  “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange place, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard.  On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.

    So what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery?  We cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far, we are swept up in the tornado (or drug of our choice).  Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes we land in a new brightly-colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery.  Yet our own work is just beginning.  There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety.  We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone.  There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness.  However, as we follow the path we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others.  A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance.

    The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears.  It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends.  It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.

    Finally, there is wisdom, which gives us the ability to see choices in our lives and to know what we can and cannot change.  After long periods of feeling tied up like a scarecrow on a post, we are set free to walk a brick road of new life.  Of course, finding these three companions to fight back addiction is only part of the story and the Emerald City is not the ultimate destination.  Our companions bring us to the shining light of recovery, but we must take the gifts back home and use them in our daily lives outside of the rooms.

    I wish recovery was as easy as clicking our heals together.  Finding our way home takes work but with heart, courage, and wisdom we can overcome all the flying monkeys and stay out of the way of tornadoes.  We also learn that the greatest companion of recovery is gratitude which was always just in our own backyard.

    Question: Who are your companions on the brick road?

  • Getting through the tough times

    As a recovery coach, I often see my clients need help getting through the tough times, without using, picking up or acting out. Recently, I personally encountered some rough patches in my life, so, I went to my library of recovery books. Several years ago, when I was experiencing trouble living life on life’s terms, I became an avid reader of Pema Chodron.

    Pema Chodron Celebrates her 80th Year

    Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun, she was born in 1936, in New York City, and is celebrating her 80th year. After a divorce, in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Buddhist teacher Lama Chime Rinpoche, and she studied with him for several years. She became a novice Buddhist nun in 1974. Pema moved to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia in 1984, ­­­to be the director of Gampo Abbey and worked to establish a place to teach the Buddhist monastic traditions (waking before sunrise, chanting scriptures, daily chores, communal meals and providing blessings for the laity). In Nova Scotia and through the Chodron Foundation, she works with others, sharing her ideas and teachings. She has written several books, and in my time of deep spiritual need, I went to her book “When Things Fall Apart”.

    A Compassionate Tool

    Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives helped me. There is not only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches several approaches that involve moving toward the painful situation and relaxing us to realize the essential groundlessness of our situation. It is in this book, I discovered a simple breathing exercise, I can use during these chaotic times so I can move into a better space. Pema advocates this tool as a breathing exercise, although this exercise could also be considered a mindful meditation.

    I use Chodron’s tool whenever and wherever life hits me below the belt. I share this tool with my clients. It is all about breathing and consciously repeating words to yourself to accompany the breathing. Since we breathe every day, it is indiscernible whether you are using this tool as you travel on the bus commuting home from work, in a conference room with your boss, or when you are feeling low and want to curl up in a ball and die.

    Breathe

    Breathe. Pema explains in her book, when things get way too complicated; step back and breathe. When the force of the world, the politics of the U.S., Great Britain or Italy start weighing heavily on your mind, breathe. When you look at all the pain around you and feel powerless to do anything, breathe.

    Pema explains, inhale and say silently to yourself breathe in the pain, then exhale and say breathe out relief. Then, inhale, and say silently to yourself breathe in the relief, and exhale and say breathe out the pain. I find I need about 15 minutes of conscious breathing, breathing in the pain and breathing out relief, works for me. After doing this, I find I have new energy or something else crosses my path to move me into a more uplifting space.

    Chodron’s exercise places me in a space I need to be. If I continue to be in that “negative space” of worry or feeling powerless, then absolutely nothing will be accomplished that day. I know we all have something to accomplish every day, whether it is just getting out of bed, taking a shower and brushing our teeth or running a Fortune 500 company, this exercise gets us from zero to ten in fifteen minutes. It is the boost we need.

     So, I invite you to try this simple exercise…and remember…keep breathing

     

  • Why Can’t You Do the Dishes? Part 2

    This week’s guest blogger, Jeff Garson from Radical Decency Group, shares with us a very common example of a partner/spouse/husband/wife interaction. A husband and wife are about to leave for work and his wife, looking at a sink filled with breakfast dishes, says, “Why can’t you do the dishes?” A fight ensues.

    What could have happened is an honest, problem solving discussion; that is, mutual and authentic exchange. Instead, the typical outcome is a cycle of escalating attacks and counter-attacks.

