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  • Addicted to Dimes, Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat – Part 3

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionThis week’s guest blogger is  Catherine Townsend-Lyon, an author, blogger and  marketing guru. Catherine lives in Arizona and is a recovering gambling addict. For the next two weeks, Catherine will feature segments of her book “Addicted to Dimes” in this blog.

    The Woman in the Mirror

    I used gambling to get reactions from people who didn’t communicate feelings or get reactions from people who had hurt me.

    I know I’ve always had a compulsive type of personality and high anxiety most of my life. I had to always be moving or engaged in something. While in treatment, and during my first time in the crisis center, I found out I suffer from severe depression, severe anxiety and PTSD from my childhood trauma. I started on medications for them, in November 2002. I also remember, while in the crisis center after being there only a few days, I was getting ready to take a shower and I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn’t recognize the woman looking back at me. I’d always been a fun, bubbly, caring person, but this woman looking back at me, I didn’t know or recognize. I also was suffering with mood swings sleep problems and felt as though the medications I was taking weren’t helping these symptoms. I sure wished they could come up with a cure or a pill for gambling addiction.

    Needing My Parents Love I Never Got

    I found that there were other people going through some of the same things with their addiction as I was. The amount of money lost to our gambling may have been different, but I didn’t feel as though I was alone in this insane disease. There is a lot more to the addiction than just placing a bet or being in action. I learned to use my addiction as a way to cope with feelings and disappointments that I had pushed deep down rather than dealing with them. I would gamble to escape reality, which was very immature in retrospect. I was selfish and only cared about myself. Just as the addiction makes you selfish, so does recovery. Recovery requires hard work and the desire to want to stop gambling.

    You have to put those first, before everything else, to get well again. For me, I know the problem started a long time ago. As I was growing up, I had this nagging feeling of always having to prove myself to others, especially my parents, and I wasted many years doing just that. The only thing I ever wanted was my parents’ unconditional love. I became emotionally drained after years of waiting to hear they were proud of me. My parents were not the type of people to share their feelings or emotions, so it led me on a long journey of trying to win their approval of me.

    Bah, Bah Black Sheep

    It seemed I was destined to be the black sheep of the family, and seemed to be treated as such as I got into adulthood. I think that’s where I got my feelings of a sense of entitlement, later on in my life. Because of the way my family had hurt me so much through the years, I used my addiction to hurt them. But the only one I really hurt was myself. Growing up, I just wanted to be heard, or acknowledged. That’s all. We didn’t have any family history of gambling problems. When my parents had friends or family over, they would play cards, or my mom would play bingo now and then. My dad was in the Air Force, so she’d go to the air base at Norton to play bingo. My sister and I would tag along sometimes and we’d win things like irons and toasters.

    I hope you enjoyed reading the first few sections of Catherine’s book, Addicted to Dimes. The series will continue for another week. We know in recovery that we turn to addiction for many reasons, and that we can recover without knowing the reasons why we walked down such a dark path. And sometimes, we discover some of the underlying issues of why the addiction sucked us in.

    Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon lives in Arizona writes a blog on her web site: https://catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com/author/kitcat4459/

    And works with other authors on marketing their books at:

    https://anAuthorandWriterinProgress.wordpress.com

    You can Email her at: LyonMedia@aol.com

     

     

     

     

  • Addicted to Dimes, Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat – Part 2

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionThis week’s guest blogger is  Catherine Townsend-Lyon, an author, blogger and  marketing guru. Catherine lives in Arizona and is a recovering gambling addict. For the next three weeks, Catherine will feature segments of her book “Addicted to Dimes” in this blog.

     Baffling Exposure

    Another part of this addiction that baffled me was the medical side of the disease. When you see people with drug or alcohol addictions, by most outward appearances, you can usually tell when someone is under the influence.

    With a gambling addiction, the chemicals in your body have the same effect as substances do for other addicts. I just could not wrap my head around that. Gambling addicts have the same types of physical symptoms such as the shakes from withdrawals, feeling sick to one’s stomach, sweats and chills. The feelings of fear, hopelessness, emotional and mental blackouts and suicidal thoughts after a gambling binge or relapse, and after the reality of the devastation you’ve just caused financially … feeling the loss of control, and powerlessness over being able to stop gambling. You’re on edge and stressed all the time, and often thinking about how, when and where you will gamble again, and how to get the money. There is a never-ending gambling cycle. It runs in many phases. This was the most important thing I learned later on, in intense therapy, with a guy who came to my aid in 2006. I will share more about that later in this book.

    I learned with the cycle of my addiction, it goes in an insane cycle when you cross the line into uncontrollable gambling. I also learned there are many reasons why we turn to compulsive gambling in the first place. It can be from childhood or adult traumas, or events like child abuse, sexual abuse, or mental and emotional abuses. It could be from some underlying behaviors, a death, or that you may have grown up with addicted gamblers. You use it as a coping skill or as an escape from everyday life.

    The cycle of my addiction starts with the winning phase. At first, you seem to win often, which makes you want to gamble more often. I remember how the feelings of excitement build, and how I thought I could win enough to make all my dreams come true, and pay off my bills. That’s when you start increasing the amount you bet, and how much money you bring to play with. I’d tell everyone how I won all the time. (Red flag of denial.) Then you’ll go through the losing phase. That is, when I noticed I was gambling more by myself. That’s when I started to lie and cover up the money I lost, and when I started to obsess about gambling all the time. I started to borrow money from family and pawned some jewelry. Bills started being late and I noticed a change in my attitude and personality.

    Finally, after several years, I got into a desperate phase. I started feeling hopeless. I fought with my husband a lot, and I blamed our financial problems on things other than my gambling. I lost time from work, family and friends. I was gambling every chance I got, then more credit cards and more debt. I stole, lied and cheated. My reputation and good character was damaged. All that and more happened before I got help.

    I hope you enjoyed reading the first few sections of Catherine’s book, Addicted to Dimes. The series will continue for the next two weeks. We know in recovery that we turn to addiction for many reasons, and that we can recover without knowing the reasons why we walked down such a dark path. And sometimes, we discover some of the underlying issues of why the addiction sucked us in.

    Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon lives in Arizona writes a blog on her web site: https://catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com/author/kitcat4459/

    And works with other authors on marketing their books at:

    https://anAuthorandWriterinProgress.wordpress.com

    You can Email her at: LyonMedia@aol.com

     

     

     

     

  • Addicted to Dimes, Confessions of a Liar and a Cheat

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionThis week’s guest blogger is  Catherine Townsend-Lyon, an author, blogger and  marketing guru. Catherine lives in Arizona and is a recovering gambling addict. For the next four weeks, Catherine will feature segments of her book “Addicted to Dimes” in this blog.

     “Sometimes we have to see on paper everything gambling addiction has taken from us.”

    The Early Years – Just another Ordinary Day

    I awoke to another cold and rainy morning in Southern Oregon to find my husband had already left for work. I saw the newspaper on the kitchen counter. I grabbed a cup of coffee, sat down and began to read. I came across a small headline that read, “Woman found dead in motel room.” The story was about a local woman who was in her late 50s. She was found dead in a motel next to a large Indian casino, about 40 miles north of where I live. I’d been to that casino many, many times. I started to get this sick feeling. The woman’s name was withheld until they could notify her family. She was found on the floor with a gunshot wound to the head. Police said it looked like a suicide. They found a note on a table that simply read, “I couldn’t stop gambling. Please tell my family I’m sorry.” The police did rule her death a suicide.

    Just then, I said a prayer for this woman’s soul, and for her family. Even though I never met her, I could have been her. I knew what torment and pain she felt before she died. I felt as though hands were grasping my throat and that someone had taken a sharp knife and pierced it right through my heart. See, I too had been an addicted gambler up until about four and a half years ago, so I understood the hopelessness that woman must have felt. I too experienced the pain of feeling like the only option you have left is to commit suicide. Needless to say, both of my attempts failed, which landed me in the hospital … twice, then into a mental and addictions crisis center … twice. It was a turbulent four years. I’d been on suicide watch both times, because I was so low and broken from the addiction. I just wanted to die. Why? To find some peace. Reading this article got me thinking of those dark years of emotional torment and very disturbed thinking.
    I finished reading the story and I had tears in my eyes. I started thinking about the hell I went through, so I couldn’t help but grab the box that I had in my closet of gambling addiction books, my journals, and all the educational materials I’d received from the countless times I’d tried to stop my gambling addiction. I’d been in and out of treatment groups and counseling so many times. I attended 12-step support groups, therapy, even church, for more than eight years. Recovery is not an easy thing.

    As I finished the article about this nameless woman, I wiped the tears from my eyes. I was so inspired by this woman’s story. It gave me a “call to action,” to write this book, but not knowing it would become published at the time. I have gained so much knowledge through treatment programs, 12-step support groups, and listening to others talk about their gambling addictions and experiences. My own story of journal entries are relied upon daily. They remind me of the horrific times I had with my addiction. They keep me from ever getting too complacent with this devastating illness. I thought, ”Why not put all of this in a book, to share with others what I’d been through, so other people out there who may have a problem with gambling, who feel lost, alone or hopeless, can know they are not alone?” No one should ever have to choose death over their own sanity. Many people aren’t aware that compulsive gambling addiction has the highest suicide rate.

    I started reading through my many journals I had written in. It’s a form of therapy, which I’d learned in my treatment programs. All the pain came rushing back, while reading some of the “dark entries, from when I was in the crisis center. I also was slapped in the face with the reality of what I’d done to others in my addiction, especially what I’d put my husband of 22 years through. There were two things that stood out to me right away, when I first tried to attain recovery. The first was how I got so hung up on just wanting to be “normal” again. The second was just how powerless this addiction makes you feel – the true loss of control over your gambling, once you cross the line into uncontrolled compulsive gambling.

    I hope you enjoyed reading the first few sections of Catherine’s book, Addicted to Dimes. The series will continue for the next three weeks. We know in recovery that we turn to addiction for many reasons, and that we can recover without knowing the reasons why we walked down such a dark path. And sometimes, we discover some of the underlying issues of why the addiction sucked us in. 

    Author, Catherine Townsend-Lyon lives in Arizona writes a blog on her web site: https://catherinelyonaddictedtodimes.wordpress.com/author/kitcat4459/

    And works with other authors on marketing their books at:

    https://anAuthorandWriterinProgress.wordpress.com

    You can Email her at: LyonMedia@aol.com

     

  • Every narcissist needs a codependent love addict

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    “The most common toxic relationship is between the codependent love addict and the narcissist love addict. Opposites attract and love addicts are vulnerable to charming people.” -Author, therapist and founder of Love Addicts Anonymous, Susan Peabody.

    Narcissism is a personality disorder. It stems from childhood abuse. When these abused children are young, they decide that the world, and the people in it, are bad and they are the only ones that are good. These thoughts result in a distorted view of themselves. They are the ones that are perfect, and they should be catered to. They lack compassion for others, because everyone else is ‘less than’ or wrong. In general, narcissists are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship because they have to be in control at all times. But really, a narcissist has to be in control so they are not abandoned, abused or hurt. These narcissistic behaviors find a home in any gender, male or female and in any relationship, heterosexual, gay or bi-sexual.

    If you keep your eyes open, you can detect a narcissist’s need for control and self-centeredness. If you make an error they will be critical and unsympathetic. And they will never forget a past mistake. They hold you to a high standard and exhibit disdain for what they consider weakness or vulnerability.

    Narcissists are very charming in order to seduce people into liking them. Their ability to impress people is amazing. They appear confident, exciting and are a “match made in heaven”. Love addicts fall for narcissists and bond with them. The narcissist is so good at their craft, that when their true colors emerge, they manipulate their codependent love addict partner to ensure they will not abandon them. It is as if the narcissist and codependent love addict are fighting for the same thing. The codependent love addict fears abandonment as much as the narcissist.

    Early abandonment of a child places that kid into a very harsh environment, forcing them to endure and grow up rapidly. They hate the fact they were abandoned but believe that they can endure, and if they work hard enough, abandonment will never happen to them again. A codependent love addict adult emerges from this traumatic childhood environment.

    A male codependent love addict is a survivor. He will scrape and do without in order for his offspring and family to survive. These men are self-effacing, excelling in sales, in service positions or dealing with the public. If he needs more money than his 9-5 career can provide, we will find him at a grocery store stocking shelves at midnight or a Home Depot directing others to purchase Sawzalls or mulch on a weekend. These codependent love addicts are constantly fulfilling their role as the primary enabler for their narcissist. A consummate “make doer”, he is unable to speak up for himself, selling himself short in order to avoid the pain of conflict with his loved one. He is strong, he is resilient, and he is a “mute coyote”.

