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Category: Sex Addiction

Sex Addiction

  • What is a recovery coach?

    In 2013, I published Recovery Coaching – A Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions, since then the duties and responsibilities of recovery coaches, peer recovery support specialists and professional recovery coaches have expanded significantly.

    In this article, I hope to define some different recovery coaching titles for those interested in becoming a recovery coach, what certifications they should seek, the places they could work and what they can anticipate as compensation for their work.

    What kind of certification should a future recovery coach receive?

    Recovery coach training and certification is a requirement in this field. Coaching certification and training is one of the fastest growing aspects of the healthcare field. The number of recovery coaching training and certification courses has expanded to over 300 institutions nationwide. Many employers require recovery coach and peer recovery support specialist certifications. In the links section of this web site is a state by state listing of all the organizations that offer certifications for addiction recovery coaches. If you are reading this to receive basic recovery coaching information, first decide if you enjoy working with people in recovery from substance misuse or want to work with people in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health disorder.

    Are you interested in working with people in recovery from addictions or in recovery from a mental health or behavioral health diagnosis?

    A nearly universal definition of a peer recovery support specialist or a recovery coach is “an individual with the lived experience of their own recovery journey and wants to assist others who are in the early stages of the healing process from psychic, traumatic and/or substance misuse challenges, thus, this peer can aid and support another peer’s personal recovery journey”. Some certifications for a peer recovery support specialist give an individual the training necessary to work with individuals with a behavioral health disorder or a mental health diagnosis. These certifications include more training on the nature of behavioral health disorders, the medications used to treat these disorders, crisis interventions, life/occupational skills, and trauma informed care. A recovery coach working with people in addiction recovery does not necessarily need these types of training. In this article, I will focus on the recovery coach working with people in recovery from substance misuse.

    The individuals that work with people in recovery from substance misuse are called recovery coaches, as well as peer recovery support specialists (PRSS), peer recovery support practitioners (PRSP), recovery support specialists (RSS), sober companions, recovery associates or quit coaches. In all cases, they support individuals in recovery from addiction(s), which can include alcohol, drugs, gambling, eating disorders as well as other addictive behaviors.

    The basic recovery coaching credential is required. If you want recovery coaching certification, google this term with the region you live in. For addition recovery coaching education, I suggest: adding certification for treating co-occurring disorders, training on the application of Narcan which includes the certification for coaching persons detoxing from an opioid overdose, also certification for counseling individuals in Suboxone or Methadone treatment also called Medication Assisted Treatment (MAT) and Medication Supported Recovery (MSR), certification for spiritual recovery coaches and credentials for coaches working with individuals with behavioral addictions such as sexual compulsivity, internet gaming and gambling disorders. If you would like to work in an inpatient treatment center, drug and alcohol counseling certification maybe required.

    Recovery coaching credentialing has expanded to include coach supervision certification, which is training for individuals who want to manage other recovery coaches. Also there is an elevated level of certification called professional recovery coaching. A professional recovery coach is an individual that has been coaching for several years, has hundreds of coaching hours under their belt, manages other coaches and/or has received other coaching credentials. A professional recovery coach is sometimes referred to as a life recovery coach. A professional recovery coach can receive training from any of the organizations that train peers or recovery coaches, and in addition, they can receive training from the International Coach Federation’s accredited life coach training program or a professional recovery coach certification from Recovery Coaches International. Recently, Connecticut Community of Addiction Recovery (CCAR) has started developing a Professional Coaching Certification.

    Where do you want to work?

    Some recovery coaches seek to work at a recovery community organization (RCOs) or a recovery support center. An RCO is an independent, non-profit organization led and governed by representatives of local communities of recovery. The recovery coaches at these recovery community organizations work with people of all financial means, addicts that are homeless, offenders, even professionals like nurses, teachers, lawyers and highly educated individuals, who have hit bottom. Sometimes, the recovery coaches at these centers receive a salary from the RCO. RCO recovery coaches can also be volunteers, opting to perform their coaching duties for no reimbursement at all.

    Recovery coaches can be employed by treatment centers coaches, developing a coaching relationship with a client outside of the clinical treatment. They can escort a client home from a treatment center and stay with the client for a period of time, insuring they do not relapse after discharge. More half way houses or sober living environments are employing recovery coaches. In fact, many recovery coaches have opened a transitional living home or a supportive sober living environments. They act as a recovery coach and a house manager at the same time, their presence adds to the quality of the recovery experience for the residents. Recovery coaches can work in emergency departments in hospitals, detoxification centers or sobering centers; working with individuals in crisis, either detoxing from an alcohol or opioid overdose.

    Lastly, some recovery coaches run their own coaching business. They will visit clients or talk with them over the phone or on SKYPE. These recovery coaches market themselves by contacting a treatment center’s aftercare coordinator or will seek referrals from therapists. The client is billed directly for the coaching services, there is no insurance coverage for a recovery coach.

    How much do you want to be paid for your services?

    Recovery coaches are paid a variety of rates. A recovery community organization, a treatment center, sober living environment or social services agency recovery coaching rates are from $12-$18 per hour. If a recovery coach receives their salary from a social services agency, or a recovery community organization that agency may have received a grant to run a peer program from the State or Federal government.

    A professional life recovery coach can bill from $35 up to $100 an hour for their coaching services. These professional recovery coaches bill their clients directly and incur expenses for running their coaching practice such as insurance, travel and overhead. This ‘pie in the sky’ $100 per hour fee of a professional recovery coach is not for the inexperienced or newbie coach. There are significant responsibilities a recovery coach has for their client, primarily keeping them free from relapse or overdose, or in other words- keeping them alive.

    Soon, there will be reimbursement from health insurance companies for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. New York has an arrangement with the state’s Medicaid offices to reimburse for recovery coaching for individuals who are diagnosed as dependent on a substance. Other states, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Maryland and Massachusetts, are formulating similar Medicaid payment plans, but these reimbursements are not yet in place. However, currently, private independent health insurance companies do not cover the services of a recovery coach working with an individual in recovery from an addiction.

    In less than five years the field of recovery coaching has grown significantly. With the advent of the Affordable Care Act and the legislation to fight addiction, the 21st Century CURES and the CARA Acts, recovery coaching is now recognized as one of the most important tools to initiate and maintain long term recovery. This recognition will continue as the benefits from recovery coaching continue to be realized.

     

  • Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly

    Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly is a new documentary by writer-director Justin Hunt and is narrated by Metallica’s James Hetfield.

    The movie is not about James Hetfield. Hetfield’s connection to the film is solely based on his connection with Hunt after the two worked on Hunt’s previous film Absent, a documentary about disengaged and absent fathers. Hetfield, who grew up without a father, spoke candidly in that movie—about his road to recovery.

    Hunt named the film as a nod to a scientific study where painted cardboard butterflies were used to see if male butterflies would be more attracted to the larger, more ornate butterflies. Guess what? They were. The analogy? Humans who choose a two-dimensional sexual exchange versus the real thing.

    There is no sex or porn education in schools, so porno films are serving as the only educator kids can find on sex. Then, guess what? Kids get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and think that is the way to be sexual, romantic or intimate. Well, it doesn’t work that way.

    Don Hilton, the neurologist in the film, explained that viewing porn can create the same chemical reaction as cocaine use—activating endorphins and the delta FosB. “The reason I wanted to include the portion about the brain in the film,” Hunt told writer, Dorri Olds for an exclusive interview published in theFix.com, “was because many try to discredit the idea of an addiction to porn.” He described naysayers who said porn is impossible to define. “An image I think is pornographic may not be to somebody else,” said Hunt, “so I had to come up with a common denominator. For the purpose of this film, the word ‘pornography’ refers to sexual images that cause the chemical reaction in the viewer’s brain.”

    It’s easy to draw parallels to alcohol and drug addiction. Another parallel is what Hunt called the shame cycle. Porn addicts use sexually explicit images to manage their mood. After indulging in the compulsive behavior, they then feel ashamed. That shame creates anxiety, so they watch more porn to calm their nerves. It is the same circular shame spiral that exists in substance abuse.

    Hunt said, “I’ve interviewed people who said, ‘The only way I knew how to stop feeling bad was to look at porn, but the reason I felt so bad was that I’d looked at too much porn.’ My first film, American Meth, was about drug addiction.

    “By the way, Absent wasn’t about James Hetfield—it was about the impact of absent fathers. You can have that father wound and turn it into something positive, like James did with his music. While we were making that movie, we built a friendship based on paternity—or should I say, the fraternity of fatherhood. [Laughs] We talked about our kids, parenting, being husbands, so when I discussed this project with him we both felt it was important to try to make a difference in the world. That’s why he decided to be a part of this and help me out. I commend him because he did this right as the band’s new album was coming out and touring. It’s not like he was sitting around with nothing to do.”

    There have been many movies about porn, but they’ve been about the industry, about adult film stars. Those weren’t about the brain or what Hunt calls the “porn progression.” Another remarkable aspect is that he created the whole movie without any provocative imagery. I asked him if that was intentional to avoid including any possible triggers for pornography addicts.

    “Yes, a big problem with documentaries about porn is that people struggling with that issue can’t watch those films because they become triggered. You can’t make a movie to help people with an addiction, and then fill it full of triggers. That’s like me saying, ‘Dorri, I think you have a drinking problem, let’s go have a beer and talk about it.’”

    The movie is not anti-porn. Hunt calls it “porn informative.” He believes the topic should be more openly talked about. Hunt said, “We’re just letting you know that porn addiction is a real thing and we need to start having conversations about it.”

    Another important issue the film raises is how technology is allowing people to be exposed at an earlier age and at a much higher rate. “We know how it affects the brain and we know that young kids’ brains are not ready for that. They get into public schools and public education, but there is no education on sex or porn so the porno films are serving as the educator. Then, guess what? They get into relationships and try to do what they see in porn, and it doesn’t work that way.”

    The movie shows one couple whose relationship is being destroyed by the husband’s addiction to porn. Hunt said this could have easily been a seven-hour movie. “There are so many different avenues that we could have gone down,” said Hunt. To fit everything into a movie-length film, Hunt said his goal was to expose people to the idea that kids are learning about intimacy and sexuality from porn. A doctor in the film points out, “Kids are learning about sex from ejaculations to the face. That’s what they’re learning about sex and romance and intimacy.”

    Hunt has three children, 16 and 13, and a three-year-old daughter. I asked if he had broached the topics of drugs, alcohol, and pornography with the two teenagers.

    “Yeah,” said Hunt. “They’ve been with me through the entire process of working on these films, and they’ve been on stage with me and they’ve watched me speak. They’ve watched the newspaper and the magazine articles come out. They’ve gone to radio spots with me, so they’ve seen this. They’ve seen the impact that drug addiction has, and they’ve seen the four-year process of making this film and what porn can do. That’s one of the beautiful side effects of what I do for a living—my kids get to see and learn.”

    It seems his kids are open with him. “My daughter is in eighth grade and she told me that she knows of sixth graders who are texting nude photos of each other back and forth on Snapchat.”

    He pointed out that because of technology, “we’re choosing synthetic relationships over authentic relationships. We’re not seeing the beauty in the people before us because we’re buying into the myth of what we’re seeing on computers and smart phones and movies. That’s just sad because we’re missing out. We’re destroying the essence of women and we’re buying into this imitation beauty.”

    He said 88% of the scenes in porn have aggressive behavior of some kind, physically or verbally. The other thing to consider is how many of these films make people seem like objects. They’re objects for release. That’s all they are. And that’s what kids are learning when they’re watching porn in those formative years.

    Hunt said, “When young people are naturally going to want to learn about sex and relationships and sexuality and intimacy, instead of learning courtship and humanity, they learn a selfishness, a way to just get theirs. One of the guys that I interviewed who didn’t make it into the film, was a juvenile therapist. He said there’s a massive increase in anal sex and oral sex amongst teenagers because of porn. They are mimicking what they see.”

