RecoveryCoachNewYorkCity.com

Category: pornography addiction

  • What is a recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this article, I hope to define some different recovery coaching titles for those interested in becoming a recovery coach, what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches. If you are reading this to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is “an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey”. Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this article, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is required. If you want recovery coaching certification, google this term with the region you live in. For addition recovery coaching education, I suggest: adding certification for treating co-occurring disorders, training on the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, also certification for counseling individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders. If you would like to work in an inpatient treatment center, drug and alcohol counseling certification maybe required.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include coach supervision certification, which is training for individuals who want to manage other recovery coaches. Also there is an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching. A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program or a professional recovery coach certification from Recovery Coaches International. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches, developing a coaching relationship with a client outside of the clinical treatment. They can escort a client home from a treatment center and stay with the client for a period of time, insuring they do not relapse after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents. Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own coaching business. They will visit clients or talk with them over the phone or on SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator or will seek referrals from therapists. The client is billed directly for the coaching services, there is no insurance coverage for a recovery coach.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$18 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than five years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Care Act and the legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts, recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

     

  • Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly

    Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly is a new documentary by writer-director Justin Hunt and is narrated by Metallica’s James Hetfield.

    The movie is not about James Hetfield. Hetfield’s connection to the film is solely based on his connection with Hunt after the two worked on Hunt’s previous film Absent, a documentary about disengaged and absent fathers. Hetfield, who grew up without a father, spoke candidly in that movie—about his road to recovery.

    Hunt named the film as a nod to a scientific study where painted cardboard butterflies were used to see if male butterflies would be more attracted to the larger, more ornate butterflies. Guess what? They were. The analogy? Humans who choose a two-dimensional sexual exchange versus the real thing.

    There is no sex or porn education in schools, so porno films are serving as the only educator kids can find on sex. Then, guess what? Kids get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and think that is the way to be sexual, romantic or intimate. Well, it doesn’t work that way.

    Don Hilton, the neurologist in the film, explained that viewing porn can create the same chemical reaction as cocaine use—activating endorphins and the delta FosB. “The reason I wanted to include the portion about the brain in the film,” Hunt told writer, Dorri Olds for an exclusive interview published in theFix.com, “was because many try to discredit the idea of an addiction to porn.” He described naysayers who said porn is impossible to define. “An image I think is pornographic may not be to somebody else,” said Hunt, “so I had to come up with a common denominator. For the purpose of this film, the word ‘pornography’ refers to sexual images that cause the chemical reaction in the viewer’s brain.”

    It’s easy to draw parallels to alcohol and drug addiction. Another parallel is what Hunt called the shame cycle. Porn addicts use sexually explicit images to manage their mood. After indulging in the compulsive behavior, they then feel ashamed. That shame creates anxiety, so they watch more porn to calm their nerves. It is the same circular shame spiral that exists in substance abuse.

    Hunt said, “I’ve interviewed people who said, ‘The only way I knew how to stop feeling bad was to look at porn, but the reason I felt so bad was that I’d looked at too much porn.’ My first film, American Meth, was about drug addiction.

    “By the way, Absent wasn’t about James Hetfield—it was about the impact of absent fathers. You can have that father wound and turn it into something positive, like James did with his music. While we were making that movie, we built a friendship based on paternity—or should I say, the fraternity of fatherhood. [Laughs] We talked about our kids, parenting, being husbands, so when I discussed this project with him we both felt it was important to try to make a difference in the world. That’s why he decided to be a part of this and help me out. I commend him because he did this right as the band’s new album was coming out and touring. It’s not like he was sitting around with nothing to do.”

    There have been many movies about porn, but they’ve been about the industry, about adult film stars. Those weren’t about the brain or what Hunt calls the “porn progression.” Another remarkable aspect is that he created the whole movie without any provocative imagery. I asked him if that was intentional to avoid including any possible triggers for pornography addicts.

    “Yes, a big problem with documentaries about porn is that people struggling with that issue can’t watch those films because they become triggered. You can’t make a movie to help people with an addiction, and then fill it full of triggers. That’s like me saying, ‘Dorri, I think you have a drinking problem, let’s go have a beer and talk about it.’”