    As a child of our fight or flight culture, the wife, ever vigilant to the possibility of attack, sees the dirty dishes as evidence of danger: That her needs are being ignored; that love is being withdrawn. With her fight or flight physiology activated, her words seek to deal with the perceived source of the attack: Her husband, evidenced by his past behaviors including, very particularly, the choices he’s made in the run-up to this current interaction.

    The husband is equally focused on the immediate past; moving into defense mode; judging and criticizing the words that just came out of her mouth. Why? Because in his culturally reinforced, overly vigilant state, he also feels under attack: Unappreciated, devalued, unloved.

    What is so sad in all of this is that there is nothing to defend – on either side. As a functioning couple, they have each put enormous amounts of time and energy into the relationship and are vitally invested in seeing it continue. Beneath the bickering is a vast reservoir of trust and love. So, the perceived attacker isn’t a source of danger at all. He/she is, instead, the other partner’s staunchest ally in life.

    Given this reality, the couple would be better served by focusing, not on illusory dangers from the recent past, but instead on the near future. Why? Because they each want to increase the love flowing back and forth between them, and the best way to do that is to focus on what they do next, rather than picking apart choices already made.

    Here’s how it would work.

    The wife wants to be loved in a specific way – by coming home to a clean kitchen. So she would ask for what she longs for: “Honey, it makes me feel great when you do the dishes before you leave in the morning.”

    Now, he is set up for a positive, loving response (“sure, I’ll do my best to do it”) rather than a defensive counter-attack (“I am not a bad person for forgetting to do the dishes this morning”). Alternatively, he might acknowledge her desire but say, “My mornings are really tight. Taking time to do the dishes is tough.”

    Importantly note this; that if this second alternative is his authentic response, the couple is still set up for a positive outcome. With defensiveness eliminated and the needs of both partners on the table – hers, for a completed chore (and a concrete expression of love); his, for a routine that accounts for the pressures he feels – creative problem solving can flow from the common goal, shared by both partners: How can I best meet my needs AND the needs of this partner I dearly love?

    A similar transaction can also be initiated from the husband’s end of the conversation. Instead of rising to the bait of her nascent reactivity ( “why can’t you do the dishes”) with a counter-attack, he can thank (yes, thank!) his wife for raising the issue. Why? Because he now has a more vivid roadmap for loving her. And in this frame of mind, he will be able, once again, to move toward a forward-looking outcome that attends, with equal attentiveness, to his needs and hers.

    While this different way of treating our intimate partner may seem a little unusual and strange, it is only because we are so relentlessly pushed toward very different ways of thinking, feeling and acting. The sad reality is that these more loving techniques are seldom taught and find precious little reinforcement in our culture.

    Hopefully, this post has introduced some healing correctives in your intimate relationships – and in all other areas of living as well.

    Jeff Garson, a Philadelphia based psycho -therapist and attorney, is the originator of Radical Decency and his weekly blog called Reflections.   If you want to contact Jeff or the Decency Group, or if you want to be added to the Reflections e-mailing list, contact Jeff at info@thedecencygroup.com.

    The Reflections, published weekly by The Decency Group, explore the philosophy’s application in all areas of living — from the most private and personal to the most public and political. Earlier Reflections are available at www.radcialdecency.com.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 4

     innocence-en-dangerHow can you protect yourself from a Catfisher or an online predator?

    Why do they do what they do? Catfishers want something from you. These are people that are not motivated by love, but are driven by money, perverse sexual desires and criminal intent.

    • Money is usually the first thing predators want from adult contacts
    • They want to win you over and manipulate you, so you begin to desire them in a sexual way and that means you will begin to trust them
    • They will use your photographs and distribute them to other online predators, they will re-post the pictures online in sexual forums or just enjoy your photographs themselves, privately
    • They want to have conversations with you, texting or otherwise, in order to get sexually aroused during the conversation
    • Any of the above contacts will enable these predators to black-mail, extort or rape you

    Scary Stats

    There are some scary statistics on Catfishers or online predators.