    Another part that had to be cut for length reasons was about a porn-addicted pastor. “We had an entire segment on how prevalent porn has become in the church,” said Hunt. “He was busted because his wife had gone away for the weekend at a time when he was really deep in his addiction. While she was gone he’d spent the entire weekend on the computer looking at porn. She got back when he was in bed reading. She tried to get on the computer but it crashed. When she rebooted it, all these sexual images came up. She said, ‘Hey, can you come here for a second?’ He got out of bed in his underwear and went over to her. She said, ‘What’s this?’ And that’s how he was busted; exposed. He’s standing there in his underwear exposed, at the moment his addiction was exposed.”

    At that point Hunt looked at his watch and said, “We’ve been talking for 36 minutes, right? That’s 120 million searches for porn that have happened since you and I began talking.”

    As our conversation was coming to a close, I asked him who his target audience for the film was. He laughed and said, “I’m going to go with a quote from the movie Argo: ‘People with eyes.’ The average age that people start actively looking for porn is about 10 years old. One in three porn addicts are women, 58% of divorces cite porn as one of the reasons, and 67% of men look at porn once a week at least. It affects the whole human demographic.

    “When you look at someone you can often tell if they’re an alcoholic or a drug addict, but you can’t look at anyone to see if they’re a porn addict. Also, getting back to the topic of the brain, your brain can purge coke when you stop using it. It can purge alcohol. But you can’t purge these pornographic images completely out of your mind.”

    I asked Hunt if he was in recovery from an addiction. “No,” he said, “never done a drug in my life and have never been addicted to anything else either.” So, why did he become interested in addiction? “I saw people facing problems. When we made American Meth, people weren’t talking about the topic all that much. Far Too Far came from what was left over in my brain from making American Meth. I turned it into a narrative that was based on a true story where a woman on meth pulls her ear drum out with pliers because she thinks the FBI is listening to her thoughts. When we made Absent, people weren’t talking about absent fathers like they are now. I hope that my new film will open up a conversation about porn addiction.”

    This article was written by Dorri Olds and was originally published at www.thefix.com on 02/05/17

  • 10 Signs You’re a Sex Addict

    By Brian Whitney

    Reposted from an article published by www.thefix.com in 02/10/15

    Is sex starting to become a real problem for you?

    Take a look at our list for some warning signs you might want to look out for.

    So, you like to have sex. Good for you. Sex is the best. But lately there have been some problems in your life because of your sexual habits. Maybe you really love your wife, but she dumped you after catching you having sex with the babysitter. Perhaps, you were doing great at your job, but you got fired after getting caught in your office beating off to porn. Maybe you’re starting to wonder if you have some sort of a problem. Or maybe, like me, you knew you had a problem all along, and thought the most important thing was to not let anyone ever find out.

    It took me a long time to admit I was a sex addict. It isn’t an easy thing to do. I could deal with being a playboy, a hedonist, maybe even a freak, but a sex addict? Not me. It took about 20 years, two divorces, the loss of jobs and homes before I admitted it.

    When I was in the process of getting my second divorce, I was seeing a therapist. He was cool enough. He was funny. We got each other on a certain level, which sometimes is all you can ask for when you pay someone to talk to you about your problems.

    I got along with him well enough that I decided to do something new: I was going to be honest. This time I wasn’t going to pay someone to sit there and listen to me lie.

    I told him about how I was having affairs, how I couldn’t stop. How everything I did was designed to either get me laid or indulge my kinks, and my kinks were getting more extreme by the day. No matter what went on in my life, no matter how fucked up it got, no matter what I lost it didn’t matter; I couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t, stop. The most important thing to me in the world, by far, was sex and all the adrenaline and anxiety that came with it.

    I told him what had been going on. First, I lost my job because I was having affairs with so many people at work. Then, my wife tossed me out of the house because I was screwing around with so many people at places outside of work. I wound up living with a woman that I couldn’t stand, but that would do anything I wanted sexually, no matter how deviant my demands were—I was cheating on her, too.

    When I got done relating what my wreck of a life was all about, he looked at me and said, “Well the thing is, most guys would want to do what you do. I mean, what guy wouldn’t?” My misery was this guy’s fantasy—it wasn’t the first time.

    That is the thing about sex. If you’re getting a lot of it, you don’t have a problem, right?  I mean seriously, you’re getting laid all the time and complaining about it?

    So many people get all worked up about the sex addict thing. “How can anyone be addicted to sex?” Don’t get hooked on semantics. Who cares what you call your problem? I don’t. Call it sexual compulsion if it makes you feel better. By acting out with sex, you are dosing your brain with dopamine and other chemicals that excite, distract, and otherwise cover up the underlying distress or emptiness that is making you suffer.

    Below is a list of 10 signs that could mean you are a sex addict. I did all 10 of the things on this list in all of my relationships. I was often accused by women of being a selfish, lying asshole, or a total freak, and I was both of those things, but no one ever asked me if I might actually have a problem.

    I write this list as a heterosexual man, though, this can also apply to women and LGBT individuals.

    If you have none of the things on the list, good job. Go screw with impunity. If you have between one and three of these, check yourself and figure out what is going on, if you have more than three, you need to find someone to talk to, and you should probably do it soon.

    You live a double life

    This one is tricky. Maybe you just cheat all the time, and lie about where you are, and how you spend your money. That, in itself, doesn’t make you an addict. But, if you have sexual secrets that you refuse to share with anyone, or if somehow you figure out ways to spend Christmas with two different women (done it) then something is way, way off. Sex and your sexual proclivities are private, but if your whole life is going to go down the tubes if people know what you are REALLY up to, and you have to lie to everyone constantly just to stay afloat, then you have at least the beginnings of a problem.

    You exploit others for sex

    You’re probably a good guy. You are kind to kids and animals, you cried when you watched The Lion King. When your girlfriend talks about her feelings you listen—I mean you really do.

    But when it comes to sex, you could care less about people. They are just objects to use to get off, or toys to play with. You don’t care what happens to them when you are done with them, and you will do anything to get them to do what you want.

    Your life is constantly in crisis

    Because sex is your number one priority, everything else is always totally messed up. When you are at work, you spend the majority of your time trying to get your boss to fuck you, once you succeed, you try to get that cute temp to meet you out for drinks. Once you start banging her, you try for the woman in the cubicle across from yours.

    If you manage to stay employed, you are constantly broke, and you get two credit cards your wife doesn’t know about so you can keep up the appearances you need to with your girlfriends.

    Everything from school, to work, to money, is secondary to feeding your addiction.

    You’re preoccupied with sex

    I don’t mean this in a “Wow, look at that chick’s ass!” kind of way. I mean, you can’t concentrate on anything for more than 10 minutes without going back into your place of fantasy. Or if you aren’t fantasizing, you are planning your next move. And if you aren’t planning your next move, you are having sex. Which then makes you feel ashamed, so to combat that you go right back into fantasy.

    You have sex without regard to potential consequences

    You’re out of control. Your wife is upstairs and you are banging her best friend on the couch. It isn’t enough to have sex with a co-worker; you have to do it on your boss’s desk. You just spent your mortgage payment at the strip club, or you just gave your credit card number to your dominatrix.

    If you are doing things that are going to screw you over in the future, and you KNOW they are going to screw you over in the future, then your sex life has crossed the line and is now officially a problem.

    Your kink needs to be fed more and more

    Some people are into some odd stuff, some aren’t. There is a myriad of different things that people do to get off with, and whether or not you like to be tied up, or walk your girlfriend on a leash isn’t the issue. What is the issue, is if the kink you have becomes your whole scene, and you need to go deeper and deeper into the world to get off? What can start off as fun, can wind up as something deeply destructive down the road.

    You masturbate all the time

    And I do mean all the time. You do it in the morning, you do it on your lunch break, and you do it before you go to sleep. I would sometimes even masturbate right after sex—with my partner passed out next to me. It’s just a sign that there are some issues, not a judgment. Do what you do. But if you have some of these other signs and you are beating off 20 to 30 times a week, then you’re a sex addict.

    Your relationships are always messed up

    The key word here is “always.” I always knew my relationships would end because I did something insane related to sex. It was just a matter of time before I would do something totally off the charts, get caught at it, and have to move on. It wasn’t like I learned a lesson. It was a lifestyle. This isn’t “Oh, I got caught cheating and my girlfriend dumped me.” It is that you are always cheating; you know you’re going to get caught, and you can’t stop.

    You feel powerless

    You can’t stop acting out. You try to stop, but you lose everything. Little by little, you lose everything. You keep on going until it’s all gone, until you are lying in a corner in the fetal position, until you feel like dying. Try not to get here. Go talk to someone you trust.

    You hate yourself

    Who knows, you could always be a sociopath. But, if you aren’t, and you are going through life hurting other people and destroying yourself, you are going to start disliking yourself quite a bit. I know I did. And the worst part—I was so sure, so entirely sure, that if I told anyone who I was, and the things that I did, they would hate me, too.

    If after reading this you think you might be a sex addict, talk to someone you trust. If you don’t have someone you trust, talk to a professional. It isn’t easy to get help, unless you live in an urban area, you aren’t going to find someone that has any sort of specialization in it. But that isn’t a reason, or an excuse, to keep acting this way.

    Brian Whitney is an author, a ghostwriter, and a frequent contributor to theFix.com. His book Raping the Gods was published in the Spring of 2015.

     

  • Lions, Tigers, Bears and the Yellow Brick Road to Recovery

    This is a guest post by Steve Devlin, a recovery coach from Philadelphia PA, and a long time friend. I chose to post this over the Holiday weekend, because it brings me such joy, and brings back wonderful memories of watching the Wizard of Oz on TV during the 60’s. Thank-you Steve, and Happy Holidays to all of my readers.

    Over the past week, I have been thinking about the Serenity Prayer and its connection to the Wizard of Oz.  Some of you might be looking at your computer and wonder if I have lost my mind.  I beg for your patience and to hear me out.  First a caveat or two.  I represent only myself in this message.  The second caveat is this message was inspired by a share I heard at a 12-step meeting.  The person who said it gave me permission to use it.  So here we go!

    We all know the Serenity Prayer.  “May God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  And almost everyone knows the story of the Wizard of Oz or at least the movie version of the story. Dorothy is not happy with life on the farm, runs away, is swept up in a tornado, lands in a strange place, and gathers three companions on her journey to the Emerald City to meet the Wizard.  On the way, she must deal with witches – good and bad – flying monkeys, and castle guards before she finds she always had the power to grant her wish of returning home.

    So what does this story have to do with the Serenity Prayer, let alone recovery?  We cannot find fulfillment, happiness, or peace in our lives. We run away and just when we realize that we have run too far, we are swept up in the tornado (or drug of our choice).  Its path of destruction destroys the landscape of our lives and carries us far away. Thankfully, when the storm passes we land in a new brightly-colored world filled with sober people singing about the blessings of recovery.  Yet our own work is just beginning.  There is a road we must follow with steps leading to the Emerald City of sobriety.  We also learn that we cannot walk the path alone.  There are still temptations, flying monkeys, people, places, and things calling us back to the darkness.  However, as we follow the path we first find the companion of serenity – the heart to love ourselves and others.  A new heart also gives us the gift of forgiveness and acceptance.

    The second companion is the courage to move forwards even when encountering lions, tigers, and bears.  It is courage which lets us turn over our lives, let go of character defects, and make amends.  It is also courage that lets us pick up the phone or go to a meeting.

    Finally, there is wisdom, which gives us the ability to see choices in our lives and to know what we can and cannot change.  After long periods of feeling tied up like a scarecrow on a post, we are set free to walk a brick road of new life.  Of course, finding these three companions to fight back addiction is only part of the story and the Emerald City is not the ultimate destination.  Our companions bring us to the shining light of recovery, but we must take the gifts back home and use them in our daily lives outside of the rooms.

    I wish recovery was as easy as clicking our heals together.  Finding our way home takes work but with heart, courage, and wisdom we can overcome all the flying monkeys and stay out of the way of tornadoes.  We also learn that the greatest companion of recovery is gratitude which was always just in our own backyard.