    The movie is not anti-porn. Hunt calls it “porn informative.” He believes the topic should be more openly talked about. Hunt said, “We’re just letting you know that porn addiction is a real thing and we need to start having conversations about it.”

    Another important issue the film raises is how technology is allowing people to be exposed at an earlier age and at a much higher rate. “We know how it affects the brain and we know that young kids’ brains are not ready for that. They get into public schools and public education, but there is no education on sex or porn so the porno films are serving as the educator. Then, guess what? They get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and it doesn’t work that way.”

    The movie shows one couple whose relationship is being destroyed by the husband’s addiction to porn. Hunt said this could have easily been a seven-hour movie. “There are so many different avenues that we could have gone down,” said Hunt. To fit everything into a movie-length film, Hunt said his goal was to expose people to the idea that kids are learning about intimacy and sexuality from porn. A doctor in the film points out, “Kids are learning about sex from ejaculations to the face. That’s what they’re learning about sex and romance and intimacy.”

    Hunt has three children, 16 and 13, and a three-year-old daughter. I asked if he had broached the topics of drugs, alcohol, and pornography with the two teenagers.

    “Yeah,” said Hunt. “They’ve been with me through the entire process of working on these films, and they’ve been on stage with me and they’ve watched me speak. They’ve watched the newspaper and the magazine articles come out. They’ve gone to radio spots with me, so they’ve seen this. They’ve seen the impact that drug addiction has, and they’ve seen the four-year process of making this film and what porn can do. That’s one of the beautiful side effects of what I do for a living—my kids get to see and learn.”

    It seems his kids are open with him. “My daughter is in eighth grade and she told me that she knows of sixth graders who are texting nude photos of each other back and forth on Snapchat.”

    He pointed out that because of technology, “we’re choosing synthetic relationships over authentic relationships. We’re not seeing the beauty in the people before us because we’re buying into the myth of what we’re seeing on computers and smart phones and movies. That’s just sad because we’re missing out. We’re destroying the essence of women and we’re buying into this imitation beauty.”

    He said 88% of the scenes in porn have aggressive behavior of some kind, physically or verbally. The other thing to consider is how many of these films make people seem like objects. They’re objects for release. That’s all they are. And that’s what kids are learning when they’re watching porn in those formative years.

    Hunt said, “When young people are naturally going to want to learn about sex and relationships and sexuality and intimacy, instead of learning courtship and humanity, they learn a selfishness, a way to just get theirs. One of the guys that I interviewed who didn’t make it into the film, was a juvenile therapist. He said there’s a massive increase in anal sex and oral sex amongst teenagers because of porn. They are mimicking what they see.”

    Another part that had to be cut for length reasons was about a porn-addicted pastor. “We had an entire segment on how prevalent porn has become in the church,” said Hunt. “He was busted because his wife had gone away for the weekend at a time when he was really deep in his addiction. While she was gone he’d spent the entire weekend on the computer looking at porn. She got back when he was in bed reading. She tried to get on the computer but it crashed. When she rebooted it, all these sexual images came up. She said, ‘Hey, can you come here for a second?’ He got out of bed in his underwear and went over to her. She said, ‘What’s this?’ And that’s how he was busted; exposed. He’s standing there in his underwear exposed, at the moment his addiction was exposed.”

    At that point Hunt looked at his watch and said, “We’ve been talking for 36 minutes, right? That’s 120 million searches for porn that have happened since you and I began talking.”

    As our conversation was coming to a close, I asked him who his target audience for the film was. He laughed and said, “I’m going to go with a quote from the movie Argo: ‘People with eyes.’ The average age that people start actively looking for porn is about 10 years old. One in three porn addicts are women, 58% of divorces cite porn as one of the reasons, and 67% of men look at porn once a week at least. It affects the whole human demographic.

    “When you look at someone you can often tell if they’re an alcoholic or a drug addict, but you can’t look at anyone to see if they’re a porn addict. Also, getting back to the topic of the brain, your brain can purge coke when you stop using it. It can purge alcohol. But you can’t purge these pornographic images completely out of your mind.”