    • An estimated 725,000 people are aggressively pursued online for sex or extortion annually in the US
    • In 2005 alone, 25% percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims
    • In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers”
    • Reports say victims of these romance scams have lost over fifty million dollars—however authorities know this figure is much higher because many victims are too embarrassed to report the incidents
    • Every 2 minutes a person in America is sexually assaulted
    • 1 out of 4 children in the U.S. have been sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex by an online predator
    • Each year Internet predators commit over 16,000 abductions, over 100 murders, and thousands of rapes
    • Over 39,000 verified Registered Sex Offenders have profiles on social media sites
    • 1 out of 5 kids have been solicited for sex on the Internet
    • 1 out of 4 kids have been contacted online by a person not representing themselves in a true or accurate way
    • Only 25% of kids tell parents or adults about any online encounters
    • 77% of the time, the targets for online predators are usually in the 11-14 year-old-age range
    • 25% of children that were surveyed were exposed to unwanted pornographic material

    Dating Safety Tips

    Online dating often leads to offline dates, which may end up as a successful relationship. However, before you meet someone in person, take all the time you need to get well-acquainted with this person, so there is hopefully nothing to worry about when you meet face-to-face. Sexual assault on a date is definitely not an everyday occurrence, nonetheless, you need to ensure your personal safety when planning to meet someone for a first date. Take the time to really get to know a person and dangerous incidents are less likely to occur.

    The predators need to be exposed, if you or anyone you know has been contacted by an online predator or has received unwanted solicitation from someone online, call the police and notify the social networking site on which the contact was made.

    • NEVER give out your personal information or home address online, even giving out the town you live in can reveal too much information to a predator
    • Don’t reply to social media messages from people you don’t know
    • NEVER meet face-to-face with someone you have just met online, give yourself and the contact at least 3 weeks to get to know each other before a face-to-face is planned
    • Never download image files from an unknown source, they could contain sexually explicit images that could put you in a compromising legal situation
    • Avoid chat rooms or discussion forums that are sexually proactive
    • If you receive uncomfortable or frightening material, end the communication, block the person from contacting you and report them to the dating site or the social networking site
    • If you receive an unwanted solicitation call 911, contact the dating site or the social networking site and report the perpetrator immediately

    Sexual assault and date rape are definitely not common occurrences when meeting an online date. Read and follow the safety advice for first date meetings that have been outlined on your online dating site, so you are well-prepared. In addition, here are some of tips that will be useful too.

    • Always take the time to get well-acquainted with someone before you plan a meeting. Talking to this person online or on the phone for three weeks is a good amount of time to ensure this person is safe to meet
    • Bookend the date, which means you notify a friend where the date is, whom the date is with and when the date starts and then again, contact the same friend when you leave the date, to ensure you are home and are safe
    • Meet in a public place, like a restaurant, coffee shop, and drive your own car or know the public transportation schedule in order to leave to catch the last bus. At no time should this first date drive you home
    • While on the date, always be very aware of your surroundings. Keep an eye on your drink at all times. Date rape drugs are very easy to drop into any drink. Drinking coffee with a lid on the cup is probably your best defense against this kind of occurrence
    • Getting a girl drunk is a common ploy for a predator, so watch how much alcohol you drink. In fact, many online dating site guidelines do not recommend going to a bar or having a drink on the first date
    • Be cautious during your first few meetings with this person. Have the dates in open public places and stay away from dark and deserted situations
    • Never go to this person’s home or to a hotel until months into your dating experience

    What do you do if you have been assaulted?

    If you believe you may be a victim of sexual assault, the first thing you should do is immediately contact the police and report the crime, no matter how small you might think the crime is. It is common for victims to blame themselves in a case of assault, however you must always remember that this predator had absolutely no justification to attack you. It is also very important to protect your health, go to the hospital and request to have a sexual assault forensic exam, the staff will administer some tests that are compiled into what is sometimes known as a “rape kit.” These exams will preserve possible DNA evidence and you will receive important medical care. You don’t have to report the crime to have this exam, but the process gives you the chance to safely store evidence, should you decide to report the crime at a later time.

    • If you feel you cannot handle going to the hospital alone, try asking an understanding family member or friend to escort you to the hospital.
    • If necessary, you can also speak with a rape hotline operator, an experienced therapist or social worker who can help you deal with it. For more information, reference the local hotlines and services that are featured below
    • If you choose not to have a sexual assault forensic exam, it is also a good idea to to go to a clinic or to see a doctor who can test you for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
    • To find a location near you that performs sexual assault forensic exams, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (656-4673) or talk to your local sexual assault service provider

    Here are some National Resources for Victims of a Catfisher

    General Information:

    Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)                             https://www.ic3.gov/                                                                                                           A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

    National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

    National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.

    National Organization for Victim Assistance: Founded in 1975, NOVA is the oldest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States as the recognized leader in this noble cause.

    National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.

    U.S. Department of Justice: National Sex Offender Public Website: NSOPW is the only U.S. government Website that links public state, territorial, and tribal sex offender registries from one national search site.