    Question: Who are your companions on the brick road?

  • Getting through the tough times

    As a recovery coach, I often see my clients need help getting through the tough times, without using, picking up or acting out. Recently, I personally encountered some rough patches in my life, so, I went to my library of recovery books. Several years ago, when I was experiencing trouble living life on life’s terms, I became an avid reader of Pema Chodron.

    Pema Chodron Celebrates her 80th Year

    Pema Chodron, is a Buddhist nun, she was born in 1936, in New York City, and is celebrating her 80th year. After a divorce, in her mid-thirties, Pema traveled to the French Alps and encountered Buddhist teacher Lama Chime Rinpoche, and she studied with him for several years. She became a novice Buddhist nun in 1974. Pema moved to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia in 1984, ­­­to be the director of Gampo Abbey and worked to establish a place to teach the Buddhist monastic traditions (waking before sunrise, chanting scriptures, daily chores, communal meals and providing blessings for the laity). In Nova Scotia and through the Chodron Foundation, she works with others, sharing her ideas and teachings. She has written several books, and in my time of deep spiritual need, I went to her book “When Things Fall Apart”.

    A Compassionate Tool

    Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives helped me. There is not only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches several approaches that involve moving toward the painful situation and relaxing us to realize the essential groundlessness of our situation. It is in this book, I discovered a simple breathing exercise, I can use during these chaotic times so I can move into a better space. Pema advocates this tool as a breathing exercise, although this exercise could also be considered a mindful meditation.

    I use Chodron’s tool whenever and wherever life hits me below the belt. I share this tool with my clients. It is all about breathing and consciously repeating words to yourself to accompany the breathing. Since we breathe every day, it is indiscernible whether you are using this tool as you travel on the bus commuting home from work, in a conference room with your boss, or when you are feeling low and want to curl up in a ball and die.

    Breathe

    Breathe. Pema explains in her book, when things get way too complicated; step back and breathe. When the force of the world, the politics of the U.S., Great Britain or Italy start weighing heavily on your mind, breathe. When you look at all the pain around you and feel powerless to do anything, breathe.

    Pema explains, inhale and say silently to yourself breathe in the pain, then exhale and say breathe out relief. Then, inhale, and say silently to yourself breathe in the relief, and exhale and say breathe out the pain. I find I need about 15 minutes of conscious breathing, breathing in the pain and breathing out relief, works for me. After doing this, I find I have new energy or something else crosses my path to move me into a more uplifting space.

    Chodron’s exercise places me in a space I need to be. If I continue to be in that “negative space” of worry or feeling powerless, then absolutely nothing will be accomplished that day. I know we all have something to accomplish every day, whether it is just getting out of bed, taking a shower and brushing our teeth or running a Fortune 500 company, this exercise gets us from zero to ten in fifteen minutes. It is the boost we need.

     So, I invite you to try this simple exercise…and remember…keep breathing

     

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher-Part 4

     innocence-en-dangerHow can you protect yourself from a Catfisher or an online predator?

    Why do they do what they do? Catfishers want something from you. These are people that are not motivated by love, but are driven by money, perverse sexual desires and criminal intent.

    • Money is usually the first thing predators want from adult contacts
    • They want to win you over and manipulate you, so you begin to desire them in a sexual way and that means you will begin to trust them
    • They will use your photographs and distribute them to other online predators, they will re-post the pictures online in sexual forums or just enjoy your photographs themselves, privately
    • They want to have conversations with you, texting or otherwise, in order to get sexually aroused during the conversation
    • Any of the above contacts will enable these predators to black-mail, extort or rape you

    Scary Stats

    There are some scary statistics on Catfishers or online predators.

    • An estimated 725,000 people are aggressively pursued online for sex or extortion annually in the US
    • In 2005 alone, 25% percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims
    • In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers”
    • Reports say victims of these romance scams have lost over fifty million dollars—however authorities know this figure is much higher because many victims are too embarrassed to report the incidents
    • Every 2 minutes a person in America is sexually assaulted
    • 1 out of 4 children in the U.S. have been sent pictures of people who were naked or having sex by an online predator
    • Each year Internet predators commit over 16,000 abductions, over 100 murders, and thousands of rapes
    • Over 39,000 verified Registered Sex Offenders have profiles on social media sites
    • 1 out of 5 kids have been solicited for sex on the Internet
    • 1 out of 4 kids have been contacted online by a person not representing themselves in a true or accurate way
    • Only 25% of kids tell parents or adults about any online encounters
    • 77% of the time, the targets for online predators are usually in the 11-14 year-old-age range
    • 25% of children that were surveyed were exposed to unwanted pornographic material

    Dating Safety Tips

    Online dating often leads to offline dates, which may end up as a successful relationship. However, before you meet someone in person, take all the time you need to get well-acquainted with this person, so there is hopefully nothing to worry about when you meet face-to-face. Sexual assault on a date is definitely not an everyday occurrence, nonetheless, you need to ensure your personal safety when planning to meet someone for a first date. Take the time to really get to know a person and dangerous incidents are less likely to occur.

    The predators need to be exposed, if you or anyone you know has been contacted by an online predator or has received unwanted solicitation from someone online, call the police and notify the social networking site on which the contact was made.

    • NEVER give out your personal information or home address online, even giving out the town you live in can reveal too much information to a predator
    • Don’t reply to social media messages from people you don’t know
    • NEVER meet face-to-face with someone you have just met online, give yourself and the contact at least 3 weeks to get to know each other before a face-to-face is planned
    • Never download image files from an unknown source, they could contain sexually explicit images that could put you in a compromising legal situation
    • Avoid chat rooms or discussion forums that are sexually proactive
    • If you receive uncomfortable or frightening material, end the communication, block the person from contacting you and report them to the dating site or the social networking site
    • If you receive an unwanted solicitation call 911, contact the dating site or the social networking site and report the perpetrator immediately

    Sexual assault and date rape are definitely not common occurrences when meeting an online date. Read and follow the safety advice for first date meetings that have been outlined on your online dating site, so you are well-prepared. In addition, here are some of tips that will be useful too.

    • Always take the time to get well-acquainted with someone before you plan a meeting. Talking to this person online or on the phone for three weeks is a good amount of time to ensure this person is safe to meet
    • Bookend the date, which means you notify a friend where the date is, whom the date is with and when the date starts and then again, contact the same friend when you leave the date, to ensure you are home and are safe
    • Meet in a public place, like a restaurant, coffee shop, and drive your own car or know the public transportation schedule in order to leave to catch the last bus. At no time should this first date drive you home
    • While on the date, always be very aware of your surroundings. Keep an eye on your drink at all times. Date rape drugs are very easy to drop into any drink. Drinking coffee with a lid on the cup is probably your best defense against this kind of occurrence
    • Getting a girl drunk is a common ploy for a predator, so watch how much alcohol you drink. In fact, many online dating site guidelines do not recommend going to a bar or having a drink on the first date
    • Be cautious during your first few meetings with this person. Have the dates in open public places and stay away from dark and deserted situations
    • Never go to this person’s home or to a hotel until months into your dating experience

    What do you do if you have been assaulted?

    If you believe you may be a victim of sexual assault, the first thing you should do is immediately contact the police and report the crime, no matter how small you might think the crime is. It is common for victims to blame themselves in a case of assault, however you must always remember that this predator had absolutely no justification to attack you. It is also very important to protect your health, go to the hospital and request to have a sexual assault forensic exam, the staff will administer some tests that are compiled into what is sometimes known as a “rape kit.” These exams will preserve possible DNA evidence and you will receive important medical care. You don’t have to report the crime to have this exam, but the process gives you the chance to safely store evidence, should you decide to report the crime at a later time.

    • If you feel you cannot handle going to the hospital alone, try asking an understanding family member or friend to escort you to the hospital.
    • If necessary, you can also speak with a rape hotline operator, an experienced therapist or social worker who can help you deal with it. For more information, reference the local hotlines and services that are featured below
    • If you choose not to have a sexual assault forensic exam, it is also a good idea to to go to a clinic or to see a doctor who can test you for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)
    • To find a location near you that performs sexual assault forensic exams, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (656-4673) or talk to your local sexual assault service provider

    Here are some National Resources for Victims of a Catfisher

    General Information:

    Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)                             https://www.ic3.gov/                                                                                                           A partnership between the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the National White Collar Crime Center (NW3C).

    National Sexual Assault Hotline: National hotline, operated by RAINN, that serves people affected by sexual violence. It automatically routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search your local center here. Hotline: 800.656.HOPE (656-4673)

    National Sexual Violence Resource Center: This site offers a wide variety of information relating to sexual violence including a large legal resource library.

    National Organization for Victim Assistance: Founded in 1975, NOVA is the oldest national victim assistance organization of its type in the United States as the recognized leader in this noble cause.

    National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women: VAWnet, a project of the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence hosts a resource library home of thousands of materials on violence against women and related issues, with particular attention to its intersections with various forms of oppression.

    U.S. Department of Justice: National Sex Offender Public Website: NSOPW is the only U.S. government Website that links public state, territorial, and tribal sex offender registries from one national search site.

    The National Center for Victims of Crime: The mission of the National Center for Victims of Crime is to forge a national commitment to help victims of crime rebuild their lives. They are dedicated to serving individuals, families, and communities harmed by crime.

    Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse:

    National Child Abuse Hotline: They can provide local referrals for services. A centralized call center provides the caller with the option of talking to a counselor. They are also connected to a language line that can provide service in over 140 languages. Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD (800-422-2253)

    Darkness to Light: They provide crisis intervention and referral services to children or people affected by sexual abuse of children. Hotline calls are automatically routed to a local center. Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

    Cyber Tip Line: This Tipline is operated by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. Can be used to communicate information to the authorities about child pornography or child sex trafficking. Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (800-843-5678)

    National Children’s Alliance: This organization represents the national network of Child Advocacy Centers (CAC). CACs are a multidisciplinary team of law enforcement, mental and physical health practitioners who investigate instances of child physical and sexual abuse. Their website explains the process and has a directory according to geographic location.

    Stop It Now: Provides information to victims and parents/relatives/friends of child sexual abuse. The site also has resources for offender treatment as well as information on recognizing the signs of child sexual abuse. Hotline: 888-PREVENT (888-773-8368)

    Justice for Children: Provides a full range of advocacy services for abused and neglected children.

    Domestic, Dating and Intimate Partner Violence:

    National Domestic Violence Hotline: Through this hotline an advocate can provide local direct service resources (safe-house shelters, transportation, casework assistance) and crisis intervention. Interpreter services available in 170 languages. They also partner with the Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Center to provide a videophone option. Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233)

    National Teen Dating Abuse Online Helpline: This online helpline assists teens who are, or may be, in abusive relationships. Call 1-866-331-9474, chat at loveisrespect.org or text “loveis” to 22522, any time, 24/7/365

    Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center: The center serves abused Americans, mostly women and children, in both civilian and military populations overseas. In addition to providing domestic violence advocacy, safety planning and case management, the center assists victims with relocation, emergency funds for housing and childcare, and funds for payment of legal fees. International & Toll-Free 866-USWOMEN (866- 879-6636) (Available 24/7/365)

    National Coalition against Domestic Violence: The national coalition of Domestic Violence organizations is dedicated to empowering victims and changing society to a zero tolerance policy. Call the Nat’l #DomesticViolence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (799-7233) if you or someone you love is a victim and needs help

    Incest:

    (See also resources on Child Abuse/ Sexual Abuse above)

    Survivors of Incest Anonymous: They provide information on how to find incest survivor support groups in your area and empowers individuals to become survivors and thrivers.

    GirlThrive: Girlthrive Inc. honors teen girls and young women who have survived incest and all sex abuse through thriverships, opportunity and education.

    Stalking

    Stalking Resource Center: The Stalking Resource Center is a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime. Their website provides statistics on stalking, information on safety planning and other resources.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to a Catfisher—Part 3

    manhattan_bridgeAre you talking to someone on line? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scallawag or a con?