    I asked Hunt if he was in recovery from an addiction. “No,” he said, “never done a drug in my life and have never been addicted to anything else either.” So, why did he become interested in addiction? “I saw people facing problems. When we made American Meth, people weren’t talking about the topic all that much. Far Too Far came from what was left over in my brain from making American Meth. I turned it into a narrative that was based on a true story where a woman on meth pulls her ear drum out with pliers because she thinks the FBI is listening to her thoughts. When we made Absent, people weren’t talking about absent fathers like they are now. I hope that my new film will open up a conversation about porn addiction.”

    This article was written by Dorri Olds and was originally published at www.thefix.com on 02/05/17

  • Lions, Tigers, Bears and the Yellow Brick Road to Recovery

    This is a guest post by Steve Devlin, a recovery coach from Philadelphia PA, and a long time friend. I chose to post this over the Holiday weekend, because it brings me such joy, and brings back wonderful memories of watching the Wizard of Oz on TV during the 60’s. Thank-you Steve, and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.

    Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz.  Some of you might be looking at your computer and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I beg for your patience and to hear me out.  First a caveat or two.  I represent only myself in this message.  The second caveat is this message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting.  The person who said it gave me permission to use it.  So here we go!

    We all know the Serenity Prayer.  “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange place, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard.  On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.

    So what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery?  We cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far, we are swept up in the tornado (or drug of our choice).  Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes we land in a new brightly-colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery.  Yet our own work is just beginning.  There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety.  We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone.  There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness.  However, as we follow the path we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others.  A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance.

    The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears.  It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends.  It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.

    Finally, there is wisdom, which gives us the ability to see choices in our lives and to know what we can and cannot change.  After long periods of feeling tied up like a scarecrow on a post, we are set free to walk a brick road of new life.  Of course, finding these three companions to fight back addiction is only part of the story and the Emerald City is not the ultimate destination.  Our companions bring us to the shining light of recovery, but we must take the gifts back home and use them in our daily lives outside of the rooms.

    I wish recovery was as easy as clicking our heals together.  Finding our way home takes work but with heart, courage, and wisdom we can overcome all the flying monkeys and stay out of the way of tornadoes.  We also learn that the greatest companion of recovery is gratitude which was always just in our own backyard.

    Question: Who are your companions on the brick road?

  • Getting through the tough times

    As a recovery coach, I often see my clients need help getting through the tough times, without using, picking up or acting out. Recently, I personally encountered some rough patches in my life, so, I went to my library of recovery books. Several years ago, when I was experiencing trouble living life on life’s terms, I became an avid reader of Pema Chodron.

    Pema Chodron Celebrates her 80th Year

    Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun, she was born in 1936, in New York City, and is celebrating her 80th year. After a divorce, in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Buddhist teacher Lama Chime Rinpoche, and she studied with him for several years. She became a novice Buddhist nun in 1974. Pema moved to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia in 1984, ­­­to be the director of Gampo Abbey and worked to establish a place to teach the Buddhist monastic traditions (waking before sunrise, chanting scriptures, daily chores, communal meals and providing blessings for the laity). In Nova Scotia and through the Chodron Foundation, she works with others, sharing her ideas and teachings. She has written several books, and in my time of deep spiritual need, I went to her book “When Things Fall Apart”.

    A Compassionate Tool

    Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives helped me. There is not only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches several approaches that involve moving toward the painful situation and relaxing us to realize the essential groundlessness of our situation. It is in this book, I discovered a simple breathing exercise, I can use during these chaotic times so I can move into a better space. Pema advocates this tool as a breathing exercise, although this exercise could also be considered a mindful meditation.

    I use Chodron’s tool whenever and wherever life hits me below the belt. I share this tool with my clients. It is all about breathing and consciously repeating words to yourself to accompany the breathing. Since we breathe every day, it is indiscernible whether you are using this tool as you travel on the bus commuting home from work, in a conference room with your boss, or when you are feeling low and want to curl up in a ball and die.

    Breathe

    Breathe. Pema explains in her book, when things get way too complicated; step back and breathe. When the force of the world, the politics of the U.S., Great Britain or Italy start weighing heavily on your mind, breathe. When you look at all the pain around you and feel powerless to do anything, breathe.

    Pema explains, inhale and say silently to yourself breathe in the pain, then exhale and say breathe out relief. Then, inhale, and say silently to yourself breathe in the relief, and exhale and say breathe out the pain. I find I need about 15 minutes of conscious breathing, breathing in the pain and breathing out relief, works for me. After doing this, I find I have new energy or something else crosses my path to move me into a more uplifting space.