    The National Center for Victims of Crime: The mission of the National Center for Victims of Crime is to forge a national commitment to help victims of crime rebuild their lives. They are dedicated to serving individuals, families, and communities harmed by crime.

    Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse:

    National Child Abuse Hotline: They can provide local referrals for services. A centralized call center provides the caller with the option of talking to a counselor. They are also connected to a language line that can provide service in over 140 languages. Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD (800-422-2253)

    Darkness to Light: They provide crisis intervention and referral services to children or people affected by sexual abuse of children. Hotline calls are automatically routed to a local center. Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

    Cyber Tip Line: This Tipline is operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Can be used to communicate information to the authorities about child pornography or child sex trafficking. Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (800-843-5678)

    National Children’s Alliance: This organization represents the national network of Child Advocacy Centers (CAC). CACs are a multidisciplinary team of law enforcement, mental and physical health practitioners who investigate instances of child physical and sexual abuse. Their website explains the process and has a directory according to geographic location.

    Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (888-773-8368)

    Justice for Children: Provides a full range of advocacy services for abused and neglected children.

    Domestic, Dating and Intimate Partner Violence:

    National Domestic Violence Hotline: Through this hotline an advocate can provide local direct service resources (safe-house shelters, transportation, casework assistance) and crisis intervention. Interpreter services available in 170 languages. They also partner with the Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Center to provide a videophone option. Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

    National Teen Dating Abuse Online Helpline: This online helpline assists teens who are, or may be, in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365

    Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: The center serves abused Americans, mostly women and children, in both civilian and military populations overseas. In addition to providing domestic violence advocacy, safety planning and case management, the center assists victims with relocation, emergency funds for housing and childcare, and funds for payment of legal fees. International & Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN (866- 879-6636) (Available 24/7/365)

    National Coalition against Domestic Violence: The national coalition of Domestic Violence organizations is dedicated to empowering victims and changing society to a zero tolerance policy. Call the Nat’l #DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233) if you or someone you love is a victim and needs help

    Incest:

    (See also resources on Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse above)

    Survivors of Incest Anonymous: They provide information on how to find incest survivor support groups in your area and empowers individuals to become survivors and thrivers.

    GirlThrive: Girlthrive Inc. honors teen girls and young women who have survived incest and all sex abuse through thriverships, opportunity and education.

    Stalking

    Stalking Resource Center: The Stalking Resource Center is a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Their website provides statistics on stalking, information on safety planning and other resources.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 2

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionAre you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

    I recently returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this blog post, to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers or scammers.

    I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers. The good news is that you can protect yourself by learning how to spot a phony while dating online. Tyler Cohen Wood is an expert in social media and cyber issues. She is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book — Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life, and has outlined these indicators that the person you are speaking to online, may be a catfisher.

    1.What if this person won’t video chat?

    Using SKYPE, FaceTime, Google Hangouts or even SnapChat with a person whom you meet online is normal practice in online dating. If a person makes excuses every time you want to SKYPE, consider it a red flag. Be concerned if the area code of their cell number is a not listed in the domestic list of area codes or they cannot come up with a good reason they have such a number. Areas codes that start with 473, 809, 284, 649, 654 and 876 are international, and are known to have been used for scams. Also be aware if there is a very bad connection every time you speak to them (such as a poor international connection) or no voicemail is attached to the number. This person is hiding something that they don’t want you to know.

    2. What happens when you Google them?

    Almost everyone in the United States has some sort of Internet presence. It is very rare that someone would have none at all. If you do basic research, such as conducting a search using a portal like www.WhitePages.com, www.Spokeo.com, or by looking through social media sites, and can’t find anything about this person, that is also a red flag. Most professionals will at least have a LinkedIn page. If you cannot find anything on the Internet about a person, they might not be telling you their real name, which again, is a red flag. However, anyone can very easily create a fake LinkedIn or Facebook page, so be cautious.

    3.Check public records.

    Do some reconnaissance by using search engines to find public records- www.intelius.com, or www.publicrecords.searchsystems.net. If a person says they own a house, you will be able to easily see where it is and how long they have lived there. You can also find legal documents like bankruptcy filings, divorce records and death records.

    4.Do they send real time photos of themselves?