    You might want to consider attending a 12 step mutual support group such as:

    http://www.loveaddicts.org/

    http://www.slaafws.org

    http://coda.org/

    http://www.adultchildren.org/

    To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), which is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment.

    http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals

    We Codependent Men – We Mute Coyotes by Carrie C-B , Ken P, Bob T http://www.amazon.com/We-Codependent-Men-Inspiration-Addicted/dp/0578079704

  • I’m a guy, how can I be a love addict?

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    “Seeing her in the afternoon was like being in heaven, it took away all of my worries”

    “This is the only woman who has ever understood me.”

    “She is the woman I have dreamed of being with my whole life.”

    “She will fix me.”

    You are a guy—can you be a love addict? There are many men who have thought these thoughts. There are many men who are dedicated to their wives, yet, seek love in the arms of other women. There are other men who do, do, do for their wives and their families without ever considering their own needs. It is very hard for a man to admit he is a love addict. But there are many men in the 12-step rooms of Love Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous that recognize they have a behavioral addiction: love addiction. People fall into love addiction because the behavior is transformative. In this case, feelings of love, romance and fantasy are a “fix” or a sedative for the negative feelings of anxiety, despair, self-doubt, rage, fear of abandonment, etc. The problem is that the fix doesn’t last. Just like any sedative, it wears off. All healthy relationships transverse from euphoria to loving. Along that trail you receive the knowledge that your partner is a separate person with faults as well as gifts. You don’t feel rebuffed by your lover, for being you. You know she loves you, warts and all. Or does she? Love addiction is built on relationships that form heightened feelings of anxiety instead of feelings of safety and nurturing. Have you ever felt your relationship has moved from feelings of euphoria to feelings of doubt, depression or anxiety in a nanosecond? A love addict will often think “I love you, but, please stop hurting me.” I say think, because very often these thoughts are stuffed down and never verbalized after the first or second comments were met with a disdainful response. The love addict will deny reality, search for a flicker of the early magic, and tolerate anything in order to obtain a sense of security from their partner. But that sense of security rarely is obtained. The love addict’s dependency on another person is characterized as maintaining the connection, approval or fantasized attachment to the other person. Occasionally, the term fantasy addict is heard in the “S” rooms. How often has a love addict, hurt and emotionally abused by their wife or girlfriend, retreated into the computer fantasy world of porn to seek what they are really looking for in their relationship? The love addict can live in the non-reality or fantasy that their lives are working, because they have the outward trappings of success (the house, clothes, cars, kids doing well). The denial of reality for the love addict is based on their fear of being abandoned, so the love addict makes up in his head that his miserable, love-less life is a small sacrifice as compared to him being alone.

    Accepting crumbs

    One of the greatest losses a male love addict experiences is his loss of self. The constant acting out in an unhealthy relationship results in an increasingly devalued view of self by the love addict, and an increasing idealized version of his love interest. There is an increased need to depend on the wife, partner, boss or friend as the stakes get higher. It is, at times, as if reality has become obscured. A businessman complains:

    “I think she is trying to trick me to slip up, so she can leave me.”

    “I will lie to avoid conflict.”

    “I can last a year on just one compliment.”

    The ability to trust is absent in addictive relationships. The pattern of these relationships involves more and more dependence, less and less fulfillment and many negative consequences that can border on abuse. The cost of being a love addict can affect any part of a man’s life, all of his relationships, family as well as in his career. If a love addict actually loses his “fix,” he suffers not only psychological devastation; but a physical feeling of withdrawal which could include sleeplessness, eating difficulties, disorientation, sweating, cramps, anxiety, and nausea.

    Can I recover?

    It is often from these intense feelings of withdrawal that recovery begins. It begins with the end of denial and the recognition that these feelings could be an addiction. Withdrawal involves the wish to change, even when that wish comes from loss and pain. Recovery is not about finding another person or reclaiming your former lover, but about reclaiming yourself. Recovery from love addiction most often necessitates seeking professional help to regulate your feelings, grow your acceptance of self, improve your self-esteem, heal your past wounds, to look at your dependency issues and to forgive yourself. You might want to consider attending a 12-step mutual support group such as: http://www.loveaddicts.org/ http://www.slaafws.org http://coda.org/ http://www.adultchildren.org/ To find a professional with counseling experience in love addiction go to The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH) web site. SASH is a nonprofit organization dedicated to scholarship and training of professionals certified in sex and love addiction treatment. http://www.iitap.com/certification/addiction-professionals

  • Bob Timmins – A Titan in the World of Recovery Coaching.

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionBob Timmins, an addiction specialist who is credited with salvaging the lives of a long list of celebrity drug users by steering them onto the path of sobriety and helping them stay there, died of respiratory failure in 2008 at his home in Marina del Rey after battling years of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. He was 61 [i]. Though little known by the public at large, Timmins was a titan in the world of recovery coaching.

    Some of his clients — members of the bands Red Hot Chili Peppers, Mötley Crüe and Aerosmith — have spoken publicly about Timmins’ role in helping them battle drug abuse. But most celebrities preferred anonymity, a request Timmins took pride in honoring. “Bob has helped everyone from the owners of sports franchises to heads of movie studios to Grammy-winning, internationally known music idols . . . as well as the most down and out homeless person who comes to him for help,” said Michael Nasatir, a friend, and a criminal defense attorney in Santa Monica, who worked with Timmins early in his career.

    What Timmins knew about drug abuse, recovery and redemption was learned from experience

    Robert Wayne Timmins was born in Los Angeles on Sept. 27, 1946, the son of a police officer. His mother suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and when Bob was 9 years old, she attempted to murder him. Timmins was placed in foster care, by ninth grade he lived on the streets, was a heroin junky, and as  a convicted felon, he spent time in San Quentin. It was in San Quentin that Timmins met Danny Trejo, they were cell mates and prison gang members, these two were familiar with all forms of prison violence. Yet, it was Trejo that introduced Bob to the 12 step rooms. When Trejo left San Quentin, he told Timmins to look him up after his release. Four years later, expecting to start-up exactly where he had left off before entering San Quentin, Timmins showed up at Trejo’s doorstep. Danny Trejo took him to his house, and offered him a spare bedroom to stay in. When Timmins said “Come on, let’s do some things…” in response, Trejo took him to a 12-step meeting. Trejo introduced him to Eddie, his first sponsor, and the rest, let’s say is history. Bob Timmins credits Trejo and Eddie, with turning his life around. Eddie was Timmins’ sponsor until Eddie died with 47 years of sobriety. Timmins said “If I didn’t get a sponsor and jump into recovery, I wasn’t going to stay long enough to get anything.” [ii]

    In the years that followed, Timmins helped found and was involved with several organizations, including the CLARE Foundation, Cinco Swim Sober Living Home, the recovery centers Impact House and Cri-HELP in Los Angeles as well as the National Association of Drug Court Professionals. Early in his career he began working with troubled youths, including a young Jeff McFarland.

    “I met him when he worked at a rehab hospital I was in,” said Jeff McFarland, who is now an attorney. “I was a 19-year-old drug addict and criminal, and he helped me turn things around. He had instant credibility. When you spoke to him, you knew that he had lived the life that you live. And he understood.” Today, McFarland is the chair of The Timmins Foundation [iii]. The Timmins Foundation is a nonprofit organization established in memory of Bob Timmins, whose work changed Jeff McFarland’s and countless other young people’s lives. The Timmins Foundation supports a “Bob Timmins Bed” that provides beds for inpatient treatment or residence in a sober living home for a year to clients that are unable to afford the entire cost on their own. The Timmins Foundation seeks to provide financial support for the early intervention and treatment of substance abuse, which Bob knew could prove to be the difference between a life well-lived and a life wasted. The Foundation goes into the community, seeking out young adults in need of treatment and builds a sense of purpose for young adults in post-treatment recovery [iv].

    In courts across the nation, Timmins was an expert witness and a consultant in the development of treatment plans for addiction-related offenders. He assessed drug addicts before they went to trial, he advised them and suggested to the judge to place them into treatment instead of incarceration. Judges and lawyers paid Timmins for his expertise in selecting a proper program for a defendant, “but the amount we paid him was a joke compared to what he did,” said Bernard Kamins, who served as a Los Angeles County Superior Court judge from 1985 to 2007 and worked with Timmins in the California Drug Court system. “Here’s this guy who for $150 would get somebody straightened out. . . . He knew the right places to put people, and he gave them two things: hope and motivation. As a judge I couldn’t do that,” Kamins said. Timmins steered clients to 12-step meetings and helped them find sponsors. But Timmins did more, drawing from the people he knew and had helped in the past, he could put an addict in contact with a youth homeless shelter, admit them into a treatment center at no cost, introduce them to the president of a recording studio or aid in their admission into USC. Timmins was that type of guy.

    Working with celebrities did not leave Timmins star-struck

    In the entertainment industry, Timmins influenced the way recording labels treat artists by requesting amenities such as “safe harbor rooms”:  hospitality suites that are clean of drugs and alcohol. In the entertainment industry, drugs and alcohol were given freely to the artists to stimulate their creativity and as perks for their performance. As a recovering entertainer this was a very dangerous environment to be in, Bob changed this dynamic in the industry. After the 1995 death of Shannon Hoon of the group Blind Melon from a drug overdose, Michael Greene, president and CEO of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences announced the first industry wide symposium on the subject of drugs in rock and asked Bob Timmins to help. Beside “safe harbor rooms” and contractual guidelines that advocate sobriety, the symposium and Grammy.org helped Timmins and Howard Owens start the MusiCares Foundation, and MAP, the Musician’s Assistance Program, which provide assistance to musicians, including those suffering from addiction. MusiCares provides a safety net of critical assistance; services and resources that will cover a wide range of financial, medical and personal emergencies for music people in times of need. MusiCares celebrated 20 years in 2013.

    In a 1991 article in GQ magazine; he said “I see them as human beings first. I see them in their pain and try to help them through a suicide attempt or whatever’s going on”[v]. Bob Timmins was one of the most influential foundational thinkers in recovery coaching, developing the concepts of sober companionship, recovery coaching and legal services coaching. Through the years he tirelessly helped rock star, millionaire or skid row addict with the same compassion and conviction, whether he was compensated handsomely or graced with a humble handshake and a thank you. Bob was a milestone in the recovery coaching movement.

    Hear Bob Timmin’s AA Story, this is a must hear:

    http://timminsfoundation.org/Speech2005b.html

     

    References:

    [i] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com

    [ii] Christopher Kennedy Lawford “Moments of Clarity: Voices from the Front Lines of Addiction”, Harper Collins NY

    [iii] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com

    [iv] The Timmins Foundation, 865 S. Figueroa St., 10th Floor, Los Angeles, CA 90017. http://timminsfoundation.wordpress.com/2008/12/20/the-timmins-foundation/

    [v] Addiction specialist worked with celebrities OBITUARIES / Bob Timmins, 1946 – 2008 March 08, 2008| Jocelyn Y. Stewart | LA Times Staff Writer- jocelyn.stewart@latimes.com

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  • Alcohol Kills One Person Every Ten Seconds

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionThe misuse and abuse of alcohol affect the lives, health and well-being of billions of people. A World Health Organization 2014 report stated the consumption of alcohol led to 3.3 million deaths around the world. In essence, the report says that alcohol kills 1 person every 10 seconds.

    Shekhar Saxena, head of the World Health Organization’s Mental Health and Substance Abuse department, reports that there are roughly 3.25 billion people in the world that drink, and these drinkers consume an average of 4.5 gallons of pure alcohol a year. China is estimated to increase it’s per person, per year alcohol consumption ratio by an additional 1.5 liters of pure alcohol by 2025.

    According to SAMHSA’s National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), more than half of all U.S. adult citizens drink alcohol, with 6.6% meeting criteria for an alcohol-use disorder.

    One in 10 deaths among working-age adults aged 20-64 years are due to excessive alcohol use.

    A CDC study, published in June of this year, found that nearly 70% of deaths due to drinking involved working-age adults, and about 70% of those deaths involved males. Nearly 88,000 people die in the U.S. from alcohol-related causes annually, making it the third most preventable cause of death in the United States. In 2013, fatal accidents involving an alcohol-impaired driver accounted for 10,076 deaths or 30.8 % of all driving fatalities.