    Chodron’s exercise places me in a space I need to be. If I continue to be in that “negative space” of worry or feeling powerless, then absolutely nothing will be accomplished that day. I know we all have something to accomplish every day, whether it is just getting out of bed, taking a shower and brushing our teeth or running a Fortune 500 company, this exercise gets us from zero to ten in fifteen minutes. It is the boost we need.

     So, I invite you to try this simple exercise…and remember…keep breathing

     

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 4

     innocence-en-dangerHow can you protect yourself from a Catfisher or an online predator?

    Why do they do what they do? Catfishers want something from you. These are people that are not motivated by love, but are driven by money, perverse sexual desires and criminal intent.

    • Money is usually the first thing predators want from adult contacts
    • They want to win you over and manipulate you, so you begin to desire them in a sexual way and that means you will begin to trust them
    • They will use your photographs and distribute them to other online predators, they will re-post the pictures online in sexual forums or just enjoy your photographs themselves, privately
    • They want to have conversations with you, texting or otherwise, in order to get sexually aroused during the conversation
    • Any of the above contacts will enable these predators to black-mail, extort or rape you

    Scary Stats

    There are some scary statistics on Catfishers or online predators.

    • An estimated 725,000 people are aggressively pursued online for sex or extortion annually in the US
    • In 2005 alone, 25% percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims
    • In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers”
    • Reports say victims of these romance scams have lost over fifty million dollars—however authorities know this figure is much higher because many victims are too embarrassed to report the incidents
    • Every 2 minutes a person in America is sexually assaulted
    • 1 out of 4 children in the U.S. have been sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex by an online predator
    • Each year Internet predators commit over 16,000 abductions, over 100 murders, and thousands of rapes
    • Over 39,000 verified Registered Sex Offenders have profiles on social media sites
    • 1 out of 5 kids have been solicited for sex on the Internet
    • 1 out of 4 kids have been contacted online by a person not representing themselves in a true or accurate way
    • Only 25% of kids tell parents or adults about any online encounters
    • 77% of the time, the targets for online predators are usually in the 11-14 year-old-age range
    • 25% of children that were surveyed were exposed to unwanted pornographic material

    Dating Safety Tips

    Online dating often leads to offline dates, which may end up as a successful relationship. However, before you meet someone in person, take all the time you need to get well-acquainted with this person, so there is hopefully nothing to worry about when you meet face-to-face. Sexual assault on a date is definitely not an everyday occurrence, nonetheless, you need to ensure your personal safety when planning to meet someone for a first date. Take the time to really get to know a person and dangerous incidents are less likely to occur.

    The predators need to be exposed, if you or anyone you know has been contacted by an online predator or has received unwanted solicitation from someone online, call the police and notify the social networking site on which the contact was made.

    • NEVER give out your personal information or home address online, even giving out the town you live in can reveal too much information to a predator
    • Don’t reply to social media messages from people you don’t know
    • NEVER meet face-to-face with someone you have just met online, give yourself and the contact at least 3 weeks to get to know each other before a face-to-face is planned
    • Never download image files from an unknown source, they could contain sexually explicit images that could put you in a compromising legal situation
    • Avoid chat rooms or discussion forums that are sexually proactive
    • If you receive uncomfortable or frightening material, end the communication, block the person from contacting you and report them to the dating site or the social networking site
    • If you receive an unwanted solicitation call 911, contact the dating site or the social networking site and report the perpetrator immediately

    Sexual assault and date rape are definitely not common occurrences when meeting an online date. Read and follow the safety advice for first date meetings that have been outlined on your online dating site, so you are well-prepared. In addition, here are some of tips that will be useful too.