    Last week I outlined some typical characteristics and warning signs of interacting with an online scammer. I will continue outlining Tyler Cohen Wood’s indicators that the person you are speaking to online may be a catfisher.

    Ms. Wood is a Cyber Branch Chief for an Intelligence Agency within the Department of Defense (DoD). She is the author of the book, Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life. Here are some more indicators you should be aware of when you are using an online dating service:

    1. Do their stories match up? Complete a reference check!

    If someone is pretending to be someone they’re not, they may have a difficult time keeping up with their fake persona. Colleges are the easiest reference to check. Call the alumni office to verify whether this person is in the alumni directory. When I wanted to check on one individual, I emailed his LinkedIn colleagues, and asked if they know “this person,” yes, I really did!  One scammer was so bold he had me speak with his daughter who was home visiting from college, and when I asked her how Boulder was, she blanked. She was supposedly attending the University of Colorado.

    1. Check the times of the calls. By the way, how is their spelling or their command of the English language?

    I have been contacted by many international catfishers, and for some reason, they will never call between 12:00am and 6:00am Sri Lanka time (2pm EST-8pm EST). We all make silly spelling mistakes, but if the person you are communicating with uses strange grammar and continuously makes odd spelling mistakes, maybe these writings are all coming from Google Translation, so proceed with caution.

    1. You will receive everything you would want to hear from a Prince Charming

    “You are so beautiful,” “I think you are someone special,” “I love you” or you receive a marriage proposal, sometimes all within the first twenty-four hours of meeting this person online. Need I say red flag to this one?

    1. In the first few days, are the communications hot and heavy with frequent emails, texting and contact? What happens next?

    My experience with scammers is that it takes five to seven days of hot and heavy intrigue, seduction, in pursuit of the development of trust. Then it is time for the “ask.” Some catfishers may take up to a month and work it very slow, all during which time, red flags are still appearing. Usually this period of time is accompanied by the building up of the “story.” This story could be a “colossal break,” a deal so big they can retire on it, or they are working on the opportunity of a lifetime. Once they know they have your trust, there then follows a disaster. A partner pulls out of the deal, leaving the scammer high and dry. Or they need to fly to Europe immediately, and they need some cash to finalize the deal. They may need large amounts of cash to be sent in order to complete business obligations. They need to bribe corrupt local officials, or they may have been “robbed” and lost all of their belongings. Just about any story will do, and it is usually a large amount of money that will satisfy them. What is totally amazing is that if you say no, it will not stop the scammer from asking again and again.

    There are a great variety of scripts scammers use to ask for money. The first step is appearing on a dating or social media site with a fake profile and credentials. Some scripts, or roles these scammers use portray them as an American soldier stationed overseas, a businessman from the United States who spends the majority of his time traveling internationally, or the entrepreneur who has the biggest international deal of a lifetime knocking at his door, usually involving oil, diamonds or gold.

    Catfishers follow similar scripts in regard to the role of their family members. The scammer is often a widower, spending too many years grieving for the dead partner, and you are the first person that really “gets” him. There are always kids, all very smart, but they are studying abroad. There are also possessions, more than one house, vacation timeshares, and an antique sports car. All plenty of stuff to check online, but there isn’t any record online, so beware!! Most important to remember, is that once the money is transferred, the scammer simply disappears, leaving you with a broken heart and an empty bank account. There is little chance of prosecution or recovery since these scammers are often located in other countries.

    Of course, not everyone is out to scam you. There are plenty of legitimate individuals seeking a partner on these dating sites. My sister and her husband met online. The intention of this post is not to make you paranoid. Ultimately, if you’re doubting this situation – you’re most likely right. If you encounter some of the scenarios and warning signs I have listed above, end the relationship immediately, never arrange a date and never, ever give this person any money. Be the fish that got away.

    Next week, I will discuss ways that you can protect yourself from online predators.

  • The Top Ten Warning Signs You Are Talking to an Online Catfisher

    manhattan_bridgeAre you talking to someone online? Do you trust them? Could they be a catfisher, a scammer, a scalawag or a con?

    How Monica Draper, a 55-year-old, Ontario-based graphic designer lost $100,000 is not unheard of. How could she fall in love with a notorious, online Lothario, who had an outstanding warrant out for his arrest? Monica accepts that her money is gone. But she is still amazed that the fellow she met on the dating website, Plenty of Fish, was able to so easily abscond with her money, as well as the life savings of at least a half-dozen other women. The truth is she was “catfished.”

    A catfisher is the new name coined to describe a bottom-dwelling human who spends a great deal of time on the Internet in various locations like online dating sites, LinkedIn and Facebook, luring people into romances and then stealing their money. A catfisher uses fake pictures, bogus profiles and cunning manipulation, drawing their victims into a state of trust through infatuation. Often the victim has low self-esteem and insecurity with their image and when a person online appears to be interested in them, bingo, a match is made! The victim falls hard for this Romeo, who they deem out of their league. In truth, the seducer is faking it. And is running this con on other people, as well. In short, a catfisher is a scammer. The prevalence of online dating predators grows more copious every day.

    According to research, 4,288,595 people per month use Match.com, and visit the site a total of 26,200,000 times a month. The total Match.com membership is 15 million people. The total eHarmony membership is 20 million lonely hearts.

    Comparing that to the total number of single people in the United States, which is 54 million, it is not possible that half the single U.S. population has membership in an online dating site! Especially when the trade journal, Online Dating Magazine, estimates that there are more than 2,500 online dating services in the U.S., alone, with 1,000 new online dating services opening every year. Some estimates say there are 8,000 competitors worldwide. That means many people join three or more dating sites.

    On the free dating sites, at least 10 percent of new accounts are from scammers, says Marketdata Enterprise, Inc. Interested in catfishing, anyone?

    Dinner for Six, a matchmaking service in Denver, Colorado, says that 51 percent of online dating members are putting themselves out there as being single, when, in fact, they are in some kind of relationship. According to MSNBC, research shows that 11 percent of people using online dating services are married.

    More than 53 percent of Americans fabricate parts, or all of their dating profile details, according to the Huffington Post. Some lies are so blatant, like weight or height, that their dates can spot the untruths in the first few seconds of meeting them. In fact, a third of those surveyed said falsified information is so prevalent, that it prevents them from going on a second date.

    More than 40 percent of men try to swoon women by lying about their jobs, trying to make their careers sound more prestigious. It makes sense that every woman wants a guy with a great job, for example a guy in the entertainment industry is more interesting than someone selling tickets at the local movie theater. eHarmony mentions that a study found men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 received 156 percent more email than those declaring an income of $50,000. That’s 156 percent more gold-diggers! So guys, think twice about whether you want to post your personal income.

    In 2011, the FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center lodged 5,600 complaints from victims of “romance scams” or “catfishers.” The reporting victims lost over fifty million dollars. But it’s suspected that these numbers are much less than actual, as many people are too embarrassed to come forward.

    In 2005 alone, 25 percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Let me repeat that: twenty-five percent of rapists used online dating sites to find their victims. Each year Internet predators commit more than 16,000 abductions, 100 murders and thousands of rapes, according to InternetPredatorStat.homestead.com.

    I personally returned to online dating after ending a long-term relationship. With a profile depicting a self-supporting, intelligent woman, I was contacted by ten men, and nine of those contacts were scammers or catfishers. Nine out of ten! That is why I am writing this post — to make people aware of the dangers of online catfishers.

    Next week I will outline some typical characteristics and warning signs of an online scammer and offer suggestions on how to protect yourself from catfishers.

     

     
     

  • 20 Question Assessment – Is this a healthy relationship?

    two people on a beachAs a recovery coach I guide a lot of people in the “realm” of healthy relationships. Many ask — is this a healthy relationship? Some clients have not been in a relationship for several years, and are attempting to dip their toes into dating. Others might have just left a relationship, and are trying to figure out whether to stay away from a former lover. Even more of my clients who are in relationships can’t figure out if the relationship is healthy or not.

    Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

    My coaching clients know the “type” of person they want, but realize they keep picking the same unhealthy man or woman, just in a different body. They return time and time again to these relationships because they seem comfortable, reminding them of their family, or first marriage etc. When this happens I urge my clients to actively try to change the relationship selections they make. It is often very difficult for someone to see if the relationship they are in is healthy or unhealthy. I often review the qualities of a healthy and an unhealthy relationship with them. Do these attributes describe your relationship?

    • Healthy-Equality — Partners share decisions and responsibilities. They discuss roles to make sure they are fair and equal.
    • Unhealthy-Control — One partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, or tells the other person what to wear or who to spend time with.
    • Healthy-Honesty — Partners share their dreams, fears, concerns with each other. They tell each other how they feel and share important information.
    • Unhealthy-Dishonesty — One partner lies to or keeps information from the other. One partner keeps secrets or withholds information from the other.
    • Healthy-Physical Safety — Partners feel physically safe in the relationship and respect each other’s physical space.
    • Unhealthy-Physical Abuse — One partner uses force to get his/her way (grabbing, hitting, slapping, shoving).
    • Healthy-Respect — Partners treat each other like they want to be treated and accept each other’s opinions, friends, and interests. Partners in a healthy relationship stop what they are doing, look their partner in the eye and listen to each other.
    • Unhealthy-Disrespect — One partner makes fun of the opinions and interests of the other partner. He or she may not show any care for your property or throw out your personal possessions.

    Is This a Healthy Relationship? — 20 Question Assessment

    I suggest answering these questions to figure out if you are in a healthy relationship?

    1. Has your partner shared their hopes and dreams for the future, such as where s/he wants to live 5 years from now?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    2. Do you and your partner discuss what to do regarding a holiday weekend’s activities? Yes [   ] No [  ]
    3. Do you flinch when your partner makes a sudden action with his/her arms?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    4. Do you go to your bedroom in order to avoid interaction with your partner?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    5. Do your feelings matter to your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    6. Would you call your partner’s humor cynical, cutting or belittling?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    7. When you suggest something to be completed in the manner you would like, are your suggestions ignored?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    8. Do you feel like you have to hide things (gifts, clothes, make-up) from your partner? Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    9. Does your partner compliment you in front of others?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    10. Can you mention something you like or admire about your partner?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    11. Is your partner glad you have other friends and activities?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    12. Is your partner happy about your accomplishments and ambitions?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    13. Does s/he talk about her/his feelings?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    14. Does s/he really listen to you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    15. Does your partner have a good relationship with his/her family?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    16. Does your partner have good friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    17. Do you and your partner spend time with these friends?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    18. Does s/he have interests besides you?  Yes [   ]   No [   ]
    19. Does s/he take responsibility for her/his actions and not blame others for his/her failures?  Yes [   ]   No [    ]
    20. Does your partner respect your right to make decision that affects your own life?
      Yes [   ]   No [   ]

    If you have answered “NO” to more than 12 of these questions, I suggest you look into how to cultivate a healthier relationship, perhaps by seeking the advice of a counselor or therapist.

  • Recovery Coaches to the Rescue

    Recovery Coaches to the Rescue

    FBI PhotoIt is 5:30 am and a band of FBI and local sheriff authorities pull up to a New Jersey suburban house in a development not far from Philadelphia. Adorning Kevlar vests, and windbreakers with the yellow letters FBI on their backs, they storm past a toy doll stroller in the sidewalk. They bang on the door with their fist, demanding “Open up this is the FBI”. After a few more wraps, a bleary eyed woman about 40 years old opens the door a crack and peers out. With a burst of energy, five FBI agents and two local police enter her foyer, issue her a search warrant and spew out demands, only one she actually hears, “Your husband is under arrest for child pornography, where are the computers?”

    Emily, (all real names in this story will be withheld for privacy purposes) is dazed. She is in her bathrobe, and slippers, her hair is mussed, her eyeglasses crooked. She is barely awake. She glances at the stairs. She sees her two children at the top of the stairs, as a troop of agents make their way up to them. The agents ascend, as her girls descend squeezing towards the wall making way for the army of six foot, 250 pound men barreling past them. They are asking “Mommy, what is happening?” A sheriff from the local police department asks where her husband is. She says he is at work; he works the midnight shift at a local hospital. The Sheriff gets on his walkie-talkie and bursts out some demands, heralding a similar event at her husband’s workplace.