    Men are more likely than women to experience alcohol-related deaths. Although more women are drinking today as compared to 2012, of the 88,000 alcohol related deaths, approximately 62,000 were men and 26,000 were women. This study proclaims that excessive alcohol use can shortened the lives of working-age adults by about 30 years.

    Alexandra Sifferlin for Time Magazine reported that harmful alcohol use not only leads to addiction, but it can put people at a higher risk of over 200 disorders like liver disease, tuberculosis and pneumonia.

    Binge drinking can damage the frontal cortex and other areas of the brain

    The CDC report shows that 16% of drinkers partake in binge drinking, which is the most dangerous form of alcohol consumption. Some of the risks associated with binge drinking are well known. It increases the risk for sexual assault, violence and self-harm. But the physical effects of such behaviors on the body are often not discussed. According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), there’s strong evidence to suggest that regular binge drinking impacts executive functioning and decision making by damaging the frontal cortex and other areas of the brain.

    According to the 2013 The National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH), approximately 5.4 million people (about 14.2%) in the age range of 12-20 years, were binge drinkers (15.8% of males and 12.4% of females).

    One in every four families are impacted by alcoholism

    More than 10% of U.S. children live with a parent with alcohol problems, according to a 2012 study.

    According to Herma Silverstein, author of the book; Alcoholism, one of every four families has problems with alcohol.

    The CDC study also found that about 5% of the alcohol related deaths in the U.S. involved people younger than age 21.

    In 2012, 58.3% of people who tried alcohol for the first time were younger than 18.

    Drinking during pregnancy can cause brain damage to the infant, leading to a range of developmental, cognitive, and behavioral problems, otherwise called Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD). People/children with difficulties in the following areas may have FASD or alcohol-related birth defects:

    • Coordination
    • Emotional control
    • Learning challenges
    • Socialization skills
    • Focus in class, holding down a job

    These statistics are over powering and most definitely build an excellent argument to stop drinking, especially over this Fourth of July long holiday weekend. Please share these statistics with a friend, post on your social media pages, re-publish in your blog, or newsletter.


    References used in this blog:

    The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) is one of the 27 institutes and centers that comprise the National Institutes of Health (NIH). NIAAA supports and conducts research on the impact of alcohol use on human health and well-being. http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/alcohol-facts-and-statistics

    Preventing Chronic Disease (PCD) is a peer-reviewed electronic journal established by the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion. The mission of PCD is to promote the open exchange of information and knowledge among researchers, practitioners, policy makers, and others who strive to improve the health of the public through chronic disease prevention. http://www.cdc.gov/features/alcohol-deaths/

    The National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH) provides national and state-level data on the use of tobacco, alcohol, illicit drugs (including non-medical use of prescription drugs) and mental health in the United States https://nsduhweb.rti.org/respweb/homepage.cfm

    Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), is an agency of the U.S. Public Health Service in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. http://www.samhsa.gov/

    Alexandra Sifferlin, (2015) What Drinking Does to Your Body over Time, Time Magazine, http://time.com/author/alexandra-sifferlin/

    And

    Alexandra Sifferlin, (2014) Alcohol Kills 1 Person Every 10 Seconds, Report Says, Time Magazine, http://time.com/96082/alcohol-consumption-who/

    Silverstein, Herma. (1990), Alcoholism. New York: Franklin Watts http://allpsych.com/journal/alcoholism/#.VZQkhWPH_VI

     

  • Should I stop caring what other people think about me?

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionShould you really care WHAT other people think of you or IF people are thinking about you? Are you allowing these persons whose opinions matter so much to you, to essentially run your life?

    If you are enmeshed in these thoughts, you are neglecting your authentic voice. Your authentic voice knows what the next right step should be, even though your authentic voice can’t predict how your life is going to turn out, it tends to have a strong hunch of what you should do next.

    Add research to this

    Why do I want the approval of others? Researchers from University College London and Aarhus University in Denmark in 2010 verified that our brains light up under a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scan when we know our opinions are shared by others or join others in liking similar things. These glowing brains then secrete a reward, a feel-good neuro-chemical, and bam! We get neuro-chemical reinforcement telling us it is good to share similar thoughts and things. People like you if you share their point of view, if you copy their style of dress, have the same socio-economic status, religion, etc. Soon we are addicted to these feel-good-mental-states-of-liking. Liking the same music, being a fan of the same sports team or being in the “cool” group. This drug is so addictive that most people will not give it up. They keep looking for approval, acceptance and like-minded individuals because the hit is so intense. But just like any other drug or addiction, there is a price to pay. The price is worrying about what people think and being inauthentic to our inner voice.

    What you think of yourselfAre people thinking about me?

    No.

    The truth is: no one really thinks about you as much as you think they do. They don’t care that much about you or what you are doing. People are highly self-absorbed. They really only care about themselves. Whatever you want to do, just do it. Because the truth is, no one really is thinking about what you are doing.

    We really fear that people are speaking “ill” of us. In the 12-step rooms, FEAR is an acronym for Frustration, Ego, Anxiety and Resentment. Is fear the reason that you are so worried about what people think of you? Like Elsa says in Disney’s Frozen movie…”Let it go!”

    People that judge others, like to hang out with like-minded, gossipy, judgmental people. Do you really want to hang out with people who judge and gossip? The fact they engage in gossiping conveys that they think they are in a “better than” or “one-up” position. In reality, they have a frightened inner child and self-esteem issues.

    Do you really care about people who derive pleasure from another person’s misfortune? The German language has a word for this: schadenfreude. These behaviors are sure signs of high anxiety. Plus, these people are really boring to hang out with. I am sure you would rather be doing anything else (can you hear your authentic voice talking?).

    Gossipy, judgmental people have low self-esteem. People have low self-esteem because they were criticized in childhood. Sometimes abusively and chronically. Okay, I feel badly for many of us. However, who we thought we were in our formative years is not who we are as adults. (You might have noticed I placed myself in this category.) We were defenseless 5-, 7- or 10-year-olds. Today we are adults with distinct advantages available to us to improve and overcome our issues from the past.

    ConclusionsNot caring what people think

    • Get to know your authentic voice (AV)
    • Identify the times in the past when you were guided by your authentic voice, listened to your authentic voice, and how well things turned out. When things turn out well, you get a neuro-chemical hit!
    • Is AV a moral voice? (yes)
    • Is AV a compassionate voice? (yes)
    • Is AV a voice that has your best interest in mind? (yes)
    • Re-read the segment on are people always thinking about me? Can you hear your authentic voice respond?
    • Make a conscious decision to stop obsessively thinking about what other people might think of you — limit the time you dwell on these thoughts
    • Did you answer any of these suggestions with a statement that started with “But?”
    • If so, try to delete the statement after the word “But.” While you are at it delete “But” from your vocabulary
    • Are you hearing anything from your gut (your gut is the residence of your authentic voice)?

    Maybe you might want to contemplate that. Reflect on what your authentic voice is or what it has been telling you in the past. Try to identify the tenor, tone or inflection of its voice. You can do this in the comfort of your La-Z-Boy chair, on your yoga mat or during a walk in the woods. Meditating is a way of asking your authentic voice a question, intuition is hearing its response. Either way you’ve got to figure out what actually matters to you and start caring what you think about you.

    References used in this blog:

    Tim Urban,  Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think, Wait but Why blog, http://waitbutwhy.com/2014/06/taming-mammoth-let-peoples-opinions-run-life.html

    Fredric Neuman, MD (2013), Caring what other people think, Psychology Today, Jan 23, 2013, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201306/caring-what-other-people-think

    Tiffany O’Callaghan (2010) The Brain Science behind why we care what others think, Time Magazine, June 17, 2010, http://healthland.time.com/2010/06/17/the-brain-science-behind-why-we-care-what-others-think/

    Michael Miles, Why you shouldn’t care about what others think about you, (2008) Pick the Brain, blog, Nov 28, 2008, http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/why-you-shouldnt-care-what-others-think-about-you/

  • On the Role of Peers in Recovery

    This article was published in thefix.com on June 10,2015. Click here for the article:

    http://www.thefix.com/tags/professional-voices

     Do peers have a unique way of connecting with clients?

    As the treatment of addiction moves inexorably toward inclusion in the larger healthcare system, with its standards of evidence-based care, there is also a movement towards the use of peer counselors with “lived experience” with addiction. Are peer counselors able to connect with and help persons struggling with addiction in a unique way? Do the outcomes achieved in employing peers suggest that they should be more widely used, and supported by public funding? Melissa Killeen opens the conversation and highlights a case in which peer counseling played an integral role…Richard Juman

    A peer recovery support specialist has many job titles across the United States and around the world. They may be called certified recovery support practitioners, recovery advocates, peer mentors or recovery coaches. They tend to be employed at recovery community support centers, at hospitals, behavioral health agencies or addiction treatment centers. The peer recovery support specialist may be working with substance misusers, traumatic brain injury clients, behavioral health clients or clients that identify with all of these diagnoses. Certified peer recovery support specialists are generally employed by the facilities at an hourly rate for their services; for the client, peer recovery support services are typically free. In this article, I will focus on the peer recovery support specialists working in the addiction field.

    Recovery community support centers, financed with state and federal funding, some with funding from churches or individuals, are slowly taking hold and becoming more prevalent. The recovery advocacy organization Faces & Voices of Recovery, developed the Association of Recovery Community Organizations that unites and supports a growing membership of over 100 recovery community support organizations, although there are many organizations which have not yet become members of ARCO. For example, in my neck of the woods, there are currently 12 recovery community support organizations in Pennsylvania and 10 in New Jersey. Recovery community support centers can provide computer training, job interviewing skills training, resume writing, legal assistance, parenting skills training, social services linkages, 12-step meetings and even haircuts! It is important to highlight that these are non-clinical settings. Treatment is not provided—these are healthy places where people with current or past histories of addiction can go as an alternative to hanging out at a bar or on a street corner. Recent research completed by Chyrell Bellamy, MSW, PhD and Michael Rowe, PhD, both assistant professors at Yale University, concluded that working with peers in a recovery community environment may reduce alcohol use, drug use, and criminal justice charges for at-risk populations.

    In my view, the most important service that a recovery community support center offers is the assignment of a peer recovery support specialist or recovery coach to work with each client that comes to the center. At the outset, the peer recovery support specialist meets the client and sets up a schedule upon which the client and peer will meet. The format and structure varies widely, with some relationships based on daily phone calls and others on weekly face-to-face visits. The actual length of a coaching engagement will also vary. The McShin Foundation suggests that, as at the community recovery support centers run by the Virginia-based foundation, a 90-day limit is placed on the coaching assignment. However, other organizations, like the Hartford-based Connecticut Community for Addiction Recovery, does not place an arbitrary limit on the length of coaching time. Instead, it recommends that standards of goal achievement, like drafting a recovery plan, a relapse prevention plan and/or attaining sobriety goals, be used to determine the length of engagement.

    What do peer recovery support specialists actually do for their clients? Here is one example:

    In 2013, I helped create the first community recovery center in southern New Jersey, one of only a handful of recovery centers in New Jersey at the time. Heather Ogden-Busch was one of the first people we hired at the Living Proof Recovery Support Center in Voorhees, NJ. At the time, because she had many years of sobriety and experience in sponsorship, she naturally fell into the role of a peer recovery support specialist, or recovery coach. On Heather’s first day at the recovery support center she received a call from a member of her 12-step group. This member relayed the story about another member from the meeting, Beth (not her real name), who had relapsed on heroin. Beth was living in a trailer with her boyfriend, who was also addicted to heroin, and she was not doing well. Beth wanted to stop using. Heather called her immediately.

    At the time, Heather was aware that there was some really powerful heroin circulating in the Philadelphia/Camden region. Several young people had overdosed recently, including one of Heather’s sponsees. She relayed this information to Beth, and asked Beth what she wanted to do. Beth said she wanted to get out of her boyfriend’s trailer and go into rehab. She had no job, no money and no connection with her parents, with no possibility of financing a rehab stay. Heather and her colleagues at the Living Proof Recovery Center jumped on the phones to find a detox and a treatment center that would have an opening for Beth.

    Within one day, Heather had scheduled an intake appointment for Beth at a detox hospital in New Jersey. Beth would also have a bed reserved for her at a Christian-based treatment center in Brooklyn, NY, if she successfully completed detox. Luckily, Heather knew of another treatment center, also faith-based, in Chicago, with the financing available for the treatment as well as funding for the airplane flight.