    • Always take the time to get well-acquainted with someone before you plan a meeting. Talking to this person online or on the phone for three weeks is a good amount of time to ensure this person is safe to meet
    • Bookend the date, which means you notify a friend where the date is, whom the date is with and when the date starts and then again, contact the same friend when you leave the date, to ensure you are home and are safe
    • Meet in a public place, like a restaurant, coffee shop, and drive your own car or know the public transportation schedule in order to leave to catch the last bus. At no time should this first date drive you home
    • While on the date, always be very aware of your surroundings. Keep an eye on your drink at all times. Date rape drugs are very easy to drop into any drink. Drinking coffee with a lid on the cup is probably your best defense against this kind of occurrence
    • Getting a girl drunk is a common ploy for a predator, so watch how much alcohol you drink. In fact, many online dating site guidelines do not recommend going to a bar or having a drink on the first date
    • Be cautious during your first few meetings with this person. Have the dates in open public places and stay away from dark and deserted situations
    • Never go to this person’s home or to a hotel until months into your dating experience

    What do you do if you have been assaulted?

    If you believe you may be a victim of sexual assault, the first thing you should do is immediately contact the police and report the crime, no matter how small you might think the crime is. It is common for victims to blame themselves in a case of assault, however you must always remember that this predator had absolutely no justification to attack you. It is also very important to protect your health, go to the hospital and request to have a sexual assault forensic exam, the staff will administer some tests that are compiled into what is sometimes known as a “rape kit.” These exams will preserve possible DNA evidence and you will receive important medical care. You don’t have to report the crime to have this exam, but the process gives you the chance to safely store evidence, should you decide to report the crime at a later time.

    • If you feel you cannot handle going to the hospital alone, try asking an understanding family member or friend to escort you to the hospital.
    • If necessary, you can also speak with a rape hotline operator, an experienced therapist or social worker who can help you deal with it. For more information, reference the local hotlines and services that are featured below
    • If you choose not to have a sexual assault forensic exam, it is also a good idea to to go to a clinic or to see a doctor who can test you for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
    • To find a location near you that performs sexual assault forensic exams, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (656-4673) or talk to your local sexual assault service provider

    Here are some National Resources for Victims of a Catfisher

    General Information:

    Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)                             https://www.ic3.gov/                                                                                                           A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

    National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

    National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.

    National Organization for Victim Assistance: Founded in 1975, NOVA is the oldest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States as the recognized leader in this noble cause.

    National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.

    U.S. Department of Justice: National Sex Offender Public Website: NSOPW is the only U.S. government Website that links public state, territorial, and tribal sex offender registries from one national search site.

    The National Center for Victims of Crime: The mission of the National Center for Victims of Crime is to forge a national commitment to help victims of crime rebuild their lives. They are dedicated to serving individuals, families, and communities harmed by crime.

    Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse:

    National Child Abuse Hotline: They can provide local referrals for services. A centralized call center provides the caller with the option of talking to a counselor. They are also connected to a language line that can provide service in over 140 languages. Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD (800-422-2253)

    Darkness to Light: They provide crisis intervention and referral services to children or people affected by sexual abuse of children. Hotline calls are automatically routed to a local center. Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

    Cyber Tip Line: This Tipline is operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Can be used to communicate information to the authorities about child pornography or child sex trafficking. Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (800-843-5678)

    National Children’s Alliance: This organization represents the national network of Child Advocacy Centers (CAC). CACs are a multidisciplinary team of law enforcement, mental and physical health practitioners who investigate instances of child physical and sexual abuse. Their website explains the process and has a directory according to geographic location.

    Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (888-773-8368)

    Justice for Children: Provides a full range of advocacy services for abused and neglected children.

    Domestic, Dating and Intimate Partner Violence:

    National Domestic Violence Hotline: Through this hotline an advocate can provide local direct service resources (safe-house shelters, transportation, casework assistance) and crisis intervention. Interpreter services available in 170 languages. They also partner with the Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Center to provide a videophone option. Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

    National Teen Dating Abuse Online Helpline: This online helpline assists teens who are, or may be, in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365

    Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: The center serves abused Americans, mostly women and children, in both civilian and military populations overseas. In addition to providing domestic violence advocacy, safety planning and case management, the center assists victims with relocation, emergency funds for housing and childcare, and funds for payment of legal fees. International & Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN (866- 879-6636) (Available 24/7/365)

    National Coalition against Domestic Violence: The national coalition of Domestic Violence organizations is dedicated to empowering victims and changing society to a zero tolerance policy. Call the Nat’l #DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233) if you or someone you love is a victim and needs help

    Incest:

    (See also resources on Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse above)

    Survivors of Incest Anonymous: They provide information on how to find incest survivor support groups in your area and empowers individuals to become survivors and thrivers.