    It is 6:00 am, and Tom is just wrapping up from his shift as a nurse. His supervisor walks up to him and a force of blue windbreakers flank him on either side. “Tom,” his supervisor says, “these gentlemen want to see you in my office”. As they turn to go to the office to FBI agents take Tom at the elbows and nearly lift him off his feet. He arrives in the supervisor’s office, is placed in an arm chair and the door slams. Tom hears the words he has feared for the past two decades. “You are under arrest for the possession of, and the suspected distribution, copying, or advertising of images containing sexual depictions of minors.” For some strange reason, Tom is relieved. He thinks “It’s over, it is finally over.”

    It is Monday night, a steady stream of middle aged men drift into a hospital conference room, and take a seat. One of them opens a gym bag and starts to place books, pamphlets and tri-fold fliers on the table. A clear plastic envelope stuffed with one dollar bills is placed next to a thin loose-leaf binder. He sits down, opens the binder, checks the time on his cell phone and says, “Welcome to the Monday night meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, my name is Ken, and I am a sex and love addict.” The seemingly normal cohort of men reply, “Hi Ken”.

    The Monday night meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous begins. The reading is on Step Three; made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God. During the share a newcomer tells his story about what brought him into the rooms tonight. He is not sure he can be helped. He knows he has been a porn addict for all of his adult life. He says he has just been found out and he has no idea what will happen next, to his life, to his marriage, to his kids. He was advised to go to a 12 step meeting, and luckily he saw this meeting listed.

    The members of this unlikely band of brothers looks at Tom. His head is down. His focus is on the ravaged cuticles of his right thumb. As he raises his thumb to his mouth, a tear rolls down his cheek. They know how he feels. Each one of them have felt this same despair. Joe raises his hand to share. Joe is almost 45, yet one would think he is no older than 35. His Goorin Brothers Slayer cap is on backwards, his flannel plaid shirt is unbuttoned revealing an LA Dodgers vintage t-shirt. Appropriately ripped skinny jeans end in Vans pull ons. He gets current, talking about his therapist, his groups and what the third step means to him. Then he looks directly at Tom. “I know there is no cross talk in this meeting, so let me just say this, Tom, can we talk after the meeting?”

    Joe knows what has happened to Tom. Tom need not even say the word ‘legal’ for the subliminal message to be delivered. Joe knows because it happened to him, less than two years ago. The Cop Knock. The end of life as he knew it. The opening up of a new world. A new life without any more hiding.

    Relief.

    Joe and Tom walk to the café and Joe buys Tom a coke and a sandwich. It is the first thing Tom has eaten in two days. The café is empty, so they find a corner table and sit down. After just a few minutes, Tom’s experience from the last week is told. Joe’s head was nodding the whole time, but he lets Tom talk.

    Before an hour was up, Joe had given Tom the name of three men, Michael, Steve and Mike. Also, the number of an attorney and of a therapist that specialized in treating offenders. As they walked out of the hospital, Joe said the first call should be to Michael. Michael will coordinate everything. And Joe was right, Michael coordinated everything.

    Michael answers the phone at 9:15, and Tom was on the line. Michael was already prepared by Joe’s call, just minutes before. By 10:00, Michael assembled the team and briefed us all. The attorney appointment will be made by Tom. The therapist introduction will be on the phone, and the first group therapy meeting is tomorrow and Joe will bring Tom. Mike and Steve will call Tom daily for support. I am assigned to work with the wife.

    Every one of us responds to this call. It initiates a recruitment effort that rivals the Avenger’s response to Ultron’s threat to eradicate humanity. This team is committed to  respond to any sexual addiction crisis- the family affected by a patriarch’s incest, the individual devastated by sexual abuse, or the man that has heard the “Cop Knock”. We know they feel alone, whether they have been abandoned by their family, abused by loved ones or in this case, arrested for an illegal act. Tom needs his Avengers team to help him, because this is territory he is not familiar with. But this team is very familiar with it; the family dynamics, the law, the courtroom, treatment and therapy, prison and re-entry. We have walked this path, and emerged on the other side, as healthier and better people for the experience. So we are there, in order to keep our sobriety, we are doing service to give back what we have freely received.

  • K9-Free and Effective Porn Blocker for MacBook and iPhones

    block porn

    As a recovery coach, I have been asked by many a porn addict, “what is an effective block to use on their digital equipment?” I say K9. The added bonus – K9  is free. But it is difficult to install. Fortunately, Dr Todd Love, PsyD, JD, MBA, LPC, CSAT, S-PSB, DCC has perfected downloading and installing the highly recommended K9 Web Protection app on Apple products, including MAC computers, MacBooks, iPads and iPhones. Dr Love wants to share this with you.

    Dr. Love is a former IT professional (nearly 15 years as a corporate techie before becoming a psychologist). He specializes in treating cybersex addicts in his practice. Dr. Love has spent years and years (and years and years), setting-up blocks on clients’ systems and then had these clients find ways around the block. The result, in his expert opinion, is a HIGHLY robust and effective, porn-blocking tool.

    For myriad valid reasons, we all spend a large proportion of our time online. So the concept of not having Internet access is antediluvian. Further, using an archaic flip phone is not an option for a career professional in today’s world. Dr Love’s clients require “fully secured, yet fully functional” technology device(s). This is why Dr. Love developed these install instructions for K9.

    Dr. Love is very tech savvy and has documented the K9 configuration for your digital equipment in a 3-part blog series that walks through the details of how to set it up. Below is his personal porn-blocking solution. He has specifically developed a MacBook + iPhone combination that is, in my opinion, really good. It’s somewhat complex, so be prepared. Perhaps invite a geek in a “S” recovery program to assist in the install. The 3-part blog series is on Dr. Love’s website, and the links are below. Feel free to share this information.

    IT is a work in motion, as technology is ever-changing…. Feel free to ask Dr. Love questions, send comments, etc.

    Todd L. Love, PsyD, JD, MBA, LPC, CSAT, S-PSB,

    http://www.doctoddlove.com/about-todd-love/

    todd@doctoddlove.com

    www.doctoddlove.com

    Athens, Georgia

    706-383-7401

  • Why are Love Addicts and Love Avoidants or Love Ambivalents attracted to each other?

    The last person a love addict should be attracted to is a love avoidant or love ambivalent. But all love addicts are attracted to love avoidants or love ambivalents. Why? In order to answer this we have to go back and look at the relationships these addicts experienced with their primary caregivers.

    Childhood experiences

    The love addict has had a relationship with their primary caregiver that proved to them they can be abandoned at any time. That is a familiar fear, holding-hands1prompting love addicts to try harder to get the attention and love of their partners. Love avoidants have experienced a highly dependent caregiver. One who smothers the avoidant, requiring the attention that was difficult for an immature child to bring forth. As a result, the avoidant sees relationships as work. Love ambivalents have experienced both a smothering caregiver and an abandoning caregiver. For example, a father who left the family, resulting in a mother who uses the child as a surrogate spouse to take care of her emotional needs.

    Even though each of these addicts dislike the role they were given in childhood, it is a familiar role, and they feel comfortable in it. A role that when engaged in adulthood, feels like the same type of love that they had as a child for their caregiver. Because they were so young when experiencing these feelings, the child knew they had to love their caregiver, with the child thinking these feelings of being smothered or abandoned equaled a type of love.

    So a love addict, avoidant or ambivalent is attracted to the unconscious display of these traits from a new adult coming into their lives. After a few weeks, or months, these behaviors start to spark the feelings inside that the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent recalls, albeit unconsciously, from their youth. Their old frustrations with their caregiver are placed onto the new adult relationship. These feelings are akin to love for the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent, but actually just recreate the relationship they had with their parent or caregivers.

    The love addict, avoidant or ambivalent wants to heal these old childhood wounds and fix what wasn’t right with their first “love” (their parent or caregivers). In doing everything in their power to do this, they believe there is a possibility of fulfilling the childhood fantasy of having the perfect mate (cue the Cinderella or the Shrek DVD). Avoidants are programed to rescue, so when they see a damsel in distress, they move very powerfully, even seductively, to take up that challenge. I say seductively, because the avoidant wants unconsciously to rescue, and to be in control of the relationship. If they control, they cannot be controlled, as they were in their formative years. However, there is always a rear-exit door left open. Ambivalents were chastised for showing too much emotion in their youth, so in adulthood, they commit to being detached in emotional settings.

    What can these addicts do to change?

    As an adult, the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent may be able to realize these are not healthy behaviors and re-think these acts. Perhaps the love addict, avoidant or ambivalent has learned from the consequences of past, broken relationships. As adults, these addicts may be able to realize these are not healthy feelings and identify their actions, like acknowledging when the love addict grasps for more attention, it is in order to not be abandoned. Recognizing that when the avoidant flees from intimate relationships, they are reverting to childlike behaviors. And being aware of when the ambivalent starts feeling undecided about a lover does nothing for the relationship.

    These individuals want desperately to have a healthy, long-term relationship, so perhaps trying some new behaviors can be possible. I suggest taking more time in courting. Spend more non-sexual time with the prospective partner. Learn how to speak more about their feelings of fear and work out some common responses to the feelings of flight, fight or freeze. Every new relationship brings a new set of “situations” to resolve. Being more open to dating people who do not send the charge of electricity or chemistry through the addict’s body is another suggestion. These addictive feelings, thoughts and/or behaviors are not present in a healthy, non-addict adult. These healthy adults are often passed over by the addict, because they see them as boring, or the addict acknowledges the “chemistry” was not strong enough to capture their interests. I suggest giving these healthy adults another chance, another date or another month, or two, to develop the relationship further. The addict may be surprised in the result. Above all else, avoid sexual contact as long as possible during this courtship phase. I suggest embracing a healthy dating plan (Google it!) that includes a minimum of three months of non-sexual dating.

    A very intimate discussion is a conversation on why saying the word love is difficult or challenging, or perhaps too easy (as in the case of the love addict). Another intimacy exercise is the game of ‘In to me, I see’, which one person closes their eyes and says ‘When I look into myself, I see…’ and then explains what they see. This isn’t an after dinner game for a party, but is an interchange between two lovers, using a simple statement that will spark a similar response with the other.

    How does a healthy person think about love?

    A healthy person doesn’t compulsively fantasize about a white knight rescuing them or a beautiful girl on their arm making them a better person. Each of us have the potential within to feel whole and fulfilled. We are the ones who develop our own competence, our own self-esteem. We use self-love, self-nurturing, self-protection, self-awareness and self-care to build these strengths.

    Each of us finds the meaning of life for ourselves. The only part a partner can help with is sharing their search for the discovery of the meaning of their lives. Ultimately, no one can make us do anything. If they do, we will reject them. Don’t even go down that path. Allow your partner to do what he or she needs to do for themselves, and stop yourself when you feel you are falling back into old, addictive behaviors.

    A healthy relationship is not based on need, fear, compulsion or obsession. It does not thrive on that electrical bolt of energy or chemical reaction. It is like a little seed, in the fresh, spring earth, that needs nurturing to grow. Not too much water, not too firm earth. Get the picture?

    Healthy people love themselves. Shed the fear of ego or dread of being viewed negatively. Speak to your therapist about these fears. Allow yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. It may take a few relationships to allow this self-nurturing and growth to happen, it’s not an overnight thing. During your development as a healthy person, someone will walk into your life, and both of you will experience a blossoming of growth, just like that little seed.

  • Others in the Dance of Love….

    Others in the Dance of Love….