    When people are communicating online, they will frequently send each other selfies, in real time. During a conversation, ask to see a photo of the person right then. If they refuse, or make some excuse, again, another red flag. If they have only sent you one or two photos, it is likely that they took those photos from someone else’s Facebook page or from somewhere else on the Internet. Don’t be fooled by photos of kids, or the snap of a potential romantic interest with his elderly Mom. We all post photos of our family members on our Facebook page! Do a reverse image Google search — right-click on their photos, copy the URL, and paste in the box at images.google.com. Google will then search for other sources of that image online.

    5.How many “real” friends and work colleagues are on this person’s social media sites? How many people communicate with this catfisher?

    You can get to know a lot about a person’s friends and family based on the banter they engage in on social media. How many posts are started by the potential catfisher? How many responses? Does the person seem to have real friends who carry on real conversations? Do they tag their photographs? On LinkedIn, do they have colleagues who have endorsed them? Contact a few friends for a reference check.

    6. Do they deflect or never answer your questions when you ask detailed, specific questions?

    Do they avoid answering your probing questions? Do you find that they deflect from your original question and the subject changes? Do you stop probing as a result? These too are warning signs. If you feel as if you are the only one sharing information and they are not giving away any details, consider this, yep, a red flag.

     

    Next week I will continue with Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that you are talking to a predator online and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself.

  • 20 Question Assessment – Is this a healthy relationship?

    two people on a beachAs a recovery coach I guide a lot of people in the “realm” of healthy relationships. Many ask — is this a healthy relationship? Some clients have not been in a relationship for several years, and are attempting to dip their toes into dating. Others might have just left a relationship, and are trying to figure out whether to stay away from a former lover. Even more of my clients who are in relationships can’t figure out if the relationship is healthy or not.

    Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

    My coaching clients know the “type” of person they want, but realize they keep picking the same unhealthy man or woman, just in a different body. They return time and time again to these relationships because they seem comfortable, reminding them of their family, or first marriage etc. When this happens I urge my clients to actively try to change the relationship selections they make. It is often very difficult for someone to see if the relationship they are in is healthy or unhealthy. I often review the qualities of a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with them. Do these attributes describe your relationship?

    • Healthy-Equality — Partners share decisions and responsibilities. They discuss roles to make sure they are fair and equal.
    • Unhealthy-Control — One partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, or tells the other person what to wear or who to spend time with.
    • Healthy-Honesty — Partners share their dreams, fears, concerns with each other. They tell each other how they feel and share important information.
    • Unhealthy-Dishonesty — One partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One partner keeps secrets or withholds information from the other.
    • Healthy-Physical Safety — Partners feel physically safe in the relationship and respect each other’s physical space.
    • Unhealthy-Physical Abuse — One partner uses force to get his/her way (grabbing, hitting, slapping, shoving).
    • Healthy-Respect — Partners treat each other like they want to be treated and accept each other’s opinions, friends, and interests. Partners in a healthy relationship stop what they are doing, look their partner in the eye and listen to each other.
    • Unhealthy-Disrespect — One partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner. He or she may not show any care for your property or throw out your personal possessions.

    Is This a Healthy Relationship? — 20 Question Assessment

    I suggest answering these questions to figure out if you are in a healthy relationship?

    1. Has your partner shared their hopes and dreams for the future, such as where s/he wants to live 5 years from now?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    2. Do you and your partner discuss what to do regarding a holiday weekend’s activities? Yes [   ] No [  ]
    3. Do you flinch when your partner makes a sudden action with his/her arms?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    4. Do you go to your bedroom in order to avoid interaction with your partner?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    5. Do your feelings matter to your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    6. Would you call your partner’s humor cynical, cutting or belittling?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    7. When you suggest something to be completed in the manner you would like, are your suggestions ignored?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    8. Do you feel like you have to hide things (gifts, clothes, make-up) from your partner? Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    9. Does your partner compliment you in front of others?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    10. Can you mention something you like or admire about your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    11. Is your partner glad you have other friends and activities?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    12. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    13. Does s/he talk about her/his feelings?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    14. Does s/he really listen to you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    15. Does your partner have a good relationship with his/her family?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    16. Does your partner have good friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    17. Do you and your partner spend time with these friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    18. Does s/he have interests besides you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    19. Does s/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for his/her failures?  Yes [   ]   No [    ]
    20. Does your partner respect your right to make decision that affects your own life?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]

    If you have answered “NO” to more than 12 of these questions, I suggest you look into how to cultivate a healthier relationship, perhaps by seeking the advice of a counselor or therapist.

  • Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

    The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

    Childhood experiences

    The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

    Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

    So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

    The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

    What can these addicts do to change?