    GirlThrive: Girlthrive Inc. honors teen girls and young women who have survived incest and all sex abuse through thriverships, opportunity and education.

    Stalking

    Stalking Resource Center: The Stalking Resource Center is a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Their website provides statistics on stalking, information on safety planning and other resources.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to a Catfisher—Part 3

    manhattan_bridgeAre you talking to someone on line? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

    Last week I outlined some typical characteristics and warning signs of interacting with an online scammer. I will continue outlining Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that the person you are speaking to online may be a catfisher.

    Ms. Wood is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book, Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life. Here are some more indicators you should be aware of when you are using an online dating service:

    1. Do their stories match up? Complete a reference check!

    If someone is pretending to be someone they’re not, they may have a difficult time keeping up with their fake persona. Colleges are the easiest reference to check. Call the alumni office to verify whether this person is in the alumni directory. When I wanted to check on one individual, I emailed his LinkedIn colleagues, and asked if they know “this person,” yes, I really did!  One scammer was so bold he had me speak with his daughter who was home visiting from college, and when I asked her how Boulder was, she blanked. She was supposedly attending the University of Colorado.

    1. Check the times of the calls. By the way, how is their spelling or their command of the English language?

    I have been contacted by many international catfishers, and for some reason, they will never call between 12:00am and 6:00am Sri Lanka time (2pm EST-8pm EST). We all make silly spelling mistakes, but if the person you are communicating with uses strange grammar and continuously makes odd spelling mistakes, maybe these writings are all coming from Google Translation, so proceed with caution.

    1. You will receive everything you would want to hear from a Prince Charming

    “You are so beautiful,” “I think you are someone special,” “I love you” or you receive a marriage proposal, sometimes all within the first twenty-four hours of meeting this person online. Need I say red flag to this one?

    1. In the first few days, are the communications hot and heavy with frequent emails, texting and contact? What happens next?

    My experience with scammers is that it takes five to seven days of hot and heavy intrigue, seduction, in pursuit of the development of trust. Then it is time for the “ask.” Some catfishers may take up to a month and work it very slow, all during which time, red flags are still appearing. Usually this period of time is accompanied by the building up of the “story.” This story could be a “colossal break,” a deal so big they can retire on it, or they are working on the opportunity of a lifetime. Once they know they have your trust, there then follows a disaster. A partner pulls out of the deal, leaving the scammer high and dry. Or they need to fly to Europe immediately, and they need some cash to finalize the deal. They may need large amounts of cash to be sent in order to complete business obligations. They need to bribe corrupt local officials, or they may have been “robbed” and lost all of their belongings. Just about any story will do, and it is usually a large amount of money that will satisfy them. What is totally amazing is that if you say no, it will not stop the scammer from asking again and again.

    There are a great variety of scripts scammers use to ask for money. The first step is appearing on a dating or social media site with a fake profile and credentials. Some scripts, or roles these scammers use portray them as an American soldier stationed overseas, a businessman from the United States who spends the majority of his time traveling internationally, or the entrepreneur who has the biggest international deal of a lifetime knocking at his door, usually involving oil, diamonds or gold.

    Catfishers follow similar scripts in regard to the role of their family members. The scammer is often a widower, spending too many years grieving for the dead partner, and you are the first person that really “gets” him. There are always kids, all very smart, but they are studying abroad. There are also possessions, more than one house, vacation timeshares, and an antique sports car. All plenty of stuff to check online, but there isn’t any record online, so beware!! Most important to remember, is that once the money is transferred, the scammer simply disappears, leaving you with a broken heart and an empty bank account. There is little chance of prosecution or recovery since these scammers are often located in other countries.

    Of course, not everyone is out to scam you. There are plenty of legitimate individuals seeking a partner on these dating sites. My sister and her husband met online. The intention of this post is not to make you paranoid. Ultimately, if you’re doubting this situation – you’re most likely right. If you encounter some of the scenarios and warning signs I have listed above, end the relationship immediately, never arrange a date and never, ever give this person any money. Be the fish that got away.

    Next week, I will discuss ways that you can protect yourself from online predators.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher

    manhattan_bridgeAre you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scalawag or a con?