    Beth was not particularly religious, but knew she needed treatment and agreed to go to detox then to treatment in Brooklyn. Over the weekend, Heather and Beth met together at the recovery center, called the detox hospital and went through the intake process. The same procedure was necessary for the Brooklyn treatment center. Heather and Beth made those calls together. By Monday of the next week, two days after Beth consented to go to detox, Heather had arranged for a sober friend to drive Beth to the northern New Jersey detox hospital. She also had arranged for the same person to drive Beth from the detox to Brooklyn when Beth was discharged.

    One week passed, and Beth was being discharged from detox. Unfortunately, the Brooklyn treatment center did not have an immediately available bed, but Beth was next in line for a bed as soon as it was available, in a few days. Beth had to return to her boyfriend’s trailer to wait for the call from the treatment center. Beth did not have a phone, so it was Heather that would field the call from the treatment center. Beth had at least three days to wait and hopefully, remain clean. Heather pulled in all of the support she could muster. Beth had escorts to every NA and AA meeting in the area. Members of the 12-step community drove Beth to Suboxone maintenance appointments. Every night, Heather and Beth talked. Every morning Heather called the treatment center to find out if the bed was available. By Wednesday morning, Beth and Heather were driving up the NJ Turnpike to Brooklyn, and Beth was still clean.

    The story doesn’t end there, because the job of a peer recovery support specialist is as important after the client comes out of treatment. Beth was in Brooklyn for 28 days. While Beth was working on her sobriety, Heather was lining up a room at an Oxford House, miles away from the trailer and the addicted boyfriend. Within one day after being discharged from the Brooklyn treatment center, Beth was in an Oxford House, had a temporary sponsor and was enrolled in an intensive outpatient program. Her parents were so proud of Beth’s achievements they had paid for the first two month’s rent at the Oxford House.

    Heather remained Beth’s peer recovery support specialist and required Beth to come to the recovery center every day to volunteer. Beth answered the phone, made copies, attended 12-step meetings, and learned about co-occurring disorders. She participated in a resume-writing workshop and a financial planning workshop. Beth got a job as a waitress at a local family-style restaurant that did not serve alcohol and for the first time she opened her own checking account. By her third month at Oxford House, she was able to pay her own rent.

    Heather guided Beth to enroll in a co-occurring program associated with her outpatient program. Beth now sees a therapist every week, and a psychiatrist monthly for her psychiatric disorders; because of her low income these services and her Suboxone treatment are free. She came to understand that her drug and alcohol usage was a form of self-medicating her mental illness. Nine months later, Beth remains an active participant in a local recovery support center and she is sober. Every month, her Suboxone dosage is reduced and she will celebrate one year clean from heroin in 60 days. Her goal is to be free from Suboxone and after one year of total sobriety, she can begin the 156-hour training to be a certified recovery support practitioner (CRSP), which is the peer recovery support specialist certification in the state of NJ (www.certboard.org).

    Melissa Killeen is a recovery coach, author of the first book on Recovery Coaching: Recovery Coaching a Guide to Coaching People in Recovery from Addictions and the recipient of the 2015 Vernon Johnson Award from the Faces & Voices of Recovery.

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  • What is Non-Suicidal Self-Injury?

    Non Suicidal Self Injury PhotoThe terms non suicidal self-injury (NSSI), self-harm, self-mutilation, self-abuse, or self-injury (SI) refer to the act of purposely harming oneself. Often referred to as “cutting,” which describes one common way in which people hurt themselves. Cutting isn’t the only way a person can engage in self-injury. Some examples of self-injury are:

    • Cutting
    • Sticking objects into the skin (broken glass, pins, excessive piercing)
    • Banging head against the a hard surface
    • Scalding or burning oneself
    • Trichotillomania (pulling out hair)
    • Hitting oneself with a hard object such as a hammer
    • Skin picking or pulling off scabs
    • Intentionally interfering with wound healing
    • Swallowing poison or other inappropriate objects
    • Breaking bones in the hands and feet

    Non suicidal self-injury is not behavior with any suicidal intent. If suicide does happens, it happens by accident. It can be particularly challenging for people to understand the purpose that self-injury serves. People self-injure to cope with internal emotions, to stop bad feelings, to relieve emotional numbness, to punish themselves, to obtain a sense of belonging, or to get attention. Self-injury may serve as a way to express emotions unable to be put into words, to feel a sense of control when finding one’s self in a painful environment. SI can be a means of decreasing anxiety by distracting themselves by self-harm. Self-injury can be a means of relieving guilt, or helping the person to feel alive. Studies conducted by Matthew Nock, from Harvard and Mitchell Prinstein from Yale suggest that there are four primary reasons for engaging in self-harming behaviors:

    • To reduce negative emotions,
    • To feel “something” besides numbness or emptiness,
    • To avoid certain social situations,
    • To receive social support.

    Self-harm is a complex disorder and often a symptom of other types of mental health disorders. Self-harm is self-destructive. People hurting themselves produce neuro-peptides or endorphins, which are the same chemicals that cause a “runner’s high” that make them feel happier and more relaxed. There are additional ways of producing endorphins: unprotected sex, violent or kinky sex, getting a piercing or a tattoo for the pain of the act, starving yourself, compulsive exercise, all night club hopping, and of course excessive use of drugs and alcohol. All of these are self-destructive but they’re not necessarily considered self-injurious.

    The typical age for the onset of self-injury is age 14 and may continue to age 20. Each year, 1 in 5 females and 1 in 7 males engage in self-injury. Females comprise 60% of those who engage in self-injurious behavior.

    Estimates vary widely but statistics indicate that 3% to 38% of all adolescents and young adults identify as self-harmers. 90% of the people who engage in self-harm begin during their pre-adolescent or early teen years. Studies have shown that children as young as seven years old have engaged in self-harm. Many of those who self-injure report learning how to do so from friends or web sites that advocate self injury.

    Studies conducted with university students demonstrated that 17% of the students interviewed discussed a lifetime prevalence of considering or using self-harm, with 13% reporting that they had engaged in self-harm more than once. Self-injury may begin during the college years, with surveys reporting that 30% to 40% of college students report engaging in self-harm for the first time after the age of 17. Self-injurious behaviors may last a life time. Nearly 50% of those who engage in self-injury activities have been sexually abused. Approximately two million self-injury cases are reported annually in the U.S.

    There are so many myths about self-injury, that’s why it’s important to know about self-mutilation facts when responding to people who engage in this type of behavior. Read through these bullet points about approaching someone who engages in self-injury:

    • Remain calm and caring
    • Accept him or her even if you disagree with the behavior
    • Know that this represents a way of dealing with emotional pain
    • Listen with compassion
    • Avoid panic and overreaction
    • Do not show shock or revulsion at what they’ve done
    • Do not use threats in an attempt to stop the behavior
    • Do not allow him or her to recount the self-injury experience in detail as it may trigger another session
    • Do get appropriate help for him or her from a qualified mental health professional

    The best way to help is to stay informed about self-injury facts. The more you know about the causes of self-injury, motivations, and appropriate responses, the more effective you’ll be when dealing with someone who engages in this activity. Contact the International Society for the Study of Self Injury for more information (http://itriples.org/).


     

    Research Used in this Blog:

    International Society for the Study of Self-Injury, http://itriples.org/

    Teen Line On Line.org:  https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/cutting-and-self-injury/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw-tSrBRCk8bzDiO__gbwBEiQAk-D31VIqd8MEI8gI0p_Gq6WrQdhUb-N90S1ozvt6Lfve-HAaAhFW8P8HAQ

    Teen Hotline: 310-855-4673

    S.A.F.E. Alternatives, Telephone- (800)-DONTCUT  or   (800)-366-8288

    info@selfinjury.com, www.selfinjury.com

    Matthew K. Nock, and Mitchell J. Prinstein, (2004,5) A Functional Approach to the Assessment of Self-Mutilative Behavior, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, American Psychological Association, 2004, Vol. 72, No. 5, 885–890 0022-006X/04/ DOI: 10.1037/0022-006X.72.5.885. http://www.wjh.harvard.edu/~nock/nocklab/Nock_Prinstein_JCCP2004.pdf

    The Healthy Place- Self Injury, Self-Harm Statistics and Facts, by Samantha Gluck, http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/self-injury/self-injury-self-harm-statistics-and-facts/

    Why Would Anyone want to Harm Themselves, Non Suicidal Self Injury (NSSI) Blog by Naghma Khan, a Clinical & Addictions Psychologist in India, http://www.mkrecoverycoaching.com/2012/04/13/why-would-anyone-harm-themselves/ or http://unwrappingminds.wordpress.com

     

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  • Six Signs of Resistance to Change
    and What To Do About Them

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionIt is hard seeing your client struggle through resistance to change. Facing a difficult emotional experience, and at the same time, wanting to escape it. Struggling in sobriety, mourning the loss of the addiction, a job, maybe even their family. They are thinking they are of little worth, while working on some of the hardest challenges they have ever faced. Yes, it is hard for the coach to keep pushing; it is just as hard for the client to keep showing up for the appointments and completing the homework assignments. But push we must and the following paragraphs explain why.

    I have a 35-year-old male client with 120 days clean. I can see this change is extremely hard for my client to move through. He has commented that it is like taking a college course, Change 101. He’d really rather go back and do what he has always done: escape, do drugs, it was easier, he knew how to do it, and at least, he limped along. This is what coaches call resistance to change.

    Expecting resistance and preparing how to deal with it is the most crucial part of developing a plan of change for your client.  In order to forecast any type of resistance, a coach needs to understand the most common reasons people object to change. Below are six examples of the reasons underlying a client’s resistance to change. Some will be artfully combined and the order of their prominence will frequently shift. What‘s imperative is that the coach anticipate each instance of resistance, having ready a response in their back pocket.

    1. Denial — I like to use consequences as the perfect wake-up call to denial. This is my classic change-resistance stand-by: When my client says, “I can’t see any reason to change,” my response is adapted from an AA slogan, “If you keep doing the same thing over and over, you’ll keep getting the same results over and over.”

    2. Anger — It’s remarkable how closely these stages of resistance mimic the five stages of grief. In the case of anger, I use the same response I would in replying to a client who is grieving the loss of a relationship. I mix with it a bit of empathy. Rationally, my client understands his live-in girlfriend, his job, or his family is not responsible for the onset of his addiction. I point this out. Emotionally, he may resent anyone for causing him pain or resent his family for placing shame or putting pressure on him. I suggest he may feel guilty for being angry, and this makes him even angrier. Teasing out these threads of anger helps eliminate the “blurred lines” standing in the way of progress.

    3. Fear and Confusion — One of the most common reasons for resistance is fear of the unknown. People will only take active steps toward the unknown if they genuinely believe — and perhaps more importantly, feel — that the risks of standing still are greater than the risks of moving forward in a new direction. Once again, I bring out my bag of slogans and request he use affirmations on a daily basis. One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt: “Every time you meet a situation that you think is an impossibility, then you meet it and live through it, you find forever after you are freer than you were before.” Another is from Dr Susan Jeffers: “Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from the feeling of helplessness.” Or Winston Churchill’s quote:  “If you are in Hell, keep going.” The basic emotion of fear jumbles one’s thoughts, resulting in confusion. Using simple affirmations can break through the underlying emotion of fear and help redraw the line, nudging it forward toward change.

    4. Depression — Again, a classic symptom of grief as well as resistance to change. This phase may be eased by a few kind words. However, I have to battle for this particular change model, and fight against my client’s old thoughts of living an “easy life” in addiction. That old life seemed easier than all of this work. So first, I ensure my client is following his medication-assisted treatment protocols. Then, I pull out my depression-buster toolbox: Get some friends and talk about it — my client’s assignment is to have coffee after his next NA meeting and talk specifically about his depression as well as having to work on his relationships. Depression-buster tool number two is to read inspirational messages. My newest favorite book is National Geographic‘s Daily Joy — 365 Days of Inspiration, uniting inspiring words with lovely National Geographic images of the world. Tool number three? Distraction. When depressive thoughts come creeping back in, get out of that bed, no sleeping until noon. Walk, workout, mow the lawn, go to the grocery store and shop for some nutritious ingredients for this week’s meals. Write in your journal, call your coach, talk to your sponsor and best of all, hit your knees and ask your higher power to take from you these thoughts and feelings of depression.

    5. Crisis — No matter what, there will be a crisis during the period of time in which you are implementing change. So ready yourself for it. In this particular coaching situation, a crisis can be deadly, so I pre-empt any thought of my client ‘using’, head-on. I talk about how addiction will transform thoughts of escape or defiance into the thought of using. I urge my client to prepare for this with a Fire Drill:

    “What are you going to do if these thoughts enter your head? Write this down and use it just like a fire drill is used in a school or office. Thinking of using? A bell starts ringing! Call a friend, say the serenity prayer, call me, take a walk, take out the picture of your 5 year old daughter from your wallet, go to a meeting, hug your girlfriend, write in your journal, drink a glass of water and repeat! Continue to do these things until the thoughts pass.