    A few more members are joining us in the Dance of Love

    Being AmbivilentLike Goldilocks, women (mostly) are all looking for the “three bears,” all in one man. Not too hot (average looking), not too cold (balanced ego) and is just right (financially self-supporting). Goldilocks often fantasizes that her perfect mate has a little bit of the great characteristics from all of her former lovers, such as from former relationship #1, the characteristic of the caring guy that gives her presents, or the handy man-car mechanic from former relationship #2 or the paternal instincts of former relationship #3. When Love Addicts fantasize about someone, they cannot let it go, even if their love interest is emotionally unavailable or toxic. By toxic, I mean their love interests are abusive, controlling, narcissistic or addicted to something.

    The Torchbearer

    Love Addicts who obsess for years over one person are called “Torchbearers.” This used to be called unrequited love. This kind of love addiction, more than any other, breeds by fantasies and delusions. Flash to the image of a tween’s bedroom with the current teen idol’s poster on her wall. Torchbearers often believe that their infatuation is reciprocated (returned). However, Torchbearers can develop erotomania — a delusion in which a person believes that another person (typically of higher social status) is in love with them.

    The Relationship Addict

    If the Love Addict is not in love anymore, but is just hanging in there for the companionship, they are a Relationship Addict. I describe these in a gender description of a woman, however, these characteristics can exist in a man as well. The non-committed, emotionally unavailable man (love avoidant) pairing with an overly attentive female (love addict) who is willing to hang in there, no matter what, is a surprisingly a common type of relationship. Ever wonder about the woman in a fifty-year marriage to an emotionally distant, overly sports-focused male, and ask “Why?”

    The Player

    Today, we might find an “eager to sow their wild oats” young adult, and describe them as a “player.” Is this person unable to commit to an emotionally intimate partner? Perhaps they are fearful of emotional vulnerability and afraid to get involved in a relationship that may challenge them. By being vulnerable to a mate, would that make them less of an independent person? Again, these descriptions apply to any gender, man or woman. Players are really love ambivalents.

    The Love Ambivalent

    In therapy, ambivalent individuals recall feeling humiliated, at some point, in their young childhood for being too emotional. Parents may have conveyed that “big boys don’t cry” or girls shouldn’t be a “drama queen.” They recall making a silent vow to never display any needs or emotional weaknesses. For them, the sad result is they reject the emotions needed for deep and intimate attachments. They are fearful of chastisement or criticism when they show emotions. They don’t cry at sad movies. They sign birthday cards to their children with a “luv ya.” They are often termed as cold and uncaring. They never share their feelings nor can they ever express their true selves, vulnerable feelings and all. What saves many of these ambivalents, is there is at least one person with whom they can feel safe, a grandfather, an aunt or sometimes a friend.

    When the ambivalent reads about the love addict or love avoidant, they identify with them both, feeling somewhat split, personality-wise, between the two. They want love, but turn away when love gets a bit too intimate. When I refer to love addicts and love avoidants being two sides of the same coin, that coin is really the love ambivalent.

    The love ambivalent eventually tires of running around, ages out of being a player or sees their love interest maturing to the next level of commitment. Fearing being left alone (yes, abandonment plays a large part in an ambivalents’ life, as well) they will commit to the latest person in their lives. This can bring a feeling of relief to the ambivalent’s partner/love addict/love interest, at first. But as the marriage progresses, unless the ambivalent has worked out a better way to communicate, show vulnerability and understand how to be intimate, the ambivalence continues. The partner finds themselves with an unreadable partner on whom they cannot depend for the plain old logistics of family life, let alone their own emotional needs.

    Are you a love ambivalent?

    The challenge is not to overly analyze how you feel or think about your ambivalence but rather to reflect on the various decisions that you make after making a commitment to someone. Consider this: decide daily (and I do mean daily) to be faithful, honest, thoughtful, loving, and so forth — or identify if you choose to run away, pick a fight, or turn to an addiction. Obviously, romantic, intimate relationships should be loving and certainly more good than bad, but expect that sometimes you might act in ambivalent ways with your partner or family. Learn from these situations and improve upon them the next time you encounter a similar situation. Being perfect is being just plain unrealistic. So, be ambivalent, but then decide to behave in ways that are consistent with your new values and emotional commitment.

    Lesson learned.

  • The Dance of the Love Addict and the Love Avoidant

    A love addict knows they do not want an emotionally unavailable partner, and the love avoidant knows they want an emotionally distant mate. Yet, the love addict and love avoidant still end up being attracted to each other.

    The love addict, having experienced childhood emotional and/or physical abandonment, will look for someone who can dance of a love avoidant love addict“rescue” them. The love avoidant, having experienced childhood enmeshment, will look for a person to “rescue.”

    Love avoidants recognize and are attracted to the love addict’s strong need to be rescued, or their fear of being abandoned. Avoidants know that they have control with a love addict. All they have to do to trigger their partner’s abandonment fear by being distant or threatening to leave. Love avoidants, whenever they pull that ‘I am leaving’ trigger, use it so they are in control. This allows them to be distant, to escape and avoid intimacy whenever they want. The avoidant’s behavior makes the love addict do anything to keep the avoidant, anything at any cost in order not to be abandoned. This interplay is what we refer to as “the dance.”

    What does the love addict/love avoidant dance look like?

    The love addict enters any relationship in a haze of fantasy, whereas the love avoidant feels compelled to take care of a person who presents as “needy,” even though the avoidant is unsure of their long-term staying potential in the relationship. The dance of the love addict and love avoidant goes something like this:

    Love Addict: “I am SOOOOO happy…I met this man and he’s everything I’ve always wanted…he has a fantastic job, loves travelling and loves children. We’re trying to see each other every day and I text him every morning, we talk at least 20 times a day… ”

    Avoidant: “I met this girl, I’m not too sure about her, but she’s nice, I mean…I may as well give it a try…”

    The love addict uses denial to protect their addictive rituals and fantasies, not wanting to look at the avoidant building up walls and starting to back away. The love avoidant, in order not to be controlled and to fulfil his or her duty, appears to be two things: being available to help, maybe even being sexually available, but hiding behind a wall that protects the avoidant from any emotional connection.

    Love Addict: “It’s great, I mean, he works a lot – weekends included – and with his volunteer commitments, we don’t spend a lot of time together but that’s okay….Guess what? He’s invited me for a get-away weekend at the beach!

    Avoidant: “OK…I’d better give her something or she’s really going to get mad….I’m going to send her flowers and maybe book a hotel room at the beach….”

    Something happens and reality comes crashing in on the love addict, the fantasy of a relationship with the perfect person is destroyed. The love addict enters  emotional withdrawal from the fantasy and in this withdrawal phase they experience an overwhelming sense of pain, shame, rage or panic. At the same time, the love avoidant starts to feel controlled or smothered. An entitlement characteristic comes forth and the avoidant says they deserve their independence, their life, they have work or family responsibilities, etc. The avoidant turns from the white knight into a wall of brick.

    Love Addict: “You’ll never believe it…first he said he’d phone me and then he didn’t. At the last minute, he cancelled the weekend at the beach because he needed to work… I don’t know how I can get through this: I feel rejected, abandoned, alone.

    Avoidant: “I can’t believe she’s so angry about me cancelling the trip… I have to work. Where does she think the money comes from for the gifts, the dinners, the flowers? I’m through with her, I am done, this relationship is too much work….”

    To return to the fantasy, and avoid feeling this sense of helplessness and hopelessness, the love addict either medicates, obsesses about the person or starts getting even. The love avoidant begins to feel hurt, and remembers that this is why he choose not to get close in a relationship, they create distance, and wants to numb out. The avoidant will numb out by creating an intensity outside of the relationship, often with substances, risk taking, or by sexually acting out.

    Love Addict: “I’m useless and I will die alone as a bag lady, and homeless. No one wants me. How am I going to live on my own? Maybe if I change, if I go on a diet, say I am sorry…”

    Avoidant: “I can’t breathe anymore… She is always telling me what she needs, wants… Gee, I need some space…I need to relax… I’ll just have this one drink (or joint, affair, etc.).”

    The final part of the dance is for the love addict to return to the fantasy with the same love avoidant partner or find a new love interest…and for the love avoidant they will either return to the relationship with the love addict because they subconsciously fear being alone, and return out of guilt, or they will move on to a new partner.

    Love Addict: “He called me, it’s fantastic! I think he is going to ask me to marry him!” or “You won’t believe it, I met a new guy, he just split up with someone…”

    Avoidant: “If I ask her to marry me, she’ll forgive me for my affair…” or “I can’t handle her anymore…so I met this girl last night…”

    What if you identify with the love addict or the love avoidant ?

    The love addict has a conscious fear of being abandoned and a subconscious fear of being controlled. In contrast, the love avoidant has a conscious fear of being controlled and a subconscious fear of being abandoned. They are two sides of the same coin. Both have experienced childhood trauma, both need to learn about how to face their fears, and their abandonment traumas. Both need to embrace a desire to achieve healthy intimacy with their partner.

    If you find yourself enmeshed in this ‘Dance”, consider speaking to a professional. The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health has certified therapists in your area that may be able to help.

     

  • The Dance of Love – The Love Avoidant

    codependent-relationshipWhat is a love avoidant?

    The love avoidant will build relational walls during intimate contact in order to prevent feeling overwhelmed by the other person. The love avoidant associates love with duty or work.

    This coping mechanism is usually the result of a child being parented by an adult with no personal boundaries, making the child “responsible” for the major caregiver’s happiness or sometimes, their survival. The child often feels smothered by the parent. As a result, the child loses all sense of self and starts believing that esteem is directly related to how much he/she takes care of other people. For the love avoidant, being in a relationship (i.e. relational) involves making sure that walls are in place to reduce the intensity in a relationship, to avoid being controlled or smothered and/or to avoid the risk of showing vulnerability. Love addiction is frequently discussed in the 12-step rooms of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, however, the love addict’s dark twin, love avoidance, is often brushed under the rug.

    What are the signs of a love avoidant personality?

    1: Fear of intimacy and emotional closeness

    For an avoidant, intimacy equals the risk of being hurt. Although in a healthy relationship emotional intimacy is essential and sought after, emotional closeness is the love avoidant’s ultimate fear. For the avoidant, intimacy is identical to a feeling of being smothered or being controlled. The love avoidant builds walls and boundaries to make intimacy more, or less, impossible.

    2: What you see is not what you get . . .

    A love avoidant may be acting as a love addict. Often they share the same desires and act as the chameleon to become their love interest’s rescuer. A love addict sees the avoidant as the perfect partner, their white knight and hero. But after a while in a relationship, the love avoidant seems to change from a hero to a cold, unavailable or distant partner. Indeed, the love avoidant cannot continue the charade of being Prince Charming and starts using certain coping mechanisms that will protect him (or her) from anyone trying to get closer.

    The avoidant uses these coping mechanisms, or boundaries, and comes across as not being “committed” to the relationship. The avoidant suddenly becomes super busy at work, volunteers an extravagant number of hours to a charity, creates drama through arguments or simply avoids physical intimacy – the love avoidant will do anything to avoid intimacy.

    3: The presence of an addiction or a compulsive problem

    A typical characteristic of the love avoidant is the presence of an addiction. Undeniably, there’s nothing better than an addiction to keep people away! From substance abuse to behavioral addictions, the avoidant person may use sex with others, video games or work to avoid intimacy in their primary relationship.

    4: Narcissism

    Often the love avoidant displays a number of narcissistic features. Although it may not be a clinical diagnosis of narcissism, the avoidant feels a sense of entitlement and has a two-faced personality – turning from “Mr. Nice Guy” in public to “King Lear” in private. Wishing to cover up their true feelings, an avoidant becomes defensive at any challenge, has major difficulty admitting a mistake, and can fall into compulsive lying. It is easy to see how the love avoidant can very often be mistaken for a person with narcissistic personality disorder.

    5: Resistant to help

    We often hear much more about the love addiction part of this illness than the love avoidance aspect, because the love avoidant is highly resistant to asking for professional help, either for themselves or their relationship. Indeed asking for help from anyone, let alone a clinical professional, would require the ability to open up oneself to vulnerability and connection . . . and of course, this is what the love avoidant fears most. Being in a relationship with a love avoidant is like being in a relationship with an actor in a movie.When the director yells “cut,” the love avoidant actor recedes to their trailer for privacy and protection from outside influences.