    As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

    These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

    A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

    How does a healthy person think about love?

    A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

    Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

    A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

    Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

  • Others in the Dance of Love….

    Others in the Dance of Love….

    A few more members are joining us in the Dance of Love

    Being AmbivilentLike Goldilocks, women (mostly) are all looking for the “three bears,” all in one man. Not too hot (average looking), not too cold (balanced ego) and is just right (financially self-supporting). Goldilocks often fantasizes that her perfect mate has a little bit of the great characteristics from all of her former lovers, such as from former relationship #1, the characteristic of the caring guy that gives her presents, or the handy man-car mechanic from former relationship #2 or the paternal instincts of former relationship #3. When Love Addicts fantasize about someone, they cannot let it go, even if their love interest is emotionally unavailable or toxic. By toxic, I mean their love interests are abusive, controlling, narcissistic or addicted to something.

    The Torchbearer

    Love Addicts who obsess for years over one person are called “Torchbearers.” This used to be called unrequited love. This kind of love addiction, more than any other, breeds by fantasies and delusions. Flash to the image of a tween’s bedroom with the current teen idol’s poster on her wall. Torchbearers often believe that their infatuation is reciprocated (returned). However, Torchbearers can develop erotomania — a delusion in which a person believes that another person (typically of higher social status) is in love with them.

    The Relationship Addict

    If the Love Addict is not in love anymore, but is just hanging in there for the companionship, they are a Relationship Addict. I describe these in a gender description of a woman, however, these characteristics can exist in a man as well. The non-committed, emotionally unavailable man (love avoidant) pairing with an overly attentive female (love addict) who is willing to hang in there, no matter what, is a surprisingly a common type of relationship. Ever wonder about the woman in a fifty-year marriage to an emotionally distant, overly sports-focused male, and ask “Why?”

    The Player

    Today, we might find an “eager to sow their wild oats” young adult, and describe them as a “player.” Is this person unable to commit to an emotionally intimate partner? Perhaps they are fearful of emotional vulnerability and afraid to get involved in a relationship that may challenge them. By being vulnerable to a mate, would that make them less of an independent person? Again, these descriptions apply to any gender, man or woman. Players are really love ambivalents.

    The Love Ambivalent

    In therapy, ambivalent individuals recall feeling humiliated, at some point, in their young childhood for being too emotional. Parents may have conveyed that “big boys don’t cry” or girls shouldn’t be a “drama queen.” They recall making a silent vow to never display any needs or emotional weaknesses. For them, the sad result is they reject the emotions needed for deep and intimate attachments. They are fearful of chastisement or criticism when they show emotions. They don’t cry at sad movies. They sign birthday cards to their children with a “luv ya.” They are often termed as cold and uncaring. They never share their feelings nor can they ever express their true selves, vulnerable feelings and all. What saves many of these ambivalents, is there is at least one person with whom they can feel safe, a grandfather, an aunt or sometimes a friend.

    When the ambivalent reads about the love addict or love avoidant, they identify with them both, feeling somewhat split, personality-wise, between the two. They want love, but turn away when love gets a bit too intimate. When I refer to love addicts and love avoidants being two sides of the same coin, that coin is really the love ambivalent.

    The love ambivalent eventually tires of running around, ages out of being a player or sees their love interest maturing to the next level of commitment. Fearing being left alone (yes, abandonment plays a large part in an ambivalents’ life, as well) they will commit to the latest person in their lives. This can bring a feeling of relief to the ambivalent’s partner/love addict/love interest, at first. But as the marriage progresses, unless the ambivalent has worked out a better way to communicate, show vulnerability and understand how to be intimate, the ambivalence continues. The partner finds themselves with an unreadable partner on whom they cannot depend for the plain old logistics of family life, let alone their own emotional needs.

    Are you a love ambivalent?

    The challenge is not to overly analyze how you feel or think about your ambivalence but rather to reflect on the various decisions that you make after making a commitment to someone. Consider this: decide daily (and I do mean daily) to be faithful, honest, thoughtful, loving, and so forth — or identify if you choose to run away, pick a fight, or turn to an addiction. Obviously, romantic, intimate relationships should be loving and certainly more good than bad, but expect that sometimes you might act in ambivalent ways with your partner or family. Learn from these situations and improve upon them the next time you encounter a similar situation. Being perfect is being just plain unrealistic. So, be ambivalent, but then decide to behave in ways that are consistent with your new values and emotional commitment.

    Lesson learned.