    I have my client write all of these actions of a fire drill down on a 3×5 card and carry it in his wallet. Defining and breaking down a crisis helps, too: Picking up a drug is the biggest crisis; a minor fender bender is not. Heading out to an old drug-dealing location is a crisis; bouncing a check is not. In all cases tell someone, call a sponsor, a NA friend or your coach.

    6. Acceptance — Sometimes it takes a crisis to move to acceptance, and hopefully a minor crisis like a fender bender or a bounced check is the crisis my client will experience to effect this change. He can see the experience of dealing with a crisis as a sober person works more effectively.  Of course, as his coach, I follow up by asking him about the eventual resolution of this minor crisis. I am confident he will see how his change of interaction and communication styles has helped improve the resolution of the crisis. Most importantly, he will have accepted this aspect of change because he has gained a new found confidence in being a sober person resolving a crisis in a orderly and humane way.

    And confidence is really the strength my client has needed all along.

     

  • Is boredom a gateway to relapse?

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionIt’s late in the day on a Saturday. Time slows down. Nothing seems interesting on TV, just reruns of Criminal Minds, another PGA tournament with a splash of MMA Kickboxing. There is a feeling of yearning, but for what? This is boredom. We tell ourselves that we are bored! But what exactly does this mean to us?

    One meaning we give to our boredom is that the TV show we are watching is not interesting. Another meaning might be that the classes we are taking are not teaching what we need to know. Or we wish we lived in a condo instead of this house in the suburbs that needs the lawn to be mowed. In other words, we look to something external to blame. Sound familiar? Boredom is not trivial. It is out of boredom that some people turn to drugs, gambling, over-eating, sex and alcohol abuse.

    Boredom, when chronic, is very stressful and has serious consequences for an addict. For example, we might be waiting for a response from a job interview. The time it takes seems eternally long. Feelings of irritability and anxiety set in. This is where we start to feel stressed. It seems as though the solution is to blame the HR department of this company (that we are very interested in working for), for their ineptitude. Is anger and resentment lurking around the corner?

    Another example might be that boredom would cause someone to lose interest while driving and getting injured because of the lack of attention. How many times have you been driving, become bored with the road and switch into some sort of fantasy, losing your focus on the road and bang! The car in front of you is at a dead stop. My guess is that a good number of traffic accidents are caused this way.

    We are blaming the boredom on something external, like the TV, the HR department or the jerk in the car in front of you. Perhaps it is not. Perhaps boredom is internal in nature. Psychological scientist John Eastwood of York University (Ontario, Canada) and colleagues at the University of Guelph and the University of Waterloo wanted to create a precise definition of boredom, one that can be applied across a variety of theoretical frameworks. Their article, was published in Perspectives on Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, and the website, ScienceDaily, quotes from the article:

    “Drawing from research across many areas of psychological science and neuroscience, John Eastwood and his colleague[s] define boredom as an aversive state of wanting, but being unable, to engage in satisfying activity.”

    This wanting has a dangerous similarity to the craving of substances experienced by addicts during the withdrawal stage. In other words, if a recovering addict finds themselves bored, they are on the very slippery slope of wanting. Here are some additional analogies:

    • Addicts have difficulty paying attention to their internal thoughts and feelings. They have difficulty focusing on the external or environmental information required for participating in a satisfying activity. Eastman uses these characteristics to define boredom
    • Some addicts are aware of the fact that they have difficulty paying attention. Yes, this is another characteristic of boredom.
    • Addicts tend to blame and/or believe that the environment is responsible for their aversive state. Again, this is a characteristic of a person entrenched in boredom.

    The point is that research indicates that there is a relationship between boredom and lack of attention to what is happening inside and outside of ourselves. But, there is no concrete research linking boredom to addiction or relapse. However, it may be worthwhile to refocus our attention to what we are thinking, feeling and/or to the stimuli in the environment instead of simply chalking it up to being bored. Maybe we can focus by completing 90 meetings in 90 days.

    There is also the concept of embracing boredom. As the Buddhists put it; boredom is a form of impatience. Therefore patience is an antidote. There is nothing that is intrinsically boring. There are examples of prisoners of war, sitting in complete isolation, who are able to focus their minds and find interesting things to prevent boredom. Does this sound like Step Eleven?

    And then we can think about what they say about the weather in Minneapolis:

    Wait, in five minutes things will change.

  • Faces and Voices of Recovery announces the 2015 America Honors Recovery Awards

    Faces and Voices of Recovery AwardsFaces and Voices of Recovery announces the 2015 America Honors Recovery Awards.  America Honors Recovery is the addiction recovery community’s annual awards event to recognize the over 23.5 million Americans in recovery and recovery community organizations.

    Sponsored by Faces & Voices of Recovery, the event highlights the extraordinary contributions of the country’s most influential recovery community leaders to the growing movement to promote the reality of recovery from addiction.

    The recipients will be honored at the July 23, 2015 America Honors Recovery Awards Dinner, starting at 6:30, to be held at the  Hyatt Arlington at Washington’s Key Bridge 1325 Wilson Boulevard Arlington, VA 22209.  If you have any questions, please contact info@facesandvoicesofrecovery.org or call us at (202) 737-0690.  Tickets go on sale starting the week of May 26 at the Faces & Voices Website

    America Honors Recovery salutes the legacies of three dynamic recovery trailblazers who dedicated their lives to removing barriers for individuals and families affected by addiction – Dr. Vernon E. Johnson and recovery advocates Joel Hernandez and Lisa Mojer-Torres.

    The Vernon Johnson Award-

    • Melissa Killeen, Founder & Owner of Melissa Killeen Recovery Coaching, Ms Killeen resides in Laurel Springs, New Jersey
    • Honesty Liller, Chief Executive Officer of the The McShin Foundation, Ms Liller resides in Richmond, Virginia
    • Molly O’Neill, President & CEO of First Call Alcohol/Drug Prevention & Recovery, Ms. O’Neill resides in Kansas City, Missouri

    The Joel Hernandez Award-

    • Utah Support Advocates for Recovery Awareness (USARA) Executive Director, Mary Jo McMillen Salt Lake City, Utah

    The Lisa Mojer-Torres Award-

    • H. Westley Clark, M.D. CSAT

    Director – Retired, University of California, Los Angeles

    The Voice of Recovery Award-

    • Greg Williams

    Director, The Anonymous People, Recovery Advocate

    The Distinguished Lifetime Achievement Award-

    • William White

    Author, Researcher and Recovery Historian

     

    2015 America Honors Recovery Awards Dinner tickets go on sale starting the week of May 26 at the Faces & Voices Website

  • How Emotionally Mature Are You in a Heated Conversation?

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionI am working with a client who is struggling in his recovery. He is having trouble being emotionally mature in heated conversations with his live-in girlfriend. I discussed with my client how he acts when he is in an argument.

    My client would like to believe that he is a mature, rational, 40-year-old adult, but if he is honest, if we all are honest with ourselves, we’ve all have some emotional immaturity within us.

    The truth of the matter is that we can act like adults in our relationships or we can act like we’re 6-years-old.

    When one partner shows emotional immaturity, the other one follows suit, often without much hesitation. Then the entire discussion fails. Perhaps we are triggered by a feeling of being less than, or of rejection or abandonment. In a flash we become the 6-year-old that was that was reprimanded by their older sister, the 9-year-old who wasn’t selected for the baseball team, or the 12-year-old seeing their aunts and uncles fight at Thanksgiving dinner.

    As a coach, I like to differentiate between the emotional maturities of the 6-, 9- or the 12-year-old, as compared with the maturity of the forty-year-old. When we begin to mature, our childlike behavior no longer reaps the same reward and we are forced to act more maturely.

    A 6-year-old is very limited in their list of options of how to handle a situation. They were learning as they go, finding out what works and what doesn’t. As adults, we have choices and options that a 6-year-old didn’t. Before you react to something, ask yourself this: Do I want to be 6, 9 or 12 – or do I want to be 40? A true adult gets to choose!

    Let me illustrate the difference. . .

    Immature Mature
    I snap at my partner because I feel irritation. I recognize that I am irritable and why, so I calmly let my partner know how I feel and what I need to help me feel better.
    I hold something that bothers me inside until I blow up at my partner. I hold something in until it comes out sideways. I tell my partner as soon as I am aware that something is bothering me so we can calmly discuss it.
    I call my partner names and belittle them when we are arguing. I point fingers, invade my partner’s space and raise my voice I realize that name-calling and belittling does not help the situation and I can voice what is really bothering me instead. I recognize my body language, keep my hands at my sides, lower my voice and keep my distance.
    I stuff my feelings down or lie to my partner because I am afraid it will start a fight or they will reprimand me I am honest with my partner because I am emotionally prepared for their reaction.
    I act on my sense of urgency to fight with my partner, knowing that I am right, reactive and emotionally activated. I recognize that I am reactive and I force myself to wait until I feel more stable to discuss it with my partner. I never respond immediately to something when I am angry, even if my partner insists.
    I am defensive, hurt and argumentative when my partner complains about something I am doing. I recognize that my I am not perfect; I say I am human, I can make mistakes. I expect that sometimes my partner will have comments about my actions or behavior.
    When my partner complains about me, I remind them that they have done the same thing or they did something that bothered me in the past. (pointing the finger, deflection or cross-complaining) I hear that my partner is bothered by something and I validate their feelings. Any complaints I may have about them can be brought up another time.

    I showed my client this chart and asked how he reacted to the most recent blow-up with his girlfriend. He identified several immature characteristics in these columns that he used in the recent exchange. How many characteristics did he use, did this number of immature responses overwhelm the number of mature responses? Then we talked about what the mature responses would be.

    Immediately, he said this was a good chart and he was going to show her this chart to tell her about how she was also immature in this past discussion. I suggested he not to do this, saying that a mature partner need not shame his partner, even if it is under the guise of using a learning tool. It would be more important for him to practice having mature adult responses to future, potentially explosive situations, so the temperature of the next conversation does not rise. Then his girlfriend will see and emulate his mature behavior in future dialogues.

    Using correct tools of engagement in heated discussions was never taught in our families or at school. We learned how to argue and fight from our parents, family members or friends. At forty, it is time for my client to approach a heated conversation as a forty-year-old and not a 12-year-old.

  • How does a Recovery Coach work with a Treatment Team?

    How does a Recovery Coach work with a Treatment Team?

    manhattan_bridge_post_versionRecovery coaching services are starting to be more widely used, more often within the finest treatment centers. Yet, there are still addicts in crisis, or families with loved ones in inpatient substance-abuse treatment that are unaware that such services exist. Many therapists, re-unification specialists’ psychiatrists and LCSWs specializing in addiction treatment have not worked with a recovery coach, even though the recovery coaching profession has existed for over a decade. So it is important for more clinicians, outpatient coordinators, aftercare coordinators and other treatment professionals to understand how a recovery coach can benefit the client’s recovery and how the entire treatment team can work together.

    75% Will Relapse!

    Leaving an inpatient treatment facility, a client is very vulnerable to relapse during the initial days and weeks following their discharge. In fact, within a ninety-day period after discharge, seventy-five percent will have experienced one or more relapses (Godley, Dennis, Funk, & Passetti, 2002). Hiring a recovery coach can keep a client sober, and it is important to link a client to a continuing care program as early as possible. Both of these aftercare tools can be coordinated prior to discharge so the client can extend their sober life style after discharge.

    Research has shown, that coordinating this continuing care program does not guarantee a client will see a therapist, embrace a 12-step program or attend intensive outpatient treatment after discharge. This is where a recovery coach comes in. A recovery coach is called in to meet with the client either at the treatment center and then escort them home, or meet with the client at their home to take them to their first 12-step meeting, the continuing care program, or even therapist appointments. And always, the coach begins working with the client on their recovery plan.

    Who is the Treatment Team?