    How Monica Draper, a 55-year-old, Ontario-based graphic designer lost $100,000 is not unheard of. How could she fall in love with a notorious, online Lothario, who had an outstanding warrant out for his arrest? Monica accepts that her money is gone. But she is still amazed that the fellow she met on the dating website, Plenty of Fish, was able to so easily abscond with her money, as well as the life savings of at least a half-dozen other women. The truth is she was “catfished.”

    A catfisher is the new name coined to describe a bottom-dwelling human who spends a great deal of time on the Internet in various locations like online dating sites, LinkedIn and Facebook, luring people into romances and then stealing their money. A catfisher uses fake pictures, bogus profiles and cunning manipulation, drawing their victims into a state of trust through infatuation. Often the victim has low self-esteem and insecurity with their image and when a person online appears to be interested in them, bingo, a match is made! The victim falls hard for this Romeo, who they deem out of their league. In truth, the seducer is faking it. And is running this con on other people, as well. In short, a catfisher is a scammer. The prevalence of online dating predators grows more copious every day.

    According to research, 4,288,595 people per month use Match.com, and visit the site a total of 26,200,000 times a month. The total Match.com membership is 15 million people. The total eHarmony membership is 20 million lonely hearts.

    Comparing that to the total number of single people in the United States, which is 54 million, it is not possible that half the single U.S. population has membership in an online dating site! Especially when the trade journal, Online Dating Magazine, estimates that there are more than 2,500 online dating services in the U.S., alone, with 1,000 new online dating services opening every year. Some estimates say there are 8,000 competitors worldwide. That means many people join three or more dating sites.

    On the free dating sites, at least 10 percent of new accounts are from scammers, says Marketdata Enterprise, Inc. Interested in catfishing, anyone?

    Dinner for Six, a matchmaking service in Denver, Colorado, says that 51 percent of online dating members are putting themselves out there as being single, when, in fact, they are in some kind of relationship. According to MSNBC, research shows that 11 percent of people using online dating services are married.

    More than 53 percent of Americans fabricate parts, or all of their dating profile details, according to the Huffington Post. Some lies are so blatant, like weight or height, that their dates can spot the untruths in the first few seconds of meeting them. In fact, a third of those surveyed said falsified information is so prevalent, that it prevents them from going on a second date.

    More than 40 percent of men try to swoon women by lying about their jobs, trying to make their careers sound more prestigious. It makes sense that every woman wants a guy with a great job, for example a guy in the entertainment industry is more interesting than someone selling tickets at the local movie theater. eHarmony mentions that a study found men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 received 156 percent more email than those declaring an income of $50,000. That’s 156 percent more gold-diggers! So guys, think twice about whether you want to post your personal income.

    In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers.” The reporting victims lost over fifty million dollars. But it’s suspected that these numbers are much less than actual, as many people are too embarrassed to come forward.

    In 2005 alone, 25 percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Let me repeat that: twenty-five percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Each year Internet predators commit more than 16,000 abductions, 100 murders and thousands of rapes, according to InternetPredatorStat.homestead.com.

    I personally returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this post — to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers.

    Next week I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers.

     

     
     

  • 20 Question Assessment – Is this a healthy relationship?

    two people on a beachAs a recovery coach I guide a lot of people in the “realm” of healthy relationships. Many ask — is this a healthy relationship? Some clients have not been in a relationship for several years, and are attempting to dip their toes into dating. Others might have just left a relationship, and are trying to figure out whether to stay away from a former lover. Even more of my clients who are in relationships can’t figure out if the relationship is healthy or not.

    Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

    My coaching clients know the “type” of person they want, but realize they keep picking the same unhealthy man or woman, just in a different body. They return time and time again to these relationships because they seem comfortable, reminding them of their family, or first marriage etc. When this happens I urge my clients to actively try to change the relationship selections they make. It is often very difficult for someone to see if the relationship they are in is healthy or unhealthy. I often review the qualities of a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with them. Do these attributes describe your relationship?

