Tag: disagreements

One of my clients, Caroline, is a brilliant woman who has hit bottom, very, very hard. She is an Ivy League-educated woman, mother of three, and the wife of a wealthy professional in the suburbs of Chicago. But unfortunately, she drinks. After two years in and out of five rehabs, of countless detox stays, restraining orders and divorce proceedings, she is now 8-weeks sober and living in a homeless shelter in the city center of Chicago. She is working with a family reunification therapist to slowly piece together the relationship she lost with her teen-aged children. Caroline expressed to me that she is afraid her past actions have permanently affected her children, so much so that they will reject her and hate her, forever:

“I am having an especially hard time with my “past mistakes.” The Daily Reflections yesterday spoke to me about leaving the past baggage behind, which of course I would love to do, but it’s hard. I feel terrible and ashamed of the things I did. I try to stay in the present but right now, in the family therapy sessions, my past mistakes are coming up in such big ways and will continue to do so when I see my children in supervised therapy. I can’t imagine what they think of me, a homeless drunk. I don’t know how to help them put the past behind, but I guess that’s what the therapist is for.”

I shared with Caroline some thoughts about having an especially hard time with mistakes from the past. Sometimes, I told her, how we deal with our personal mistakes is by beating  ourselves up, by not letting go of a mistake we have made and/or worrying about what other people think about that mistake. Yet, in our recovery, we have an opportunity to let go of those old tapes. However, the tapes that are playing, over and over, in our heads, are actually old tapes from our childhood, remembering how our parents treated us when we made a mistake. Perhaps they “beat us up” either emotionally or physically, or both. Well, it is time to let those old tapes go, because they were never about you and the mistake you made. They were really about your parents who were triggered by your actions into reliving the mistakes they made, and then reacting to them.

Not letting go is part of our addiction. Let’s say this: we are hardwired for compulsive thought. It is part of us, and in our sobriety our compulsive thought is switched from one focusing on drugs and alcohol (or work, sex, gambling or purchasing things) to something more productive and positive. Just as you are successfully turning off the compulsive thought about using or acting out, it’s time to switch off the compulsive thought about not being good enough and beating up yourself over your past mistakes. You can use these slogans: “Let go, let God,” “lesson learned,” “what is in the past is in the past.” They should be the new words, the new mantra you use to combat these destructive and negative tapes.

What do other people think about your mistakes? Research proves they think very little about your mistakes. Yes, I know it is your kids, your husband and/or your parents and you worry about what they think of you or how they judge you. But honestly, that same research shows people really don’t spend that much time thinking about you. As much as you think they do, they don’t. Your kids are thinking about what to wear to school, what the new girl in history class thought about what them, or your husband is concerned about the bills or the next Harvard Alumni meeting. The fact is your neighbors don’t think about you at all! Yes, maybe a little gossip in the parking lot of the school, but truly, that two-minute exchange is dwarfed by them worrying about what people think of them. So let that go. People care about themselves. They think about themselves. (Just like you are thinking about yourself, right now?)

Now here is the most important part of my conversation with Caroline. “I don’t know how to help them put the past behind them.” Caroline is a co-dependent. She is always doing, doing for others. She has placed herself behind her husband, his business, and her children for more than twenty years. It got her a little angry sometimes, and so she drank. Well, things got a little out of hand when she began drinking alcoholically. Caroline thinks she can help her kids put the past behind them. But, she can’t. That is her kids’ job. Yes, she recognizes that a therapist can help her children. But still she wants to do their job for them. No she can’t rob her children of this opportunity. The life lesson her kids will learn about putting things in the past and forgiving, will be one of the biggest “Ah-ha” moments they will have.

I explained to Caroline the only way that she will be in her kids lives going forward is if she is sober. She said she knew that. The only way she can help her children put the past behind them, is by emulating that for them, by doing a 9th step, by making her amends. She seemed to digest that comment. Today, she had a lengthy session with the reunification therapist, so I am hoping Caroline will call me tonight.