    Post discharge, or during outpatient treatment the Treatment Team consists of a variety of people, dependent on the client’s case. Key participants on the team can include the recovery coach, frontline clinicians and doctors from the treatment organization; the client’s primary care physician, psychiatrist or therapist; a staff member/social worker from a recovery-based agency or a representative from a community organization such as public housing; child protective services or any religious-based recovery program. The legal system may be involved so a lawyer, a probation officer, or a social worker assigned from the courts, the state’s drunk driving agency or child protective services can also be included. Many times the family is involved as well, whether it is a spouse, or in the case of an adolescent client, the parents or caregivers will participate on the team. (In all aspects of coordinating within the treatment team, a HIPAA disclosure form must be signed by the client allowing the coach and the team to discuss the client’s case).

    In early recovery, I cannot overstate the value of a recovery coach who is a hands-on partner and support person to help a newly sober addict learn all of the life skills that addiction robs from its victims. After 30-60 days in treatment, even a 45-year-old college-educated person has forgotten how to prepare and abide by a basic family budget; how to write a resume; how to do healthy things such as yoga; how to shop in a store and avoid the liquor aisle; have the confidence to walk into a 12-step meeting; or ask the right questions of a 12-step sponsor. These skills are not found in the “manual of the newly recovered” (a manual which does not actually exist). And even when such structure does appear in aftercare plans, sending an addict with 30 or 60 days of new found recovery out into the world to go forth and execute on such a plan is a big challenge, in many cases, one doomed to failure.

    The recovery coach will primarily be responsible for the provision of general treatment and recovery maintenance support in collaboration with the treatment team. The recovery coach responsibilities will include program support, connecting clients to recovery activities in the community, transportation of participants, helping clients get their basic needs met, assistance with navigation of the substance abuse, social services and mental health service systems, facilitation of attendance at support groups, or 12-step meetings and taking toxicology screens. The recovery coach can have daily contact with the client through telephone support and often meets weekly with the client in face-to-face sessions.

    David Loveland, PhD. and Michael Boyle, MA, wrote in the 2005 Manual for Recovery Coaching and Personal Recovery Plan Development an outline specifying that a recovery coach should also provide guidance to create a personal recovery. This personal recovery plan development is the first assignment a client completes when working with a coach.

    In order to work in the same manner that a clinician or a treatment center team member would expect, a recovery coach adopts the same system of notes, documentation and paperwork a clinician uses. The coach will provide the treatment facility and/or the client with documentation on billable services. The coach will complete thorough documentation or progress notes on the client’s recovery process, written in the guidelines required by the facility or that is acceptable to the clinician, such as DAP notes (data, assessment and plan). The coach will communicate frequently with the lead clinician and in the event of a crisis, more frequently with the team.

    Working through Potential Conflicts

    The role of a recovery coach is described in the Recovery Management and the Assertive Continuing Care models. These models may be new to most service providers and front line clinicians. It is important to address potential misconceptions and resistance that can be encountered by a recovery coach and the team. Here are some examples of potential conflicts between a recovery coach and the people they work with:

    • Establishment of clear guidelines of communications.
    • Who speaks to who — The recovery coach speaks to the client and the primary clinician
    • Everything a recovery coach discloses to the primary clinician is to be discussed with the team and the client
    • In the case of a relapse communication guidelines are to be established as to who in the team receives this information
    • Conflict between the treatment goals of the addiction treatment program and recovery coach can happen. It is best if treatment goals are discussed with the coach. The coach will defer to the clinician, most generally.
    • The team will establish guidelines or a contract with the client in the event there is the possibility a client will leave treatment against medical advice/orders (AMO) or be administratively discharged.
    • Sometimes there are ideological conflicts between the professional-based primary addiction treatment model and the strengths-based model, the Assertive Continuing Care or the Recovery Management model used by recovery coaches. These conflicts should be discussed with the team.
    • Rules within treatment facilities may conflict with recovery coach services, such as signing a HIPAA agreement, leaving a therapeutic group to work with a coach, working on other issues before completing specific phases of treatment or treatment programs that discourage working with other people during treatment. The coach is encouraged to work through these differences as best they can.
    • Changes in peoples’ treatment needs as a result of receiving recovery coaching services during a waiting period (e.g., no longer needing residential treatment after achieving some success with a recovery coach and the client can move to a PHP or IOP program).

    As a recovery coach, I enjoy working with a treatment team, and doing so allows me to work with a “net” while bouncing ideas or concerns off of an actively involved person with great interest in the client’s well being. When I am introduced to a clinician and team, it is often the first time the clinicians have worked with a recovery coach. If I am able to speak to the lead clinician prior to beginning a contract, I attempt to do so. Often, I attend the therapeutic sessions, after the client has their sixty-minute session, I will enter the room and spend a half hour or so discussing things with the client and the clinician. At other times, there are separate meetings with the treatment team that do not include the client. Frequently, there are daily and sometimes hourly conversations, text messages or emails with the lead clinician. Every assignment varies.

    The availability of recovery coaches is increasing. Clients can find recovery coaches for free or can pay anywhere up to $250 per hour for a coach. Many coaches have a website and can be found by using a search engine such as Google’s. There is an organization of Recovery Support Centers (http://www.facesandvoicesofrecovery.org/who/arco ) that offer free recovery coaches to clients. Often a treatment center has a recovery coach suggestion.

    In the end, the clinician, lawyer and client will benefit from the collaboration of the recovery coach with the treatment team, and often the coaching relationship with the client continues.

     

  • How can I get more sleep?

    manhattan_bridgeSleep has a potent effect on the addicted brain

    There are many tools available to a recovery coach. Information on the importance of sleep is one of them. Sleep is a necessity for everyone, including those in recovery from addiction. In fact, successful recovery and practicing healthy sleep habits are inseparable. Sleep has a potent effect on the addicted brain, proving to be one of the most influential factors in successful recovery.

    Dr Ralph Carson, author of The Brain Fix, describes why proper sleep is crucial while recovering from addiction. He explains that for addicts in an inpatient treatment program, it’s paramount that individuals be prepared to accept new concepts, embrace a different lifestyle, and apply their creativity to this recovery challenge. The effectiveness of treatment is compromised if people aren’t getting quality sleep and thus don’t wake up feeling refreshed, responsive, positive, and committed to the hard work of recovery.

    Of special interest to those in recovery, sleep impacts the pre-frontal cortex of the brain. Sleep removes neural toxins from the brain, which provides the brain the opportunity to re-organize the information that it has learned. Addiction negatively affects the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, leading to many problems, including compulsivity, impulsivity and most of all, impaired judgment. Strengthening this part of the brain is an essential part of the recovery process and strengthening the pre-frontal cortex involves getting enough sleep to clear out the neural toxins accumulated during the day.

    Psychologist Jack Edinger, Ph.D., of the VA Medical Center in Durham, North Carolina, and Professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Duke University, cautions that treating depression usually doesn’t resolve sleep difficulties. From his clinical experience, he has found that most patients with depression should be checked for insomnia and should be examined for specific behaviors and thoughts that may perpetuate the sleep problems. When people develop insomnia, they try to self-regulate or compensate by engaging in activities to help them get more sleep. Maybe they sleep later in the mornings or spend excessive times in bed or nap. These efforts usually appear as depression and are not helpful in resolving insomnia.

    According to sleep researchers, a night’s sleep is divided into five continually shifting stages, defined by the types of brain waves that reflect either lighter or deeper sleep. Toward morning, there is an increase in rapid eye movement, or REM sleep, when the muscles are relaxed and dreaming occurs, and recent memories may be consolidated in the brain. Experts say that hitting a snooze alarm over and over again to wake up is not the best way to feel rested. “The restorative value of rest is diminished, especially when the increments are short,” says psychologist Edward Stepanski, Ph.D. who has studied sleep fragmentation at the Rush University Medical Center in Chicago. This on-and-off-again effect of dozing and waking causes shifts in the brain-wave patterns. Sleep-deprived snooze-button addicts are likely to shorten their quota of REM sleep, impairing their mental functioning during the day.

    Cognitive behavioral therapy and sleeping

    From his clinical Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) work and research on sleep, psychologist Charles M. Morin, Ph.D., a Professor in the Psychology Department and Director of the Sleep Disorders Center at University Laval in Quebec, Canada, says that ten percent of adults suffer from chronic insomnia. In a National Sleep Foundation study released in the recent issue of the Sleep Medicine Alert, Morin outlines how CBT helps people overcome insomnia. Clinicians use sleep diaries to get an accurate picture of someone’s sleep patterns. Bedtime, waking time, time to fall asleep, number and durations of awakening, actual sleep time and quality of sleep are documented by the person suffering from insomnia.

    A person can develop poor sleep habits like using their smart phone, tablet or laptop in bed, watching Jimmy Fallon in order to go to sleep or eating too much before bedtime. Many times they may compensate by sleeping late the day after a bout of insomnia, or taking a long nap during the day to compensate for the lost sleep. Some develop a fear of not sleeping and a pattern of worrying about the consequences of not sleeping, which perpetuates the insomnia and can result in a dependence on sleep aids. Cognitive behavioral therapies are essential for patients attempting to alter the conditions that perpetuate insomnia.

    CBT attempts to change a person’s dysfunctional beliefs and attitudes about sleep such as letting go of thoughts like, “I’ve got to sleep eight hours tonight” or “I’ve got to take medication to sleep” or “I just can’t function if I don’t sleep.” These thoughts focus too much on sleep, which can be similar to performance anxiety. Sleep has a way of creeping up on you when you are not actively seeking it. Banishing negative thoughts will allow sleep to arrive at your bedroom door.

    According to a study published in the October 2004 issue of The Archives of Internal Medicine, cognitive behavior therapy is more effective and lasts longer than the sleeping pill, ary. The study involved 63 healthy people with insomnia who were randomly assigned to receive Ambien, cognitive behavior therapy, both or using a placebo. The patients in the therapy group received five 30-minute sessions over six weeks. They were given daily exercises to “recognize, challenge and change stress-inducing thoughts” and were taught techniques like delaying bedtime or getting up to read if they were unable to fall asleep after 20 minutes. The patients taking Ambien were on a full dose for a month and then were weaned off the drug. At three weeks, 44 percent of the patients receiving the therapy and those receiving the combination therapy and pills fell asleep faster compared to 29 percent of the patients taking only the sleeping pills. Two weeks after all the treatment was over, the patients receiving the therapy fell asleep in half the time it took prior to the study, and only 17 percent of the patients taking the sleeping pills fell asleep in half the time.

    What works in many cases, is to give a person more control over their sleep. A person can keep a sleep diary for a couple of weeks so a clinician can monitor the amount of time spent in bed to the actual amount of time sleeping. Then the clinician can instruct the patient to either go to bed later or get up earlier or vice versa. A person can also establish more stimulus control over his or her bedroom environment, such as going to bed only when sleepy, getting out of bed when unable to sleep, removal of electronic devices from the bedroom and not smoking or drinking before bedtimes. The same wake-up times every morning (including weekends) and avoiding daytime naps are also good regimes to adopt in thwarting insomnia.

    Finally, a person can incorporate relaxation techniques as part of his or her treatment. For example, a person can give herself or himself an extra hour before bed to relax and unwind and time to write down gratitude lists, meditate or use tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

    In CBT, said Morin, breaking the thought process and anxiety over sleep is the goal. “After identifying the dysfunctional thought patterns, a clinician can offer alternative interpretations of what is getting the person anxious so a person can think about his or her insomnia in a different way.” Morin offers some techniques to restructure a person’s cognitions. “Keep realistic expectations, don’t blame insomnia for all daytime impairments, do not feel that losing a night’s sleep will bring horrible consequences, do not give too much importance to sleep and finally develop some tolerance to the effects of lost sleep.”

    How can I get more sleep?

    According to leading sleep researchers, here are some techniques to get more sleep:

    • Start a sleep diary to chart your progress
    • Keep a regular sleep/wake schedule and develop a regular bedtime (go to bed at the same time on weekends as on weeknights)
    • Try and wake up without an alarm clock—get rid of the snooze alarm
    • Attempt to go to bed earlier every night for a certain period of time; this will ensure that you’re getting enough sleep
    • Give yourself a 60-minute relaxation period before you sleep, meditate, chant, write a gratitude list, complete an eleventh step
    • Don’t drink or eat caffeine four to six hours before bed and minimize daytime use
    • Don’t smoke, especially near bedtime or if you awake in the night
    • Avoid alcohol and heavy meals before sleep, curb night eating
    • Get regular exercise
    • Minimize noise, light and excessive hot and cold temperatures where you sleep
    • Avoid daytime naps, especially after 3pm
    • Reading is okay, however make it a non-stimulating choice, romance, murder mysteries and sci-fi thrillers are very stimulating and can inhibit the relaxation portion of your pre-sleep ritual
    • Consider taking a hot shower at bedtime, instead of in the morning. Use aromatic soaps that promote sleep such as chamomile and lavender

    Dr Ralph Carson writes about the additional impacts of having a pre-frontal cortex that is “shut down” due to poor sleep. He explains: “This can cause you to overreact to negative experiences. Instead of facing your problems like a well-reasoned adult, you’ll be more apt to act moody, inpatient, or irritable.” For those in recovery, these negative mood states can be extremely triggering, increasing the likelihood of relapse.