    • Healthy-Equality — Partners share decisions and responsibilities. They discuss roles to make sure they are fair and equal.
    • Unhealthy-Control — One partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, or tells the other person what to wear or who to spend time with.
    • Healthy-Honesty — Partners share their dreams, fears, concerns with each other. They tell each other how they feel and share important information.
    • Unhealthy-Dishonesty — One partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One partner keeps secrets or withholds information from the other.
    • Healthy-Physical Safety — Partners feel physically safe in the relationship and respect each other’s physical space.
    • Unhealthy-Physical Abuse — One partner uses force to get his/her way (grabbing, hitting, slapping, shoving).
    • Healthy-Respect — Partners treat each other like they want to be treated and accept each other’s opinions, friends, and interests. Partners in a healthy relationship stop what they are doing, look their partner in the eye and listen to each other.
    • Unhealthy-Disrespect — One partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner. He or she may not show any care for your property or throw out your personal possessions.

    Is This a Healthy Relationship? — 20 Question Assessment

    I suggest answering these questions to figure out if you are in a healthy relationship?

    1. Has your partner shared their hopes and dreams for the future, such as where s/he wants to live 5 years from now?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    2. Do you and your partner discuss what to do regarding a holiday weekend’s activities? Yes [   ] No [  ]
    3. Do you flinch when your partner makes a sudden action with his/her arms?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    4. Do you go to your bedroom in order to avoid interaction with your partner?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    5. Do your feelings matter to your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    6. Would you call your partner’s humor cynical, cutting or belittling?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    7. When you suggest something to be completed in the manner you would like, are your suggestions ignored?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    8. Do you feel like you have to hide things (gifts, clothes, make-up) from your partner? Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    9. Does your partner compliment you in front of others?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    10. Can you mention something you like or admire about your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    11. Is your partner glad you have other friends and activities?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    12. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    13. Does s/he talk about her/his feelings?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    14. Does s/he really listen to you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    15. Does your partner have a good relationship with his/her family?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    16. Does your partner have good friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    17. Do you and your partner spend time with these friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    18. Does s/he have interests besides you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    19. Does s/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for his/her failures?  Yes [   ]   No [    ]
    20. Does your partner respect your right to make decision that affects your own life?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]

    If you have answered “NO” to more than 12 of these questions, I suggest you look into how to cultivate a healthier relationship, perhaps by seeking the advice of a counselor or therapist.

  • Fortify-A free online program to help battle pornography addiction

    Fortify-logoWhat would be better than a free program for individuals 20 years and younger to use to battle their porn addiction? After all, statistics show that 93% of all boys have been exposed to pornography by the age of 18, and 70% of these boys have spent at least 30 minutes viewing porn at least once. Of the entire population of young men, only three percent have never viewed porn, and of the entire young female population, only 17% have never viewed porn. So no matter what you might think — your child has viewed porn.

    Fortify is a perfect tool to help change behavior and it is designed to be used on any device, a smartphone, tablet, laptop or desktop computer. It is free, and does not require any parental approval to download. The program is also available for adults that find themselves in the throes of a pornography addiction.

    Young people between the ages of 13-20 will have free access to the Fortify Program, thanks to the generous donations of others. For anyone else 21 years of age or older the cost is $39. Fortify suggests each adult subscriber donate $39. to cover the fee for one teenager, this sponsorship is optional. Of course, for those adults who are able, Fortify will gladly accept additional sponsorships.

    Once a login username and password have been issued, the user will always have access to the Fortify Program. The Fortify Program has fifty-two short videos that cover the science of addiction, the harms of pornography, tools and other helpful information to empower the user to overcome pornography. It is recommended to move through the software in 3 months to fully complete the Fortify program, but everyone’s recovery pace varies. Just as everyone’s level of addiction is different, everyone’s recovery will be different.

    There are some really interesting features, like a calendar called “battle tracker” that will allow the user to record victories and setbacks. Not only can a user record the day that they had a setback but also the time, location, and device used. Tracking this information will help them see trends and triggers, allowing for necessary changes to be made.

    The Fortify Program is largely self-directed. The commitment to, and application of what is learned, is vital to any success. It is not just watching some videos to fix the addiction. This is going to take work. Fortify is not just a standalone solution to a pornography addiction. Along with help from a therapist, and/or group therapy, individuals can stand united in this battle against pornography addiction. It is a good idea to find a clinician who understands pornography addiction and the Fortify Program. It is recommended to engage with a 12-step, mutual support group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and/or Sex Addicts Anonymous which can help adults in this recovery process, as well.

    If you’ve got more questions, email the creators of Fortify at info@fortifyprogram.org.