The following post, I am angry — How do I fight fair?, is the fourth post in my HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) series of blog posts. This post is about anger and a particular client, and how he might have better conversations with his girlfriend, even when they start out with hot-headed disagreements and potentially explosive discussions.

First, I asked my client to describe what kind of person he is. Does he like a good debate? How does he conduct himself in an adversarial discussion? Does he avoid conflict at all costs? What about criticism? Does he interpret it, or disagreement, as an attack on him? Will he use a verbal dagger to stab his opponent, only to regret it later? Does he lose his head when an argument ratchets up a notch? Or does he back away, withdraw and become silent when he is angry? Is it his style to dredge up everything a person has done in the past to use as a weapon? Will he cry to get sympathy, or storm out of the room to end a discussion, all together?

In response, he laughs, and says, “at one time or another, all of the above have been characteristic of my ‘discussion’ style.” He asks, “How do I fight fair?”

Regardless of the nature of most relationships, conflict happens. For many of us, conflict creates significant discomfort, and we revert to “fall back” modes of handling it. As I mentioned in a blog post last month, it’s typical to retreat to what we learned as children, that being in a conflict situation with someone means you are going to get out of control, start acting like a child, and/or become aggressive. The truth is, conflict is a normal human component, just as normal as joy, happiness, and sadness. If handled appropriately, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, improve intimacy and our understanding of each other.

Conflict happens when two people disagree about their perceptions, desires, ideas, or values. It is not about the other person being a bad person. It is a disagreement about viewpoints. If you focus solely on the disagreement, dealing with conflict becomes easier. Fair fighting is a way to manage conflict effectively and the feelings that come with it. To fight fairly, you can follow several basic guidelines to help keep your disagreements from becoming entrenched or destructive. You may find this difficult when you think another’s point of view is irrational or just plain unfair. But remember, he or she may think the same thing about your ideas.

1. Take your conversations into a private room or office. Consider the damage that fighting in front of your children can inflict. It can scar them emotionally, especially if you don’t have the self-control to contain the conversation. An argument conducted in front of your peers will likely be destructive to your career. Moving to another location will give you the opportunity to gather your wits, and can help you remain calm. By remaining calm it is more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.

2. Keep what is in the past, in the past. Don’t bring up previous fights or heated discussions that don’t pertain to a current discussion. I have a household rule: You get one chance to criticize a behavior or action, and discuss it. Then it is gone, off limits for any discussion going forward. Throwing every complaint from the past into today’s argument resolves nothing. It is often a behavior of someone that knows they are losing credibility and uses this deflection tactic as a last defense. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It’s almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which recollections may differ.

3. Talk about what is really bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to process. Stay on topic, and deal with only one issue at a time. If you don’t focus on what really bothers you, you will come away from this exchange frustrated at not having your needs met, or being heard. Avoid back-stabbing or hitting below the belt. As your blood pressure rises, you get into fight mode rather than resolution mode. Simply avoid attacking your partner personally. Saying things like “Your father always did that” or “You can’t keep it in your pants,” guarantees the conversation will deteriorate beyond the point of resolution. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability. Accusations will lead others to focus on defending themselves rather than on understanding you. Instead, talk about how someone’s actions made you feel.

4. Give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement. Avoid following them through the house, yelling at their back or screaming and kicking at a closed door (yes, that’s a form of violence!). How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended— perhaps in the form of an apology or a suggestion to discuss it at a later time. That’s a signal that it is time to end the discussion even if the matter is not resolved to your satisfaction. Recognizing this opens the door to resolution at another time and gives your partner that all too critical face-saving way out of the disagreement.

5. Set a time limit. Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely. Having the last word, never automatically makes you the winner. Let the last word go, walk away, and have that last word with yourself, outside or in the basement, alone.

In my next post, I’ll focus on step-by-step guidelines for fighting fair.