    As previously stated, sleep deprivation inhibits the pre-frontal cortex’s ability to work efficiently, making it more difficult to focus on “what your big goals are.” Addicts who increase the duration of their sleep experience an improved ability to “resist relapse.” Increased sleep makes their brains cleaner and better fueled, helping them remember their goals to remain sober.

    If you choose to try a few of these suggestions, please first speak to a medical professional about your lack of sleep or insomnia.


    Resources using in compiling this blog:

    National Sleep Foundation
    http://www.sleepfoundation.org/

    American Academy of Sleep Medicine
    http://www.aasmnet.org/

    American Insomnia Association
    http://www.americaninsomniaassociation.org/

    Sleep Research Society
    http://www.sleepresearchsociety.org/

    NIH National Center for Sleep Disorders Research
    http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/sleep

    The MayoClinic.com Sleep Center
    MayoClinic.com

    Ralph Carson (2012) The Brain Fix, Health Communications, Deerfield Beach, Florida, p 214
    http://ralphcarson.com/

    National Institute of Health (2013) How Sleep Clears the Brain,
    http://www.nih.gov/researchmatters/october2013/10282013clear.htm

    National Institute of Health (2013), New Brain Cleaning System Discovered:
    http://www.nih.gov/researchmatters/september2012/09172012brain.htm

    Martica Heaner (2004), Snooze Alarm Takes Its Toll on a Nation, Health Section, New York Times.com, http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/12/health/12snoo.html

    American Psychological Association (2014 ) Why Sleep is so important and what happens when you don’t get enough, http://www.apa.org/topics/sleep/why.aspx

    John O’Neil (October 5, 2004) Treatment: Think before You Sleep, New York Times.com, Vital Signs Section, http://www.nytimes.com/2004/10/05/health/05trea.html

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    Thank you for your response. ✨

  • Why I can’t make a good decision when I am fatigued?

    manhattan_bridgeFatigue takes a toll on the brain

    In the August 2004 issue of the journal Sleep, Dr. Timothy Roehrs, the Director of Research at the Sleep Disorders and Research Center at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit, published one of the first studies to measure the effect of fatigue or sleepiness on decision-making and risk-taking. He found that indeed it does take a toll on effective decision-making.

    Cited in the October 12, New York Times Science section, Dr. Roehrs and his colleagues monetarily rewarded sleepy and fully alert subjects who completed a series of decisions and tasks. At random times, the subjects were given a choice to take their money and stop. Or they could forge ahead with the potential of either earning more money or losing it all if their work was not completed within the time remaining. A kind of “Who wants to be a Millionaire” science experiment.

    Dr. Roehrs found that the alert people were very sensitive to the amount of work and time they needed to do in order to finish the tasks and understood the risk of losing their money if they didn’t. But the sleepy subjects chose to quit the tasks prematurely or they risked losing everything by trying to finish the task for more money, even though it was likely that they would not be able to finish.

    According to the National Commission on Sleep Disorders Research (1998) and reports from the National Highway Safety Administration (NHSA, 2002), a high number of accidents can partly be attributed to people suffering from a severe lack of sleep.

    Each year, according to the NCSDR, the cost of sleep disorders, sleep deprivation and sleepiness is estimated to be $15.9 million in direct costs and $50 to $100 billion a year in indirect and related costs. And according to the NHSA, falling asleep while driving is responsible for at least 100,000 crashes, 71,000 injuries and 1,550 deaths each year in the United States. Young people, in their teens and twenties, who are particularly susceptible to the effects of chronic sleep loss, are involved in more than half of the fall-asleep crashes on the nation’s highways each year. Sleep loss also interferes with the learning of young people in our nation’s schools, with 60 percent of grade school and high school children reporting that they are tired during the daytime and 15 percent of them admitting to falling asleep in class.

    We’ve always known that sleep is good for your brain, but new research from the University of Rochester provides the first direct evidence for why your brain cells need you to sleep, and sleep the right way. The study found that when you sleep your brain removes toxic proteins from its neurons that are by-products of neural activity when you’re awake. Unfortunately, your brain can remove them only while you’re asleep. So when you don’t get enough sleep, the toxic proteins remain in your brain cells, wreaking havoc by impairing your ability to think — something no amount of caffeine can fix.

    Skipping sleep impairs your brain function across the board. It slows your ability to process information and problem-solve, kills your creativity, and raises your stress levels and emotional reactivity. Basically, it affects your decision-making ability.

    Decision Fatigue

    The mental work of making decisions time after time can wear you down. Decision fatigue is the newest discovery involving a phenomenon called ego depletion, a term coined by the social psychologist Roy F. Baumeister. This sort of fatigue can make quarterbacks prone to dubious choices late in the game, a CEO leans toward disastrous dalliances late in the evening or a recovering addict deciding to use after a long day at work. It routinely warps the judgment of everyone, executive, delivery driver, rich or poor — in fact, it can take a special toll on the poor. Yet few people are even aware of it, and researchers are only beginning to understand why it happens and how to counteract it.

    Decision fatigue helps explain why ordinarily sensible people get angry at colleagues, splurge on clothes, pick up candy at the market’s check out lane and can’t resist the dealer’s offer to rustproof their new car. No matter how rational and high-minded you try to be, you can’t make decision after decision without paying a price. It’s different from ordinary physical fatigue — you’re not consciously aware of being tired — but you’re low on mental energy. The more choices you make throughout the day, the harder each one becomes for your brain, and eventually it looks for shortcuts, usually in either of two very different ways.

    One shortcut is to become reckless: to act impulsively instead of expending the energy to first think through the consequences. (Sure, tweet that photo! What could go wrong?) The other shortcut is the ultimate energy saver: do nothing. Instead of agonizing over decisions, avoid any choice. Ducking a decision often creates bigger problems in the long run, but for the moment, it eases the mental strain. You start to resist any change, any potentially risky move — like releasing a prisoner who might commit a crime. So a fatigued judge on a parole board takes the easy way out, and the prisoner stays in prison.

    These experiments on Decision Fatigue demonstrated that there is a finite store of mental energy for exerting self-control. When people fended off the temptation to scarf down M&Ms or freshly baked chocolate-chip cookies all day at the office, they were then less able to resist other temptations, like stopping for a bottle of brandy on the drive home. When they forced themselves to remain stoic during a tearjerker movie, afterward, they gave up more quickly on tasks requiring self-discipline such as brushing their teeth, taking off their make-up or sleeping with the guy that paid for the movie. Willpower turned out to be more than a folk concept or a metaphor. It really was a form of mental energy that could be exhausted.

    In the rest of the animal kingdom, there aren’t a lot of protracted negotiations between predators and prey. A lioness doesn’t arbitrate with an antelope. To compromise is a complex human ability and therefore, it is one of the first abilities to decline when Decision Fatigue sets in. If you’re shopping, you’re liable to look at only one dimension, like price: just give me the cheapest. Or purchase only the products you have coupons for. Or purchase only the items which are covered by food stamps. Or limit yourself to only the $100. you have in your budget for groceries. And now, you have to put away the barrettes you got for your daughter, and the athletic socks for your son. Shopping can be especially tiring for the poor, who have to struggle continually with trade-offs.

    Researchers argue that this sort of Decision Fatigue is a major, and a largely ignored factor in trapping people in poverty. Because their financial situation forces them to make so many trade-offs, they have less willpower to devote to school, work and other activities that might move them up into the middle class. It’s hard to know exactly how important this factor is, but there’s no doubt that willpower is a special problem for poor people.

    Decision Fatigue is a reason that the liquor, candy and soda is displayed in the front of the store, featured prominently near the cash register, just when shoppers have depleted all their decisions in the aisles. With their willpower reduced, they’re more likely to yield to any kind of temptation, but they’re especially vulnerable to booze, candy and soda. While supermarkets figured this out a long time ago, only recently did researchers discover why.

    Despite this series of findings, brain researchers did find that glucose is a vital part of willpower. They helped solve the puzzle of how it increases the brain’s energy. Your brain does not stop working when glucose is low. It stops doing some things and starts doing others. It responds more strongly to immediate rewards and pays less attention to long-term prospects. A perfect environment for alcohol abuse.

    The discoveries about glucose help explain why dieting is a uniquely difficult test of self-control and why even those people with phenomenally strong willpower in the rest of their lives can have such a hard time losing weight. They start their day with virtuous intentions, resisting croissants at breakfast and dessert at lunch, but each act of resistance further lowers their willpower. As their willpower weakens late in the day, they need to replenish it. But to resupply that energy, they need to give the body glucose. They’re trapped in a nutritional catch-22:

    1. In order not to eat, a dieter needs willpower.
    2. In order to have willpower, a dieter needs to eat.

    Fatigue at work

    At work when we are fatigued, we are pretty good at avoiding the urge to spend money, but not so good at resisting the lure of relaxation, such as scrolling through Facebook, online shopping or viewing pornography on the web.  Today there are so many choices to make. Your body may have dutifully reported to work on time, but your mind can escape at any instant. A typical computer user looks at more than three dozen Web sites a day and gets fatigued by the continual decision-making — whether to keep working on a project, or check out YouTube, or follow a link to another interesting research topic or buy something on Amazon. Ever wonder why Cyber Monday is one of the biggest shopping days of the year?

    The cumulative effect of these temptations and decisions isn’t intuitively obvious. Virtually no one has a gut-level sense of just how tiring it is to decide. Big decisions, small decisions, they all add up. Choosing what to have for breakfast, where to go on vacation, what to do next, how much to spend from this paycheck— these all deplete willpower, and there’s no blinking indicator light on your dashboard to warn you that your willpower is low.

    When the brain’s regulatory powers weaken, frustrations seem more irritating than usual. Impulses to eat, drink, spend and say stupid things have no filter and alcohol causes self-control to decline further. The Decision Fatigue effect was even demonstrated with dogs in two studies by Holly Miller and Nathan DeWall at the University of Kentucky. After obeying sit and stay commands for 10 minutes, the dogs performed worse on self-control tests and were also more likely to challenge another dog’s turf. Fatigued humans are also more likely to get into needless fights over turf. In making decisions, they take illogical shortcuts and tend to favor short-term gains (like ending the meeting and going home) and delay reviewing costs (yes even adding numbers up on a calculator is a decision).

    “Good decision making is not a trait of the person, in the sense that it’s always there,” Baumeister says. “It’s a state that fluctuates.” His studies show that people with the best self-control are the ones who don’t schedule endless back-to-back meetings, they avoid temptations like all-you-can-eat buffets, and they establish good sleeping habits. Instead of deciding every morning whether or not to exercise, they work out with a friend. Instead of counting on willpower to remain robust all day, they conserve it so that it’s available for important decisions.

    “Even the wisest people won’t make good choices when they’re not rested and their glucose is low,” Baumeister points out. That’s why the truly wise choose not to restructure the company at 4 p.m. Board meetings are not held at night. Major commitments are not made over cocktails. And if a decision must be made late in the day, they make sure they have eaten something like an apple or an orange to recharge their glucose levels. “The best decision makers,” Baumeister says, “are the ones who know when not to trust themselves.” 

    Next week’s post will feature tips and tools on how to achieve a good night’s sleep.


    Resources for this article came from:

    Baumeister, R.F., & Heatherton, T.F. (1996). Self-regulation failure: An overview. Psychological Inquiry, 7, 1-15.

    Kathleen D. Vohs and Roy F. Baumeister, Running Head: Self-Regulation and Choice-Decision Fatigue Exhausts Self-Regulatory Resources-But So Does Accommodating to Unchosen Alternatives http://www.chicagobooth.edu/research/workshops/marketing/archive/ WorkshopPapers/vohs.pdf

    Baumeister, R. F.; Sparks, E. A.; Stillman, T. F.; Vohs, K. D. (2008). “Free will in consumer behavior: Self-control, ego depletion, and choice”. Journal of Consumer Psychology 18: 4–13. doi:10.1016/j.jcps.2007.10.002.

    Baumeister, R. F.; Vohs, K. D. (2007). “Self-regulation, ego depletion, and motivation”. Social and Personality Psychology Compass 1: 115–128. doi:10.1111/j.1751-9004.2007.00001.x.