    Yet, somehow the love addict and love avoidant are drawn to each other. Read more on this dance of love between the love addict and love avoidant in next week’s post.

  • The Dance of Love—What is a Love Addict?

    The Dance of Love—What is a Love Addict?

    codependent-relationshipWhat are the characteristics of a love addict? 

    Scratch the surface of a sex addict and you will find a love addict. Scratch the surface of a love addict and you will find a love avoidant. This is a perplexing situation for most of the individuals who are facing these complex behavioral addictions.

    Love addiction or love avoidance is often an underlying addiction in many relationships. But it is hard to discern the dance of a love addict and a love avoidant when you are on the dance floor with one. It helps to look at the definitions of each behavior.

    What is love addiction?

    “Love addiction is defined as a coping mechanism whereby an individual is obsessed with a fantasy he/she has created about another person, believing he/she is ‘loving’ the other but in fact objectifying the other person through the use of the fantasy.”

    -Pia Mellody

    Love addiction is usually created in childhood when a parent or major caregiver is incapable of displaying love or forming an attachment with their child, such as a parent who stands behind an emotional brick wall, perhaps is abusing drugs or alcohol, or is an overachiever in the workplace or in society. As it’s psychologically impossible for the child to believe that it’s the parent’s issue, the child has no choice but to take on the blame themselves and begins feeling “less than.”

    In adulthood, the love-addicted person believes that if nobody takes care of them, they will be abandoned, and unable to survive. As a result, the love addict has very few personal boundaries, becoming needy and creating drama (intensity) in a relationship, in order to draw attention to themselves, to be noticed and therefore “kept alive.”

    Love addicts live in a world of desperate need and emotional despair. Fearful of being alone or rejected, love addicts endlessly search for that special someone – a White Knight or Princess Leia, the person who will make them feel safe. Ironically, love addicts have overlooked numerous opportunities to experience the true intimacy they think they want. Passing by many a good man or woman, because the love addict thinks they are boring. Mainly because a love addict is more strongly attracted to the intense experience of “falling in love” than they are to the peaceful intimacy of a healthy relationship. As such, they spend much of their time hunting for “the one.” They base nearly all of their life choices on the desire and search for this perfect relationship – the person with an Ivy League degree, or the interesting job, the guy with the perfect wardrobe or the woman with a perfect body. The love addict will play the chameleon, engaging in hobbies that may not interest them or portraying themselves falsely in conversations and social interactions, in order to attract their mate. But what is a love avoidant? In next week’s post, I will explore the love avoidant characteristics.

     

  • Child Pornography — Part Two

    The Child Pornography Industry

    manhattan_bridgeThe pornography industry nets approximately $13 billion dollars of revenue in the United States, alone. Illegal child pornography revenue is around $3 billion annually and is one of the fastest growing businesses online (Top Ten Reviews, 2005)[1]. In 2014, the Internet Watch Foundation found 31,266 individual child abuse domains or URLs, a 137% increase from 2013. Today, there are estimated to be more than one million pornographic images of children on the Internet, with 200 new images posted daily. The U.S. Customs Service estimates that there are more than 100,000 websites offering child pornography — which is illegal worldwide. The fastest growing demand is for images depicting the worst imaginable type of abuse and images of the youngest children. Of P2P users arrested in 2009, 33 percent had photos of children age three or younger and 42 percent had images of children that showed sexual violence. More than half of all illegal sites reported by the Internet Watch Foundation are hosted in the United States. Illegal sites in Russia have more than doubled from 286 to 706 in 2002 (National Criminal Intelligence Service, 8/21/03). One can only imagine how much free child pornography transfers hands on an annual basis. Who is possessing all of this child pornography?

    What does an Internet viewer of underage pornography look like?

    Federal child pornography charges are leveled against judges, politicians, doctors, teachers and other well-regarded members of society more frequently than you would ever imagine. If you remember in 2015 alone, Glee co-star Mark Salling, TV producer on Law and Order Jace Alexander, and the Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle were all arrested for possession of child pornography. National Juvenile Online Victimization Study found that men who view child pornography include those who are:

    • Sexually interested in prepubescent children (pedophiles) or young adolescents (hebephiles), who use child pornography images for sexual fantasy and gratification
    • Sexually compulsive, meaning they are constantly searching for new and different sexual stimuli
    • Sexually curious, downloading a few images to satisfy that curiosity
    • Interested in profiting financially by selling images or setting up websites requiring payment for access

    These offenders weren’t concentrated in any specific geographic location, and their levels of income and education varied widely. Two-thirds were single, about one-quarter lived with children under the age of 18 and about one-quarter had problems with drugs and alcohol. In 2009, similar to 2006, about 20 percent of the offenders were between the ages of 18 to 25; while the majority of men who viewed child pornography were 26 or older. The National Crimes against Children Research Center reported the great majority of those arrested were non-Hispanic white men and less than 1 percent were women.

    Possession of child pornography is a felony under federal law and in every state. If you know of anyone producing or promoting child pornography, please report them through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678. If you are concerned about what you or a loved one has been looking at while online, seek the help of a professional who specializes in this area.

    References used in this blog:

    [1] Ropelato, Jerry. Top Ten Reviews. Top Ten Reviews, Inc. 5 December, 2005. http://internet-filter-review….pornography-statistics.html

    My Kid’s Browser: http://www.mykidsbrowser.com/internet-pornography-statistics.php

    International Watch Foundation 2014 Annual Report: https://www.iwf.org.uk/accountability/annual-reports/2014-annual-report

     Center for Problem-Oriented Policing, POP Center, The Problem with Child Pornography on the Internet, Guide No.41 (2006), by Richard Wortley and Stephen Smallbone

    Enough is Enough web site: http://www.enough.org/inside.php?tag=stat archives#3

    National Juvenile Online Victimization Study

    J Clark Baird, web site of a Kentucky criminal defense attorney, http://kyfederalcriminallawyer.com/practice-areas/federal-child-pornography-charges/

    SASH- Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health- http://sash.net/

  • Child Pornography – Part One

    Child Pornography – Part One

    manhattan_bridgePossession of child pornography is a felony under federal law, as well as every state. Because I am a recovery coach, I know some offenders, and I had some questions. I wanted to know more about these viewers of child pornography. Are they all potential hands-on offenders? Is this a victimless crime? What is the demographic of the users of underage pornography? I found there were some staggering statistics about child pornography. That billions of dollars are generated annually by child porn. The volume of pornography shared for free is incredible. That one image is all that is required to be convicted and eventually spending 15 years on probation under Megan’s Law. I wondered what were the costs to maintain the non-violent offenders of Megan’s Law, for life? This blog post, as well as others that follow, will explore the issues.

    How is child pornography viewed?

    Peer-to-peer (P2P) computer platforms are the most likely portal to view underage or child pornography. These are sites that share files for free. There are also for-profit pornography sites, which charge viewers a monthly membership fee. The for-profit pornography sites do list child porn sites, but are well hidden, because to do so is illegal. A person really has to dig and search diligently to find these child porn sites. Then there is the Dark Web.

    How does a P2P Network work?

    Peer-to-peer Networks or file sharing networks are vast global systems that can be located anywhere in the world. P2P networks are used by millions of people in order to acquire, for free, popular music, current television shows, movies, electronic books, and other digital material. The software allows users to log onto any P2P network and download files from other P2P network users.

    Limewire, Gnutella, or other file sharing programs are downloaded to your computer in order for you to view files. Users create copies of movies, book or photographs, and place them into folders that are accessible to other peers. Users search by using keywords, just like you search on Google, to find these folders. Type in what you are looking for, and these keywords are broadcast to the network of participating peers and again, just like Google, files appear below the search box.

    There are several reasons P2P networks are particularly attractive to child-pornography traffickers. First, child pornography on P2P networks is free. Any person with access to the Internet can connect to a P2P network. Secondly, P2P networks do not make use of servers, which means users can transmit illegal material without oversight from an online service provider like Google, EBay or NetFlicks. P2P networks are an anonymous way used to view, buy or sell anything online. The Dark Web, however, is more anonymous.

    What is the Dark Web?

    The “Dark Web” is an encrypted network that exists between Tor servers and their clients. These Tor servers are set up to be anonymous. After downloading a Tor browser bundle, clients can search the Dark Web, a supermarket of illegal activity, for drugs, weapons, murder for hire or pornography. For a porn addict, the Dark Web has anything that addict could want. Porn mixed with anonymous high-speed Internet is a lethal mix.

    Next week, I will discuss more detail the demographic of the average child-pornography viewer and the legal consequences.

    If you know of anyone producing, promoting or possessing child pornography, please report them through the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s CyberTipline: 1 (800) 843-5678

     

  • 7 questions wives of porn addicts ask

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionPornography addiction is a form of sex addiction. Wives of porn addicts are baffled by this addiction and feel like they are partially responsible for her husband’s behavior. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction. Ella Hutchinson, a counselor from Katy, Texas who specializes in counseling wives of sex addicts. She sees women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months, years and often they never disclose. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma. Ella has formulated 7 questions wives of porn addicts ask.

    #1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?

     It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point. This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. Women are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.

    When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.

    Later Ella will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.

    #2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?

     Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,

    They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.

    Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse. Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.

    While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As a counselor, Ella hears sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.

    #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?

    Beyond the intimacy issue, pornography offers the thrill of what is forbidden. The more taboo, the more exciting. This is why a porn addict may progress to looking at more hardcore porn and even pornography involving aspects that a healthy person would consider offensive and grotesque.

    Gary Wilson, human sciences instructor, and Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, state:

     The uniqueness of Internet porn can goad a user relentlessly, as it possesses all the elements that keep dopamine surging. The excitement of the hunt for the perfect image releases dopamine. Moreover, there’s always something new, always something kinkier. Dopamine is released when something is more arousing than anticipated, causing nerve cells to fire like crazy. In contrast, sex with your spouse is not always better than expected. Nor does it offer endless variety. This can cause problems because a primitive part of your brain assumes quantity of dopamine equals value of activity, even when it doesn’t. Indeed, porn’s dopamine fireworks can produce a drug-like high that is more compelling than sex with a familiar mate.

    #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am I not pretty enough, am I  too fat, etc. What can I do?

    Ella hears this a lot and it is called justification. Your husband doesn’t want to believe he is sick. If he is not ready to admit he is an addict and take responsibility for his own behavior, he will say anything to convince you, and even himself, that he does not have a problem. Blaming you is an easy way to save face.

    There is nothing you could do to be appealing enough to make your husband stop looking at porn. We see very beautiful women whose husbands no longer desire them, couples where the wife looks like she belongs on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine or on a model runway, and the husband has admitted to her that he is physically repulsed by her. Ella speaks of another couple who has sex every day, yet she still catches him looking at porn and frequenting adult bookstores. There is simply no credibility to the argument that a wife causes or contributes to her husband’s use of pornography.

    #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?

    It is unfortunate, but true, that pornography use is overwhelmingly common. This does not make it okay or mean you should turn a blind eye. Ella often hears women say that their husband’s porn use makes them feel cheated on. This makes sense. When a man uses porn he is finding sexual satisfaction from someone other than his wife. So the betrayal a woman feels is natural. God created sex to be between a man and his wife. The Ten Commandments interpret looking at a woman with lust is the same as committing adultery with her in his heart. Looking at porn is purposely choosing to lust.

    #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?

    In short, you cannot make him stop. It usually takes something significant to get a man to the point where he is ready to admit his porn addiction. This is what they call “hitting rock bottom”. Sometimes, for a man who has hidden his porn use for years, just getting caught is enough. But more often, it takes losing his job, his wife leaving him, or another monumental event to shake him to the core and wake him up to reality. It may be his porn use progressing to acting out with another person or other people and facing the multiple possible consequences of this, to cause him to recognize his need for help.