    Dr. Timothy Roehrs, (August 2004), The Journal Sleep, http://www.journalsleep.org/PDF/AbstractBook2004.pdf

    Drowsy Driving and Automobile Crashes, NCSDR/NHTSA expert panel on driver fatigue and sleepiness,
    http://www.nhtsa.gov/people/injury/drowsy_driving1/drowsy.html

    Dr. Travis Bradberry (December, 2014), Sleep Deprivation Is Killing You and Your Career , Forbes Magazine,
    http://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2014/12/01/skipping-sleep-is-career-suicide/

    John Tierney, (2011) Do you suffer from Decision Fatigue? New York Times Magazine,
    http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/21/magazine/do-you-suffer-from-decision-fatigue.html?_r=0&pagewanted=print

    Holly Miller (2014) Self-control without a “self?”: common self-control processes in humans and dogs Department of Psychology, University of Kentucky, Lexington, KY 40506-0044, USA.

    Psychological Science (Impact Factor: 4.43). 04/2010; 21(4):534-8. DOI: 10.1177/0956797610364968, Source: PubMed

     

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  • I can’t go to sleep!

    manhattan_bridgeCan I function on less than 8 hours of sleep?

    Sleep is essential for a person’s health and well-being, according to the National Sleep Foundation (NSF). A recent poll taken by the NSF found that many people can’t sleep more than six hours a night, and 75% of us experience sleep difficulties a few times a week. Although a short-lived bout of insomnia is generally nothing to worry about, most sleep problems go undiagnosed and untreated. In addition, more than 40% of adults experience daytime tiredness, severe enough to interfere with their daily activities, at least a few days each month. The bigger concern is chronic sleep loss, which can contribute to health problems such as weight gain, high blood pressure, and a decrease in the immune system’s power, reports the Harvard Women’s Health Watch.

    Everyone’s individual needs are different. Most healthy adults need an average of eight hours of sleep a night. However, some individuals are able to function with as little as six hours. Others can’t perform at their peak unless they’ve slept ten hours. And, contrary to common myth, the need for healthy slumber doesn’t decline with age but the ability to get eight hours a night does.

    Psychologists and other scientists who study the causes of sleep disorders have shown that these problems can directly or indirectly be tied to abnormalities in the following systems:

    1. Brain functions, learning and memory: Sleep helps the brain commit new information to memory through a process called memory consolidation. In studies, people who’d slept after learning a task did better on tests, later.
    2. Metabolic functions and weight: Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting the way our bodies process and store carbohydrates, and by altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite, and can lead to diabetes.
    3. Mood: Sleep loss may result in irritability, impatience, inability to concentrate, and moodiness. Too little can also leave you too tired to do the things you like to do.
    4. Cardiovascular health: Serious sleep disorders have been linked to hypertension, increased stress hormone levels, chances of stroke and irregular heartbeat.
    5. Immune system, and disease: Sleep deprivation alters immune function, including the activity of the body’s killer cells. Keeping up with sleep may also help fight cancer.

    Furthermore, unhealthy conditions, disorders and diseases can also cause sleep problems. They include:

    1. Pathological drowsiness, insomnia and accidents: Lack of sleep contributes to a tendency to fall asleep during the daytime. These lapses may cause falls and mistakes such as medical errors, air traffic mishaps, and road accidents.
    2. Emotional disorders: Depression, bipolar disorders can be aggravated by insomnia
    3. Alcohol and drug abuse: People often use alcohol or drugs in order to sleep.
    4. Decreased decision-making capacity: More on how sleep is essential to the brain’s decision making capacity in next week’s blog

    What disrupts your sleep?

    Stress is the number one cause of short-term sleeping difficulties. According to experts, common stress triggers for these difficulties include school or job related pressures, a family or marriage problems and a serious illness or death in the family. Usually the sleep problem disappears when the stressful situation passes. However, if short-term sleep problems such as insomnia aren’t managed properly from the beginning, they can persist long after the original stress has passed.

    Drinking alcohol or beverages containing caffeine in the afternoon or evening, exercising close to bedtime, following an irregular morning and nighttime schedule, and working or doing other mentally intense activities right before or after getting into bed can disrupt restful slumber.

    If you are a shift worker, as are 20% of employees in the United States, sleep may be particularly elusive. Shift work forces you to try to sleep when activities around you — and your own biological rhythms — signal you to be awake. One study shows that shift workers are two to five times more likely than employees with daytime hours to fall asleep on the job. Traveling is also disruptive, especially jet lag and traveling across several time zones. This can upset your biological or circadian rhythms.

    Environmental factors such as when a room is too hot or cold, too noisy or too brightly lit, can be a barrier to sound night’s rest. Parents often complain of sleeping problems as interruptions from children or other family members will disrupt sleep. Other influences requiring attention are the comfort and size of your bed and the habits of your sleep partner. If you have to lie beside someone who has different sleep preferences, snores, tosses and turns, can’t fall or stay asleep, or has other sleep difficulties, it often becomes your problem, too. Pets sleeping in the bed are another factor in sleep disruption.

    Having a 24/7 lifestyle or the demands of working in a global marketplace can also interrupt regular sleep patterns; the global economy that includes round-the-clock industries working to beat the competition; widespread use of nonstop automated systems to communicate and an increase in shift work makes for sleeping at regular times difficult.

    Groups that are at particular risk for sleep deprivation include night shift workers, physicians whose average is 6.5 hours a day; residents whose average sleep is 5 hours a day, truck drivers, parents, caregivers and teenagers.

    Next week’s post will focus on why we can’t make good decisions when we are tired. 


    Resources for this article came from:

    National Sleep Foundation
    http://www.sleepfoundation.org/

    American Academy of Sleep Medicine
    http://www.aasmnet.org/

    American Insomnia Association
    http://www.americaninsomniaassociation.org/

    Sleep Research Society
    http://www.sleepresearchsociety.org/

    NIH National Center for Sleep Disorders Research
    http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/sleep

    The MayoClinic.com Sleep Center

    American Psychological Association
    http://www.apa.org/topics/sleep/why.aspx

    Blake, et al, Psychological Reports, 1998; National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute Working Group on Insomn

    David F. Dinges, PhD, Professor of Psychology in Psychiatry, Chief, Division of Sleep and Chronobiology, University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine

    Van Dongen HPA, Dinges DF (2005). Sleep, circadian rhythms, and psychomotor vigilance performance. Clinics in Sports Medicine 24: 237-249.

    Van Dongen & Dinges, Principles & Practice of Sleep Medicine, 2000

    American Academy of Sleep Medicine and National Heart, Lung, and Blood Institute Working Group on Problem Sleepiness, 1997

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  • I am Lonely, Part Three

    manhattan_bridgeWhat Can I Do?
    John Cacioppo author and researcher on loneliness, offers a few tips on how to overcome being lonely:

    Recognize that loneliness is a sign that something needs to change. Notice your self-deflating thoughts. We often create self-centered stories to explain our feelings when we are young, it is not unusual for children to assume that there is something wrong with them if they are not happy. If they are lonely and sad, children may assume other people don’t like them. You are not five any more, you can address loneliness as an adult.

    Realize that loneliness is a feeling, not a fact. Habitual assumptions about negative social status continue into adulthood and if you are looking for evidence that the world sucks, you can always find it.When you are feeling lonely, it is because something has triggered a memory of that feeling, not because you are in fact, isolated and alone. The brain is designed to pay attention to pain and danger, and that includes triggering painful scary feelings. Many times these triggering scary memories create lonely feelings.

    But then the brain tries to make sense of the feeling. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I am a loser? Because everyone else is mean? Theories about why you are feeling lonely can become confused with facts. Then it becomes a bigger problem, so just realize that you are having this feeling as temporary and not to overreact.

    Make a plan. If you realize you are dealing with an emotional habit, you can make a plan to deal with loneliness. Since healthy interaction with friends is good, make some effort to reach out to others, to initiate conversation and face time even when your loneliness and depression are telling you not to. Yes, it is work, but it is worthwhile, just like exercising is good. Reach out because loneliness is painful and can confuse you into thinking that you are a loser, an outcast or less than. You might react by withdrawing into yourself, your thoughts, and your lonely feelings, and this is not helpful. At its best, anticipation of loneliness might motivate us to reach out and cultivate friendships, which is the healthiest thing to do if you are sad and alone. When you are a child, and your sadness causes you to cry, you may evoke a comforting response from others. If you’re an adult, crying about your isolating life style rarely receives a positive response.

    Understand the effects that loneliness has on your life, both physically and mentally. Morbidity among lonely people is increased by 45%. Loneliness is associated with depression and anxiety. Loneliness effects your heart, your immune system and increases the likelihood of Alzheimer’s disease. What to do? Embrace a healthy lifestyle, eat right, exercise every day, develop an awareness of wellness, visit your dentist, get that mammogram, start taking care of yourself and at the same time you will be combating loneliness.

    Consider doing community service or another activity that you enjoy. Volunteer for a good cause. You don’t have to worry about interacting with people, you all have something in common, because you are all doing something good.You have the power to offer loving kindness and generosity of spirit to all with whom you come into contact. These situations present great opportunities to meet people and cultivate new friendships and social interactions.Focus on the needs and feelings of others, and less attention on your own lonely thoughts and feelings. You can walk down the street thinking about your loneliness and the hopelessness of it all, staring at the sidewalk or your cell phone. Or you can walk down that same street grateful for the diversity of people you get to share the sidewalk with, silently wishing them good health and good fortune, and smiling at each person you pass. The latter is more fun. Be persistent even if a particular group  seems to be not a good fit for you. Just try another group! AA, NA and Al Anon recommend that you try six different meetings to find one that suits you best. If you are persistent, challenging the not good enough assumptions, quelling the feelings that tell you to give up and shutting off the old tapes that tell you to resign yourself to a life of a troll, you can emerge from isolation by just showing up! By being curious, adventurous and kind to others in groups, you can squash your loneliness.

    Focus on developing quality relationships with people who share similar attitudes, interests and values with you. Find others like you. Nowadays there are more tools than ever before for finding out where the knitters, hikers or computer code writers are congregating through meet-up sites advertised on the Internet. This makes it much easier to identify groups with ideas similar to yours. At the activities, you don’t have to tell jokes like a stand up comic or run for president of the knitter’s society at your first meeting. But you do have to show up. Remember, always show up when meeting with others. No shows make people doubt your reliability, and then they do not invite you to participate again because of your past record of not showing up. Therefore as a result of having no invitations to go places,  you feel more isolated. This is the vicious circle of loneliness. So, show up!

    Be curious, but don’t expect perfection or applause. Each time you show up, it is an experiment, a micro adventure in social bonding. If you are curious about and interested in others, they will be attracted to you because you are giving them attention. So you will get attention in return. Curiosity about others also takes your focus away from those painful feelings that tend to make you hide and sulk. Kindness and curiosity goes a long way.

    Develop one good intimate friend. And once you have a friend or two, nourish those friendships with time and attention. Don’t be too analytical about whether you are giving more than you are getting. If you make more friends and some of them are takers, you can choose to spend more time with the other friends who give and reward your friendship.

    And finally,

    Expect the best. Lonely people often expect rejection, so instead, focus on positive thoughts and attitudes in your social relationships.


    Research gathered for this post came from:

    Daniel Askt, (2008, Sept. 21). A talk with John Cacioppo: A Chicago scientist suggests that loneliness is a threat to your health. The Boston Globe Found online at http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2008/09/21/a_talk_with_john_cacioppo/

    Cacioppo, J. T., Fowler, J. H., & Christakis, N. A. (in press). Alone in the crowd: The structure and spread of loneliness in a large social network. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

    Cacioppo, J. (2008, Nov. 3). John Cacioppo on How to Cope with Loneliness. Big Think. Found online at http://bigthink.com/johncacioppo/john-cacioppo-on-how-to-cope-with-loneliness

    Cacioppo, et al. (2009). What Are the Brain Mechanisms on Which Psychological Processes Are Based? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4 (1): 10 DOI: 10.1111/j.1745-6924.2009.01094.x

    Loneliness affects how the brain operates. (2009, Feb. 19). Science Daily Found online at http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/02/090215151800.htm

    Shute, N. (2008, Nov. 12). Why loneliness is bad for your health. U.S. News and World Report. Found online at http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/2008/11/12/why-loneliness-is-bad-for-your-health.html

    You Tube TED talk with John Cacioppo, accessed at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0hxl03JoA0.