    You can insist your husband stop his porn use and you have every right to do so. The compulsive use of porn will, without exception, do damage to your marriage and your family. It affects a person’s sense of right and wrong. It can cause your husband to lose respect for you. You will likely feel him pulling further away from you and your family as he gets more entrenched in this sinful lifestyle. If he refuses help, it will only get worse. Your pleading that he stop will fall on deaf ears if he isn’t ready to hear it. This is a harsh reality, but one too many women just do not get. Some women beg and plead for decades until they grow cold and bitter. Then they tell me that they wish they had left years ago and feel they have wasted most of their life.

    When porn is an issue, it is likely that extramarital affairs are or will become an issue. This means you are at risk of more than the heartache of discovering your husband has been sexual with another person. You are also at risk of STDs or your husband fathering another woman’s child. Additionally, your children are almost guaranteed early exposure to porn, something that was likely a contributing factor in your husband’s addiction.

    #7: Is there hope? Can a man like this change?

    Recovery from sexual addiction is very much possible. Men who get out feel a sense of freedom, as if a huge boulder has been lifted off their chest. It is such a liberating feeling that many men forget that their wives are still grieving from his actions and likely will be for some time.

    For some men, simply the threat of their wife leaving is enough to cause them to get help. But for many others, they need something more. This can cause you, as the wife, to feel helpless. You are not helpless. You can’t control your husband’s recovery, but as the injured spouse, you can control your own. The fact that you need recovery does not mean you are sick or that something is wrong with you, but that you have likely been traumatized by your husband’s behavior. Your recovery includes building up a support system for yourself. Don’t keep silent. Reach out to a trusted friend, your pastor, or a therapist. Keeping this secret will cause feelings of shame, loneliness and isolation. Finding a support group for wives of sex/porn addicts can be very helpful. If there is not one in your area, there are phone support groups available, led by trained life coaches and therapists who have been in your shoes. Finally, learn to recognize your unmet needs and what it will take to meet them. A skilled therapist can help you with this. The absolute best book written for wives is Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. Ella strongly encourages you to find a therapist (individual and marriage) who is familiar with this book and subscribes to the treatment model described in it. If your therapist isn’t familiar, ask if they’d be willing to read it.

    Beyond self-care, Ella recommends that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction for your relationship. This means bottom line behaviors that you will not tolerate and actions you need to see happening in order for you to feel safe in your marriage. Your list of unacceptable behaviors may include viewing pornography in the home, inappropriate conversations or relationships with other people, and other possible abusive behaviors toward you that are often present in a sexual addict. The actions you need to see your husband take might be installing a filter on computers and phones, open discussions about where all the money is going with you having access to all accounts, attending sexual purity or sexual addiction support groups, counseling, and talking to a pastor.

    Before you present this to your husband, make sure you are prepared to follow through with consequences if he refuses or does not stick to what he agreed to do. Consequences can be anything from insisting one of you move to a separate bedroom (an in-house separation) to one of you moving out of the home. Your husband will likely be resistant to you setting these boundaries and may accuse you of being demanding and giving him an ultimatum. Do not engage in any kind of manipulative or accusatory conversations with your husband. Learn to recognize this behavior and refuse to participate. It is important that you wait to address your new boundaries until you are able to do so in a calm manner. A therapist’s presence (and guidance beforehand) is a good idea. A good book on this topic is The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern.

    If your husband does not follow the boundaries you set, you now have a choice to make. You can choose to accept that your husband is simply not ready to stop his porn use. This means letting go of the nagging, criticism, and efforts to control (which should have stopped already by this point since you have learned they don’t work). If you choose to to not follow through with the consequences, even though he has made it clear through his words or actions that he is not willing to stop, you are choosing to accept his behavior. This will probably require a good deal of emotional detachment on your part. It may be a marriage that looks more like you are roommates. Ella says she has not yet met a woman who has chosen this arrangement and found any kind of long-term life satisfaction in it, but it is an option.

    Your choices may need to include making the necessary preparations in case you need to leave. This may mean getting a job if you don’t work and starting to put money aside. Separation does not mean divorce, but it can be a prelude to it. Ideally, that should not be the goal for separation. The purpose is to show your husband that you are unwilling to share him with pornography. Once he sees you are serious and can no longer be placated with words and half-hearted attempts that don’t last, he is also more likely to take his addiction seriously. Also, getting physical space between you and him can make it easier for you to clear your mind, spend more time in prayer and God’s Word, and make objective decisions about your future. A good Christian counselor can guide you through a therapeutic separation where rules are put in place for you both to follow during this time.

    Many men have escaped the chains of sexual addiction. Here is an important truth to be aware of. Your husband has probably tried to stop more times than he can count. He is not deriving pleasure from his lifestyle. He keeps going back, trying to fill a void that porn will never fill. Willpower is not enough. Recovery from sexual addiction is multifaceted, but includes reaching out to other men who have been there, and often requires professional help as well.

    God must be the central focus in recovery. However, many men have learned the hard way, in the words of author, speaker, therapist and recovering addict, Dr. Mark Laaser, “You can’t pray it away.” If prayer was all we needed then we wouldn’t have to have jobs or pay bills. We could just pray about it and our bank account would never run out and the bills would get paid. If prayer was enough we could eat and drink whatever we want and every check-up would reveal a clean bill of health. But God wants us to do the work, and keep doing it.

    Once a man has decided to become serious about recovery from sexual addiction, there are more steps to take to help the marriage heal. After all, just because the behavior has stopped, it doesn’t mean the damage that has been done will go away. Marriage counseling with a skilled sex addiction therapist is important. Couple’s Intensives are a great way to get a jump start on recovery for the couple. Ella recommends the book Hope and Freedom by Milton Magness to learn more about recovery for you, your husband, and your marriage. You can also read more of Ella’s blogs, learn about her weekend retreats and other issues surrounding marriage and sexual addiction on Ella’s website, Comfort Christian Counseling.

    . . . .

    ella hutchinson photoElla Hutchinson, is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Counseling from St. Edward’s University in Austin, TX. She is also a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. In addition, Ella is certified in treating sex addiction and specializes in counseling partners of sexual addicts. She practices at

           Comfort Christian Counseling

    2900 Commercial Center Blvd #101, Katy, TX 77494

    You can contact Ella at:

    http://comfortchristiancounseling.com/

     

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  • Ten ways of Improving Your Chances of Keeping that New Year’s Resolution

    calvin-hobbes-new-year-resolution1Make a list and think it through

    It’s that time and everyone is thinking of New Year’s Resolutions. You’re itching to get rid of that bad habit right now, but consider this: think it through. I know you have heard that AA saying “Baby Steps” before…but sticking to a habit change is not trying to be perfect right out of the gate. So before you start trying to change a habit, consider thinking about it thoroughly for a month or two. First, list every reason you want to stop, figuring out what triggers or cues you react to, what routine you fall into as a result of that trigger and experiment with the types of rewards you are looking for from that habit. Write down and record every time you catch yourself doing the habit, and soon a pattern will appear. Maybe checking out a few twelve step programs or a therapy group can give you an idea of outside support options. You will be better prepared to conquer the habit after processing it during the next few weeks.

    2.  Identify your triggers

    By doing this review you will see you do the same behaviors, in the same place, at the same time. If at 3:00, you go on a smoke break in your car, the time and the car itself can become a trigger (or cues as Charles Duhigg author of The Power of Habit calls them). These actions can become a cue to start a habit —sometimes these cues are very subtle to notice. As AA says “Avoid People, Places and Things.” Identify and understand your triggers. These triggers fall into one of the following five categories:

    1. Location, a bar, your ex-girlfriend’s neighborhood, a bakery
    2. Time, 3:00, happy hour, visiting family
    3. Emotional State, Hungry, angry, lonely or tired
    4. Other People, the ex, your Mom, Dad or that annoying co-worker
    5. An immediately preceding action, or what happened just before you picked up that joint? An argument with your spouse? Anticipating that your boss will ream your butt at work this morning for being late? Packing the car to see the folks for the holidays?

    3.  Delayed Gratification and Contingency Management

    There are some other simple psychological tricks you can employ as well, such as delayed gratification and contingency management. The 20-Second Rule is an example of delayed gratification: Make bad habits take 20 seconds longer to start. For example, move junk food to the back of the pantry, or leave the credit cards at home so you don’t over spend on lunch. A program sister suggests a Rule of Five, delaying the behavior until you have 5 glasses of water, or walk for 5 minutes or call five 12 step program people. Consider rewarding yourself for not relapsing, it’s called contingency management. Suggest this to yourself: if I don’t act out for 60 days, I can lead the Sunday night 12 step meeting or if I don’t drink now, later tonight, my wife and I can be intimate, or if I don’t use this week my IOP counselor will give me a free lunch coupon for the Olive Garden.

    4. Reframe that habit thought

    Even if we hate the habit we’re doing, like smoking or over eating, we tend to continue doing it because it provides us with some sort of satisfaction or psychological reward. Catch yourself thinking any positive thoughts or feelings about your bad habits (like: if I have a drink, I will not feel so nervous around my in-laws) and reframe these thoughts to remind you of the negative aspects of your habits. Maybe think this thought instead, “One drink is too many and a thousand drinks is not enough.” That is reframing the habit thought.

    5.  Willpower is in limited supply

    Research has shown that we don’t have unlimited willpower (it didn’t take scholarly research to confirm this for you!) The truth is we’re constantly exercising willpower and self-control. The problem is that willpower is like a muscle, capable of fatigue and a muscle can’t be flexed forever. Researchers placed some study participants in situations in which they had to practice self-control—like not eating chocolate-chip cookies in front of them. While another group could eat as many cookies as they wanted. Then both groups were given a second test that required self-control.

    The results? The group that had to resist the cookies did not perform as well on the second task. The group that was allowed to eat as many cookies they wanted, excelled at this second self-control test. The conclusion was that those who had to exert more willpower in the first task exhausted their willpower strength, and were unable to exert the self-control needed for the second task.

    Just place yourself in a similar situation, think of you controlling yourself from strangling your self-absorbed-narcissistic colleague during a staff meeting, then around to 3:00, a typical smoke break time for you, you are triggered. You want to not smoke, but low and behold, a cigarette seems like just the reward you need.

    6.  Make a plan for relapses

    Chances are you’re going to have bad days. Setbacks are normal and we should expect them. Have a plan to get back on track. Recovery coaches call this a relapse prevention plan (click here to link to Mary Ellen Copeland’s WRAP Plan). Coaches have the client write a relapse prevention plan directly after a slip as a way to understand what happened and how to avoid it next time.

    7.  Harm Reduction Option

    Every recovery coach anticipates a relapse, they acknowledge it will happen and attach no shame or guilt to a slip. Often, choosing an action based on Harm Reduction, (which is most often recognized as distributing clean needles to intravenous drug users to reduce HIV infection) is a good alternative. Some Harm Reduction ideas are: smoke a cigarette instead of a blasting a whole stick, limit yourself to buying a lottery ticket instead of logging on to a gambling web site or eat a cup of fruit yogurt instead of a chocolate chip cookie.

    8.  Change takes a village

    With making a resolution to change, don’t attach it to the ever failing New Year’s Resolution. Attach it to a positive change within you. Let people know about it. Ask for help, even if it is a nagging wife or over- bearing parent. Better yet, join a 12 step group. Research shows change happens when you have support from others.

    9.  Make a Plan

    Once you have figured out your ‘habit loop’, your cues/triggers, the routine you use, and the reward you expect, you can begin to shift your behavior. All you need is a plan. Open your-self up for improved, healthier routines; such as meditation, an afternoon walk, a talk with a co-worker or new way to drive home. These will become very good sources of generating your rewards and within 30, 60 or 90 days it will become a habit. Just give it time and

    10. Don’t give up! Keep trying!! It’s progress not perfection!

     

    Happy New Year!

    Special thanks to Charles Duhigg author of The Power of Habit for supplying all of this excellent information on changing a habit and to Calvin and Hobbes for making fun of it!